Full Series The 'Stuff-We'll-Never-See' Thread

Quinlan: So do you like holograms, man?
Kit: Ya man, sure.
Quinlan: Okay, you got the job, man.
Kit: Just like dat? You don't have to interview anybody else?
Quinlan: Nobody else showed up. Hey, I've got four more of these hologram huts somewhere. If you see one, could you tell me?
Kit: Why don't I make a hologram?
Quinlan: Whoa man! A hologram of a hologram! That'd be like...art or something.

Ahsoka: Okay Jar Jar, we have to stay together. Every time we come to Hologram Fun World, you get lost.
Jar Jar: But thersa be holographic fun around every corner!
Ahsoka: What are the rules?
Jar Jar: No hittin yousa from behind with the podracers.
Ahsoka: And...
Jar Jar: And no riding thosa tauntauns at the petting zoo.
Ahsoka: AND... WE HAVE TO STAY TOGETHER JAR JAR!!
Jar Jar: Fine...frogs!
Ahsoka: Stay!

Guy in costume: Hi kids! I'm Squawkey the Fun World Monkey Lizard! And I'm here to make sure you have fun, fun, FUN!
Ahsoka: Hey, where's Jar Jar? What time is it?
Squawkey: Did simebody ask what time it is?! Here it's always fun o'clock!
Bith musicians: It's always fun...fun...FUN!!!
Kit: Blow it our yer retros, morons!

 

Very nice stuff, guys.

Cody: I outrank you, Rex.
Rex: Yeah, well, I've got an awesome name, so you can eat it.

Twi'lek: Excusez moi, monsieur.
Waxer: Uhhh...may we help you ladies?
Twi'lek: We are here for ze spa treatment? We 'ave 'eard of ze famous waxer and boil spa! Hot watehr towels, waxing, ze works?
Waxer: Uhh, actually, we're not-
Boil: (brushing Waxer aside) -properly certified due to the war, but you came to the right place!

Gree: (back in training) So a pincer formation should be a viable tactic in breaking the enemy flank.
Bly: I agree, Gree! (the other Clone Commanders begin giggling incessantly at the vocal gag)
Gree: I told you guys! It's an ALIEN SPECIES! A SPECIES!

Tarkin: I reserve my respect for those who take action.
Anakin: ...You don't really know who I am, do you?
Tarkin: Not as such, no. Skyhopper, wasn't it? (laughs) What a preposterous name, a noun and a verb.

Obi-Wan: Captain Fordo! Pull your men out of there!
Fordo: (while blasting away at the advancing enemies) I'm sorry, general, I can't hear you over how AWESOME I AM.
Rex: Show off...
Fordo: If you need me, I'll be over here being AWESOME!
Battle droid: (eyes blowing up) MY PHOTORECEPTORS! He's TOO AWESOME!

Ki-Adi: We must push on! Forward!
Director: Cut! That's a wrap!
Ki-Adi: But it was just one line! I have much more to say!
Plo: If we need you, Ki-Adi, we'll call you.
Ki-Adi: Teacher's pet...

(The following is also interchangeable with Anakin, the Daughter, and the Son, with some modifications. But this is so much more awesome. )
Boba: What do I do...what do I do?
Plo: (on his shoulder) You're not just gonna let them die, are you?
Boba: (gasp) My shoulder angel!
Pilf: (poof) Don't listen to that guy. He's trying to lead you down the path of righteousness. I'M gonna lead you down the path that ROCKS!
Plo: Oh come off it.
Pilf: You come off it.
Plo: You.
Pilf: You.
Plo: You.
Pilf: You infinity. (Plo growls) Listen up, Fettish, I got three good reasons why you should listen to me. Reason number one...look at that guy. He's got a spider on his face!
Plo: We've been through this, it's a mask.
Pilf: Right. And that's a dress.
Plo: Robe!
Pilf: Reason number two. Look at me, I'm a monkey lizard!
Boba: What does that have to do with-
Plo: No, no. He's got a point.
Boba: Look, guys, you're kinda confusing me, so begone! Or, uh, however I get rid of you.
Plo: That'll work. (poof)

 

Nice follow-up, fistofan1!



"No no, he's got a point."

 

I'll be posting some more Monkey Lizard stuff in a few days, but for now some pure randomness!

Obi-Wan: You know I am getting sick and tired of my fangirls putting me in hurt-comfort fanfiction.

Anakin: True. But it could be worse.

Obi-Wan: How?

Anakin: Your fangirls could be making YouTube videos of you with Linkin Park songs in them. You know with you being all emo and singing things like CRAAAAAAAWWWWWWWLLLLLLIIIIINNNNNGGGGG IN MY SKIIIIIINNNNNNNN!

Obi-Wan: I think being emo is your specialty.

***

Anakin is sleeping when suddenly his cellphone rings.

Anakin: Hello?

Padme: Ani! Its me Padme, something horrible has happened!

Anakin: What? What happened?

Padme: I've been captured!

Anakin:

Padme: Hello? Hello? Are you still there? Answer me Ani!

Anakin: (hanging up) Bye Padme, I'm going to make myself a pop-tart.

***

Plo Koon walks into Kit Fisto's room and to his absolute horror sees Kit Fisto dancing and singing to Sean Paul's Temperature wearing nothing but a speedo.

Kit Fisto:
Well woman the way they time cold I wanna be keepin' you warm
I got the right temperature for shelter you from the storm
oh lord, gal I got the right tactics to turn you on, and girl I...
Wanna be the Papa...You can be the Mom....oh oh!

Kit suddenly sees Plo Koon.

Kit Fisto: Oh hey Plo! I...didn't see you there.

Plo Koon: ...............Are you having fun singing?

Kit Fisto nods.

Plo Koon: ......And dancing?

Kit Fisto nods again.

Plo Koon: That's.......good. ........Now if you excuse me I'm going to scrub my brain out now.

***

Asajj Ventress: (to Savage Opress) Clean your room!

Savage: No.

Asajj Ventress: *slap* I said-clean your room!

Savage: Ok.

 

Nice ones, Jedi_Kenobi32.

Cad Bane: For de head of Mace Windu, you're gonna have to do better den a million credits! I want a trillion-
Todo: (cutting him off) Billion! Gajillion! Shoobidoobopiliion! Shimmyjimmilion! Yen!
Cad Bane: Yen?
Todo: Hey, it doesn't sound any goofier than Wupiupi!
Gunray: (thick Japanese accent) What is this Yen you speak of?

Savage: Feral. Try not to draw attention to yourself.
Feral: That won't be a problem, Savage. (loudly) HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO NIGHTSISTERS!
Savage: Ugh...

Saesee Tiin: Don't try hiding your frustrations, Padawan Tano, I'm a telepath. And your very thoughts betray you-
Ahsoka: WHAT? MY THOUGHTS BETRAYED ME?! (pointing her lightsaber to her head) Alright, listen up, brain, I don't want any more guff from you!
Ahsoka's brain: (a'la the Simpsons) It's not what you think! I couldn't help it! It's just been so lonely lately!
Ahsoka: A likely story! It's a good thing I'm still not old enough to start killing you with alcohol!
Saesee Tiin: Uhhh...yeah. You're still not coming on the mission, though.

Jedi: Alright, Captain, let's see who can get the highest kill count!
Captain: Right, General!
-The two wind up surrounded by droids...-
Jedi: I've got another idea. Let's see how many droids we DIDN'T get.
Captain: Right, General.

Lieutenant Tan Divo: Alright, I've narrowed down the suspects and murder weapons to six apiece. But your names are so difficult, I'm just gonna give you new ones. (pointing) Colonel Mustard, Professor Plum, Mr. Green, Ms. Scarlet, Mrs. White, and Mrs. Peacock.
Halle Burtoni: This is hardly standard proce-
Tan Divo: Quiet, Mrs. Peacock. Now were you or were you not planning to strangle Mr. Boddy with the Rope?

Pre Viszla: We're here to restore the warrior culture of our people, to take what is rightfully ours and face the mightiest of opponents in glorious combat!
Death Watch Officer: So why are we using guerilla terrorism against a bunch of weak-kneed pacifists? (awkward silence, Pre Viszla shoots him)
Pre Viszla: Any OTHER questions?
Officer 2: (raises hand) So where does Jango Fett fit into all this?
Pre Viszla: Look man, if we start pointing out every wayward Mandalorian who's more badass than us, we're going to start to look bad. (high pitched) "Oh! They're just like Jango Fett, only weaker! Oh! Jango Fett was WAY more kickass than they were!" (back to normal) Well, Jango Fett didn't have my sense of style! (the Death Watch murmur agreement on Pre Viszla's pimping warrior's cape)

Piell: Captain Tarkin, I heard you were once a governor. How'd you ever wind up here?
Tarkin: It's a funny story, really. It all started when I said Mon Mothma had a cute butt. Add a few holonet circulations and here I am.

Plo: Oh yeah, I remember your cousin, Ranulf Tarkin. Strong willed. Determined.
Wolffe: I thought you said he was a total douche, General.
Plo: No need to drag the names of the dead further down.
Tarkin: I'm standing right here, you know.

 

Oh come on! This thread is just 24 pages long - I know you can do more than that (saying 'better' wouldn't be fair, now, would it).
*falls down to grovel before koonfan*

 

'Captain Tarkin' issue is now solved.... thanks Koonfan

 

Always a pleasure to try and fill the void of plot holes and continuity errors with laughter. Y'know, when we can't get a Monkey Lizard to do it.

No new episode this week, sadly, so I'm gonna keep try some new material. We've done ship names, episode titles, fortune cookies...Now for Aurabesh messages we'll likely never see! Y'know, the ones on display screens or advertising boards.

-Mark Millar licks goats
-Han shot first
-Kilroy was here
-Monkey Lizard was here
-Red+Blue=Purple!!!!
-If you're translating this, you have way too much free time
-In your FACE, Zillo Beast! (well, yeah, I was just looking for an excuse to use that scan )
-Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, those dumb clankers'll turn to rust
-Crazy Jedi says what?
-AT-TEs are not AT-ATs
-If you're reading this, you're missing the episode right now!
-Shoot this thing
-Don't shoot this thing
-Keep these things from blowing up
-Stuff-We'll-Never-See Thread rules!
-Note: Tuesday is raid night. Lich King Heroic.
-1337 5p34k3r5 h4xx
-The Chancellor's a Sith!
-Come see Dorin's black holes, one-way trip only
-New moogan tea! Now with 50% more womp rat poison!
-The real question is: Is any of this real?
-In the sunken city, the Old God sleeps...

 

- ***K YOU

Well, that isn't so unlikely, considering it was part of the aurebesh decoration text in the original Wizards of the Coast Star Wars RPG website...

 

Oh, those scamps.

If we reach 25 pages, I'll bring up a special topic! ...well, not that special, there won't be any pictures or fancy graphics or anything, it's just...yeah...business as usual...we're bound to reach 25 pages anyway, so...

Hooray for making a big fuss over nothing!

Plo: Right. Listen closely, Master Fisto. We're on the trail of a dangerous monkey lizard and we must be cautious.
Kit: Ya, mon. You check over dere, by da drug pushers...I'll...be by those Twi'lek honeys.
Plo: (oblivious) Good point. Monkey lizards are often sold as exotic pets to the rich and vacuous.

Obi-Wan: Is that Darth Maul in the club? ALIVE?! And on the DANCE FLOOR?
Anakin: Obi-Wan, it's our night off! Take a chill pill!
Obi-Wan: Oh, I hope you don't mean that literally...

Ki-Adi: What I'm wondering is...what are we all doing in CLUBS lately? I thought we had a war to fight!
Shaak Ti: Ever notice how adventurers always 'meet in a tavern'?
Ki-Adi: Yeah?
Shaak Ti: It's something like that.
Quinlan: Heeeey! (surfer saunter) Master Mundi, Master Ti, lookin' good! Try the Ruby Bliels!
Ki-Adi: I'm more of a Sapphire man myself...

Grievous: Clubs are barbaric! Give me the symphony any day! I am the very model of a modern major general!
Kit Fisto: And DAT is why you are an irredeemable monster!

Grievous: What do you mean you won't let me get complex biological security systems? Retinal scans, print analyser, face recognition software...
Dooku: Firstly, you're nothing but a fluid sac and a pair of eyes. Secondly, we own a DROID army. And finally-
Dave Filoni: -if we had all that, do you have any idea what sort of sick, twisted solutions the writers could come up with to bypass them?
Grievous: Uhhh-
Dave: Try dragging the dead guy's body around for security clearance!

 

Yeah, Plo and Kit and the monkey lizard - that's just dead-on .

 

I can't think of anything to contribute right now, oh the horror!

 

Someday, we might stop finding clubs, discos, Kit Fisto, stoned characters and monkey lizards funny. When the age of TCW comes crashing down around us. An hour of Witches and shattered hulls. When we forsake all bonds of nerdhood and figure we'll move on with our lives.

But it is not this day!

Also, General Grievous likes the symphony and the orchestra.

Palpatine indulges in Squid Lake and a night at the theater.

Coincidence?

 

More Aurebesh messages we'll likely never see:

Join the Dark Side we have cookies!
Koonfan is awesome!
Retcons suck!
Grievous just cannot win....
This is hidden message....
If you really bother to translate this... get a life!


What about hidden spoilers- fiendish way to add them in aurebesh messages
Ahsoka will not die in this series
Rex is a separatist spy
If you don't want to be spoiled don't translate these... and don't visit the official site....
Han Solo appears in season 4 episode 20!
Maul is alive!
Darth Maul was here!
OT-animation coming!

or hidden truths about the saga:
Mortis WAS just a giant Rakatan mindtrap!
Monkey Lizards are behind everything!
Aayla has appeared in nude photos!
Ki-Adi(heart)Shaak Ti!
Midichlorians are lie!
Hondo is Anakin's father!

truths we already know but in-universe characters don't
Massive number of Weequays spotted all around the galaxy!
If you jedi would read this, you would know Palpatine is the sith lord!
Trade Federation is not neutral at all and yeah Anakin is married to Padmé- are you really surprised?
Fake-Jar Jar finally captured- he is just as irritating and clumsy as the real one but sounds worse....
Empire is coming....

 

Other Aurebesh messages we'll never see:

2-D American animation is dead.
Toasty!
The cake is a lie.
Palpatine created this whole war to consolidate his power. And that's just terrible.
Fox supports Palpatine.
It will be twins.
All your base are belong to us.
We'z in ur base, stealin ur lightsabaz.
i can haz empire plz?
Do not want.
Obi-Wan wishes he knew how to quit Anakin.
(Captioning a picture of Aayla Secura.) No exceptions.
i herd u liek mudkipz?

 

Ceci n'est pas un lightsaber.

 

Maaaaaaaan I love this thread.

Koonfan, you're hilarious...

 

Thanks a lot, guys! Nice with the memes and Toasty, DarthIktomi. You too, Swash.

Obi-Wan: Anakin, spinning is NOT flying.
Anakin: But it's a good trick!
Obi-Wan: Where did you even learn that, anyway?
Anakin: Weeeell...
-Flashback to Anakin's past, he is playing on a game console. Starfox is on the screen...-
Game: Do a barrel roll!
Anakin: (salutes) Right away, talking donkey character!
-Present day...-
Obi-Wan: So your entire piloting experience comes from videogames.
Anakin: So?

Padme: Anakin, this is wonderful! You have a day off! We can spend it together!
Anakin: Uhh, yeah, about that. I kinda promised Obi-Wan we'd go somewhere.
Padme: What?? But...Anakin! I know he's like your brother, but is he more important than your wife?
Anakin: No! Of course not! He's just as important as you are! (Padme glowers) It's just that sometimes I need a night out with the guys, and you know me, I hardly have any guys to have a night out with! Aside from Obi-Wan. And Rex. (chuckles) And y'know, bros before hos!
Padme: Did you just call me a-
Anakin: Bye, Padme! (dashes out)

Anakin: What do you mean we can't hang out for awhile?
Obi-Wan: Anakin, people are starting to talk. We're starting to go from BFFs to OTP.
Anakin: OTP?
Obi-Wan: One True Pairing.
Anakin: Well...uh...fine! I'll just find someone else to hang out with! Though I can't go crawling back to Padme, she'd say "I told you so" and I'd never hear the end of it...Uh...did I say that out loud?
Obi-Wan: (helpfully) Say what out loud?

-And so Anakin's search for a new buddy begins...-
Kit Fisto: Sorry, I'm occupied.
Aayla: Ditto.
Plo Koon: No.
Ki-Adi: Not bloody likely.
Eeth Koth: No.
Adi Gallia: No.
Mace Windu: This party's over.
Ahsoka: Yes!
Anakin: No. Sugi?
Sugi: Won't go. Same with Embo.
Hondo: (laughing) Yes! I remember! (straightens up) No.
-And so finally...-
Waiter: Can I take your order?
Yularen: Yes, I'll have the grilled bantha fillet mignon, with a bottle of Chateau l'Alderaan.
Anakin: Admiral, we're in Dex's Diner!
Tera Sinube: (waking up) WHA! Who said that? Where am...Oh. I'll have the bran flakes, please. (Anakin nurses his temples and groans)

 

LOL great stuff but i think there is only two "waiters" in Dex's diner WA-7 and Hermione Bagwa.... btw why we haven't seen that place yet in the series


Then rewritten ending for Witches of the Mist...

Talzin: "Savaaage- you have come home to us..."
Savage: "I need help mother- Ventress betrayed me, jedi are after me- i need strength to defeat them all!"
Talzin: "You will have it.... let's say five credits and i can tell you your future!"
Savage: "Okay- let's see..." (takes stuff from his pocket including few credit chips, half-eaten chewing gum and some buttons)
Savage: "Here five credits"
(Talzin places credits into little slot in her crystal ball- it lights up)
(Talzin mumbles something- Maul's face appears into a ball)
Talzin: "Now i can see.... you have a brother.."
Savage: "But all my kin were killed"
Talzin: "No this one is alive- and he lives in exile on the Outer Rim...."
Savage: "Where exactly?- there is billions of worlds on the Outer Rim!"
(crystal ball's light dies out)
Talzin: "I'm sorry i was not able to see it- time ran out -but for another five credits i could activate the ball again..."
Savage: "But those were all my savings- Count Dooku didn't pay any weekly allowance!"
Talzin: "Too bad... then you just need to get a proper job- now get out hornhead- my sanctuary is for paying customers only!"

 

Not bad, not bad at all, Swash. Aside from turning edgy characters into stoners, we also like turning menacing villains into creampuffs or con artists. Given that Savage is voiced by Mister Krabs of Spongebob (no, really!) I find it somewhat ironic.

Also, time for a Terry Pratchett reference! Well, the only Discworld book I own, Jingo, but still.

Talzin: 5 credits, and I shall reveal what you see. 50 credits, I shall reveal what you get.
Savage: 50 credits for context?! I'd rather take the plotholes! (gives 5 credits)
Talzin: I see...I see you and your brother. You are surrounded by nubile looking Twi'leks in a pleasure palace. They seem very playful.
Savage: Hot dog!
Talzin: There are no hot dogs in Star Wars. Retract your statement.
Savage: Sorry.
-Through a series of adventures too convoluted to describe, the brothers end up in drag, dancing with the slave girls of a Hutt palace...-
Savage: (falsetto voice) Uhhh...any of you ladies from the planet Nubilia?
Twi'lek: (giggles)

 

More craziness about Aayla's nude pics- this thing is of course reference to artwork in Star Wars visions Sleeping Aayla what if this would have been in-universe photo or some holophoto- what would have been reaction if jedi would have appeared as nude photomodel Warning: this is very random.....

(Aayla has appeared as model in revealing artpictures spead throughout the galaxy in holonet and she is called to be addressed by the jedi high council)

Yoda: "These pictures taken from you- i heard revealing they are- more revealing that your outfit i fear!"
Aayla: "They were sensual and elegant artpictures they were not pornographic or otherwise inappropriate or vulgar- jedi code doesn't forbid in participating in the work of art."
Mace Windu: "That may be so- but is it appropriate that member of jedi order is in them- now during the wartime, when faith to the jedi order is weakening amongst the people of the Republic?"
Aayla: "I don't think my pictures could affect general opinion of the order- I am just giving a Twi'lek face to the order... it shows we jedi are normal people too..."
Mace: "Face? yes and ... and..."
Shaak Ti: "..bare breasts?"
Mace: "Yes... exactly... I... i don't think it's appropriate at all!"
Aayla: "Have you even seen this artwork?"

Mace: "Me? I... I don't tend to watch.... that kind of pictures..." (sounds embarassed)
Yoda: "In 700 years i haven't seen a naked female and going to see now I am not!"
Obi-Wan: "Yes i've seen them... they're sensual and.... and i don't think we need to discuss about this we have more important matters to attend to, galactic war and everything...."
Plo Koon: "I've seen them- but through these goggles they don't look like much- no offense of course master Aayla i'm sure they were sensual...."
Ki-Adi-Mundi: "There haven't been jedi nudepictures for a millenia- i don't even believe in these pictures before i see them... no"
Adi Gallia: "I haven't seen and i couldn't care less- these men are just overreacting- and as master Obi-Wan said- we have more important matters at hand"
Shaak Ti: "I've seen them but i don't know what to think about them...."
Oppo Rancissis: "I have seen them and i don't even understand why we are talking about them here... i don't even find bipeds appealing"
Even Piell: "For some reason I only saw right side of the picture....."
Eeth Koth: "I haven't seen them but their reputation proceeds them- reputation of vulgarity and pornographical influences!"
Saesee Tiin: "I haven't seen them and i don't need to- I can read your mind and see the pictures there...."
Kit Fisto: "I have seen them and they are very sensuel and beautiful- nothing inappropriate or vulgar- they're just art.... and you are excellent photomodel Aayla (winks)"

Suddenly Anakin and Ahsoka arrive to the council chambers:

Anakin: "Excuse me... masters.... sorry i interrupted your important session but.."
Ahsoka: "....We just received transmission that separatist launched massive attack on Duro and billions innocent lives are in danger you are all just talking here... about master Secura's boobs!?"

(entire council looks extremely embarassed- they watch each other and are completely speechless)

 

Ah... umm... blue twi'lek, pink nipples? Really? And that was in an official release?

I just don't have anything more to say about that...

 

official but not canonical- and they're more like violet ... perhaps her violet/pink lips are also natural then- i don't think that's so odd after all- they probably have red blood....

 

LOL Have you ever been to DeviantArt? There isn't a single female Jedi on there who isn't portrayed like Aayla, and every male Jedi is bare-chested, long hair (or whatever) flapping in the breeze.

Yoda: Deviants they are. But why no pictures of me, no?
Obi-Wan: Master Yoda, that would be even too deviant for them.

 

I was gonna let this drop, but it really is as on-topic for "things we'll never see" as you can get! But I dunno, in humans nipple color tends to correlate with skin tone. Or maybe I'm just too scarred from the pre-production nudie pic of Oola way back in the Art of ROTJ book... I was an impressionable young lass when that came out.

DeviantArt is one thing, licensed LFL product another. I'm really not an uptight girl, but it just looks weird beyond the obvious to me. I guess I like my JediPorn more realistic, like my SW planetary astrophysics!