Before - Legends The story of the battle of Bogden

Never finished it. probably never will. After all, no books are being published about what happened between AOTC and ROTS anymore, are they? And this story's full of mistakes. This story takes place after "A new Threat" but in it Anakin's a Padawan when he should be a Knight and is still weaker than Mundi and A'Sharad Hett. But anyway, here it is. Please tell me what you think of it.


Count Dooku walked into the room. The Count is a tall man with white hair and a white beard. He is the leader of the Separatists, a group of politics who left the Republic because they feared it was becoming corrupt. They know the Count used to be a Jedi, but little do they know that he is now a Sith Lord by the name of Darth Tyranus. They are currently fighting the Republic in the Clone Wars. In this room on Geonosis sits five Separatists, who are the most supportive Separatists and created most of the droids for Count Dooku?s droid army. The Separatists are Nute Gunray, a tall green cowardly Neimoidian, Wat Tambor, a tall, green headed humanoid who?s part cyborg, Poggle the Lesser, the Archduke of Geonosis who uses a walking stick and has wings, San Hill, a tall humanoid with pale skin and Shu Mai, a small humanoid with greenish blue skin. A man follows Dooku into the room. The man is tall, just over 2 meters tall, and very muscular. Every part of him is bigger than average from his hands, which are nearly twice the size of a normal human, to his ears. He has a clean-shaved head and face. He has light gray, almost yellow, eyes, he wears a gray, Jedi like tunic and a lightsaber hangs from his belt. As he and the Count walk in, the Separatists heads turn towards them. ?Greetings, my friends.? Says the Count in a hollow voice, ?We have a few matters to discuss. But first let me introduce you to someone.? The man walks closer into the room, next to Dooku and the Count holds his hand to his side, next to the man. ?This is Javair.? Says Dooku, ?He is our newest Jedi follower. As you know we already have half a dozen other Jedi followers, some more powerful than Javair, but he is by far the most loyal. Should anything happen to me, Javair will take my place. Now to move on. This war is neck to neck. We have great forces, but the Republic still has many more political supporters than we do. We need something to give us the upper hand, to insure our victory. I understand that you?re working on a new droid. Can you gave me some information on this new droid?? ?This droid is very powerful.? Says Shu, ?The most powerful droid we have created yet.? ?It is so powerful.? Says Nute, ?Even the Jedi will fear it.? ?The first droid is finished and the first batch of droids is well on its way to being created.? Says Wat. ?Good.? Says Dooku, ?When they are created Javair and an army of droids, including these new droids, will attack the Republic. How long until the first batch will be ready?? ?We are thinking about 20 standard days.? Says San. ?Good.? Says Dooku, ?Now tell me exactly what this droid will do.?
Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker walk into the Jedi temple. They have just returned from a battle on the planet Xagobah. It wasn?t what Obi-Wan would call a success. The Jedi were winning when the droid General, General Grievous, joined the battle. Obi-Wan and Anakin were the sole survivors of the war. It had been them vs. Grievous. Grievous stabbed Obi-Wan in the stomach and Anakin had to take Obi-Wan back to the Acclamator-class Republic troopship, Candaserri, while fending off Grievous. They made it and, with the doctors on Candaserri and Anakin performing a Force heal, Obi-Wan survived the encounter with Grievous. Back on Coruscant the Jedi healers performed Force heals on Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan only stayed there for a day because the healers had many other patients, whose conditions could be fatal, to attend to. Now he and Anakin had to report the events of Xagobah to the Council.
?Terrible this is.? Says Yoda. Obi-Wan had told the Council about the events of Xagobah. ?Destroyed, many Clones and Jedi were, and gain control of Xagobah, we did

 

This story is most interesting. I would love it if you would continue. There's plently of action to keep the story moving!
Two things that irked me. One, it would be easier to read the story were it split up into more paragraphs, especially when someone speaks.
And the style is a little simple. Think about going into more detail--sight, sounds, smells, etc. But it was a good beginning!
Update soon!

 

Wow, thanks. More paraghaphs and more detail. But pretty good for someone who's 15, huh? I'm thinking of maybe becoming an author someday. What do you think?

Anyway, allright, maybe I'll keep writing. But I'm really busy this weekend and then, of course, I have school. But then I have a 3-day weekend with no homework (since it's the end of the first quarter). So I guess I'll probably work on it some more then. I'll probably just work on finishing it first and the I'll go back and put it into more depth anf fix timeline mistakes. I'll probably just move it back a year or so. Xagobah was the only planet I really knew of that I could put this after at the time I started it. I dunno, maybe I'll put it between The Cestus Deception and Last Stand on jabiim? Does that sound good? There's a 3 month gap there from Obi and Ani's advantures, so...


Anyway, thanks.