Provo The Script is loaded

Too bad. And I agree with Dantana.

 

What do you mean, too bad? I hadn't gotten your opinion yet.

 

She means that she agrees Anterox is a better name. And she agrees that I can voice my opinion where or whenever I want.

Dantana

 

Dear Lee-
I dont like either one, I think it should be Liberal Drew as the name. Oh yeah, if you use my wookie character or any character that associated with thw wookie, I will rip off your arms, and beat them to death with you. And then we will point and laugh and mock. And then, all will be well. In the wonderful land of the normal.

 

HA HA! Oh, by the way, we're ALL here @ my house right now.

Dantana

 

you'll beat his arms to death with him?


Interesting...

 

Yes. His arms will be good and dead. Can't speak for the rest of him.

Dantana

 

Wookies have been know to pull arms from their sockets...



I can imagine the body will be badly beaten... You know, every time it smacks into the arms and the hard surface the arms are resting on...

 

*Whack* *Whack*
I can hear it now!!!

 

I'm not even gonna address how that sounds!

Dantana

 

Hmmm... Well, Drew, I would have written your wookie into the script, but you only played ONCE. (maybe twice). And If I did write it in, where would you find the time to be in the movie? Have you read the script yet? (I wrote BARRIN for you if your interested)

There was no place to put him. Besides, This pole was for people I DON'T KNOW PERSONALLY.

But now that my arms have been ripped off and beaten to death with me, (I wish you hadn't used that fraze, it was going to be a surprise) I have to get someone else to type for me...

As for you, Allen. Do you have any other things to tell me?

 

I think Ive jst wandered into the forest of the weird I havent read anymore since my last post- Im going out on buisness this weekend so I'll be able to read some on the plane. I'll try to get more done- been a crazy week. Oh- and even if you realllly like them- don't write in a part for a friend. If it's not part of your original story then there is probably a reason for that. Otherwise you get movies like American Sweetheart and appearances like N'SYNC and stuff like that. If they wanna do something (first make sure they can act and will take direction) then put them in a role that already exists. No offence to the Wookie or anything...

 

Sorry. The forest of the weird. Yeah, that fits.

LiberalDrew probably shouldn't have assumed that you were gonna steal his character. I just read the part about the arms and cracked up! How was that gonna be a surprise again?

Anyhoo . . . Sorry about giving you a hard time, you're just getting all uptight about it.

Dantana

 

Finished through 40- I have no idea where you will get the money for a project like this but oh well

SC36- wouldnt he know to be a bit more discrete about the mirage squadron?

SC37-

SC38- not sure how i feel about the dance--
- i want a description of Anterox
-rather than Bounty hunter 1, 2 ect- give us a one word discription for their name ,, ie Green Scaley Bounty Hunter, Blue Skinned Bounty hunter ...

SC39- Val (to himself)-- is this a Voice over ? weird to have- if u did that Val would have to be the main character- come to think of it - i have no idea who your main character is!?!?
- not sure how Lily has a purse- havent really seen one before- would have to look really different than anythign here.

finished through 40

My biggest concern is that we just added like 5 characters to an already crowded and confusing cast- be careful of that- your loosing your readers which means your characters are not getting the attention and sympathy they deserve.- here's the critique:

 

You know what? I agree that there are an awful lot of characters. They may only have a line or two, but they still have to be shot from different angles, possibly, and they still have to be costumed.

This is going to take a huge budget, even if you think we can get by with a smaller one. I know you think it's great we've got the backing of some special effects people, but just costuming, props, and sets are gonna eat of a huge chunk of a currently nonexistent budget. You may want to put off most of the planning for two years, but if you expect to come back from your mission and start filming, even six months after getting back, you need to get development and preproduction done NOW.

Dantana

 

Just your night club scene is comprised of dozens of people- all elaboratley costumed - in a very techincally involved set, with lots of action, absolutley insaine lighting schemes, and difficult sound. NOt to be discouraging at all- but just practical..unless you got a very rich uncle who loves you a whole lot!

 

I've been trying to explain this to the execs, but . . . I'm just a girl, what do *I* know about producing a movie? *heavy sarcasm*

Dantana

 

You're saying I'm the uptight one, Dantana?

Allen,
I wasn't sure about Anterox's character discription until long after I wrote it. He is very tall, (about 8') with horns on his head like Darth Maul, but without the tattoos. His black body armor covers him entirely except for his head. And he has hair on his head, with the horns sticking out of it.

I haven't figured out the purse thing myself, but that's something I'll have to work with when we get there.

The entire scene will be the most complex in the movie, I've said it many times. Even Dantana knows it. But don't worry, I'll have resourses by the time I'm ready to film.

And Dantana, the last time I met with you to discuss it, you didn't say a damn thing, YOU shrugged ME off. So don't tell me that you aren't being listened to.

 

I sense a disturbance in the force.

-Ben Sch-

 

sorry that was me...mynock burgers

 

Okay, guys, this is your friendly neighborhood referee stepping in. Lee and Dantana, if you're having a disagreement, I would ask that you clear it up in PMs or in person, as I get the impression you know each other.

 

analysis of 40-49:

SC40- just a lil writing tip for the first stage direction
try this:
The Deathwind sits on the landing platform.
Carn carefully inspects the ship.
Val and Aster assist him.

tells us everything we need to know in half the time.

-again rather than "ASTER, CARN, VAL contine to do what..."
consider:
ASTER, CARN and VAL resume inspection.

SC42- CORRIN juggling- did he teach himself or did his father? -it's confusing

-Biph and Trev two more characters and without any kind of description. I think were up to about 17-18 characters that have more than a few lines and are in multiples scenes- you should really think about cutting back

- i like the idea of assembling this crew to find it- wouldn't they need an expert on the Codex with them... think of Stargate- got all the military guys and the lone nerd/expert. provides a great dynamic.

-the lightsaber passing from father to sun has been done - not only in the movie but in the first Jedi Knight video game- try and come up with an original method

SC44-"Inside the Deathwind, ASTER, AKBAHR, and CARN discuss their options" thats obvious from the following dialouge- dosent need to be stated.

SC47- would the Pirate guards just let them walk around in their camp? maybe an escort?

-vangar "got a lot of guts.."i still have a problem with this repeated dialouge thing- there are different people from different planets and would thust talk differently-

-Would Vangar say all that to his man when his life is about to taken? I think he'd just run or join in w/o dialouge

-is the bast radius of a thermal detonator really a mile?- i do know in the video games it's not that big but i dont know of any other souces that you may.

SC49-"You broke it! You broke the HYPERDRIVE!!" kinda stating the obvious- better left with just the line before

got through 49- more later

 

Thank you, Naraven, for stepping in.

Allen, thank you again for going through the script for me like this. ANYTHING to make it shorter helps. There's just SO MUCH in there that I love, it's hard for me to decide.

About the Cast List, I'll publish one for a front page, for reference.

Most of your advise is very useful, but some of it, although good, can't apply. Keep it up please.

-Corrin

 

First law of screenwriting- If you have a favorite part, it'll end up cut it always does

 

Well, sence I love EVERY part of the script, I hope I'll still end up filming it, and not cutting it all.