Provo The Script is loaded

Discussion in 'SouthWest Region Discussion' started by Corrin_Wyndryder, Apr 1, 2002.

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  1. Corrin_Wyndryder Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 17, 2001
    star 4
    Before I say anything more, I need to go over some legal issues.

    This script is MINE. I WROTE IT! I have two witnesses who have read it, and can testify in a court of law that it was MY work.
    (Sorry about the rant, but I'm going on a mission soon, and I don't want to come back and find that my work has been plagerized, you know?)

    Anyway, now that that has been said, here is a link to it:

    http://www.geocities.com/forcelegacyfans/

    Please read and review it.
  2. allenj456 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 8, 2002
    star 2
    Congrats on finishing your script! I have read through Scene 12 and have attached my comments below: Just as a disclaimer and explanation I have taken over 5 semesters of screenwriting and have completed several feature legnth scripts as well as many shorts. Just so you know my criticism is educated and comes form one wanting his script to be the best it can be. I take this stuff seriously - so dont think I'm just trying to be a prick. Thanks- ill do more later:

    SC 1 - "We see a SuperStar Destroyer..." take out the "we see" it removes us from the story- just say "A Super Star Destroyer..."

    every bit of stage direction should be written as an individual or group of shots ie.:
    "The Lambda Shuttle flies and docks with one of the Star Destroyers in orbit." this is quie a long process-- consider rather:

    "The Lambda Shuttle speeds towards one of the Destroyers.

    The Shuttle dissapears into the underbelly docking bay."

    with that cut there is the understandable passageof time, whereas before its is read like a very long take. Watch any "docking" procedure in the movies- we see the ship heading towards whatever, it cuts to just as it's entering the structure or landing.

    SC2 - CAPS not nessecary on names within dialogue

    SC3- If We'sel is a main character, which I'm supposing he is, I want a description of him. Race, personality, traits? We need to know these in order to form our opinions on him. Something like (this is one of my favorite character descriptions ever ! :)

    "Boris- Boris the Blade- or Boris the Bullet Dodger. As hard as the Soviet hammer and as bent as the sickle that crosses it."
    gives us a great depiction of this man.

    SC6- the dialouge at the end of this scene is sounding a little too much like the shuttle landing on Endor in ROTJ. See if you can't alter the dialouge so it's not quite so much like it.

    SC7- If this meteor shower is common (every 3 days) would there be much of a forest left? or anything for that matter? Just a thought.

    "stand outside, debating what to do." take out the "debating....do" the dialogue will let us know it is a debate- no need to tell us whats goingto happen before it does.

    BOTH exit --- where? head off into the forest?

    SC8-
    "We?Sel, my dear friend, if you needed to understand, I would have explained it to you."
    this guy seems a bit more charasmatic than most of the villians we encounter (which i like- its different!) perhaps push that some more by saying "We'Sel .....I would have to explain it to you." just another though- different personality.

    SC10- take out "Camera shows..." same as the "we see" comment

    ok the Joah-Quin monologue needs to be dealt with- i understand that there is alot of infor to be coveyed here- but it is a long time to sit a watch this thing unless the dialogue is extremley gripping- right now this has little meanning to the viewer. Is it possible to break it up into several little explanations broken up by other dialouge?

    He gives up this big secret pretty easily- the location of the relic- didnt seem too effective.

    SC12- how is Aster picking the lock?

    "you fight well for a member of your order......" this dialouge just sounds silly in the middle of a fight- remember all action is suspended until we get more- so this whole time the strike is being blocked- they wouldn't stop to discuss politics-- Qui-Gon vs Maul on Tattoine is a good example

    wet lightsabers-- you might not care (i really dont but it'll come up) there is a scene in one of the early SW books- "Splinter of the Minds Eye" i think where Luke uses his lighsaber underwater.

    Oh and after that- how did Dais miss Isis with his lightsaber at his neck? that action is alittle confusing.

    finished through sc12-- more later
  3. allenj456 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 8, 2002
    star 2
    woah- thats really long!!! sorry everybody!
  4. Corrin_Wyndryder Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 17, 2001
    star 4
    Yes, but those are technical errors. Thanks for finding those, I'll go ahead and change some of them.

    We'Sel is not a major character, he's only in a few scenes.

    There was a cut scene from TPM where Obi-Wan was running from the droid that was firing at him. Qui-Gon deflected the blast and destroyed it. The excuse I heard was that the Obi-Wan's emitter was wet, so he couldn't use it. So the wet Lightsabers idea came from that.

    Reading my script, I sort of skip through it and miss things, having wrote it and all. :p

    And that's a great stopping point for your comments, because the first segment of the film ends with scene 12.

    -Corrin
  5. allenj456 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 8, 2002
    star 2
    ok- thats cool about the emitter thing- I just know some die hard will raise a stink about it :) i know what you mean- I've given up on the idea of a "final draft" -that creature dosent exist! :) are u planning on (dare I say?) shooting this?
  6. Corrin_Wyndryder Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 17, 2001
    star 4
    Absolutely, after my mission. I'm seriously making a feature length movie with this thingy. Volunteers will be needed.
  7. spoo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 16, 2001
    star 4
    What I head is that he left it on while in the water, and the battery got wet (lightsabers run off a self contained power source). All he had to do was let it dry.

    If the lightsaber is built water tight it can be used underwater (he mentioned that at EU book stated that).
    If you don't care what EU says, then keep in mind that Obi Wan uses his lighsaber against Jango Fett in the middle of a huge storm in EpII.
  8. Corrin_Wyndryder Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 17, 2001
    star 4
    Yes, Obiwan does fight in the rain, which is why I let the BLADES touch the water without destroying them. My theory is this:

    1. That as the Lightsaber's auto deactivation safety mechanism takes effect when the handle is let go of. (I KNOW it does that)

    2. The crystal got wet because it deactivated UNDER WATER, and the safety mechanism prevents it's reactivation because the Water On the Crystal may refract the blade at an odd angle, posibly destroying the Lightsaber.

    3. Isis' Lightsaber wasn't built to standard, so when the Emitter was wet, the safety kept it that way.

    4. Dais built his with a device that prevented such an event from occuring. (Classic Boy Scout rule: Be Prepared)
  9. allenj456 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 8, 2002
    star 2
    5. You can do what you want because its...(looks around to see if any children are present, and whispers) ...not real! :D
  10. Corrin_Wyndryder Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 17, 2001
    star 4
  11. Corrin_Wyndryder Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 17, 2001
    star 4
    Have you found any other problems? (And let's keep it spoiler free for those who choose not to read it.)
  12. allenj456 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 8, 2002
    star 2
    Im getting ready to read some more now- but just as a tchnical thing, it might be a good idea to invest in Screenwrting software. I fought it for a long time but it is essential when it comes to formatting and it makes the writing process much easier. Final Draft and Movie Magic Screenwriter 2000 are both good programs.
  13. allenj456 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 8, 2002
    star 2
    ok heres my next installment- i tried to cut down on possible "spoilers" hopefully its not so vauge that you cant tell what im talking about :) got through sc 28 i think, good job:

    SC13- humanoid lizard- make him speak in native language (subtitles)?

    tavern scene with Carn and Bale pretty close to cantina scene- can this happen anywhere else?

    SC15- Why does a hardened merc like Aster care obout Val "I wish thre was somethign I could do-"

    SC18- Barrin/Carn too Lando/Han do something else especiall with the "you got a lot of guts..."

    SC20- spelling on line"i never forget a face.....Academy"

    - ok the jail break sounding a lil too familiar especially with the Jedi deactivating the tractor beam

    SC21- spelling "They know we're coming..) not where
    - good scene with the barrell- nice tidbit of comic relief

    SC22- Would Carn say "pray"- does that exist? 3P0 "thanks the maker.." thats the closest we get to a Diety reference

    finished through scene 28-- alot of similar references here- to both Lando and the Death Star invasion in ANH dont know if anything can really be done- it just seemed very close. Also you are starting to get ALOT of characters- which is fine- but they need to be distinct from eachother- they are starting to get blurred in my mind and I forget who's who. Try thinking of a one word description of each character and apply that to their dialogue. ie. rude, bold, noble, cynical, anal ect. good work...
  14. Corrin_Wyndryder Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 17, 2001
    star 4
    I did use a script writing software, but it doesn't have spell check.

    We do have a subtitled scene, Bale just speaks with a lisp.

    Aster knew Carn and Val from a long time ago. She's tough, but with a soft side, (Part of her character)

    I was aiming for those similarities in the Carn/Barrin conversation, It's what I wanted.

    I'll check that spelling.

    It may be familiar with the Tractor Beam, but it makes sense once it's filmed.

    For one, Carn doesn't have much respect for the Jedi religion as a whole, so he doesn't understand all the rules. In episode 1, the Gungans believed in Gods, so I figure there are SEVERAL religions that believe in prayer of one kind or another...

    There are upto 53 different speaking parts. 31 named characters and 22 one-lined. I've tried to make them as seperate as possible.

    -Corrin
  15. Handyman Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 19, 2000
    star 4
    Greetings Guys,

    As for a Diety reference in the Original Trilogy, the word "pray" is used by Darth Vader himself in "The Empire Strikes Back"....

    INT. CLOUD CITY - CARBON FREEZING CHAMBER

    ...

                        VADER
    Good. See to it that he finds his way in
    here. Calrissian, take the princess and the
    Wookiee to my ship.

                        LANDO
    You said they'd be left in the city under my
    supervision.

                        VADER
    I am altering the deal. PRAY I don't
    alter it any further.
    Later,
  16. KadeBendu Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 11, 2001
    star 1
    Per AllenJ and Handyman's discussion, from Merriam-Webster:

    pray (verb): entreat, implore -- often used as a function word in introducing a question, request, or plea <pray be careful>

    So "pray" doesn't necessarily have to be used in a religious sense, which is probably the case in Vader's statement. On the other hand, "thank the maker" by C-3PO certainly seems to be a religous reference as does "I'll see you in hell" by Solo in Empire. However, it is important to consider that both phrases could also have been simple idiomatic expressions. People frequently take the name of God in vain who have no belief in him whatsoever. ;)
  17. Corrin_Wyndryder Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 17, 2001
    star 4
    Thanks Handyman, I'd forgotten about that.

    And thanks, Allen, for taking the time to go over the script for me. I really appreciate it.
  18. allenj456 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 8, 2002
    star 2
    Wow! I really opened up a can of mynocks with the whole pray thing! :D
  19. Corrin_Wyndryder Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 17, 2001
    star 4
    Benjamin was worried about that "Pray" thing too. He wanted it out, but now I can prove that it belongs! GREAT!!!

    EDIT: He still won't let me say "hell" though.

    BTW: For those who have read it, the character ANTEROX'S original name was ANTHRAX, after the biological weapon. I was threatened that my script would be boycotted if it was ANTHRAX, and not ANTEROX.

    What do you think?
  20. Dantana Skywalker Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Apr 7, 2002
    star 5
    Anterox is a much beter Star Wars-ish name than Anthrax.

    Dantana
  21. Corrin_Wyndryder Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 17, 2001
    star 4
    You already gave me your opinion in person. I'm looking for people I haven't talked to about it yet.
  22. allenj456 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 8, 2002
    star 2
    I agree- I like originality over homage. Im not a fan of the Maul name and the forthcoming Tyranus (or whatever it is). Ill try to get more read today. Oh- and I'd try to push the 'hell' usage-- but the placement has to be perfect :)
  23. Corrin_Wyndryder Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 17, 2001
    star 4
    The original name was ANTHRAX. The people who won't let me use 'Hell' forced the name change, saying TF.N would boycot it.
  24. Dantana Skywalker Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Apr 7, 2002
    star 5
    Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whine, moan, complain. :) So what if I said something in person? I still have the freedom to voice my opinion. :)

    Dantana
  25. Corrin_Wyndryder Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 17, 2001
    star 4
    Well I've already GOT yours. I don't need it again.
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