The SW Anti-Guru

Discussion in 'Classic Trilogy' started by DarthGelatinous, Jun 13, 2001.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. DarthGelatinous Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 15, 2001
    star 2
    Was chewie ever a space chess child prodigy? Did his father push him too hard?
    Chewie breezed through the amateur space chess ranks with ease but was stopped in his tracks by Deep Blue. Chewie still claims that the computer cheated, the truth is that it didn't have any arms to pull off.
    Chewie's biological father was kind and would never have mercilessly pushed the Wookie. Unfortunately, Chewie was adopted by Emilio Capriati.

    Did han ever question his sexuality?
    Han never questioned his sexuality. He was 100% tri-sexual...he'd try anything. a travelin' man like Solo can't afford to be choosy. That's why Threepio never powered down when he was alone with Han.

    Is it true that R2 was originally scripted to speak nothing but an endless stream of profanity?
    Well, sort of. You see, Kenny Baker is afflicted with a terrible case of tuerrets(sp?) syndrome. A blooper section is planned for the OT DVD. One outtake has Harrison Ford commenting that R2 "sounds like a merchant marine on speed stuck in a tin can". GL edited it all out to keep the G rating.

  2. DarthGelatinous Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 15, 2001
    star 2
    I just read all of these posts. Whoever wrote this is one funny mutha.
  3. Ham_Salad Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 1, 2001
    Greetings Exalted One, I'm glad to see you back.

    How did Yoda maintain his sanity being all alone on Dagobah?
  4. jp-30 Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Dec 14, 2000
    star 9
    Dear Darth Gelatinous,

    I would like to know, if you have the time, in ANH when Luke & Leia are about to swing across the chasm in the Death Star, why they, or the stormtroopers for that matter, didn't lie on the floor and shoot at the other's feet as the door was lifting up.

    Shooting people's feet might not kill them, but it makes running away / chasing intruders somewhat more of an ordeal.



  5. DarthGelatinous Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 15, 2001
    star 2
    "How did Yoda maintain his sanity being all alone on Dagobah?"

    Yoda was able to keep himself quite busy. Here is a to do list Luke found while rifling through Yoda's belongings after he disappeared...

    TO DO:
    Mahjong with swamp creatures
    mail love letter to Jodie Foster
    submit fantasy football lineup
    pick up a carton of cigs (menthol)
    turn on the crockpot
    manicure with Antoine
    call broker
  6. DarthGelatinous Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 15, 2001
    star 2
    "I would like to know, if you have the time, in ANH when Luke & Leia are about to swing across the chasm in the Death Star, why they, or the stormtroopers for that matter, didn't lie on the floor and shoot at the other's feet as the door was lifting up."

    Ah, a question that has been pondered for the past 24 years. The answer is so simple. Stormtroopers, like many elite fighting forces, are a randy bunch. You learn early on in the Academy not to bend over in front of your comrades.

  7. DarthGelatinous Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 15, 2001
    star 2
    This is probably a good time to reiterate that although this thread resides in an OT forum its raison d'etre is pure, unadulterated silliness. To that end, I must insist that any references to EU must be fully cited in order for me to avoid any redundancies. References to your personal action figure play, dreams, non-sensical ravings of a lunatic mind, hallucinations, or SW scenes acted out with Lego figures do not need to be referenced given their ontological legitimacy. But I'm putting my foot down concerning the EU citation rule. Thank you.
  8. jp-30 Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Dec 14, 2000
    star 9
    Thank you for answering my last query.

    Now for my new one.

    Part 1. A Stormtrooper finds an o-ring or washer by an escape pod on Tatooine. It is inconceivable that the o-ring came from the escape pod itself, or perhaps an o-ring tradesman was in the pod, and dropped a sample of his wares in the sand? Why didn't the trooper just use the 3 distinctive R2 tracks to base his droid theory on? If his o-ring theory was "proof of droid", how did said trooper deduce there were actually droids, plural?

    Part 2. Given the o-ring was from R2-D2 or C-3PO, what was its purpose? Did its loss effect the droid in any adverse way? Or do droids periodically drop o-rings so they can find their way "back" from whence they came in a Hansel and Gretal like fashion?


  9. Chiss_Monkey Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Oct 18, 2001
    A couple of questions

    First... why does the fat X-Wing pilot get called Porkins? Is that his real name or just a nickname from the academy?

    Second... is C-3PO gay?
  10. DarthGelatinous Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 15, 2001
    star 2
    Ah, the Great O Ring Question finally appears on this thread. The question that the Mighty Flanneled One feared most. Here's the answer...that Stormtrooper was able to deduce that two droids had come that way by reading the following cleverly encrypted message that was engraved on the ring:"If found please return to C-3PO, human/cyborg relations and unwitten member of the rebel alliance. I travel with an astromech droid named R2-D2. Thank you."
    As for its function, the O ring is designed as an coupling for solid fuel rocket boosters. They fall off all the time.
  11. DarthGelatinous Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 15, 2001
    star 2
    "First... why does the fat X-Wing pilot get called Porkins? Is that his real name or just a nickname from the academy?"

    Porkins is not fat, let me make that perfectly clear. He looks big because his helmet, uniform and X-Wing are all 4 sizes too small. The budget was tight in '77. He did get his nickname at the Academey but their strict 'don't ask/don't tell' policy prevents me from elaborating. Not that's there's anything wrong with that.

    "Second... is C-3PO gay?"
    Threepio denies it still but let's look at the facts...
    1. He owns the following videos: Fried Green Tomatoes, Steele Magnolias, Yentl, Where the Girls Aren't
    2. He ran a Bed & Breakfast with Artoo during the late 80's
    3. Sued Charles Nelson Reilly in 1991 for custody of their pet poodle, Mr. Puddles.
    4. Played Rum Tum Tigger with the touring company of Cats from '92-'95
    The evidence is clear, not that there's anything wrong with that.
  12. Grand_Moff_Lebowski Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 21, 2001
    star 1
    ok... so why are only British people allowed in the Imperial navy?
  13. Grand_Moff_Lebowski Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 21, 2001
    star 1
    ok... so why are only British people allowed in the Imperial navy?
  14. DarthGelatinous Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 15, 2001
    star 2
    "ok... so why are only British people allowed in the Imperial navy? "

    Three Reasons:
    1. It is a well documented fact that the Empire contracted out its food service responsiblities. Like any other gov't contract this one went to the lowest bidder, in this case it was awarded to the Galactic Appetite Group, LLC. The English were the only ones able to choke down that swill 3 times a day. Most of them didn't know any better.

    2. GL was afraid that he might run low on Stormtrooper armored uniforms. His plan was use naked Brits if he ran out of the stark white suits. They would blend right in.

    3. If television and movies have taught us anything, if you want to be evil you better have an English accent.

  15. DarthLefty Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 3, 2001
    star 2
    Oh wise one, a question for you:

    Is there truth to the rumor that if/when Lucas releases an "Ultimate Edition" he will again change the victory song at the end of ROTJ to a dance number to the tune "It's Raining Men"? If so, is he going to add falling parts of Stormtroopers and other officers aboard the Death Star?
  16. DarthGelatinous Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 15, 2001
    star 2
    I too have heard this rumor but I am sure that it is not true. Why? It is a well known fact in the industry that GL has had an irrational fear of disco ever since he woke up between David Bowie and Mick Jagger in the basement of Club 54 in 1978.
  17. DarthSapient Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Jun 26, 2001
    star 10
    Do you think the creature in the trash compactor makes for good eatin'?
  18. DarthLefty Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 3, 2001
    star 2
    Three Questions:

    How many Sand People does it take to screw in a lightbulb, oh wise one?

    How does one go about obtaining such a plethora of STAR WARS knowledge as you?

    And finally, would you ever consider taking on a Padawan? You must pass on your infinite wisdom.
  19. DARTHROTH Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 23, 2001
    star 1
    Is jabba the hut really marlon brando?
  20. DarthSapient Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Jun 26, 2001
    star 10
    DarthLefty, to whom were you referring?

    Considering that a Gamorrean Guard so closely resembles a pig, can it be reasoned that if prepared properly they taste just like bacon? I would imagine that a single Gamorrean Guard might prove a sufficient meal for Jabba.
  21. DarthGelatinous Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 15, 2001
    star 2
    "Do you think the creature in the trash compactor makes for good eatin'?"

    Eating trash compactor creatures is tricky business. You gotta make sure you cut out that mud vein and soak the carcass in milk for at least 12 hours. I like mine baked @ 350 for an hour per pound. Slice it on a bias, serve with sauerkraut and mashed potatoes.
  22. DarthGelatinous Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 15, 2001
    star 2
    "How many Sand People does it take to screw in a lightbulb, oh wise one?"
    No one can say, Sandpeople travel in straight lines to conceal their numbers.(thanks for the set up)

    "How does one go about obtaining such a plethora of STAR WARS knowledge as you?"
    I was Kenny Baker's pool guy.

    "And finally, would you ever consider taking on a Padawan? You must pass on your infinite wisdom."
    I would need a blood sample to check your midichlorian level. I would also need a urine sample, its a little hobby of mine.
  23. DarthGelatinous Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 15, 2001
    star 2
    "Is jabba the hut really marlon brando? "

    He was going to be but GL couldn't get Robert DeNiro to play the young Jabba in the PT so he went with the big puppet thing instead.
  24. Grand_Moff_Lebowski Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 21, 2001
    star 1
    Why aren't Han and Leiah like 80 years old when they get to the Bespin system from Hoth? Isn't that a long way without hyperdrive?
  25. DarthGelatinous Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 15, 2001
    star 2
    "Why aren't Han and Leiah like 80 years old when they get to the Bespin system from Hoth? Isn't that a long way without hyperdrive? "

    It would be unless you have the Monorail. Its quiet, low maintenance, minimal environmental impact and it can get you from the Magic Kingdom to Epcot in 7 minutes. What was I talking about?
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.