The Reflection in Your Eyes - Qui-Gon vignette (Equal time, so to speak)

OK - here it is from the other side, so to speak. I have a bit of trouble writing Qui-Gon sympathetically, as you may note - but I wanted to give it a shot.

So how did I do?

As always, all belongs to the Bearded One - darnit!

************** ***************

THE REFLECTION IN YOUR EYES

I am amazed at the depth of the silence - when I know very well that it exists only within me - and at the absence of pain - mind-bending pain which was, very definitely, not absent only moments ago; but neither seems to have any meaning in this pale, shadowless place in which I find myself. In the realm of reality, there are - there must be - the sounds of lightsabers clashing, and booted feet vying for position - the grunts and gasps of desperate opponents locked in a combat that can only be mortal. My padawan - my Obi-WAn, fighting for his life and - he believes - for mine. I must hold myself to myself; he must not yet sense the truth - that it is too late for me. I must not allow the distraction to cause the misstep that might cost that precious young life - that life that has been the center of my existence for so many years. Sad that he has never known that; sadder still that - now - I can never tell him.

Strange to come to this place now - when I was totally convinced that I had so many years ahead - so many years in which to allow him to see the truth. Years in which I would train Anakin, as I trained Obi-WAn, but without all the bitterness, without all the pain inflicted by a Master too wounded and too frightened to rejoice in the gift that the Force dropped into his lap.

You are struggling, my Padawan; even in this strange, quiet place, I can sense it. Your anger is bright and pure and filled with the hunger for justice and the desire to protect; like the soul within you, it is a creation of the light. And the creature who tests you is pure darkness - unworthy of the honor of dying by your blade.

It amazes me still - as it has amazed my colleagues and our superiors - that you have never realized how brightly, how purely you burn with the raw power of the Force; it fills you and blankets you and traces the features of your mind as surely as it lights the features of your face. My Obi-Wan - my legacy.

The child of my heart.

And I prepare now to leave you, without ever having told you what you mean to me - or why you have endured such hardship at my hands. For if I tell you now - if I unburden my heart, I will only succeed in breaking yours. It will be easier, I think, if you continue to see me as cold and distant and uncaring.

Uncaring. Oh, my precious padawan, if you only knew. Did you really think that I didn't notice, all those night when you cried yourself to sleep? I sat in the darkness of my room on those nights, as I nudged your clenched little heart into slumber, and wove a web of warmth and comfort that I wrapped around you once you drifted into sleep. And on those nights when you felt so alone - whether we were in the ice fields of Hoth, or the jungles of Ord Mantell, or the deserts of Tatooine; when your fine, strong young body was exhausted from dragging corpses from a raging river, or stacking them for a funeral pyre, or digging them out of collapsed tunnels - when you were numb and desolate with grief and believed yourself abandoned - I watched over you as you staggered away from unbearable death and destruction; I wept for you as you sobbed and raged at the unfairness of Fate; I soothed you as exhaustion overwhelmed you and plunged you into restless dreams.

I was there, my padawan. I was always there. I wept with you and ached with you - and longed to comfort you - but I could not. I dared not. And there are no words to tell you how much it hurt to be so helpless in the face of your anguish.

You will never know it - and you would almost certainly not believe it if you were told - but I have loved you with my whole heart, my apprentice, my Obi. I have loved you as I never believed I would love anyone.

I have loved you so much - that I could

 

*sniffle*

This was one of my many gripes about TPM - Qui-Gon's last words to Obi-Wan were about Anakin. This is what it should have been. Excellent work, Cyn!

Mel

 

Wow, Cyn...

I'm in agreement with Mely on this. GL once said that "Obi-Wan screwed it up for everyone," but I wonder if it wasn't Qui who started the galaxy down this path. Especially after reading stories like this.

 

Yes Cyn, You can paint the portrait of a man who only appeared cold and uncaring on the surface, but deep down, felt the strong emotions of a loving and caring parent. One who felt compelled to protect his son by creating a hard shell. Sad, very sad.

 

CYN - This is a beautiful counterpoint to Revery.

Rogue

 

uh huh. Here you go writing something wonderful with Qui-Gon in it. I'm beginning to think you really have a soft spot for him.

Excellent counterpart to Revery. As usual you amaze me with your beautfiul prose.

 

Wow, Cyn, great story...would be interesting to what you could do with other characters you don't like *cough*Anakin*cough*...heheh.



<<This was one of my many gripes about TPM - Qui-Gon's last words to Obi-Wan were about Anakin. >>

I just saw it as Qui had just been stabbed through with a lightsaber and knew he had a very short time left. Considering the Council had already made its stance on Anakin clear, Qui wanted to ensure that Anakin still had an advocate with the Jedi. Obviously, such an issue was of surpreme importance to him.

-Tim

 

*sniff*

This is really beautiful prose, Cynical. Simple but moving.

 

Oh, CYN . That was one of the most beautiful, emotionally-stirring pieces I think I've ever read. You've shone a light upon a man's hidden, vulnerable feelings so deep, so touching, that it shows how - despite how outwardly callous he may have often appeared - overwhelmed by his own emotions he truly was. Thank you for giving us another beautiful artwork.

 

GO CYN!!! How do you write like that?? It's sooooooooooooooo beutiful! Oh well. Don't know don't care. Just keep the fics coming. PLEASE???

 

Oh, that's simply beautiful Cyn! Nice to see the other side. Will it start as big a debate as you've got going on the other fic I wonder?

Now I better go dry my eyes....

 

Wonderful post Cyn! You continue to amaze me with your brilliant stories

I like how you had Qui-Gon preparing Obi for the things to come, by being somewhat cold to him throughout his apprenticship.

I too, like everyone else thought Qui's last moments sucked. Of course, I keep hoping that he'll make a re-apperance like Obi did to Luke in Empire

If you keep this up Cyn, you just might make me start thinking that you've had a change of heart where Qui-Gon is concerned

 

( (

*runs away from her laptop, crying her eyes out*

 

Oh, oh, I'm going to disagree with Cyn again. Oh dear.
First let me tell you that it was wonderfully written, poignant, effective, tear-jerking, just lovely. I always enjoy your work, always.

But it wasn't Qui-Gon. You are still portraying him as outwardly cold, hiding his true feelings, pushing Obi-Wan away because of Qui-Gon's past betrayals. I just don't see it. Qui-Gon is stoic, granted but he also was there with a ready wit, smiling warmly but briefly as Obi-Wan made wry remarks. But he is much more warm in what he does than what he says - just watch his body language and you'll see how warm and caring he is towards Obi-Wan (contrast that with Obi-Wan's reactions to Anakin in AOTC).

My problem, and it is my problem, is that I like both of them, equally.

You were much closer in writing Qui-Gon sympathetically in the Hardest Lesson.

Perhaps, you should try again (a shameless dig in order to get Cyn to write more).

 

My thanks to all of you for your kind responses. It is such a joy to write for an appreciative audience.

I am determined NOT to start another rant here, Dianethx, so I think we'll just have to agree to disagree. I'll simply state my observation that I saw no such warm body language in TPM from Qui-Gon; I though he treated Obi as a convenient appendage - as useful as an extra arm - but you wouldn't single out your own arm for special attention.

As I've said elsewhere on these boards - it's all in the eyes of the beholder.

Jeez - I even managed a sympathetic treatment of Anakin on The Musical Jedi's challenge board. I'm surprising myself here. Check it out and let me know what you think.

CYN

 

Nice companion piece Cyn. Always like to see Qui's side of the story

 

Beautifully done once again, Cyn. I understand that you don't like Qui and think him cold so that only made this peice better. But I'll never really argee with you on that. But I wouldn't go raning about it. I think I did enough of that on the other one.

Ha, maybe you should do something with Anakin. Or is that too much?

~Swede

 

Cyn, I am very impressed. That was a nice story, which warmed my soft spot for the long-haired Jedi. You have the gift of bringing reality, showing that characters do have flaws like the rest of us, and try to overcome them. Kudos.

 

I really appreciate the kind words - and I love the fact that so many of your responses are filled with fire and passion.

For I - unlike our Jedi counterparts - believe that there MUST be passion - or life just stinks.

And while I am avoiding - like the plague - a temptation to generate another rant - I would like to state that the Qui-Gon portrayed in The Hardest Lesson is - for all intents and purposes - the picture of the perfect Jedi, and I wrote him like that (and with the perfect padawan, I might add) because the focus of that story was not so much the characters as the lesson they had to learn, which was, basically, that even being perfect does not guarantee that one will always win.

But I think I really prefer the Qui-Gon portrayed in this story - for it focusses on a man driven to and beyond his limits who nevertheless finds it within himself to do what he must to express his love for a child entrusted to his care - even though his assumptions are wrong. It's his motivations that must be examined, and his response to them that determines the true nobility of his heart. I don't know if I can really like him as portrayed here - but I can certainly respect him, and I don't know if that isn't more important.

Later, All.

CYN

 

Oh CYN, I don't know what's worse. Thinking that Qui really didn't care or knowing that he did, but that Obi never knew. The latter is definately more tragic.

So sad. The depth of feeling that Qui had/has was staggering. It must have been very hard for him too, to not show that. If we look at GL's version this seems to fit into that very well. Obi does do what his destiny and his master laid out for him. What a sad, lonely life fate chose for such a lovely soul.

In keeping with my preference for happy endings, I don't suppose you are considering doing another little piece where master and apprentince are finally reunited within the force and all feelings are revealed and lots of mush ensues?

No? Damn!

And in response to your question on the Revery thread.... the journey of reading your writing is well worth my twisted little propensity for happy endings I may not like the eventual ending, but not taking the ride at all would just be a damn shame.

Great piece, CYN

 

CYN - I, personally, have always thought it a joy to see an author stretching their range and being able to portray and explore all sides, depths and aspects of a character regardless of their personal feelings and/or convictions.

Do I agree with your portrayals of Qui-Gon so far? No, but that fact doesn't preclude my enjoyment of your work.

Me? I'm waiting for you to take on either one or both as a Sith

Rogue

 

Cyn, this was wonderfully done. This Qui, this Qui pulled me in, had me sympathizing with a life of bottled emotions, the want of expressed love, but the inability to do such.

But this Qui and the Qui that I (and you) believe in are two entirely different people - thankfully. I don't know what I would do if this wasn't a taste of "the other side" but rather the norm. But, I won't dwell on such thoughts.

Beautiful and a nice change of scenery, so to speak, but I will be entirely purged of such sympathies the moment I look upon UF. Again, wonderful work.

~Antigone

 

Just upping this wonderful little piece

 

Ahhh! I always find your vignettes after a debates been started... and then I come in to say it was awesomeness and chulo- in the middle of the debate!
Oh well... I'll look stupid... I really like your writing and this one was good too!
God bless!
<3-The Mighty Moose