Discussion in 'Star Wars TV' started by koonfan, May 26, 2009.
Bonus points for geek synergy.
Can I post a parody in three parts? (If not, banish the post, not me, please ).
Obi-Wan?s footsteps were slow and unsteady; he looked almost shell-shocked when Anakin ran into him in the hallway. Had the Council sprung a new padawan on him like with Anakin? Nah, nothing like that. He looked ? old, almost defeated. Sad.
The poor man clearly needed cheering up; whether it was the war or not, something was taking quite a toll on him. As Anakin?s self appointed mission in life was to save everyone, from death, ill humor, even Yoda?s ankle whacking, he clearly needed to get to work and wipe the strain off the older man?s face. Attack and distract, yeah, that?d work.
?Why so glum, Master?? He did not expect Obi-Wan?s sad gaze to get even sadder.
?Don?t call me that.? Even the command was ? a whisper.
?That.? What that? Searching his memory for an insult, mild or not, intended or not, Anakin decided someone was miscommunicating. ?What?d I call you??
He didn?t expect the sigh. The shift of Obi-Wan?s eyes. The second sigh. ?Master. I?m not, you know.?
?They?re not rescinding my knighthood are they?? The pretend shock, the wide-eyed stare, the elbow jab into the ribs ? all only earned another sigh. A third sigh. A pained sigh. ?Hey, you?ve earned your masterhood for your knowledge of the Force, not for training me to knighthood.?
?A lie, all a lie.? Obi-Wan gestured with a controlled flap of his hand. The ?unflappable Obi-Wan? was flapping his hand - okay, this along with the sighs ? three sighs ? was a sign of ?serious trouble.?
?The Council found out you faked your knowledge of the Force??
Ooh, good, that earned the ?masterly glare? that he knew from old. The problem was the glare faded. Obi-Wan shifted on his feet and closed his eyes, rocked on his feet, and gazed at his boots with a frown.
?One of my mission reports has been called into question. My rank has been suspended pending an investigation.?
?Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi?now that?s a name I haven?t heard in a long, long time?no?? Anakin stared. He cast about for his tongue and when he found it, managed, ?Padawan??
The clipped grunt, the eyes avoiding his - ?You?ve been busted to Padawan? I outrank you?? Slowly, a grin spread across his face. ?I?d choose you for my padawan, but I?ve got Ahsoka. Has Yoda spoken for you??
A virulent shade of red crept up Obi-Wan?s neck. ?I don?t want to discuss this.? He whirled and strode off, leaving Anakin staring after Obi-Wan and scratching his chin.
?Umm, Obi-Wan, is today April?s Fool??
?Master ? hey, Sky Guy!? Ahsoka slid next to Anakin, meal tray in hand. ?Have you heard about Master Obi-Wan ? I mean ? well, your master, well, I guess he was your master even if he?s not a master and oh, I don?t know what I should call him, but it?s really hard to wrap your mind about ? it?s just so weird and ?I mean I?m not really sure it?s true, but what if it is, ooh, it?s got to be so hard on him and -?
?Snips, stop. Choose your words, breath at the end of a sentence, and what is the deal with Obi-Wan??
?Master Obi-Wan, I mean Obi-Wan when he was a padawan and I guess he?s one, now, too ? okay, Master, I?m breathing, I?m breathing. He was knighted.?
Had the wars driven everyone crazy? Anakin crossed his arms and stared crossly at his padawan. ?I know he was knighted. On Naboo. For killing Darth Maul - the only padawan to kill a Sith in a thousand years.?
?But that?s just it, Master.? Snips was all but wailing now. ?It was all a lie; he was knighted under false pretenses. TCW intelligence says Darth Maul is alive. ?
Anakin Skywalker was miffed. Pleased. ?And confused,? he muttered, resting his head in the palm of his hands.
He probably could come up with another twenty words if he tried.
What Jedi knight wasn?t pleased when his padawan earned knighthood? Ahsoka Tano, Jedi Knight. Knighted at 16!
?She broke my record.? And what did that say about him, the Chosen One, not knighted until into his twenties?
While I am slightly wary of the potential for people to break out into another rousing chorus of "THIS SHOW SUCKS! WE WON'T SEE GOOD WRITING LOLOLOLOL WE ARE SO WITTY!", I must admit (and here I separate it to emphasise my point!)...
I found that an absolutely delightful read. Anyone who can't find the humor in it might need to take a second look.
To commemorate the resurgence of the Darth Maul promotions, I shall revisit a tried subject from season 3: Ways Darth Maul Could Have Survived.
Scene 8: Powered by his undying hate.
Darth Maul: No...no, it can't end like this! I had so much I still wanted to do!
-Flash to Darth Maul at a desk...-
Darth Maul: Please hold, I'll transfer your call!
-Back to the present...-
Darth Maul: Remember...remember...hate gives me power! Hate makes me strong! I...I...I despise the holonet! (his muscles tremble) I think my master sold me out! (his tatoos start dancing) MODERN ART HAS NO SOUL! (his horns grow) AND IIIIIIII HAAAAAAATE CHIIIIIILDREEEEEEEEEEEN'S PROOOOOGRAAAAAAMMIIIIIIIIIIING! (his lower half ignites into a burst of flame, propelling him up through the shaft) (strikes the Superman pose as he inexplicably flies up through the shaft) Now to start a FLAME WAR on the holonet!
Scene 9: Training from his childhood
Darth Maul: Remember...remember, you've been in this before! Think! What happened?!
-Flash to Mother Talzin overseeing a Nightsister ritual involving male Zabraks in the old saw-in-half magic trick...-
Talzin: Now remember, my sisters, to work your way up. First, from two zabraks in one box. Then, one zabrak in one box. Finally, one zabrak in no box. And by the Force, be sure you do not- (terrifying scream is heard) -use the vibroblades without proper guidance, now somebody clean that up.
-Back to Maul...-
Darth Maul: Yes, now to WILL myself back together! (Force Pulls his lower half towards him) Good thing the Nightsisters left my instruction manual behind! (extracts it from his back pocket) Now, insert tab A into slot B...
Scene 10: Stole another character's plot shield
Darth Maul: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~ (suddenly, he catches up to Harvey Dent from The Dark Knight) Harvey Dent?
Harvey: That's Twoface now, actually!
Darth Maul: Falling to your death?
Harvey: Don't worry! It's not conclusive! Falls are the most open ways villains are disposed off, I'll probably make it for the sequel!
Darth Maul: Funny you should mention that. (grabs Dent's plot shield badge)
Harvey: What? Wait, no, what're you doing!
Darth Maul: One lawyer less. Seems I'm doing the galaxy a favour. (teleports with the badge)
Scene 11: Ridiculous pun
Random citizen: Ho hum, checking the holonet. Oh, I've got mail!
Holonet: You've got Maul!
Random citizen: What? What is this, I don't even-
Darth Maul: (bursts from his computer) BAM! (standing over the unconscious citizen) Nobody bothers to check the banners!
Scene 12: Yet more videogame references
Player: Alright, so you beat me in versus mode. (goes to main menu) Now to play Darth Maul's story mode!
Darth Maul: (reappearing) Uh, wait, what the heck just happened?
Scene 13: Ridiculous throwback to the EU
Darth Maul: The reactor found me somewhat indigestible!
Obi-Wan: Wait, that doesn't make any sense.
Darth Maul: It doesn't have to, I have a double bladed lightsaber! (lifts it) Welcome to THE GUN SHOW!
Scene 14: Tie-in!
Darth Maul: (holds up the latest EU tie-ins and manuals) It's all right here in these ten books, on pages 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.
Ahsoka: This is so meta, like it's some sort of ridiculous parody topic on the holonet!
Do you think we'll see an "icy" version of Battle of the Heroes? I mean, a frozen river that crumbles and shoots ice bits everywhere as two guys, with lightsabers, fight?
Also, I don't think we'll ever see Ahsoka die. Not on screen anyway.
Also, though rather rude and immature, and we'll never see this, would be to see a clone like Rex give Palpatine the finger when asked to execute Order 66.
Or at least a
Another funny, more appropriate, thing would be having Ahsoka alone next to the clone transmitter and all the clones gone somewhere else, perhaps trapped in a cave and Ahsoka was about to radio for help, as she can't do it alone, and then comes Palpatine saying "Commander _____, execute Order 66!" and Ahsoka would say "What? Why do you want me to execute Order 66 Chancellor? What is Order 66? I was about to call and say that my squad, including Commander ______ whom you're wanting to execute this Order 66, is trapped in a cave and that I need help to get them out. Hey, what happened to your face Chancellor?"
Also, who started this rumor flying around about Maul coming back? I see nothing about it on Wookiepedia.
Actually, another thing, funny, but we'll never see it, would be to see Darth Maul go shopping. (Get it, Darth Mall? Ha ha ha!)
Damn... I've done it again!
... excuse me while I run from Gry's almighty BANHAMMER!
Gry's banhammer? Usually they ban me, not you guys. Why are you running?
Hmmmmm....why is that guy shooting himself in the head?
Well, last time I referred you to a thread, Gry almost exploded.
On top of that, this is the second time I've soiled... no, defiled... no, rambunctiously disturbed koonfan's precious baby.
It's been years. My baby's gone through a time skip and is a battle hardened veteran. If you can call what we do 'battle hardened'.
(sees Humble's forum corpse) By the semi-canonical powers bestowed upon me as the founder of a popular comedy thread, I beseech thee! ARISE! (lightning crackles) ARIIIIIIIIIIIISE! (Humble returns to life and suddenly looks like he's got a TCW model) Oh, and uh... (casually writes into The Definitive LACWAC Compendium with a magic marker) Humble...survived...near death...experience. There.
TCW Humble: Huh, that's weird, I feel tingly-
TCW Maul: 'sup.
TCW Humble: ...NO! NO! NO, FORCE, PLEASE, NO!
Humble: NO! NO! .........NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Savage Opress: Sad Maul is sad. Fact.
Tabloid Reporter: Obi-Wan, Republic intelligence reports that the newly discovered Dark Jedi threat matches the Sith Lord you defeated on Naboo. How does it feel to have your achievements invalidated?
Obi-Wan: Well, Griffin, I'd like to think there's more to my life than 'that one moment' from over ten years ago. I've been an exceptionally resourceful diplomat and warrior, the order's preeminent Form III master, and I volunteer weekends to-
Tabloid Reporter: Just agree with us that your life is ruined.
Obi-Wan: You don't want to hear about my side?
Tabloid Reporter: What's 'Maiside'? Is it a new planet?
Padme: Chief Manchucho, it is good to see your area of the planet is rebuilding.
Manchucho: <Actually, that droid of yours was way more useful than I hear you've been this past year.>
Padme: Uh, Threepio?
Threepio: Oh, um...Chief Manchucho...respectfully compares our efforts to yours.
Padme: (obliviously slaps Threepio on the shoulder) See, you can be useful too!
Tree-being: So...what do you wanna do now that the peace is restored, guys?
Tree-being 2: Look, Bob, just settle down and absorb nutrients.
Tree-Bob: I dunno, seems like that'd get dull after awhile. How about we discuss the frequency of mynock droppings?
Tree-being 3: (suspiciously Jewish accent) Oy, the deal with this guy. Why back in my day, the kids didn't give you lip, is what they did.
Tree-being 4: Hold on, I thought Mynocks were silicon-based lifeforms. Do they even leave droppings?
Tree-being 2: This is too much...now there are two of them!
Pong Krell: Welcome to Umbara, troopers! Or should I say (flexes double double lightsabers) THE BLASTER SHOW?
Fives: Wait a second, 'Pong'? Isn't that some recreational system on the holonet?
Pong Krell: How DARE you? Pong is a name rich in culture and heritage where I come from!
Rex: (soothingly) We're very sorry. You have a very nice name.
Pong Krell: Damn right, I do!
Jesse: Why're we here again?
Kix: General Skywalker bet General Kenobi that the 501st could survive his command. Winner's troopers get more screentime in Season 5.
George Lucas: Alright, guys, it's been a few years since the show started. Totally love what we've been doing! So I was thinking, for the special edition, we'll replace all evil lightsaber wielders with Darth Maul. (awkward silence) You didn't actually think I was serious, did you?
Darth Vader: (holding his Best Villain award) Well, George-
GL: Please, I know how to have fun! Eesh. I blame Human Resources for sucking the fun out of the workplace.
General Grievous: WHAT?! YOU DISABLED ALL MY BATTLE DROIDS?!
Tarpals: Deysa not waterproofed!
Grievous: Bloody budget cuts...
koonfan is unstoppable
Been awhile since I posted here. Sorry about that, I'm using my personal PC more these days and I haven't gotten on LACWAC from there. Rest assured, I will never give up the fight.
Guest Speakers That Would Be Just Terrible
Ahsoka: Alright, younglings, today we have a special guest. He's a decorated war hero who has pushed into the Outer Rim! It's Master Krell!
Krell: Greetings, students.
Youngling: Master Krell? I've been wondering. This war is wrong and brutal. How do we, peacekeepers, deal with it?
Krell: An excellent question, youngling Duros-Aged-10-With-Pointy-Head.
Youngling: (touchy) Pointy?
Krell: ('humbly') Well, in my VAAAAAST experience as a celebrated veteran, I have discovered a crucial thing. The best way to avoid a moral dilemma in this war...is to have no morals whatsoever!
Gran: Our guest speaker today in Business School has made a killing in the outer rim through shrewd business tactics, and runs one of the biggest organisations since the Hutt cartels. Mister Ohnaka, if you would?
Hondo: (with Pilf in tow) Ahh, yes, thank you. (jerks head in direction of students) (Pilf scampers off-camera)
Gran: So, you're quite a name, having kidnapped two Jedi and a...I'm sorry, Sith Lord? Thought they were just a myth.
Hondo: Ohohoooo, no myth, my friend! No, Dooku? Too, too real! (gesturing) And with the glowy thing, vrrruuun vruun, slicing up my tanks...then he waved his hand, and KKKKRABOOM! LIGHTNING!
Gran: I...see. Any advice you can give us on how to be a success like you?
Hondo: Oh, well, my mother. Terrible caregiver, great advice giver. She taught me many things, bless her soul. All in my autobiography. Yeees, I remember well... (sees Pilf walking towards the exit with a sack full of credits) (Pilf signals to Hondo to get out of there) Buuuut I shall just say that you should not take your eyes off a Monkey Lizard. And with that, I have a pressing meeting, so goodbye! (under his breath) You lovably dense datapad pushers. (rushes out)
Gran: Well, that was...odd.
Student 1: Was that a metaphor he left us with?
Student 2: No, I think it was innuendo.
Student 1: You think everything is innuendo, Mak Farrlayne.
Duchess Satine: Students. I know by now you are bored hearing about corruption, but today, we have an important guest.
All students: (wearily) Former Prime Minister Almec.
Almec: (dragged in by guards) Look, we've done this FIFTY TIMES. Isn't that enough? (a guard prods him with an electrostaff)
Satine: Not until you appreciate the irony of the situation!
An actually good idea attributed to George Lucas.
lol @ koonfan
I actually heard Hondo's voice in my head when I read that. Good job!
Do not fear, koonfan still lives! He was attending a family function involving a wedding at the Prince of Wales Island. Not to worry, it wasn't his, so your source of dreamy Star Wars related humor remains unattached. (pause) Oh wait. Nobody really cares about that. Let's move on, shall we?
Ahsoka: Whoa. Deja Vu. I feel as if this whole situation has happened before.
Anakin: You probably read it off the holonet or something.
Palpatine: So, Lord Tyranus, how do you plan to abduct my new slaves?
Dooku: By offering them (with air quotes) 'sanctuary' on one of our privately controlled planets.
Palpatine: Ooo, that's good. Think I could use that one in the future?
Obi-Wan: (as he ascends to the slaver's headquarters) Now who's in charge of this-
Darts D'nar: (cuddling his Convore/owl monkey bird) Whoooooza widdle cuddles? YOU ARE! (feeds the bird while babbling baby talk)
Obi-Wan: Oh. Well. This is awkward.
Darts D'nar: (shocked) Oh. OH, I am SO sorry, it was his feeding time.
Obi-Wan: Not to worry, I had a Padawan like that once. Why don't I go down, come back up in a minute, and we can try this again?
Darts D'nar: Yes, that would be lovely, thank you.
-A minute later...-
Darts D'nar: Yeeez, Mr. Biggles. You are the best Mr. Biggles a-
Tactical Droid: Sir, the Jedi is approaching again.
Darts D'nar: (clears throat) Yes. (strokes his pet menacingly) Let us do business! (tickles the bird's beak for good measure) (Obi-Wan arrives again) Jedi filth!
Obi-Wan: Oh good, we're in character!
Obi-Wan: Then let us settle our differences in traditional Zygerrian fashion. (folds arms)
Darts D'nar: (sneers) Very well, Jedi scum. (throws a cage down, puts up his fists, and...gives a thumbs up) Extreme thumb wrestling it is! (odd silence) My people have the strangest customs, I know.
Obi-Wan: And what exactly did a small nerf and a bucket of Hutt oil have to do with your marriages again?
Darts: It's extremely symbolic. You wouldn't understand.
Obi-Wan: Surrender. We've disarmed all your bombs!
Darts D'nar: I still have one left! (activates the bomb on the droid's back)
Tactical droid: Sir, how could you! You told me it was an iHolopad!
Darts D'nar: Don't be foolish! I kept that for myself!
Obi-Wan: And why would he strap it to your back?
Droids: Zygerrians have extremely peculiar customs!
Fantastic as always, KoonFan! You're on a role with this Darts D'nal!
Ahahahahaha... priceless. I actually heard Obi-Wan's voice in my head.
At least some good is coming from this episode.
Anakin: You really are beautiful, Queen Miraj.
Miraj: Oh, stop it!
Anakin: And you know what else? *whispers*
Miraj: You wish you could... what??
Miraj: Gah! Get out of my throne room you sick, twisted skug!
Ahsoka: What in the galaxy did you say to her?
Anakin: I don't get it! All I said was that I hate sand and that I wish I could wish away my feelings...
It had to be done.
All right, time to have some fun with the new episode names!
?Episode 14: "Friends and Enemies" Ahsoka becomes addicted to the popular new MMO, Friends and Enemies.
?Episode 15: "Deception" Little does Ahsoka know that the game is a trap created by General Grievous to distract Coruscant so he can invade!
?Episode 16: "A Friend in Need" Barriss Offee spearheads an intervention for Ahsoka to kick her gaming habit and save Coruscant!
?Episode 17: "The Box" Rex and the 501st can't wait to see what's in the box that just came in the mail... But it's addressed to General Skywalker and they can't open it until he comes back! Can they stand the suspense??
?Episode 18: "Crisis on Naboo" Naboo is blockaded by... No, no, we did that... The Gungans are tricked by... Huh, did that too... The planet is poisoned by... Yeah, we've got nothing.
?Episode 19: "Massacre" Grimdarkness ensues when General Grievous orders a massacre of (insert planet here)!
?Episode 20: "Bounty" Boba Fett vows revenge against his new 12-year-old nemesis: Han Solo.
?Episode 21: "Brothers" Darth Maul and Savage Opress make up for lost brotherly quality time! Join them as they play smashball and learn the true meaning of family.
?Episode 22: "Revenge" Enraged fans storm Skywalker Ranch in response to Darth Maul's return!
?Episode 17: "The Box" Ahsoka wants to discover what Anakin hides in his secret box. (Clue: It´s nota photo of her in Christmas)
Time to pay homage to the Almighty One!
Of course, this begs for a new version of the Almighty Banhammer image.
So, for good measure (and Gry's pleasure) :
(EDIT: Damn, those lines would work really well in an image of Monkey Lizard using the tank cannon to blast Anakin)