The Seamy Lounge

I hereby create this oh-so Seamy Lounge in the name of our Empress Sade, of our kingdom of Procrastination. Forever hail the Mistress and may the Force keep ...

*SNOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEE*



This is a place for us to discuss Seamy Things (other than the actual thread -- ) and tell Seamy Stories and give Sade Seamy Ideas ... you get the point.

The story thread is here.

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Shmi: "You're an idiot. I raised an idiot. An idiot pimp. A freaking stupid idiot ..."

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In honor of the new lounge, here's the mythical Post By Vee (from 7/20/2000):

A young cashier leans against the counter, her chin in her hands. She looks up and is instantly recognizable as VEE. (I don't want to know how you know, but you know, mmkay?)

An entire family of ugly-to-the-bone Gammorreans come in. They are so ugly that small children run away in fright, and their teeth have police tape wrapped around them because they are disaster areas. (Either that, or they need to invest in some toothbrushes. Probably both.) The UGLY MOM wears stonewashed jeans and a halter top which does *not* suit her in the least.

Ugly Kids: We're Bebe's kids. We don't die; we multiply!

Ugly Mom: I need three Happy Meals, one with Sprite, one with --

Vee: What kind of *kid's meal* do you want?

Ugly Mom (rudely): Chicken tenders! And make sure you get one with Sprite, one with --

Vee (pointing to the Wall O' Drink Machines): You get your own. Over there.

Ugly Mom: Oh. And I want a number one with everything.

Vee: Did you want cheese?

Ugly Mom: No.

Vee (muttering): Yeah, everything.

By this time, Vee has been standing on her feet for seven hours straight. She shifts from one leg to the other.

Ugly Mom: And I want a frozen Coke for the drink.

Vee: I'm not allowed to substitute frozen drinks for any drink in any meal.

The Ugly Mom reaches into her purse and produces a tattered "free frozen Coke!" coupon with an "X" across it. Vee snatches it and looks upon it with disdain.

Vee: First, this has already been used. (indicates the "X") Second, it expired almost a month ago.

The Ugly Mom holds out her hand for the coupon. Vee stares at her calmly and rips the coupon in half, throwing it away.

The Ugly Mom would probably kill Vee if Vee was on the same side of the counter as the Ugly Mom.

Ugly Mom: That's going to be all, then.

Vee: Okay. (does her Micro Machines impression That's threekidsmealschickentendersandanumberone?

The Ugly Mom blinks as her mind registers what Vee said.

UM: Yeah.

Vee (ultra-cheerful): Would you like to King Size that number one?

UM: No, I don't want to supersize it.

Vee: *King Size* it.

UM: I don't want to do *that* and I want the Big Kids' meals.

Vee has to redo all the register crap.

Vee: Is that all?

UM: That's all.

Vee says the price, that's somewhere around sixteen dollars. The Ugly Mom takes her sweet time to get the money, all in change, and Vee crouches down to get the toys. She picks up a bag and --

Suddenly there's a bloodcurdling scream.

Vee (panicky): Wha -- no CHICKEN RUN?!

Mike, Vee's Friendly Manager: Nope, girl. We've got Pokémon toys now.

Suddenly, it's too much. The Ugly-to-the-Bone Family and the Pokémon toys and --

Vee: AAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Off to the side, Vee's friend Mel removes her headset.

Mel: Uh-oh.

Vee: I am TIRED of being treated like I am STUPID! I am seventeen years old and I have 12 hours of college credit! Did I get that by being a (pointing at the Family) SLACK-JAWED YOKEL?!

Ugly Mom: Hey!

Vee: I have been trying *so* hard not to get tetchy. I don't want to be tetchy. When I get tetchy, I get migraines and BAD STUFF HAPPENS!

Mel (to Mike): Dude, if no-one here has Rammstein in their car, we're all screwed.

Mike: I have Evangelion in the break room --

Vee drops the toy to the ground and stomps on it, crushing the worthless piec

 

I think your mind has finally taken all that it can, and your sanity has snapped. But that's a good thing.

Chickens

 

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE SEAMY LOUNGE, WHERE WE CAN

SSSSSSSSSSSSSNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOORRRRREEEEEE!!!

ALL DAY LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Snoring.

*drums fingers on armrests*

Snoring some more ...

*yawns, stretches limbs*

Snoring alone ...

Hello?

*sobs*

It's so not seamy in here without you guys ...

(Watching "Family Guy" right now. A Seamy show if there ever was one.)

 

*stumbles in, blinks, collapses next to Vee's chair*

Looks like a good place to ditch work....

 

<struts into the lounge and plops down on the seamy red leather couch>

I'm proud of myself. I just installed my new computer almost all by myself.

YOu're right Vee, we need more seamyness! Where's Sudafed?

 

Yay, Jedi-Jae's a seamy one, now, too!

DZ, I'd congratulate you, but that just doesn't sound like procrastinating to me ... (then again, I've yet to re-hook up my printer to my laptop since coming home from college, and I go back in two weeks Maybe I should try something called "moderate procrastination").

The 14-Year-Old Babe Ruth Southeastern Regional Baseball Tournament is in town. I feel like making a sign: "Welcome to Lewisburg. Yes, You Have Seen Everything. You Can Go Home Now." Sigh. And now I have to chauffeur my brother around for the next few days ...

 

Recieving a brand new computer after having antique piece of **** is no time for procrastination.

 

*is blown away *is extremely touched *has heart attack, requests jazz funeral, own day

I have been without Internet access because I moved into a vile new place, and this new laptop will not let me put in apostrophes or question marks, causing me to type like Data, or Robert DeNiro.

*Seamys up thread

SNOOOOOOORRRRRREEE

 

Jazz funeral?!

DC, are you allowing that Real Job (tm) to get to your head? Come back to us, and the Seamy Lounge's turn to the Dark Side will be complete!

 

<<sprawls out on seamy Naugahyde couch, escaping from work>>

If your problem does not involve death, dismemberment or sexual harassment, I am ignoring your page. Please see a supervisor who cares...

SNOOOOOORRRRRE.........

 

According to www.humanforsale.com, I am worth exactly $2, 012, 040.00 . Of course, Ill jack that up in the open market

 

I'm still a seamy procrastinator. Really I am! But I've gone from being an umemployed bum to having two jobs and full-time uni! And I'm still paying off the evil-little Master's final legacy to me (a HUGE vet bill). Please still let me be Seamy



On another subject: Were the World FINA Swimming Championship aired in the US and Canada? Obviously they were screened live here and all we got was non-stop boasts about the feats of our swimmers to swim in different methods from one end of the pool to the other. But I do agree that the US beat us by sheer no. of medals even though we got more gold. But I thought that the Yank newspaper that was whining that their precious little Minister of Defence (or who ever he is) didn't make the front page of our newspapers when he come down to visit his pet politicians in the government a tad insulting. (Sorry, I'm tired, I'm stressed and I've only had one week of uni and I've already missed 4 lectures! )


What is that thing inbetween Ben and Yoda at the top of the screen?

Master, the pressure's on now, huh? If noone's going to be posting idle chit chat on the story thread, it's all up to you!


I'll be back tomorrow, got to go to work now I've become so respectable I disgust even myself.

Does this make me a <gasp> GROWNUP?

 

I'm worth 2,016,872 according to humanforsale.com.

 

DC, you're still Seamy. We you! Just say something smart-arsed every once in a while to let us know you're alive ...

I'm worth $2,190,710.00 at humanforsale.com. Some of those people were lying their asses off, though -- a twenty-two year old female with a doctoral degree? Pshaw! About as believable as her height/weight ratio: 5'8 and only 120 lbs.

I'm trying to figure out what made me cost $400,000 more than the average woman. The genius list brought up a bunch of philosophers and writers with high IQs, but I'm terribly afraid that the test was sexist and it's all about the cup size ...

I was quite surprised to learn that Einstein's IQ was only one point over official genius level, too. Sounds a little Shady (tm) to me, that Leibniz is so freaking smart, especially after a semester spent studying him concurrently in my philosophy class and my calc class ...

 

Eh. Me again. I wrote a story last night:

"Things to Tell (Starting Small)"

 

According to humansforsale.com, I'm worth $1,660,750.00. Hmmmm, I wonder if my hubby insured me for that much...

I don't think it's cup size, Vee! Believe me, my worth wouldn't be that high if it was!

It's my charm, good looks, and high salary (when I'm actually working and not hanging out in here)

*rolls back over on Naugahyde couch and snores*

 

Hey, I think I can sell everything but my head and buy one of you guys ...

*drools at the Seamy prospect*

*thinks about the Seamy prospect a bit more deeply*

Hmm. On one hand, I'd OWN A PERSON. On the other hand, someone else would own my BODY, but with my HEAD attached ... now what sort of person could be interested in the body of an almost-nineteen-year-old--

Never mind.

(The birthday is in twelve days. YAY!)

 

That **** survey doesn't have an option for us lucky bastards who aren't Yank or Canadian! That's terrible. So I lied and said I was a Canadian from Ontario. Why do I suspect that my email address is about to be cluttered with tonnes of spam for doing this? Where is Ontario BTW?


Master, what happened to that other SW ff you said you had written a while back?


Who me? A smartarse? Aww, shucks Vee. I didn't think you had noticed!


I'm worth $1,499,432.00 I must have lost at least a million in being reduced to a Canadian. Maybe it was the cup size? ?

 

<walks into lounge, sees couch's taken, so just lays down on the floor.>

I just slept for 14 hours(after staying awake for over thirty). And I'm ready for a nap.

 

Or it could be my never-smoked, never-drank answers. (Which are true. I come from families riddled with addictive personalities, and both my grandfathers are drunks, so using the slight bit of practicality I have, I have chosen to be good.) If this is based on any sort of truth, like insurance, then that's why.

Ontario is the Canadian province that juts south more than any other, between Michigan and upstate New York (on a map, look for the "mitten" shape, that's Michigan, then look east). It's a good place, both wholesome like the American Midwest and zany like the cities of the East Coast megapolis.

I tried to sleep in today, but my parents woke me up.

 

I don't know my exact IQ, and I haven't precisely /taken/ the SAT yet, seeing as I'm just /starting/ tenth grade Which prolly drove my worth down. $1,444,000.00.


Oh, and uh, hi! I'm not seamy yet . . . but I'm sure this wond'rous group can corrupt me *Grins*

 

*contemplates leaving the Naugahyde couch, but remembers housework and grocery shopping*

I'm tired just thinking about it....

 

CeNedra: We can, and we will. It's all in the original thread, linked at the top of this one.

Jedi-Jae: Here's a bullhorn, so you can sit on the naugahyde couch and yell at your people back home all at the same time. Start giving orders ...

 

Thanks, Vee!

*into bullhorn* Hey, kid, put down that Gameboy and get the lawnmower going! Hey, hubby o'mine, is that laundry done yet?

Apologies to anyone else trying to sleep