Discussion in 'The Phantom Menace' started by AdamBertocci, Jul 20, 2002.
very ncie! Good to see Natalie "won" worst actress and not best actress
I'd like to be a presenter.I was in the movie!Really!I was!I was in the crowd watching the podrace.........
Great stuff Adam! Qui-Gon as best character and Natalie as worst actress - I'm not complaining about the results at all.
adam i got the vote totals and i am finishing script. it should be ready by tonite or tomorrow. i have plans tomorrow nite. so i may post tonite or during the day tomorrow. or if u want thurs sometime.
ADAM: Hope you're all having a good time tonight. Here to present some acting awards is Charlie Sheen.
(APPLAUSE. CHARLIE SHEEN takes the stage.)
CHARLIE SHEEN: I'm famous for my wild times of big parties, loose women and free-flowing alcohol. But now I'm settling down to a reserved and quiet life of making good money off "Spin City" and hangin' out with uber-babe Denise Richards. In conclusion, I love my life. Do I have anything to say about acting? Not neccesarily. But, as we know, there's more to acting than just the craft. So here are the nominees for Best Actor, and I'm gonna tell you a story or two about them. Heh, heh, heh. The nominees are...
CHARLIE SHEEN: Now, everyone knows that this guy's a bit of a Hollywood bad boy. "The Phantom Menace" was one of his first movies where he didn't get naked, he goes around sayin' bad stuff about the flicks sometimes, he's obscene, he flipped the bird at paparazzi cameras. My kind of guy. Once we were at a party and he got all drunk and started singing his Moulin Rouge songs to these random girls. I think one of them might have been a man. Heh, heh.
CHARLIE SHEEN: I've actually never been at a real party with him, for whatever reason. But one day he and I went cruising just 'cause he was in the neighborhood. I'm never driving with this clown again. He was all hopped up on ludes and God knows what all, just tearing down the highway at eighty, ninety miles per hour. Then we watched Schindler's List at his place and made it into a drinking game. One sip when someone says "war", two sips when you get a reference to the list itself, finish your whole drink when something's in color, things like that. Then we went to a strip club, he mumbled something about being mindful of the living Force, got into a fight with some guy and passed out. I think I still owe him for the gas.
CHARLIE SHEEN: Yeah, I know what you're thinking, surely a proper English gentleman like Ian would never do anything bad, et cetera, et cetera. Well, if that was the case, then I wouldn't be standing here in public asking Ian to pick up the pants he left at my house, would I? Oh, also, when this guy's drunk he likes to tell people he's Ian McKellen. Go figure. 'Course, he also thinks I'm Martin Sheen. Even when he's sober. Except this one time he thought I was Emilio Estevez, and that just insulted me, so I kicked him in the groin.
(ADAM comes onstage.)
ADAM: What was the point of all this?
CHARLIE SHEEN: Have YOU ever been romantically linked with women like mine?
ADAM: Not that I know of.
CHARLIE SHEEN: Then shut your mouth and watch me work the crowd, you might learn something. Anyway, the winner is...
(Vote totals: Liam - 20. Ian - 10. Ewan - 5.)
(APPLAUSE. LIAM NEESON takes the stage.)
LIAM NEESON: I would like to thank George for letting me be in the film, my family for supporting me and whoever made the decision to let me wear a wig and not actually have my hair like Qui-Gon's.
CHARLIE SHEEN: Hey, Liam. Wanna play the "Schindler's List" drinking game tonight?
LIAM NEESON: Only if we start off with "Navy Seals".
CHARLIE SHEEN: You're on!
(LIAM NEESON exits.)
CHARLIE SHEEN: Anyway, the next award is Worst Actor. Like stupid Emilio and those Mighty Ducks, what's up with that? Well, the nominees are...
CHARLIE SHEEN: "The shield generator's been hit!" Gotta love that face he makes. Man, "Captain Obvious" just isn't too popular with the fans. He's a pretty cool guy, though, but he never pays for anything he breaks. Last time I ever let him party at my place. He'd throw crap around and shout "The ceiling fan's been hit!" "The mirror's been hit!" Geez.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
CHARLIE SHEEN: Whoever voted for him is getting their butt kicked tonight. I know how Sam gets.
CHARLIE SHEEN: P
I want more!! "Captain Obvious" indeed! Burn him!!
Wow. I was a reference in a Charlie Sheen speech. I feel so honored.
BEST SCENE: Duel of the fates
WORST SCENE: the farting
BEST SHOT: PadmÃ© and company go between floors on her throne room
WORST SHOT: No bad shots
BEST CHARACTER: Qui Gon Jinn
WORST CHARACTER: Sebulba
BEST ACTOR: Liam Neeson
WORST ACTOR: Silas Carson
BEST ACTRESS: Natalie Portman
WORST ACTRESS: No bad actresses
BEST LINE: Fear is the path to the darkside....
WORST LINE: Gunray's lines could have been better.
BEST SOUND EFFECT: Lightsaber duels
WORST SOUND EFFECT: Podrace
BEST COSTUME: Queen Amidala's red attack wear.
WORST COSTUME: Gunray's.
BEST SET / LOCATION: Naboo
WORST SET / LOCATION: All great
BEST EQUIPMENT: Qui Gon's lightsaber.
BEST SPECIAL EFFECT: Jar Jar and Watto.
WORST SPECIAL EFFECT: None I remember
BEST MUSICAL MOMENT: the duel of the fates.
BEST NEW CONCEPT/IDEA: Qui Gon Jinn.
BEST JAR JAR MOMENT: The Naboo battle.
Mmm... Liam Neeson...
Er, I mean, very nice Adam, and I'm looking forward to the rest.
adam i may post later. if that's okay
And now the award for Worst Character
Adam: Yodaminch I hope this awards ceremony is going okay.
I?m so nervous. Why did Jedi_Lite choose me?
Yodaminch: You were the best choice for a replacement.
Adam: But what if something goes wrong.
Yodaminch: Nothing has gone wrong so far
Adam: but what if?
Yodaminch: Quiet!!! Its time for the show
Yodaminch: Members of the Jedi Council Forums,
A tragedy has occurred that started with the sudden leave of Jedi-Lite
and has ended in the oppression of the TMP award show.
To present the award for worst character, I present millionaire
C. Montgomery Burns and Chancellor Palpatine.
Burns: A hoy hoy Forum members.
Palpatine: It is my esteemed pleasure to help present the award for best character.
And now the nominees:
Jar Jar Binks
Yodaminch: ugh I can?t believe he is still alive!
Burns: Another idiotic gungan!
Yodaminch: she was only in one shot and
still is able to be nominated for worst character.
Burns: I hate little children especially that one and:
Papatine: we are watching his carreer with great interest.
Burns: I enjoy Anakin much better as Darth Vader.
Palpatine:who is that old prune?
Burns: an exgirlfriend of Yoda?s?
Yodaminch: actually she sold some fruit to anakin
Palpatine: notice how he wasn?t in episode 2. I took care of him
Burns: That stupid two headed announcer.
I can?t believe Jedi-Lite used them as announcers
Palpatine: thank the force that stupid q tip head jedi is dead
Burns: that stupid alien died in the podrace. Good ridence I say
Palpatine:She just as skinny and boney as you Burns
Yodaminch: that?s uncalled for!
Burns: This party?s over no it?s your career that?s over!
Yodaminch: I enjoyed Mr.Jackson?s performance!
Palpatine: never manipulate Neimodians. They are too stupid to understand.
look at the award they presented.
Burns: You?re old and you have a beard that?s it .you don?t do a thing except state the obvious.
ADAM: Thank you, yodaminch. But Seek is the "let's go play balf" kid, not the Rodian -- that's Wald.
ADAM: So we're in a forum where people will bite your heads off for less! Ah, forget it. Please welcome Boba Fett and Lieutenant Sheckil to present the next awards.
ANNOUNCER: For those who don't know, Lieutentant Sheckil in "The Empire Strikes Back" was played by Jeremy Bulloch, the same actor who played Boba Fett.
[image=http://www.yagduhlstation.com/autographs/sheckil.jpg] (<--- Sheckil)
(BOBA and SHECKIL take the stage.)
BOBA: How are you today, Lieutenant?
SHECKIL: Not too bad, Boba. But I have a question for you. You're a clone, right? What's a clone?
BOBA: It's when two people are exactly the same.
SHECKIL: Like you and me, at least if you were to take off your mask in "Empire".
BOBA: Sort of.
SHECKIL: What else can you tell us about clones?
BOBA: They attack, they look really pissed off when they eat and they say "Fiyah!"
SHECKIL: Are there any clones in "The Phantom Menace"?
BOBA: Good question! Well, in the shot when the Gungans celebrate having knocked all the battle droids over, two Gungans are clones--they're doing the exact same thing. They're toward the center of the screen, they look toward the camera, they wave their arms.
SHECKIL: That's funny! Any other clones?
BOBA: Well, some people think that Palpatine and Sidious are clones. Some people even think that Anakin is a clone. Actually, come to think of it, there's a weird theory for every character in that @#?!ing movie except Depa Billaba and that one guy with the funny helmet.
SHECKIL: Yeah, remember when everyone thought you were Kitster?
BOBA: Ha ha, yeah, that was stupid. But the awards are so wizard! Now let's finish the awaaaards, of coooourse!
SHECKIL: No, wait! I want to learn more about clones in "The Phantom Menace"!
BOBA: Well, you're about to. Because our next two TPM award winners might be clones! They're the same part of the movie and they're both so hated that they got nearly every vote in their category!
SHECKIL: Golly jeepers!
BOBA: The first award is Worst Shot.
SHECKIL: I thought that "Worst Shot" referred to your clone friends the stormtroopers.
BOBA: The worst shot in "The Phantom Menace", by a landslide, is...
THE EOPIE FART!
(Vote totals: Fart - 12. Jar Jar diving into the swamp - 5. Artoo's head issues during Podrace - 2. Everything else - 1 or nothing.)
BOBA: And we're about to clone that award and give it out again. Because the completely dominating winner of Worst Sound Effect is...
THAT VERY SAME EOPIE FART!
(Vote totals: Fart - 16. Battle droid voices - 3. Everything else - 1 or nothing.)
SHECKIL: Wow, I guess people didn't like that eopie fart, did they?
BOBA: That's right.
SHECKIL: What do we do now?
BOBA: Ummm. I don't know.
SHECKIL: Care for a song?
BOBA: What the heck, okay. Orchestra!
(BOBA and SHECKIL sing "I've Got You Babe". The curtain falls. APPLAUSE.)
Rick McCallum loves you!
adam on this seek kid i had no idea who it was so i looked at tfn's characters
where listed here seek was mistaken for greedo. so seek is the red headed boy in a dress. thanks for clearing that up.
Don't talk to me, talk to the fanboys.
Anyway... one more award-post out of me tonight, I think.
Rick McCallum loves you!
adam not to bug u but where did u see that seek wha the redhed boy in a dress. cause according to the only one who voted him he's just lets go play ball kid. i m just curious as to where this seek is mentioned.
'Cause Anakin's annoying friends are credited as Seek, Amee and Melee, and only Seek is played by a male actor. Also, the script gives the line to a character named Seek. (It does not, however, spell ball "balf". Hee hee hee.)
Rick McCallum loves you!
ADAM: Please give a warm and Sithly welcome to your presenter -- Darth Maul!
(Wild APPLAUSE. MAUL takes the stage.)
MAUL: Greetings. It is my distinct honor to give awards to things that were in the same movie I was. Let's face it, I was so beyond cool that it wasn't funny. I'm still not sure why I didn't get Best Character. Backlash, I guess. Well, let's get to the awards. The nominees for Best Costume are...
OBI-WAN'S JEDI ROBES
MAUL: Jedi. Kill. Kill.
AMIDALA'S THRONE ROOM DRESS
MAUL: Queen. Naboo. Kill!
AMIDALA'S PARADE DRESS
MAUL: I don't know what she's celebrating for, I'm dead.
DARTH MAUL'S SITH ROBES
MAUL: Now, this is a costume. Simple and elegant. Flowing and beautiful. Dark. It shows I've got soul. The winner, of course, is...
DARTH MAUL'S SITH ROBES
(Vote totals: Maul - 13. Parade dress - 6. Obi-Wan's - 4. Throne room dress -4. Everything else - 2 or less.)
MAUL: Excellent. Thank you, thank you. Moving on. The nominees for Best Equipment are:
MAUL: I particularly like the double-bladed version.
MAUL: Pit droids are from Tatooine, a planet I spend time on in "The Phantom Menace". Anyway, the winner is...
LIGHTSABERS, with special award of distinction to DARTH MAUL'S!
(Vote totals - Lightsabers - 23, with 10 of those votes being Maul-specific. Pit droid - 2. Everything else - 1 or nothing.)
MAUL: Thank you for this lovely award of distinction. I will frame it on my wall. I will also claim the lightsabers one. And since I killed Qui-Gon with that very same lightsaber, I should get his Best Character award. And what's this one here for "Best Jar Jar Moment"? I'll take that too.
ADAM: Okay, Lord Maul. You've had your fun. We've appreciated you. Now get off the stage. We have more awards to do.
MAUL: That's not about me! YOU get off the stage! Now, the award for Best Sith--
ADAM: We're not doing a Best Sith award!
MAUL: Well, then I win by default. Moving on to Best Makeup--
ADAM: We're not doing THAT, either!
MAUL: Man, this thread sucks.
MAUL: Fine, fine, I'm going.
ADAM: And stop posting your image!
MAUL: Oh, you're no fun.
Rick McCallum loves you!
Wow, I should have stopped here earlier.
J_L, you're alive! To quote a certain someone people want to kill, "Yipeeeeeee!"
Great show Adam and yodaminch.
I'm kinda miffed that Qui Gon won best character. Palpy should have won!
What does the coolest dictator have to do to win an award?
But I'm glad the eopie fart won 2 awards.
Most. Deserving. Ever.
This thread is preciousssssssss...
Good show so far!
ADAM: A little something new this time. The next award will be presented entirely in rap by a lame poser white rapper kid.
(The LAME POSER WHITE RAPPER KID, a fresh-faced boy of fourteen, takes the stage and raps
Whuzzup, homies, hope everything's fine,
We're here tonight to present Best Line.
We just partyin' and chillin', dog,
We're gonna reward the best bit of dialogue.
Care to have a look at the funky nominees?
The award winner's gonna be one of these.
Anakin Skywalker, meet Obi-Wan Kenobi,
Says my droid-bustin' Force-usin' mullet-wearin' homey.
Wipe them out, all of them, says Darth Sidious
Makin' a plan so cruel and insidious.
We are brave, Your Highness is PadmÃ©'s first spee-otch
You know I wanna mack it with that hella fly bee-otch.
And Yoda's chillin' out and keepin' it real
With his Fear-anger-hate leads to suffering deal.
ADAM: Well, that sucked.
LAME POSER WHITE RAPPER KID: I'm telling my Mommy.
ADAM: Just present the award.
LAME POSER WHITE RAPPER KID: The winner is...
WIPE THEM OUT... ALL OF THEM.
LAME POSER WHITE RAPPER KID: Noooooooooo!
ADAM: You've seen Trailer B too many times.
(Vote totals - Wipe 'em out - 8. Fear leads to, etc. - 5. Everything else - 2 or less.)
ANNOUNCER: Accepting the award on the line's behalf will be its speaker, Darth Sidious.
(SENATOR PALPATINE takes the stage.)
SENATOR PALPATINE: I, Darth Sidious, am proud to accept this award-- (looks down at clothing) -- Oh, crap. (runs away)
LAME POSER WHITE RAPPER KID: Should I present the next award now?
ADAM: No, no. I'm doing this one myself, because I have a personal grudge against these lines. I'm a budding screenwriter myself, and I hope I never turn out lines like these...
WHAT ARE MIDICHLORIANS?
ADAM: Okay, this isn't a bad line, per se. But the way he says it is funny. I actually never noticed it until the awards voters pointed it out. Thanks, guys, now you've ruined the whole scene for me.
... BIGGEST PROBLEM IN THE UNIVERSE...
ADAM: Great, tell us something that requires backstory on Shmi when we only met her five minutes ago. I'm willing to bet that there used to be a scene where Shmi told Anakin that she thought the biggest problem in the universe was that no one helped each other, but then they got rid of it and forgot to take this chunk out too. Doesn't it sound like he's referencing a nonexistent earlier part of the movie? Ah well. Maybe the EU will clear it up.
LET'S GO PLAY BALL (balf?)
ADAM: Actually, I don't mind this line at allf.
(Drums and cymbals: ba-dump, tcccch!)
I'M A PERSON AND MY NAME IS ANAKIN!
ADAM: In truth, I like this line. And at least they resisted the obvious joke, to have Jar Jar say "And mesa Gungan culled Jar Jar Binks!"
ADAM: I think enough has been said about this line.
OH! I DON'T CARE WHAT UNIVERSE YOU'RE FROM, THAT'S GOTTA HURT!
ADAM: How many universes are there? And in the other universes, is Malastare mentioned every ten minutes?
LAME POSER WHITE RAPPER KID: You've got some anger issues to work out, dude.
ADAM: Shut up and go listen to your albums. The winner is...
I'M A PERSON AND MY NAME IS ANAKIN!
(Vote totals - I'm a person - 5. That's gotta hurt - 3. Yippee - 3. Everything else - 2 or less. )
ANNOUNCER: Here to accept the award on the line's behalf is its speaker, James Earl Jones.
JAMES EARL JONES: I think there's been some mistake. I didn't say this line. I don't play this character in this movie.
ADAM: Well, Jake Lloyd wasn't allowed to come to the show because he didn't clean his room, so we had to get you.
JAMES EARL JONES: My family will be wondering where I am.
ADAM: Just take the award, will you?
JAMES EARL JONES: Only if you switch to Verizon.
ADAM: Consider it done. But then could you say a line for me?
JAMES EARL JONES: Fine, fine. Which one do you want?
JAMES EARL JONES: That was... Al Pacino in "Scent of a Woma
HAH! Well done Adam...these wardas are going at a very good pace. i esp. enjoyed Burns and Palpy!
Burns, Yoda and Palps where great!! Lol!!
MR. BURNS: You like me! You really like me!
yodaminch: Adam! Put my characters down! I'm glad everyone enjoyed them, but it was my idea to use them in the show, not yours!
ADAM: I guess you're right.
yodaminch: Play with Jay and Silent Bob if you want. They're always good for a chuckle with you.
ADAM (with a sigh): New award post coming this afternoon... I think I'll do two more posts today and save the rest for tomorrow. We'll see.
Rick McCallum loves you!
ADAM: Before we present the next awards, a message from our sponsor.
SPONSOR: My tummy hurts.
SPONSOR: You heard me.
ADAM: Okay... anyway, let's get on with some awards. Here to present for Best Shot and Worst Equipment is Bob Dole!
(APPLAUSE. BOB DOLE enters.)
BOB DOLE: Thank you. Thank you. Bob Dole's very proud to be here tonight. Bob Dole enjoyed "The Phantom Menace" very much. It was a film that was "friendly to families", not "a nightmare of depravity drenched in violence and sex." Traditional American values, that's what Bob Dole's about. Speaking of value, a Visa card can really--
ADAM: Mr. Dole, the awards?
BOB DOLE: Okay, the awards. First, Best Shot. Now, Bob Dole ran for President, and Bob Dole gave it his best shot. So Bob Dole knows what it takes to have a best shot. He also knows the difference between a shot and a scene. That's right, Bob Dole understands film. That's why he knows that "The Phantom Menace" is not a nightmare of depravity drenched in violence and sex.
ADAM: Where do we FIND these people?
BOB DOLE: You find Bob Dole in Russell, Kansas, a good old-fashioned American hometown--
ADAM: Get on with it, please.
BOB DOLE: All right. The nominees are...
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF THEED
BOB DOLE: Theed is old, has salt in surprising places and may be entirely computer-generated. Peope have said the same thing about Bob Dole. Ha!
NABOO FIGHTER GETTING SHOT DOWN AND CRASHING ON PLAINS
BOB DOLE: Bob Dole sure knows what it's like to crash and burn.
ESTABLING SHOT OF OTOH GUNGA
BOB DOLE: What's watery, has lots of bubbles and is filled with annoying people speaking gibberish? Democrats in a hot tub. Heh, heh, heh.
HANGAR DOORS OPEN TO REVEAL DARTH MAUL
BOB DOLE: Opening doors for the American people, that's what Bob Dole is interested in.
VARIOUS OTHER MAUL-IN-THEED-HANGAR SHOTS
BOB DOLE: You know, there's nothing like a cold Pepsi to--
ADAM: Stick to the awards!
BOB DOLE: Okay, fine, fine. The winner is...
HANGAR DOORS OPEN TO REVEAL DARTH MAUL!
(Vote totals - Darth Maul appears - 8. Darth Maul throws off hood - 4. Everything else - 2 or less.)
(APPLAUSE. RAY PARK takes the stage, holds up the award and grins.)
RAY PARK: Thank you! Thank you! I'd like to thank everyone who made this shot possible.
ADAM: I'm glad you're excited, Mr. Park, but how come you're taking the award?
RAY PARK: Well, the shot itself can't accept, and I read that if this shot wins, I should come up and take it.
ADAM: Read carefully. The letter doesn't say "Ray Park". It says "Ray Parker, Jr."
RAY PARK: Oh.
(RAY PARKER, JR. takes the stage.)
RAY PARKER, JR. (singing): If there's somethin' strange in your neighborhood, who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters! If there's doors opening to reveal a Sith, what's it gonna win? Best shot!
ADAM: Hey, this is my thread and if I want to give the guy who did the Ghostbusters theme some time, then I will.
BOB DOLE: Bob Dole doesn't like this kind of music. It encourages kids to rebel.
(RAY PARK and RAY PARKER, JR. head offstage bickering.)
BOB DOLE: The next award is Worst Equipment. Now, Bob Dole understands what it's like to have bad equipment. That's why Bob Dole asked his doctor about Viagra. The nominees are...
BOB DOLE: They help you get up. Now, about Viagra--
GUNGAN ENERGY BALLS
BOB DOLE: Jedi_Suzuran said, "I had David and Goliath running through my head, something which I didn't need at that moment." Speaking of things you don't need in your head at the moment, who'd like to see slides of Bob Dole's vacation at the beach? I bought new swimming trunks just for the occasion--
ADAM (sharply): No!
BOB DOLE: A lot of people pointed out that it was too easy to tell that it was made from a woman's shaver. Bob Dole concurs, but doesn't recommend that brand. Bob Dole's legs