Saga - PT "The Secrets of Sewosta" (OCs, clones wars short story - COMPLETED)

Ewok Poet Gotchya.

That is a very interesting guess... I can't figure out how to hide spoilers or black out text like you just did. So, I'll send you a PM.

Thanks again!

Kuri

 

To post right after a brilliant analyser such as Findswoman is always difficult. But I will try anyway and keep it short. Like a haiku.

You lifted a story that began as a dramatisation of an RPG game you participated in into fanfic heaven.

Your character won me right during her simulation.

Your dialogues are fun.

And I envy you for your action scenes that really thrive from your rich background as a player.

As for Star Trek: especially @WarmNyota_SweetAyeshai very much in love with you now.

 

Findswoman Wow. Thanks so much for taking the time, not only to read all the way through, but also for such a detailed response! There's actually a funny story behind my selection of Polis Massan for Dr. Xam's character (think I was originally leaning towards an affable Mon Cal), which I'll save for another day. His species does present some logistical problems for the narrative - can he use comlinks? Do they really have ears? How does he eat!? But now I've got so used to him as he is it seems he could never really have been anything else haha.

AzureAngel2 I like your Haiku So glad we caught up.

As Ewok Poet has rightly identified, things start to come together from the next chapter, but it gets a lot more frantic too...

 

I wish I could be as short as a haiku. Even my what´s apps have the length of cell phone novels. Keitai shōsetsu, right?

Anyway, I envy writers like you that are short and crisp and focus on essential things.

 

Chapter 8​

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THE STRANGER STEPPED FORWARD, revealing a reptilian face in the flickering torchlight. Amber eyes with slit pupils glared at Maya. A hooded robe shrouded the figure, but did not hide his columnar physique. His forked tongue slithered out and in.​

“A Jedi Padawan? How pathetic. What are you doing here?” he hissed.

“You know the ways of the Jedi?” Maya tensed. He looked physically powerful, and she was unarmed. Yet he had not harmed her while she was unconscious.

“The ways of the Jedi?” the lizard threw back his scaly face and laughed. “Oh, how I know the betrayal and injustice of that loveless religion.”

Maya exchanged a glance with Dr. Xam, who was remaining thankfully silent, watching the stranger intently. She remained calm, wondering what fueled his bitter hatred.

“So you have the advantage over me. I’m Maya Qwan. Who are you? You are a prisoner here, too?”

“Who am I? Hah. You can look me up in your records, if they have not been erased, and if you make it out of here alive, little Maya Qwan, pawn of the Jedi Order.”

“You were once a Jedi?”

The brawny reptile stomped towards Maya. She braced ready to defend herself, but he marched right past her, stopping to face the far wall before turning and pacing back again. Maya recognised the mannerism of a frustrated predator.

“I have chosen a path of freedom from your heartless rules. I came here to live in solitude and peace. Why do you not leave me alone?”

Distant vibrations rumbled through the walls. The sounds of more landers? The roars of battle? Maya sensed they were running out of time.

“Look, I’m not here for you. I do not know what happened between you and the Jedi Order – but the sensor array has been damaged, and we need to get out of here, fast.”

The crocodilian tilted his head to one side, listening. “What are those noises? Do you bring an entire army to repair your precious spy station?”

“No! That is the sound of a Confederacy invasion force, and I think they want to take over this post for themselves.”

“The Confederacy?” he groaned in anguish. “It happens again! They are not here for you or your sensors, young fool. He comes for me. Will I never find peace?”

That took Maya aback. She said, “Who? Who do you speak of?”

The lizard growled, “Tekken. A Darksider. He wishes to use my powers in his war. But I will resist turning to the Dark side. Those Skraven fools, if they had not invaded my home I would have seen you all coming!”

The mysteries of Sewosta deepened with every word this being uttered.

Maya said, “This is your home? The Skraven did not build this pyramid?”

“It is my work. I forged the skull to keep others away, painted the pictures, planted the rumours of underground monsters. This was to be my sanctuary of solitude. Now it is all for nothing. Tekken has found me, again. Again I must run…”

“If you wished the Republic to stay away, why did you damage the sensor array?”

“Not me. Those blasted Skraven came from below, sabotaged the station. I carefully preserved this equipment, I used it – the array talked to me, let me hear the information it gathered and transmitted. Ironic, is it not? While I watched the stars, they came from under my feet and imprisoned me in my own fortress.”

Maya pieced together the clues. “You’re Force sensitive – a former Jedi? And you’re adept at technometry. You can commune with machinery. That’s a very rare skill; you must have been a great prospect for the Order…”

“I will never return to the Jedi. My powers are mine to do with what I choose.”

Maya held up her hands. “I’m not here to argue with you on that, I assure you. But getting out of here is a shared priority right now, don’t you think?”

“Yes, perhaps you can be of use to me. What did you have in mind, Padawan?”

Maya crossed to the barred gate. The rat-man beyond tensed and clutched his spear a little more tightly.

Maya turned to the reptilian and said, “I don’t know what brought them to the surface to attack you, but with the invasion underway perhaps now they will be willing to listen and negotiate with me.”

He shrugged. “It will not work, but you are welcome to try.”

Maya faced the Skraven again and took a deep breath.

“Listen, do you understand me? I need to talk to whoever is in charge here.”

“No try trick me, witch! Terrible things happen to you!”

The walls rumbled. It sounded like a distant explosion.

“You hear that? That is the sound of hundreds of terrible things coming this way. Tell your leaders we may be your only chance to live through this.”

The guard cocked his head to one side, blinked red eyes, then gulped.

“I return quick-quick…” the rat-man scampered away.

“Good work, Padawan,” said the reptilian. “Now what?”

Maya tested the portcullis, tugging on the rungs. The portal was cast of solid metal, set in an uneven stone wall over a metre thick. Then she remembered something her enigmatic fellow prisoner had said.

“How exactly did you build this place by yourself?” she said.

“With the Force.”

“You must be powerful in the ways of telekinesis, too. Wait, did you raise the boulders from below ground? You must have disturbed the Skraven lairs!”

“That is not true. I brought them from far away, otherwise the ground would have collapsed under the foundations.”

“Well, something has provoked them.” Maya sighed. “But that is not important right now. Can you not unmake this door?”

“It is set deep. If I move the walls, the roof will come down on our heads. You will have to think harder, young Maya Qwan.”

Maya huffed. “You could try and help, you know? I still don’t know your name. Are we working together or not?”

The forked tongue flickered out and in again. “I am Syrrulus, and I made this place; it has my strength. So I suggest we wait until that door is opened before we make our attack.”

“Wait, I said nothing about attacking. Let me try one more time to negotiate – ack!”

Maya recoiled as a wriggling serpent touched her hand on the gate. She took a step back. The segmented worm was as long as her forearm. It slipped to the floor, then closed a toothless maw at one end of its fat length on a metal spoke. Dr. Xam bustled forward.

“How fascinating! That looks like a species of ferro-worm. They digest metals, don’t you know? They certainly haven’t come up on my bio-surveys either.” The little doctor blinked his black eyes at Syrrulus. “Just how far down did you bring these rocks from? These creatures usually reside deep within a planet’s crust.”

“Can it eat us out of the gate?” said Maya.

“Alas, no. Not for several months, I’m afraid. Their metabolism, you see, performs several processes, the first being…”

“Alright, never mind,” said Maya, straightening. “Someone is coming!”

 

Fascinating revelations and Syrrulus' history. A temporary and reluctant but very useful ally.

 

AzureAngel2 Thanks so much. You have no idea how much that compliment encouraged me. I have been grasping for "crisp" writing for a long time.

WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Yes... maybe an ally?

Findswoman You are an awesome reviewer and I am humbled by your attention. Alas, I cannot claim credit for technometry (http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Technometry). It was in the Clone Wars Campaign Guide (for RPGs) as an obscure specialist skill that characters could train in. I think Quinlan Vos might be an adept. I see I mispelled it in the chapter above (and have edited) - sorry!

Thank you all for looking in again!

Kuri

 

Chapter 9​

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A PHALANX OF GUARDS appeared before the gate to the dungeon. Spear points bristled as one hissed, “Who speaks to King Chutt?”​

​

Maya glanced at Syrrulus. “Moving great rocks may be your thing, but this is something I can do.”​

​

The brute shrugged. “Then do it, young Jedi.”​

​

Maya turned to the guards, “I will speak to your king.”​

​

Keys clunked in gigantic locks. Sinewy claws grabbed the slender Padawan and dragged her out of the dungeon. Her arms were pinioned behind her back and she did not struggle as she was shoved down to kneel. She checked over her shoulder. Though the dungeon door remained open, a wall of spears kept Dr. Xam and Syrrulus within.​

​

Then the rat-men soldiers parted and a stooped Skraven strode forward. Long whiskers brushed his chest and the torchlight revealed his fur to be grey beneath a velvety cloak.​

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“King Chutt of the Skraven, I am Maya Qwan. I want to help you.”​

​

The aged king gestured angrily.​

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“You bring metal warriors to our sacred home!”​

​

“No. They are our enemies too.”​

​

“Then we kill-kill you and give you to them?”​

​

“It will not save you. They are from the Confederacy. Once they claim a planet, they will enslave all upon and within it.”​

​

Chutt’s long nose twitched and red eyes darted a glance at Syrrulus. The lizard waved a hand, “She is right. Surely you can understand that?”​

​

“Why we trust you? You try to kill-kill us!”​

​

Maya shot a look at Syrrulus, who shook his head. “I defended myself from your attack.”​

​

“You poisoned our water!”​

​

Syrrulus did not have an answer for that. Maya looked from one antagonist to the other. Then she said, “Wait. I think I see how this trouble has come between you. Dr. Xam?”​

​

“Err, yes Maya?” trilled the medic, braving spears to come closer to the gate.​

​

“Is it possible the sensor array has corroded or something to taint the underground water here?”​

​

“I’m afraid not, Maya. Plasteel is designed not to corrode – the durasteel component is bonded to the silicon, you see. That is why it was used in this humid climate, to last indefinitely on solar power. Oh, wait!”​

​

Everyone turned to look at the little doctor as he slapped a hand to his forehead.​

​

“Of course! So simple! One event on its own did not cause the disturbance, but in combination…”​

​

“Doctor,” said Maya, starting to feel the sting in her arms as the guards maintained their grip. “What is simple?”​

​

“Don’t you see?” his round white face appealed to the onlookers. “The ferro-worms! They live far beneath the crust, usually. But Master Syrrulus here inadvertently brought them up with his little construction project. I’ll have to consult my notes, but I imagine some abnormal chemical processes will be unleashed if they attempt to consume plasteel. I’ll even wager they secrete unwanted silicates or perhaps some lead-like toxins. Yes, and once that gets into the water…”​

​

Maya remembered the skull warning at the underground stream.​

​

“What this creature talk about?” snarled the grey-furred monarch.​

​

“It was neither the station nor Syrrulus’ pyramid on its own – but in combination...” Maya said. “King Chutt! We know what has caused your water to be poisoned – a terrible, terrible accident. But we can fix it, right Dr. Xam?”​

​

“Ah, yes. First step is to eradicate the ferro-worms still living in the pyramid, I’m sure I can source some simple local poison. Then we need to filter the water, check for traces…”​

​

“Right, Dr. Xam?” Maya repeated. Her arms were really starting to ache from the guards’ twisting.​

​

“Oh,” Dr. Xam seemed suddenly aware of everyone looking at him. “Yes, quite possible.”​

​

Maya looked at King Chutt. “But we all have another problem…”​

​

A distant boom echoing through the pyramid punctuated her statement. Chutt fidgeted.​

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“You promise to clean our water, yes-yes?”​

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“You need to free us. We need to fight the metal warriors first.”​

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“We see your fireswords, we see your power. You no hurt us yet, Maya. But how we trust him?” he jerked his paw at Syrrulus. The crocodilian folded muscular arms and glared.​

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Maya said, “I need him, and your soldiers, too. I cannot fight the metal warriors alone.”​

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“I don’t know…” the ancient rat-man fiddled with his long whiskers for several moments.​

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“Enough of this!” growled Syrrulus, leaping into action.​

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“Syrrulus, no!” said Maya, sensing the surge in Force energy.​

​

​

 

Oh, great. Maya was just about to reach a solution that would be best for everyone when Syrullus had to go and spoil it, confirming the other side's distrust Yup, a definite example where chronological age doesn't always equate with sense since Maya is the youngest of the group. She cuts to the chase. Even Xam is somehow lost in a distracted cloud of scientific ponderings as to how to do this and fix that.

 

Chapters 8 and 9

Wow, what a fascinating character, this Syrrulus. He remains ambiguous about his intentions and behaviour as Maya basically asks him every question in the book and identifies his abilities one by one (but did she identify them all?). He seems to have lot of respite against the Jedi, yet he doesn't mind Maya after all, so...does he need her for something?

The Skraven are, well, weird. They don't like the Jedi, they don't like anything modern and...regardless of how Maya and Xam want to save their own skin AND help out, Syrrulus seems to be losing patience way too fast. This last cliffhanger got me worried more than any of them before.

And the whole dialogue-heavy narrative, all video game-like works WONDERS here, in case I didn't say so previously. Many stories would be lost that way, but for this one, it fits like a glove.

 

Echoing poet's comment about dialogue-heavy narrative. I love reading and/or writing dialogue and strong skill with dialogue will always impress.

 

Some folk are just not worth saving!

 

WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Ooh you're a sharp one, Ny. Yes, I delight in reversing or upending established tropes, and the "age = wisdom" is an easy target. Though I wouldn't describe Maya as wise exactly, the youthful can have a purity of vision that is insightful sometimes.

Findswoman You got it again: Xam may be academically brilliant, but a little oblivious to things happening around him through his intellectual curiosity. Maya is better with people - but even this complex situation of interlocking conflicts is a little betond her...

Ewok Poet - thanks for the kudos. I'm often in awe of how Shakespeare told so many brilliant stories entirely through dialogue - and the odd stage direction. I bet that would make a good challenge: Write a story as a play.

AzureAngel2 LOL I expect Maya is thinking the exact same thing.

Thanks again to you all for looking in and sticking with me so far.

 

And as we're all up to date...

Chapter 10​

SYRRULUS UNLEASHED A BATTERING RAM of invisible power into the guards before the dungeon gate. They slammed into the far wall. He slithered out of the dungeon, surprisingly agile. Then he raised a scaly claw. For the first time Maya noticed one of the king’s entourage carrying a padlocked chest. It was wrenched from his grip and smashed into a wall. Maya saw silver metal objects spill out – among them her lightsaber.

The guards holding Maya dumped her to the floor before reaching for short swords at their hips. Syrrulus was too fast, kicking and smashing his way past the Skraven. He paused only to grab some items from amongst the spilled contents of the chest, then with a hiss disappeared around a corner.

Maya spat out floor-dust and sat up again. Skraven guards surrounded her and she faced the grey-furred king, who was now trembling with rage.

“You plan-plan this!”

“No… I swear it. He betrayed me – left me behind at your mercy.”

Another vibration shook the walls. Maya gathered herself and stood, ignoring the spears pointed at her neck. Her frustration at the stubbornness of Chutt, coupled with Syrrulus’ betrayal threatened to spill over into anger. She took a deep breath to find inner calm with the Force. Why won’t this monarch do what’s right for his people? Their destruction bears down upon them even now!

Insight came to her through the Force as she momentarily touched minds with Chutt. She felt his fear, his panic, his indecision. Then, there, amongst the conflict roiling in his mind, she saw a stone monolith scratched with alien words. She could not read the writing, but from his emotions she knew it was a record – a history of deeds of the Skraven rulers. This is what concerned him the most. In the moment of clarity she understood. She saw a short-lived, morbid race, preoccupied with the deeds of their ancestors – and adding to them – and in awe of the everlasting forest. Our sacred home.

“It is time to make a stand and fight for your home, King Chutt. This is the moment your name will be scratched in the stones of ancients. Let me fight with you, and you stand a chance to make your legacy.”

Chutt’s whiskers twitched. Maya knew she had touched upon the right motivation.

“You make a case, Maya. What you plan-plan?”

“The metal warriors are all controlled by a great machine in the sky. I need to get up there and take it out – then they will become nothing more than metal skeletons. The doctor here will stay with you as a show of our good faith.”

“What? Oh my!” said Dr. Xam. Chutt glanced at him then back at Maya.

“How you get to sky?”

“I have my own ship… oh, wait…” Maya crossed to the spilled items on the floor and rummaged around. She found her lightsaber, cable and aquata breather.

“He’s taken my comlink.” A warning screamed in her mind. “He’s after my ship! What’s the fastest way out of here?”

“What? How he find it?” said Chutt.

“He can… commune with machines. My comlink is linked to my ship. With it, he can track its location – and I can’t even call Tio to warn him! Please, I need to stop him before it is too late, for all of us…”

“You show her, quick-quick!” Chutt commanded two minions. Maya collected her belongings and attached them to her belt. She was about to set off, but paused. She turned back to the Skraven ruler.

“It will take time for me to disable the metal army. You will need to hold them off…”

“We ready to defend our sacred home!”

“They fight in large blocks. When they can concentrate their fire, they are unstoppable. The secret is to split them up into smaller groups – individually they are very poor soldiers. Tell your warriors to hit and run, lead them in different directions into the forest, then counter-ambush."

“I understand,” the grey whiskers twitched. “Thank you, Maya. Good luck.”

“And to you, King Chutt. Thank you.”

Then she followed the two rat-men as they led her through the maze.

 

Superb! Syrrulus is a snake in the grass. But Maya more than salvaged the situation and figured out his intention in the nick of time, seems like. : Her self-composure led her to realize the King's motivation, the one that would work. If she'd given into emotion or just plain reacted, the situation would have fallen off even more disastrously.

 

Arriving after Finds usually means that there's nothing else to say, especially in case of such short chapters, so I'm just nodding here. And echoing her statement, of course.

 

WarmNyota_SweetAyesha Nice summation. I look back on this chapter sometimes and think I made Chutt a bit of a pushover in this scene.

Findswoman I sympathise with Ewok Poet. You've hit all the nails on their heads (again).

I saw on the help thread that once weekly updates are recommended I've been going way too fast and you've all been so good to me. Thanks!

(Maybe next chapter on Friday 27th?)

 

I am glad for Maya that things turned out okay in the end. It could have been a lot worse.

 

Okay-dokey, I read all the way from One to most of the way through Four, in one go.

Fine story, characterisations, and ship-play.

I hoped Chapter One was a sim, as I couldn't see how she would make it into the next seven chapters; no negatives detected in first two chapters, though I thought her master (read this three days ago, and have forgotten names) was friendlier in the story, than in the character intro you gave us in the OC thread.

Only issues I had were two point-of-view descriptions.

1. Whatserface - the girl - jumping from ziggurat to ziggurat. You wrote about a shadow or silhouette under the canopy.

Up to that point, everything was POV'd very close to her; whereas this seemed it would have been an observer's view of her, rather than her own point of view.

2. Her impressions of the Sewosta settlement layout, whilst walking at ground level. Batteries, A-OK. Circuit board, I feel that the way most of us see a circuit board, apart from say, AntMan, for something to look like that to her, she would need an aerial viewpoint, not something I can see her thinking up at ground level.

Incredibly good effort, for your first posted fic here.

 

Sith-I-5 Aha! Thanks so much for taking the time to have a look and share your opinions. You have given me some good points to ponder.

RE: Chodo (Maya's Master). Err, yeah, I blurted out that bio in a bit of a rush. I'll have to go back and see where I gave the impression he was unfriendly when dealing with his padawan.

Point 1: Hmm. Oh dear. That was deliberate. I like to occasionally suddenly "zoom-out" to try and create an eyeball kick for the reader. I usually switch to metaphors rather than similes at these points, too. I'll have a long think as to why it didn't work for you this time. Thanks!

Point 2: I can instantly agree . I think in an earlier edit that little bit of description was when she was coming down in the Delta-7 and sees it from above, but I shifted it to later to show how she gradually discovers the true nature of the complex. Now you mention it I don't think it adds anything more than the simile with a giant battery cell, and have edited it out. (Is that cool? To edit on the forum according to suggestions?)

And you have inadvertantly gifted me another word! I was grasping around for alternative nouns for the pyramid while writing, and ziggurat is cool. *shamefully grabs word and inserts it into next chapter*

Thanks so much for looking in.

AzureAngel2 It's not over yet! Thanks again for taking the time to read and reply.

K

 

Chapter 11​

THE SKRAVEN SCAMBLED THROUGH THE LABYRINTH, the nimble Padawan struggling to keep up. Finally, they halted beneath a flight of steep steps.

“This lead to top – secret exit.”

Maya nodded. “Thank you. Now your king needs you.”

She scampered up the staircase and pushed aside the curtain of jungle vines that obscured the exit from outside. Standing on top of the ziggurat, she appreciated for a second the sunshine that dappled her face through the forest canopy, a welcome relief from the stuffy dungeons. Then she surveyed the scene below.

The droid army swarmed before the skull entrance. Two heavy laser cannons rhythmically pounded the walls of the edifice, but Syrullus’s construction technique was robust and the monolithic structure refused to topple even while great chunks of masonry were ripped from its waist. But it won’t hold forever…

She cast her gaze to the side of the pyramid, where a squad of battle droids beside speederbikes held a flanking position. Maya spotted the crocodilian silhouette of Syrrulus slither through the undergrowth towards them. He attacked with surprising speed, pouncing from cover. An amber blade ignited. A lightsaber! It must have been in the chest along with her belongings.

Three vicious swings and three robot soldiers fell. The fourth staggered back. Syrrulus bounded onto one of the repulsorlift vehicles then pulled something from his cloak. The Force adept touched the device to his forehead for a moment. Maya knew it had to be her comlink. Then with a whine of engines he zoomed away into the jungle.

Maya took two step backs, inhaled, then made a running jump off the edge of the pyramid. She caught hold of dangling vines lower down, using her acrobatic skills to swing and drop. Her lightsaber sprang to life and beheaded the final automaton. Without pause, Maya leapt onto another of the bikes and jetted after Syrrulus.

She ducked and weaved through the jungle, quickly catching sight of the lizard ahead. He seemed to sense his pursuer, turning to glance at her. The tongue flickered, then he turned back and hunched lower over his bike’s steering vanes.

Maya stepped harder on her accelerator to keep up with Syrrulus, chewing her lip as the vegetation thickened with each kilometre they ventured further away from the pyramid. She weaved between clusters of dangling vines while thin branches whipped against her bare arms and legs.

Three pathways opened up ahead, demarked by four colossal tree trunks. Syrrulus zoomed through the central path, but as Maya scrutinised the choices she thought she spotted an opportunity to overtake the reptilian. To the left side, another gigantic tree had long ago toppled to the jungle floor. Its hollow husk now offered a narrow but passable tunnel for her speeder.

Dappled light turned to echoing darkness as she flashed through the passage. A patch of light ahead signaled an opening above and Maya wrenched back on the steering vane to zoom out of the tunnel before she ran out of space. She glanced across and saw she had caught up with Syrrulus. They screamed on, neck and neck, only five metres between them. An open glade offered Syrrulus an opportunity and he swerved towards Maya’s bike. The two speeders slammed together, almost knocking the novice Jedi from her mount.

Maya held on as Syrrulus repeated the maneuver, following up with a swing from a scaly claw. Maya ducked under the strike and gasped as she saw her Delta-7 directly ahead through the woods. Syrrulus had hunted it down easily.

The lizard leapt from his bike, allowing the speeder to fly on and crash into undergrowth beyond her starship. Maya matched his move, springing from her bike and rolling. The mossy loam gave her a soft landing. In a moment she was on her feet, lightsaber hilt in hand.

Tio had found a clear patch to park the starfighter, ringed with luscious greenery. Syrrulus rose to his full, imposing height and swept back his long robe from his sides. His lightsaber was in his claw and the sunburst-yellow blade extended with a snap-hiss. Tio hooted with alarm as Maya and Syrrulus faced one another across the verdant glade.

“Walk away while you still can, little Padawan,” hissed the crocodilian.

“You know I can’t let you take my ship.” Maya ignited her own weapon.

A roar of starship engines washed down from above. Maya and Syrrulus both looked skyward. Maya gasped. A shuttle loomed, throwing a triangular shadow across the glade. A disembarkation ramp was lowered beneath its chin, and a dark-robed figure stood peering down at them with blank eyes. Syrrulus growled.

The newcomer’s leathery skin was stained blood red and face-tentacles writhed about his mouth. Maya recognised the squid-like Quarren species. He floated down with a controlled descent that betrayed Force powers.

“Tekken,” hissed Syrrulus as the newcomer stood tall. Now the confrontation involved three…