Saga The Quality of Mercy (AU, Obi-Wan and Anakin, one-post)

A strange little story on my part. The AU will become clear--this is just about recovery.

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Recovery is a process both mental and physical, something that can't ever be helped along by patient words or soothing hands, no matter how hard you try. You can't force someone to recover if they're hiding in a dark place that's soothing because it hurts them, and you can't force them to realize they need the light when they say they want redemption but what they really want is... punishment. Shackles, scars, and slit wrists. I should have realized that's what Anakin wanted instead of light. He didn't want to kill anyone but himself, so his recovery was something that existed only in my mind, not his. Should have realized that, too.

I made him flex limbs seemingly made out of scar tissue, made him talk about Palpatine and all the people he'd killed, made him sit in the sunshine and reminded him, gently, about days when he loved rain over sun because rain was something he was so unfamiliar with, even after ten years of living with regulated environments instead of Tatooine's arid heat. He plucked a violet leaf off one of the trees and said, softly, "It's too hard in the sunlight."

I didn't know what he was talking about. I never understood half the things he said anymore. Maybe the Healers were right. Maybe he was insane, or trying so hard to be that it was working. He reached coherency sometimes, and the sentences he gave then were always beautiful and fully articulate, as if he'd been struggling to mount that summit all day, and finally, he knew who he was with brilliant, damning clarity. He was more recognizable as my Padawan in those moments. But most of the time, it was all jumbled memories, building blocks scattered across the surface of his mind, and the static images that came through his malformed words held a darker meaning only visible to him.

I tried though, really, I did. I tried to make them have meaning, but it was like trying to fit the proverbial square peg in a round hole, but I did try so hard. He said it was hard in the sunlight, so I made sure that he was always outside when it was warm and blazing with yellow light. To make him remember. To force one of those startlingly sane reactions out of him, even if it was only a plea to be taken inside and kept in shadowed recesses.

Cruel to be kind, Obi-Wan?

Maybe. Yes.

**

It had been five years since he first killed a man and liked it, four years since he swore his allegiance to Palpatine and Palpatine alone, and two years since he threw down that promise and let it shatter all over the rocks as he killed his former Sith Master and came back to me, empty-eyed, with blood staining his hands. I remember his voice, childlike but with that utter, total lack of innocence. "Obi-Wan? Master? Can I come home now?"

Palpatine had hurt him so badly in those final moments before the Chancellor crumbled that Anakin was hardly recognizable anymore. The physical therapy was the easiest. I still have to do it occasionally, but not nearly as much as when it started out, when I had to do it every day, touch the wreckage of his legs and arms and move them back and forth like paddles, straining every last muscle. No, it wasn't like that anymore.

At first, the Healers doubted that he remembered anything that had happened in the last four years, any of the atrocities that he'd committed. He seemed remarkably awake sometimes, and he knew that I was his Master, he knew the fundamentals of the Order, he knew that he had once been married, and he asked to see Amidala in a scarily calm voice. That I didn't think he remembered. I never told him about it, either. Anakin believed that Amidala left him when he turned, and that was better. Better than the truth. Easier than the truth.

You killed her yourself, Anakin.

He didn't remember her because it would have cost him too much, but he remembered the rest of it. I knew that even before he could talk. He was always scru

 

This was absolutely superb. Sad, evocative, heartrenching. I don't have the words. Wonderfully, wonderfully done.
I especially liked how you replayed the beginning and ending with similar wording to balance the piece.

Great job!!!

 

wow that just killed me.
I was crying by the end.
You should make it into a series.

 

Absolutely AMAZING. There's nothing more you can say about it. Simply great.

"Obi-Wan? Master? Can I come home now?"

I love that line.


TF

 

Force, that's so beautifully sad!

*throws self at Moone's feet*

I'm telling you, dearest, you must submit to the Archive! You must, so multitudes can worship your writing! It's a crime that they don't! CRIME!!



*ahem* Very lovely story, and very deep - and I mean that.

 

*bursts into tears* Not much to say- very beautiful and sad.

 

dianethx--Thanks! I was trying for a melancholy piece, and definitely the balance between beginning and end.

darla--And is it bad that I grinned when I heard I made you cry?

TheFallen--What could be better than amazing? Plus, I love how you quoted. It gives me an idea of what parts people liked!

oba--I submit! I submit that I'll submit! Your praise is lovely enough to draw me out!

Enigma_X--Thank you so much! If it's sad, then I've succeeded!

 

Incredibly beautiful and heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing it. I love your writing. I need to go find a cheerful story now, or I will be in a dark cloud of sadness all day.

 

This is absolutely magical! And so poignantly realistic! I can imagine Anakin going through the same thing if he had survived in RotJ. One can reach the stage when redemption is impossible to accept, because one cannot truly forgive oneself - one simply wants a memory wipe and to start all over again!

when they say they want redemption but what they really want is... life.
Life with no strings attached and nothing to make up for. Life without nightmares and daydreams of dying.

I strongly second obaona - this needs to be archived IMMEDIATELY!

EDITED I imagine that the young, cocky copilot on the way to Naboo was Han. Is that intentional?

 

You provoked an emotion, which, im assuming you wanted to do, so be happy about it.