Full Series The 'Stuff-We'll-Never-See' Thread

Fann Fisto I: That quote was taken out of context! You media vultures never give a guy a break!

 

A specially 'themed' episode...

Twas the night before Life Day, and all through the Core,
Slept younglings and children, forgetting the war.
Their dreams were instead filled with laughter and joy,
Unaware of the chaos that Dooku planned to deploy.

In a hiss and a whisper, he came like a shadow,
As wise as Ragnos, and as deadly as Sadow.
Into the temple he went, his lightsaber aglow,
With one man to stop him, a Kel Dor named Plo.

?Away with you Dooku,? Plo warned with a glare,
?Away with your beard, and your nasty nose hair.?
Dooku flinched for a second, discovered too soon,
But he fancied his chances against Master Plo Koon.

With a swish and a flurry, and a Makashi salute,
Dooku took off at once, with Plo in pursuit.
And so a chase did ensue, waking all from their beds,
Even those who were cursed with conical heads.

Soon Dooku was cornered, by Jedi surrounded,
When all of a sudden, the klaxons were sounded!
With a smash and a crash, the windows broke with a clatter,
And all the Jedi turned to see what was the matter.

The source of the noise; a servant most heinous,
Like a pillar of evil, towered the droid-general Grievous!
With a taunt and a hiss, Grievous lunged at Ki-Adi,
Who calmly saw fit to headbutt the baddie.

Grievous fell down, a coward defeated,
And Dooku decided that it was time he retreated.
Darting off in a dash, a chicken most truly,
He did not count on running into Master Unduli.

With a kick to the groin, she stopped his retreat,
And tied up with Grievous, he was thrown on the street.
And the Jedi called after them, in the gutter where they lay,
?Don't mess with us,? They said, ?On the eve of Life Day.?

 

Awesome, work, Kualan! Best Life Day poem ever!

Kuun Fan: He's just mad we caught him with that Twi'lek aide.

 

Yeah, I got that. No problem, it's just that it seemed the discussion was about to start derailing after that.

 

Let's see how many major LACWACers I can fit into episodes-we'll-never-see.

-Kuun Fan and Ku-Al-An are kidnapped by General Grievous in order to sap Republic morale
-Duro moderator Grywry Wrathsarth, along with a few Nautolans, the suspiciously named Ludo Kressh, and Marth Gaul (who apparently owes Kuun Fan a life debt of some sort ), help direct Plo Koon, Ki-Adi-Mundi, a lawful Jedi, a humble Jedi, and an arrogant Jedi to the rescue operation
-The whole affair is proclaimed as "The best. Day. EVER." by our intrepid reporters after their heroes come to their rescue
-Cad Bane discovers a mysterious artist known only as Meta Ray Mek has been posting illustrations of him that could only have been produced by stalking him without him noticing. He decides to make her a member of his posse.
-Meta Ray Mek agrees to join on the condition that Ziro the Hutt gets to tag along, which Bane reluctantly agrees to
-The Mandalorians conscript their numerous fans into their armed forces
-Any of this stuff actually making it into the final product...right?

EDIT: By my accounting, seems like that fits in about twelve users whose names are not closely related to existing characters in the show. Unless you count the Fistofans as one entity, in which case, it's ten. Not bad...not bad at all.

 

Sounds too much like "awful Jedi."

 

Kualan, that was awesome!

Hmmm, just as long as it wasn't a certain senator who tends to avoid Kel Dorian reporters that needed rescuing...and suspiciously named? Perhaps...

 

The price to pay for a distinct username.

I wholeheartedly concur about Kualan's poetry.
If it's any comfort to you, Kuun Fan and Ku-Al-An would probably be having an ordinary day at work without jumping into warzones if Grievous tries to get them.
I would have posted a link to your namesake, Ludo, but wikias seem to have a habit of crashing my browser.
And here's something a little different: Command styles!

Wolffe: General Plo has a simple code that the Wolfpack lives by. It's a simple command directive that sets our priorities on personnel and objectives.
Rex: And what's that?
Wolffe: Bros before Plo.

Plo: If you're still not convinced that your lives should be valued over mine, I shall offer proof that I am more than capable of defending myself...in haiku. (clears throat) 'I can fight in space. No other Jedi does this. I will break your face.'
Wolffe: (counting) Five, seven, five...yeah. That's a haiku, alright.
Sinker: (being a downer) Ahhhhh, that's not technically accurate...the Givin can survive in space too, can't they?
Boost: But the general gave us a reason in haiku! And it RHYMED! You've any idea how hard it is to find a haiku that rhymes?

Luminara Unduli: Well, commander, it took awhile, but we've finally finished a morale boosting design for those under our command!
Commander Gree: It is a beaut, general.
Warthog: (walking by) "Luminara's Luminaries"?
Gree: We were thinking 'alumni', but 'luminaries' works so much better.
Plo: Well, it IS something, Luminara...

Commander Bacara: General Mundi, we should push forward! COME ON!
Ki-Adi: Don't be ridiculous, that artillery's too heavy! Let's just hang back here and wait for them to run out of ammo.

Kit Fisto: (after a victory) Smile for the holo, boys!

Rex: Hey, Bly. Don't you have any good pin-ups in your unit?
Bly: Sorry, Rex, but those are against 327th Star Corps regs. Along with any other similarly questionable materials.
Rex: What? Why??? (Aayla walks by) (realising) Ohhhhhh.

Mace Windu: (referring to the video-game awards) If you carry a red lightsaber...I WILL cut you in half.

 

Just episode *titles* we'll never see:

Bride of Grievous
Ziro Tolerance
Ow, My Montrals
The Mirialan Suicides
Weekend at Dooku's
Eeth Koth: Dead Again
Aren't You Cold in That?
A Painstakingly Detailed Dissertation Reconciling the Various Conflicting Backstories of General Grievous, Parts 1 through 7
Gimer Stick Lost
Senate Rocked by Orn Free Taa "Not Really a Twi'Lek" Scandal
The Football Episode
The Karina Monologues
Meet the Kenobis
The Rock Band Episode
Padme Leaves It to the Professionals
The Pale Bald Force-Sensitive Lady Who Was Really Nice
The Amnesia Episode
Kit and Jar Jar: Up in Smoke
The Entire Jedi Council Turns to the Dark Side
Ventress Wardrobe Malfunction
Dr. Vindi's Dance Party
Butt Invaders

 

Those were great.


Sounds a lot like some of those episode lists published by SuperShadow.

 

Those were great, koonfan! Shh, Gry...don't give that guy any ideas. And I wouldn't be surprised if they use a few of those titles in the show.

Well, Ludo Kressh was a Sith Lord from the old Sith Empire and arch rival of Naga Sadow...and yeah, the Wook tends to freeze my browser from time to time too.

 

No matter how hard I try, I could never come up with fake episode titles as funny as Supershadow's are!

 

Some names I came up with:

General Grievous and the Quest for the Ricola
Kit Fisto Denture Scandal

And some lines we'll never see:

Yularen: We've reached Geonosis, General Skywalker.
Anakin: I can't beleive we're here a third time.
Obi-Wan: Well this time it WILL be the last time. Cody, have you finished filling all your men's rifles with bug spray?
Cody: Yes, although wouldn't this war be a whole lot simpler if we had used it the first time?

Coruscant News Reporter: We're here at the Jedi temple where Master Rancisis has been pronounced dead. After going into a coma they pulled the plug under the orders of Luminara Unduli, whom he entrusted with his life should he be in that situation. (Hands the microphone to Luminara)
Luminara: It was too late. I could feel him slipping away.

 

Yeah, I was going to choose a name like Koonfan or Fistofan, but I didn't want my username interpreted as an oddly racist sign of affection or an exclamation of my love for a very aggressive sex act.

 

This post was just SOOO wrong.

 

Aw, I hope I didn't hurt koonfan's feelings. If I did, allow me to redeem myself with a proper SWNST post!

In an effort to recreate the joy of the vintage Star Wars Kenner toyline, The Clone Wars action figures are released with the charmingly literal character names of the old Kenner toyline (ex: Squidface, Hammerhead, Yakface):

Knifebeard w/armor (Obi-Wan)
Knifebeard Sith w/removable cape aka Grampa Commander(Dooku)
Republic Commander (Admiral Yularen)
Coughbot aka Four Arms (General Grievous)
Bluebie Jedi (Aayla Secura)
HornHead (Eeth Koth)
Intestine Face (Plo Koon)
Dr Q-tip (Nuvo Vindi)
Monkey Leader (Tee Watt Ka)
Roller Monkey (Wag Too)
Lardface (Lok Durd)
Douchehair (Captain Argyus)
Cowboy Alien Bounty Hunter (Cad Bane)
Jailbait Padawan w/telescoping character shield (Ahsoka Tano)
Rastaman Green (Kit Fisto)
Rastaman Orange (Jar Jar Binks)
Korean Man (Nute Gunray)
Pruneface (Jocasta Nu)
Deathwish Jedi (Luminara)
Deathwish Padawan (Barriss
Republic Senator in Kidnap Gear (Padme)
Zuckuss (4-LOM)
4-LOM (Zuckuss)

 

Naw, I"m not offended LawJedi. Vaguely disturbed, but you get used to that. I smoke plot shields, remember?
And those were great action figure titles, too. They should totally go with it. I actually KNOW about 4-LOM and Zuckuss going through an identity crisis there.

Sparse showing this time around, as it's been a vaguely confusing morning for me. XD
-A Republic battle plan is ruined by one thing: Lack of sleep
-Those literal action figure titles make it in the show as 'faulty intelligence' on the Republic's part. Not since calling Master Yoda a Lannik has there been such a mess of knowledge!
-Cad Bane is introduced to 4-LOM and Zuckuss...one being called by the other's name
-Anakin confronts an ancient evil, not with the power of the Force, but with the power of...ROCK!
-Commander Wolffe upgrades his cybernetic eye to shoot OPTIC BLASTS. BEHOLD!
-Feeling a bit of empty nest syndrome, Plo Koon takes his mentoring the clones even further and attempts to make them his padawan learners
-Wolffe gets a cybernetic arm after a failed lightsaber lesson.
-Kuun Fan's usage of plot shields inadvertently causes an unexpected death when he ends up draining a character's guarantee to survive

 

Thank god someone gets the 4-LOM/Zuckuss thing. Knowing Filoni, it will be mentioned on the show.

 

Bacara: The enemy forces are in retreat!
Ki-Adi-Mundi: Good! We must push on!
Bacara: But General, the men are exhausted.
Ki-Adi-Mundi: Come on!
Bacara: If we could just have a few moments to catch our bre--
Ki-Adi-Mundi: Forward!

(Bariss Offee hangs over the edge of a cliff, as Luminara holds onto her arm, ready to pull her up)
Bariss: You know when you said that when the time came, you'd be ready to let go...you didn't mean that literally right?

In line with giving various background Jedi an individual accent, Saesee Tiin is introduced with a thick Scottish Highlands accent.

A younger Tarkin is able to subdue Dooku through a combination of ancient incantations and garlic.

An admiral in the Republic Navy is voiced by guest star Patrick Stewart:
Clone: Admiral! We have enemy ships closing in!
Admiral: Fire phasers!
Clone: Fire what, sir?
Admiral: Erm...I mean activate warp drive!
Clone: What's a warp drive?
Admiral: Er...well...what does this ship have? Teleportation bays? An away team to board the other ship? A tractor beam?
Clone: We do have a tractor beam sir.
Admiral: Activate tractor beam!
Clone: But that will just bring them closer to ---
Admiral: Make it so.

 

Could. Totally. Happen.

Love the Kenner action figures! For a slightly even more retro tweak, I'd change Deathwish Jedi and Deathwish Padawan to "Death Wish Jedi". Still laughing at those. Gotta throw a few more random "TM"'s in there. And then you'd also have like thirty figures all called "Clone Trooper" just for fun.

People don't know the sad tale of Zuckuss and 4-LOM? Hell, even Dengar got misidentified as Zuckuss from time to time. The secondary characters had a lot more identity crises in those days.

 

EDIT: Felt I should mention that I really laughed when I saw 'Monkey Leader', 'Roller Monkey', and 'Korean Man'.

Brilliant.

Just as Saesee Tiin gets turned Scottish, Even Piell is given a heavy Irish accent to complement his diminutive size...and a change of wardrobe to match.
Even Piell: Aye, the Separatists were after me lucky charms.

Mace Windu: General Tiin, cover our escape!
Saesee Tiin: Och! Th' shields! They cannae take th' strrrain!

Admiral Shatner: (complete with pauses!) All. Clones to their.....battle stations,we...shall, support general. Skywalker.
Clone: Uhhh, anybody know what that guy's saying?
Admiral Shatner: Prepare all...turbo...lasers. Shields at max...imum.
Clone: What's an 'imum'?
Clone: Dunno...just get ready to support Skywalk- (an elaborate Separatist cruiser exits hyperspace)
Admiral: (gasp) KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!! All cruisers, we...shall engage the enemyship, THEN...support Skywalker.
Spockdroid: Admiral, that is a completely illogical course of action-
Admiral: All hands to! (the clones look around in confusion as he pauses for half a minute) BATTLE STATIONS!
Bones the Clone: Dangit, Admiral, I'm a doctor, not a cruiser commander! And why am I even on this bridge?!

Plo Koon: I think it wise to report our position before we attack.
Wolffe: But this is an ambush. Doesn't reporting kinda defeat the whole-
Plo Koon: I didn't mean report to the enemy, commander.

Kit Fisto: I didn't forget to teach you restraint, did I, my old padawan?
Padawan: What're you talking about? You're not my master! And what ARE you doing here?

Luminara: HALT, ASSASSIN!
Asajj: Huh? Oh, right. (halts) Wait, that can't be- (gets captured)

Durge: (looking like the spaghetti monster) (laughs maliciously) You think you can stand up to my true form? You Jedi are a laugh!
Anakin: Oh, it shouldn't be a problem...you're standing right in front of a giant pasta maker.
Durge: Wait, what? (PUSH)

 

Ahahaha, I love how this thread is hitting its stride again XD

Mon Calamari is attacked by the Separatists, and its population panic under bombardment.
Calamari 1: It's an ambush!
Calamari 2: It's a trick!
Calamari 3: It's both a tactical and strategic military setback!

Adi Gallia: This conflict is worse than the Yinchorri Uprising. Or even the Stark Hyperspace Wars.
Padawan: ...er, just how old are you?

Medic: I'm afraid Master Depa Billaba has fallen into an irreversible coma. There is no way we can revive her.
Yoda: Mourn her, we shall.
Plo Koon: She was a great Jedi Master.
Ki-Adi-Mundi: She will continue to inspire us.
Mace Windu: I sense that she has found peace in her new --BOO! WAKE UP!
Yoda, Plo, Ki-Adi: ...
Mace Windu: ...I thought if...if I...you know...forget it.

Cody: General Kenobi, sir! We've received a dispatch hidden in a diplomatic packet from Utapau.
Obi-Wan: Who is it from, Commander?
Cody: We're not sure, sir, but apparently they're a Nigerian general with 15 million dollars to deposit into our bank account...

Padme Amidala: Mr Ambassador, with these fine chocolates you are spoiling us.
Ambassador: What choco--oh my god, you're eating my children!
Padme Amidala: ...*crunch*

Captain Typho: Halt right there!
Anakin: Excuse me? I haven't even reached you yet.
Captain Typho: Oh. Sorry. No depth perception.

 

Those were awesome, Kualan! I especially loved the Mon Cal one. XD

-Count Dooku uses the Cookie Monster as a poster boy for the Separatists: Join the Separatists and get a free cookie! It's the ultimate deal! (Yes, I am aware of the dark side cookie image XD)
-A number of worlds join in because of that cookie ad campaign
-Clone Commandos are given the assignment of taking out the Cookie Monster
-The Separatists reprogram their battle droids' vocal processors to sound deeper and menacing, but it simply drives the Jedi to take them out quicker. At least with the funny guys, you feel a little sorry for them. XD

-Jumping onto the Mon Calamari bandwagon...-
Mon Cal: It's a deception!
Mon Cal 2: It's a tactical maneuver using the element of surprise!
Mon Cal 3: Actually, I think that's a Marg Sabl. (gets odd looks) ...Well, it looks like one!

Quarren Separatist: Finally! After months of campaigning, the Quarren Isolation League has been successfully isolated! No more shall we be exposed to corrupting influences! (a few minutes later) I'm bored. Whose idea was it to isolate ourselves anyway?

Clone: What th- This is a restricted military frequency! Who is this?!
Girl Scout: Would you like to buy some Ginjo Fruit Cookies, mister?
Clone: That's it, I'm-
Jedi: Hold on a second, trooper. I think they're onto something here...

Senator: Well, hello there, little girl! What can I do for you?
Girl Scout: You can buy some of our delicious treats...and surrender your world to the Separatist alliance!
Senator: Huh? (Count Dooku grabs him and holds his saber to his throat) DOOKU! You womp rat! You knew that I would not be able to close my door to a confectionery selling girl!
Dooku: (laughs) All warfare is deception.

Clone: (referring to the Clone Wars line) You fought in the Stark Hyperspace Wars? ...man, that's a mouthful!

Ahsoka: But masters, this Super Mass Shadow Generator sounds like it could be the biggest weapon the seppies have ever come up with!
Anakin: Snips, everyone knows that there's no such thing as a Super Mass Shadow Generator.
Ahsoka: But clone intel says it's Dooku's personal scheme.
Obi-Wan: Oh, please. Dooku never has a personal scheme anymore. Now he just micromanages and smiles for the holo.

 

Everyone is shocked to find out that next Fridays episode actuall involved an exploding watch and had nothing to do with the EU Mandalorian organization.

Death Watch.
Death Watch.
Death Watch.
BOOM!

 

In an attempt to avoid derailing the episode discussion thread which has recently brought up the question of Mary Sues, I shall divert my discourse on Sue-ness here for your amusement.
I'll take a stab at trying to pinpoint the INTACT qualities, though...keep in mind that at some point, this will probably lose all objectivity.

-Mary Sues/Gary Stus are author inserts. Not all author inserts are Mary Sues, and not all Mary Sues are author inserts, but it's a pretty good indication that what you're reading is some type of elaborate wish fulfillment. Like a plucky Kel Dorian holonet reporter named Kuun Fan.

-They possess power levels and skills (whatever is relevant to the story) which are unrealistic and, more often than not, come far too easily for characters in their position, as opposed to the powerful villain you're meant to lose to or the powerful mentor who doesn't get involved. Any 'struggles' or 'prices to pay' are superficial unless they serve to boost their already ludicrous levels of virtue and/or awesomeness in the future.

-They do, indeed, use up a bunch of cliches or tropes which the writer thinks are good ideas at the time. Father's a bad guy, tragic backstory, a demon is living in them, they're half-something, mysterious prophecies, talking weapons, the works...Japan and anime have also simply given them more ammunition to use. XD

-Whatever the setting, Mary Sue will invariably steal the spotlight, to earn the adoration or the unjust persecution of the cast, relegating everyone to eventually say 'isn't that character swell?' or 'boo, hiss, we are obviously jealous and resentful of this character, hate us!' (with the exception of NO attention, which is either noble Zen meditation or angsty introspection). Yes, eventually. It's only a matter of time. XD

-If the author doesn't outright say that they deserve to have the world handed to them on a silver platter, then they're implying it with how much time they spend whining about their life. Y'know...either you feel sorry for them and wish they could get their heart's desires, or you wish they'd get their heart's desires just so that they'd shut up.

-Mary Sue is often one or more of the above rolled together into a nice package that is at once a stomach turning experience, a cautionary tale on literary methods, and an entity for its detractors to point at and laugh.

And a couple of odd observations:
-Whatever their OBJECTIVE qualities, sometimes Mary Sue only gets that label when you're aware of her status...or in the case of character hate, when you start coming up with reasons to hate some snot nosed little punk.
-Like it or not, admit it or deny it, Mary Sue is actually one of the earliest stages of our evolving sense of creativity. From the moment we can comprehend concepts of what shows and games consider 'good', our minds will sometimes instinctively create something to fit in. That creature that was made to fit in snowballs, getting skills, power ups, and revelations galore as we exponentially strive to make it even more epic.
Better starfigthers, new Chosen Ones, better prophecies that lead to better Chosen Ones, etc.

Not exactly on-topic, but I hope that's entertaining. XD
On that note, I highly doubt we will see: A Parody Sue that makes fun of the whole Sue concept...that glorious, overpowered, gorgeous, exotic Jedi who not only outfights Master Yoda but is moments away from solving the mystery of the Sith.