The Shifty Troublemaker: A TPM Humour Script

strilo edit: solojones has requested that this thread be locked. She invites everyone to check out the Shifty Troublemaker's new home in FanFiction.


For your reading pleasure, solojones and Terr_Mys present...

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TITLE CARD : A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....

A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the main title, followed by a
roll up, which crawls up into infinity.

STAR WARS:
EPISODE I- THE SHIFTY TROUBLEMAKER

Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic, but after excessive indigestion,
spat the Galactic Republic back out again and decided to just stare at it
threateningly. The taxation of trade routes to
outlaying star systems is in dialysis.
Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade
of deadly battleships and antacids, the
greedy Trade Federation has stopped all
shipping to the small planet of
Naboo.
While the congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of
events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the
guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict.....

PAN DOWN to reveal a small space cruiser heading TOWARD CAMERA at great
speed. PAN with the cruiser as it heads toward the beautiful green planet of
Naboo, which is surrounded by hundreds of Trade Federation battleships.


INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER - COCKPIT

In the cockpit of the cruise, the CAPTAIN and PILOT maneuver closer to one
of the battleships.

QUI-GON : (off screen voice) Captain.

The Captain turns to an unseen figure sitting behind her.

CAPTAIN : Yes, sir?
QUI-GON : (V.O) Is that all you can say?
CAPTAIN : Yes, sir.
QUI-GON: (V.O) Tell them we wish to board at once.
CAPTAIN: Yes, sir.

The CAPTAIN looks to her view screen, where NUTE GUNRAY, a Neimoidian trade
viceroy, waits for a reply.

CAPTAIN : (cont'd) With all due respect for the Trade Federation, the
Ambassadors for the Supreme Chancellor wish to board immediately. The younger one has to
go pee.

NUTE : Yes, yes, of course...ahhh...as you know, our blockade is perfectly
legal, and we'd be happy to receive the
Ambassador?s liquid waste...Happy to.


The screen goes black?no, wait, sorry, the screen goes African-American. Out the
cockpit window, the sinister battleship looms ever closer.

EXT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - DOCKING BAY - SPACE (FX)

The small space cruiser docks in the enormous, impressive CGI, non-miniature main
bay of the Federation battleship.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM

A door slides open, and the two cloaked shapes are led PAST CAMERA into the formal
conference room by TC-14.

TC-14
I hope you honored sirs with the
most comfortable here. My master
will be with you shortly.

The droid bows before OBI-WAN KENOBI and QUI-GON JINN. He
backs out the door and it closes. The JEDI
lower their hoods
and look out a large window at the lush green planet of Naboo.
QUI-GON sixty years old, has long white hair in a ponytail he hasn?t cut since Woodstock.
He is tall and striking, with blue eyes. OBI-WAN is twenty five, single, and enjoys
long walks on the beach.

OBI-WAN
I have a bad feeling about this.

RANDOM FANBOY
Haha, yes!

QUI-GON and OBI-WAN turn to face RANDOM FANBOY for a moment, then go back to their
conversation.

QUI-GON
I don't sense anything.

OBI-WAN
It's not about the mission, Master,
it's something...elsewhere...elusive...
that, and I still really have to go pee.

QUI-GON
Don't center on your anxiety, Obi-
Wan. Keep your concentration here
and now where it belongs.

OBI-WAN
Hmmm? Sorry, I was just thinking, perhaps I should take up the bagpipes?

QUI-GON
The present...

OBI-WAN
You?re right, I wouldn?t have time to practice them NOW... But Master Yoda says I
should be mindful of the future...

QUI-GON
...but not at the expense of the
moment. Be mindful of the living snot you?ll
get beaten out of you

 

At first glance I thought this thread title had a bad word in it.

 

The screen goes black?no, wait, sorry, the screen goes African-American.


x 1000


excellente job rachel and other lady!

 

Um...I'm not a lady.

But thanks anyway.

 

Terr, who are you kidding? We al;l know your a Girl, or rather not.


That was real good. I laughed hard a Couple of times.Especially the Shaft Part.

 

Terr knows his young, cannibalistic audience, what can I say Sithy

-sj loves kevin spacey

 

*Eats Solo Jones*

What was That?

 

Awesome!

 

that was great, guys.... I had to pee twice becuase I was laughing so hard!!!! .... I can't wait for the rest!!!


Leia

 

QUI-GON sixty years old, has long white hair in a ponytail he hasn?t cut since Woodstock.
He is tall and striking, with blue eyes. OBI-WAN is twenty five, single, and enjoys
long walks on the beach


Great job you two!

P-F

 

We're trying to get access to the original script again so we can write the next part, but the site we got the script from last time isn't working too well... we may have to blast!

-sj loves kevin spacey

 

ah man, great stuff!! I bet if i'd posted a thread like this it would've been gone in seconds!
great stuff!!! keep it going!!!!

 

Sorry about not updating. Didn't have a correct version of the TPM script there for a while, but I just found one Hopefully Terr and I can write the next part tonight

-sj loves kevin spacey

 

Woohoo, here's the next part. Hope you enjoy

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE

TEY HOW recieves a transmission.

TEY HOW : Sir, a transmission from the planet.
NUTE: It must be the IRS! Tell them I refuse to pay their blood money!
RUNE : It's... Queen Amidala.



On the view screen, QUEEN AMIDALA appears in her throne room. Wearing the entire city of Milan in headdresses and robes, she sits, surrounded by the GOVERNING COUNCIL and FOUR HANDMAIDENS, É1, É2, É3, and TIM.

NUTE : (cont'd) Again you come before me, Your highness. The Federation is pleased.
AMIDALA : You will not be pleased when you hear what I have to say, Viceroy...Your trade boycott of our planet has ended.
NUTE: What the-? When did you hit puberty?! You sound like my uncle!
AMIDALA : I have word that the Senate is finally voting on this blockade of yours.
NUTE : I take it you know the outcome. I wonder why they bother to vote.
AMIDALA: Enough of this pretense, Viceroy! I'm aware the Chancellor's Ambassadors are with you now, and that one of them is a charming, handsome young man. I demand a phone number.
NUTE : I know nothing about telephones...you must be mistaken.

AMIDALA, surprised at his reaction, studies him carefully.

AMIDALA: (normal voice) ... You?ve got an eyelash on your cheek. No, no the other side-there... Now, what were we talking about? Oh, yes. (deep voice) Beware, Viceroy....the Federation is going too far this time...Denying a horny 14-year-old girl her right to a hottie's number. Tsk tsk.
NUTE : Your Highness, we would never do anything without the approval of the film ratings board. This is a PG movie afterall.
AMIDALA : We will see.

The QUEEN fades off, and the view screen goes African-American.

RUNE : She's right, that young Jedi is sooOOoO hott!

RUNE lets out a girlish squeal. NUTE coughs.

RUNE: I mean... something about the Senate?
NUTE : It's too late now.
RUNE : Dammit, why do I always mess up my lines?!
NUTE: I don?t know, but it may have something to do with your homosexual tendencies.

An awkward silence fills the room.

INT. NABOO PALACE - THRONE ROOM

The QUEEN, two of the És, and her Governor, SIBBLE BIO... I mean, SIB LISSLE... er, BIS LIBBLE... who the heck names these characters.

GEORGE LUCAS (O.S.): I do.

Honestly George, do you have to insert yourself in every scene of this movie? ... Anyway, all these ridiculously named characters stand before a hologram of SENATOR PALPATINE, a thin, kindly... Phantom Menace!

PALPATINE : ...How could that be true? I have assurances from the Lucas...my characters are the same. It must be the...n00b...fanboys...

The hologram of PALPATIONE sputters and fades away.

AMIDALA : Senator Palpatine?!? (turns to Panaka) What's happening?

CAPTAIN PANAKA turns to his SARGEANT

CAPT. PANAKA : Hey heey-heeeey!

CAPT. PANAKA breaks into the Rerun Dance.

BIBBLE : ...a malfunction?
CAPT. PANAKA : It could be these tight leather pants, your highness. They?re jamming my-
BIBBLE : (quickly interrupting) A communications disruption can only mean one thing. Invasion.
AMIDALA : Don't jump to conclusions, Governor. The Federation would not dare go that far unless seriously inebriated. Like at that one New Year?s party...
CAPT. PANAKA : The Senate would revoke their trade driver?s licenses, and they'd be finished.
AMIDALA : We must continue to rely on negotiation.
BIBBLE : Negotiation? We've lost all communications! Humiliation, nation, legislation! Little Miss Muffet sat on her Tuffet- wait, is that profane?
CAPT. PANAKA : This is a dangerous situation, Your Highness. Our security volunteers will be no match against a battle-hardened Federation army, if our preseason is any indication anyway.
AMIDALA : I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war. Slow, painful death by lethal gas, yes, but not war.

EXT. SPACE LANDING CRAFT - TWILIGHT (FX)

Six landing craft fly in formation toward the surface of the planet Naboo.

EXT. NABOO SWAMP - SHALLOW LAKE - TWILIGHT

Three landing

 

classic

 

That was great! :^0 Are you going to do a third part? Even if you don't that was great! See Ya!

 

Oh yeah, we're going to continue. A few new parts should be going up this week/weekend. Sorry it's a little off because of conflicting schedules. Patience is a virtue Glad you guys like it

-sj loves kevin spacey

 

Just great!

Remember me not to print this and take it to class again. I'm starting to get weird glances when I burst out giggling in the middle of physics class.

P-F

 

Part 3!

EXT. NABOO LAKE - UNDERWATER

QUI-GON and OBI-WAN swim behind JAR JAR, who is very much at home in the CGI pixel-environment. Down they swim into murky depths. In the distance the glow of Otoh Gunga, an underwater city made up of large silicone implants, becomes more distinct. They approach the strange, Hugh Hefner inspired habitat. JAR JAR swims magically through one of the "Pamela Andersons", which seals behind him. OBI-WAN and QUI-GON follow.


INT. OTOH GUNGA - CITY SQUARE

GUNGANS in the square scatter when they see the strange smelling JEDI. Four "BUNNY" GUARDS armed with long......."electro-poles" ride two-legged..."KAADUS" into the square. The BUNNY GUARDS, led by CAPTAIN TARPALS, point their lethal..."poles" at the..."dripping" "trio"...my word George, this is a kid?s movie!

JAR JAR : Heyo-dalee, Cap'n Tarpals, Mesa back!
CAPT. TARPALS : Noah gain, Jar Jar. Yousa goen tada Bosses. Yousa in big dudu this time.

(At this point, the computer's spell-checker exploded. Please excuse any spelling errors from here on out. Thank you for your cooperation.)

CAPT. TARPALS gives JAR JAR a slight zap with his "power pole". JAR JAR jumps and moves off, followed by the two JEDI.

JAR JAR : How wude....and yet ewotic.
OBI-WAN: Oh now that?s just sick.

INT. OTOH GUNGA - HIGH TOWER BOARD ROOM

The Bosses' Board Room has bubble walls, with small lighted fish swimming around outside like moving stars. To prove this metaphor, one in the distance collapses, forms a black hole, and sucks in neighboring fish. Look really closely, fanboys. It's in frame 3,271,138. A long circular judge's bench filled with GUNGAN OFFICIALS dominates the room. OBI-WAN and QUI-GON stand facing BOSS NASS, who sits on a bench higher than the others.

BOSS NASS : Yousa cannot bees hair. Dis army of mackineeks up dare tis new weesong!
QUI-GON : (reading from GunGan-Basic dictionary)Thosa makenees is abouts to attack duh Naboo. We must warna dem.
BOSS NASS : Wesa no like da Naboo! Un dey no like uss-ens. Da Naboo tink day so smarty den us-ens. Day tink day brains so big.

OBI-WAN flips through his dictionary.

OBI-WAN: Yousa? There's no way I'm saying that.... Look, the short and long of it is, there's an army up there and you're screwed.
BOSS NASS : No, mesa no tink so. Mesa scant talkie witda Naboo, and no nutten talkie it outlaunders. Dos mackineeks no comen here! Dey not know of uss-en.
EWAN (O.O.C.): What in the-? Look, George...I can't work like this.
George Lucas (O.S.): We?ll fix it in post!
OBI-WAN : Right...You and the Naboo form a symbiotic circle... Like a clown fish and a sea anemone... guess who's the clown fish?
BOSS NASS : Wesa wish no nutten in yousa tings, outlaunder, and wesa no care-n about da Naboo.
QUI-GON : (waves his hand) Then speed us on our way.
BOSS NASS : I'm Toydarian! Mind tricks don-err...Wesa gonna speed yousaway.
QUI-GON : We need a transport.
BOSS NASS : Wesa give yousa una bongo. Da speedest way tooda Naboo tis goen through da core. Now go.
QUI-GON : Thank you for your help. We go in peace. (under breath) Let?s pray he?s not in the next two.

LIAM throws a pointed glance at GEORGE (O.S.)

QUI-GON and OBI-WAN turn to leave.

OBI-WAN : Master, whats a bongo?
QUI-GON: Don't be a square, brother! Have you never felt the beat of the magic drum?! Poetry, man! Beatniks! Hippies, peace and love! Woodstock, '69! Yeaaahhh!!
OBI-WAN: ...
QUI-GON: (clearing throat) Oh, sorry. What's a bong? A transport, I hope.

The JEDI notice JAR JAR in chains to one side, waiting to ?hear his verdict?. QUI-GON stops. JAR JAR gives him a forlorn look.

JAR JAR : Daza setten yous up. Goen through da planet core is bad bombin!!
QUI-GON : ...Thank you, my friend... I think? What did he say, anyway?
JAR JAR : Ahhh...any hep hair would be hot.

OBI-WAN: Did he just call me hot?

JAR JAR's soulful look is counterpointed by a sheepish grin.

RANDOM FANGIRL: He's sooo right!

She swoons, aiming towards OBI-WAN?s arms. He steps back, letting her fall to the

 

That is definately the funniest thing I've read in quite awhile!

 

hehhehehehehhehee, great stuff solojones. LMAO

 

Half the credit goes to Terr_Mys, mind you I'm very glad you're enjoying it. I find it very amusing myself, actually Another bit coming soon.

-sj loves kevin spacey

 

Part 4!

INT. THEED - PALACE THRONE ROOM - DAY

QUEEN AMIDALA, SIO BIBBLE, and FIVE OF HER HANDMAIDENS (SLEEPY, DOPEY, SNEEZY, HAPPY, DOC) are surrounded by TWENTY DROIDS. CAPTAIN PANAKA and FOUR NABOO GUARDS are also held at gunpoint. NUTE and RUNE stand in the middle of the room. (ENOUGH WITH ALL CAPS, GEORGE, YOU DON'T NEED TO YELL!)

BIBBLE: ...how will you explain those continuity errors to the fans?
GEORGE LUCAS: They won't notice. Now get back to the scene!
BIBBLE : Oh, yes. How will you explain this invasion to the Senate?
NUTE : The Naboo and the Federation will forge a treaty that will legitimize our occupation here. I've been assured by the PHANTOM MENACE it will be ratified by the Senate.
AMIDALA : I will not co-operate.
NUTE : Now, now, your Highness. You are not going to like what we have in store for your people...Teletubbies!

There is a general gasp of horror from the assembled.

NUTE: In time, their suffering will persuade you to see our point of view. Commander. (OOM-9 steps forward) Process them.
OOM-9 : Yes, sir! (turns to his sergeant) Take them to Tinky-Winky.

The SERGEANT marches the GROUP out of the throne room.

EXT. PALACE - PLAZA - DAY

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARVES, accompanied by various ACTION FIGURE POSIBILITIES are led out of the palace by ten BATTLE DROIDS. The plaza is filled with tanks and BATTLE DROIDS, which they pass on their way to the detention camp. Unbeknownst to them, QUI-GON, OBI-WAN, and JAR JAR sneak across on a walkway above the plaza (at this point, you may be wondering how JAR JAR sneaks anywhere. But if you'd just watch the movie, you'd see that he obviously has his mouth duck-taped. No, not duct tape, duck tape. You know, from the Duck Planet. More on this later. Meanwhile, I think something's going on... ah yes, here it is...) and jump from a balcony to begin an attack to rescue the QUEEN.

FOUR BATTLE DROIDS (collect them all!) are instantly cut down. MORE DROIDS fall to the ground as they catch a glimpse of that hunky stud-muffin, Ew-err...Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon swings his green laser-bong...err...sword...until there is only the DROID SARGEANT left. The SERGEANT starts to run but is pulled back to QUI-GON by the Force, then let out, then pulled back, in an old Jedi Force Yo-Yo trick, until finally he is dispatched by the JEDI.

JAR JAR : Hmmuumm!
OBI-WAN: (grins) Much better.

GEORGE makes a brief on-screen appearance to remove the duck tape from JAR JAR?s mouth.

EWAN (O.O.C.): You?re no fun.

JAR JAR: Yousa guys bombad!

GEORGE LUCAS (O.S.): WAIT! I've got it! We can make a video game out of that! Yes! A RACING video game! $core! Cha-ching!

RICK McCALLUM (O.S.): It?ll be ******* awesome!

QUEEN AMIDALA and the OTHERS are amazed. JAR JAR is mourning the loss of the skin around his lips. They move between two buildings.

QUI-GON : Your Highness, we are the Ambassadors, for the Supreme Chancellor.
BIBBLE : Your negotiations seem to have failed, Ambassador.
QUI-GON : Gee, thanks RIC! The negotiations never took place. Your Highness, we must make contact with the republic.

CAPTAIN PANAKA steps forward.

CAPT. PANAKA : They've knocked out all our communications, and in the first round! I had a lot of money on that fight!
QUI-GON : Do you have transports?
CAPT. PANAKA : Of course. Because they wouldn't want to destory those too or anything. That would make it impossible for us to escape. They're in the main hanger. This way.

THEY disappear down an alleyway as the COWBELLS are sounded.

Christopher Walken: Mo-ah cowbell!!!

INT. CENTRAL HANGER - HALLWAY - DAY

CAPTAIN PANAKA cracks open a side door to the central hanger. QUI-GON looks in over his shoulder. OBI-WAN, JAR JAR, and the rest of the ACTION FIGURE POSSIBILITES are behind him. They see several STAR WARS LEGO(TM) SET Naboo spacecraft guarded by about FIFTY BATTLE DROIDS. Blue Oyster Cult can be heard in the distance.

CAPT. PANAKA : There are too many of them.
OBI-WAN: Accelerate to attack speed! Draw their fire away from the cruisers.

 

Hey, I thought I replied to this before. Hmmm...anyways.

Great stuff!

OTHER GUARDS run to their aid. OBI-WAN flashes a smile at the GUARDS around the PILOTS. They swoon.


P-F

 

You're just doing a great job of being the story's #1 cheerlead, Leida. Have an Obikie. It's like an Obi-Wan cookie, except with a little more ginger

-sj loves kevin spacey