The TPM Awards - Voting is Over - Enjoy the Show!

Discussion in 'The Phantom Menace' started by AdamBertocci, Jul 20, 2002.

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  1. Yodaminch Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 6, 2002
    star 6
    just so you know. in that pic of palpy with lightening i was trying to find that animated one but had no luck :(

    and i suggested to jl that burns and palpy host one in ep2 awards. but alas he left. so i jumped at chance to use them.
  2. itisme Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    May 25, 2002
    woohooo! nothing i vote for seems to win but i'm having a good time anyway. :)
  3. Obischick Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 25, 2001
    star 4
    LOL!! This is great Adam!!


  4. Jedi_Suzuran Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 22, 2002
    star 5
    Adam, you quoted me, you really quoted me!
    I'm honored.
    And I loved the Lame White Rapper Poser Kid. [face_laugh]
    LMAO at that one.
    BTW, what's left for awards?
  5. AdamBertocci Manager

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2002
    star 7
    ADAM: Here's your awards. Yep. First, we're doing Best Sound Effect, and to start us off, we're going to have Michael Winslow perform some of the sound effects in "The Phantom Menace".
    ANNOUNCER: Michael Winslow is arguably the world's best sound effects imitator. You may remember him from the "Police Academy" series or as the radar technician in "Spaceballs".
    MICHAEL WINSLOW: Vsssssht! Twang! Rrrrrrrrrr! Beep! Gkk-gkk-gkk-gkk. Nrrrrxt! Whzzzzzz! Shweoeoew!
    (Fervent APPLAUSE.)
    ADAM: This award was completely dominated by...


    ADAM: ... which received 21 votes. Lightsabers received a paltry 7, droidekas got 2, nothing else got more than one. Also, a lot of people specifically noted that they liked Sebulba's podracer, so, yeah, good for it.
    MICHAEL WINSLOW (exiting, imitating Sebulba): Eh, heh, heh, heh.
    ADAM: For a closer race, please welcome your presenter, Sio Bibble, and his lovable hand puppet pal, Mr. Wibbles!
    (Confused APPLAUSE. SIO BIBBLE takes the stage. On his right hand is a funny-looking hand puppet, MR. WIBBLES, who has an impressive beard.)
    [image=] [image=]
    SIO BIBBLE: We're going to have a lot of fun tonight, Mr. Wibbles. Do you know why we're here?
    MR. WIBBLES: To have our beards waxed, shined and sharpened?
    SIO BIBBLE: No, we're here to present the award for Worst Costume.
    MR. WIBBLES: Like the time you dressed as Santa Claus for Halloween. Your beard was so pointy that it made you look frightening, not jolly. I told you you should have dressed as Satan.
    SIO BIBBLE: You're the one who wanted to be a Christmas elf.
    MR. WIBBLES: Uh, hee hee! Anyway, the nominees are...


    SIO BIBBLE: See, with a costume like that, you need a pointy beard to complement the colors. But Anakin was too young for a beard. Isn't that right, Mr. Wibbles?
    MR. WIBBLES: It sure is, Governor!


    MR. WIBBLES: With the funny rubber jumpsuits and those ridiculous hats, it's no wonder that we don't have enough volunteers for the Naboo army.
    SIO BIBBLE: Well, we had to cut funding to the military to free up cash to ensure proper beard maintenance.
    MR. WIBBLES: That's silly. Hee-hee-hee!
    SIO BIBBLE: Would you like to present the award, Mr. Wibbles?
    MR. WIBBLES: I sure would! The winner is...

    (Vote totals - Naboo - 8. Anakin's - 4. Everything else - 2 or less.)

    SIO BIBBLE: We'll leave the award in a Naboo hat for someone to find. Now, it's late. We gotta head home if we're going to wake up early to go to the beardsmith's tomorrow.
    MR. WIBBLES: All right! Bye-bye kids!

    (They exit. Long pause.)

    ADAM: What the hell was THAT?!?!?!

    Rick McCallum loves you!
  6. AdamBertocci Manager

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2002
    star 7
    Oh, and Jedi_Suzuran (and anyone else who cares) --

    The remaining awards are:

    Best Set / Location
    Worst Set / Location
    Best Musical Moment
    Best New Concept / Idea
    Best Scene
    Worst Scene
    Best Jar Jar Moment

    Barring computer failure, these will all be presented by tomorrow night. (Because there's no way I'm wasting my precious awards on a Friday night when the boards are deserted.)

    Afterwards... well... I dunno.

    Rick McCallum loves you!
  7. Jedi_Lite Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 2, 2002
    star 4
    *cries a lot*

    This is a good thing.
  8. AdamBertocci Manager

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2002
    star 7
    ADAM: To express the raw emotional quality and aesthetic beauty of the locations of "The Phantom Menace", I have for you Gustav from Denmark, who will present the award for Best Set / Location through interpretive dance.
    GUSTAV (thrusting one foot forward): Episode I! Many places!
    (dances around in a circle)
    GUSTAV: Naboo, land of grass and trees! Happy dancing!
    (does several back flips, HOOTING like an owl as he does so)
    GUSTAV: Coruscant, a great city! Symbol of man's rise to power!
    (curls self into a ball, then slowly stretches up)
    GUSTAV: Tatooine, desert sand planet! The heat burns my eyes, the wind scorches my soul!
    (waves fingers in front of mouth, blowing through them)
    GUSTAV: And at each location...
    (jumps all over the stage, flapping arms like a bird)
    GUSTAV: ... are more locations and more locations! Infinite universe of locations! Houses, apartments, stores, telephone booths, sausage factories! Worlds within worlds like an onion of paradise!
    (He stops in the center of the stage and thrusts his arms high.)
    GUSTAV: Passion!
    (The lights dim.)
    ADAM: What the--?!?!?!
    GUSTAV: Hey, at least I didn't make a dirty joke about Natalie Portman's "best set".
    ADAM: Get out! Get out of my thread! Sorry, folks. Look, the winner is...

    (Vote totals: Theed power - 7. Palpy's apartment - 5. Theed, Palace, Coruscant - 4 each. Everything else - 3 or less.)

    ANNOUNCER: Here to accept the award on behalf of the Theed power complex is its caretaker, Rusty McGee.
    RUSTY: Wow. This is an awfully nice award.
    ADAM: Hey, Rusty, maybe you can tell us something we've all been wondering. Those red laser walls that Obi-Wan keeps getting stuck behind? What are they there for? What do they do?
    RUSTY: Aw, gee, that's a trade secret. I'd get in real trouble with the union if I told.
    ADAM: You can tell me. I won't tell anyone.
    RUSTY: Well, okay. (whispers in ADAM's ear)
    ADAM: Wow! That makes perfect sense! And it also explains why Owen and the droids don't recognize each other, and why Obi-Wan never mentions Qui-Gon, and--
    RUSTY: Ssh-ssh! Remember, it's our little secret.
    ADAM: Okay.
    RUSTY: Can I present the next award?
    ADAM: Okay.
    RUSTY: Really?
    ADAM: Sure. But I warn you, it might not be much fun. Bit anticlimactic.
    RUSTY: How come?
    ADAM: Because the race for Worst Location ended in a tie. The winners are...
    RUSTY: No, wait, let me do it!


    (Vote totals: Otoh Gunga and Naboo battle plains - 6 each. Anakin's hovel - 4. Gungan sacred place - 3. Everything else - 2 or less.)

    ANNOUNCER: Here to accept these awards through interpretive dance is Gustav from Denmark.
    ADAM: Cut to commercial! Now!


    COMMERCIAL VOICE-OVER: Yes, this collection of authentic Canadian nose hairs can be yours for only $39.95.

    Rick McCallum loves you!
  9. Obischick Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 25, 2001
    star 4
    Gustav from Denmark!!! AHHHH!!! [face_shocked] Run from his interpretive dancing!! :p

    Excellent!! And Mr. Wibbles!! :p :D :D

    MORE! I demand it!

  10. AdamBertocci Manager

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2002
    star 7
    ADAM: We're about to give out the award for Best Musical Moment, but before we do, I thought it would be appropriate if we could have a performance from the man, the master composer himself, John Williams, conducting our orchestra.
    (APPLAUSE. JOHN WILLIAMS waves politely.)
    ADAM: Unfortunately for legal reasons he can't play any Star Wars music. So instead, we will hear an orchestral rendition of Men Without Hats' "The Safety Dance".
    (The MUSIC begins.)
    CHORUS: Kor-ah, rah-tah-mak, kor-ah, rah-tah-mah... we can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind, 'cause your friends don't dance, and if they don't dance, well, they're no friends of mine.
    ADAM: This award was a bit of a mess to figure out because people seemed to have different ideas of a "moment". Perhaps I should have been more specific. Anyway, taking the winner is...

    (Vote totals - Duel - 22, with 10 of those votes specifically geared toward Maul's entrance. Qui-Gon's funeral - 4. Anakin leaves home - 4. Everything else - 1 or nothing.)

    ADAM: Good job Johnny. Here's your award. (throws the trophy down to JOHN WILLIAMS) Now for an award I was very much looking forward to present. "The Phantom Menace" showed us a whole new side of the galaxy we thought we knew inside and out. It showed us that the Lucasfilm bag of tricks was actually a million times bigger than we ever dreamed. We celebrate George Lucas' phenomenal imagination with Best New Concept/Idea. (pauses) So to celebrate newness, I'm bringing out the characters I've used a billion times in various awards threads. Please welcome Jay and Silent Bob.
    (APPLAUSE. JAY and SILENT BOB take the stage.)
    JAY: Whuzzup, baby? Yyyyeah! I love being at these awards! So yeah, this is for new stuff in that Episode I movie! I like seeing new stuff, but, you know, man, I wouldn't mind if they used the slave bikini again. That Natalie Portman is fiiiiiine.
    SILENT BOB: Here are the nominees.


    SILENT BOB: For possibly the first time in Star Wars history, we see more than one female human on the screen at a time.
    JAY: Maybe we can get a little girl-on-girl stuff goin' on? I dig that.


    JAY: Hey, you know what, Silent Bob, you tubby ****? I bet I could dice your *** with one of those things and nobody'd even know it... snoogans.


    SILENT BOB: Finding out exactly how the Jedi operated and worked with the government cast a new light on the knights who fight for right.
    JAY: What?
    SILENT BOB: And the winner is...

    (Vote totals - Double-bladed saber - 11. Jedi Council - 7. Handmaidens - 4. Everything else - 2 or less.)

    SILENT BOB: The great irony here is that double-bladed lightsabers were actually not new to the Star Wars universe in "The Phantom Menace". Followers of the Expanded Universe will know that Exar Kun used one.
    JAY: What? Hey, shut up, you! You're not supposed to talk!
    ADAM: Okay. Well, thanks for coming, guys.
    JAY: Don't we get to stick around for the next award?
    ADAM: In the words of Jar Jar Binks, "No, not really, no."
    JAY: Man, **** these awards. We gotta get back to the Quick Stop, that's where the fun's at. What do you think, lunchbox?
    (SILENT BOB says nothing.)

    Rick McCallum loves you!
  11. Yodaminch Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 6, 2002
    star 6
    This award show is excellent! Smithers! Bring me some brandy!
    Yes sir Mr.Burns!
  12. ElfStar Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Mar 24, 2001
    star 4
    Great stuff!

    I think it'd be really great if Christopher Lee would present an award... except dressed as Saruman! That could be fun...

  13. AgentCoop Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Feb 16, 2002
    star 4
    This is one of the funniest threads ever. When you run out of awards you have to post new categories to vote on...the awards show must not end!!!!! [face_laugh]
  14. AdamBertocci Manager

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2002
    star 7
    ADAM: Only three more awards remain! Here to present the anxiously awaited awards for Best and Worst Scene is that lovable droid duo, C-3PO and R2-D2.
    (Fervent APPLAUSE. THREEPIO and ARTOO take the stage.)
    THREEPIO: It is a great honor to be with you all tonight.
    ARTOO: Beep-whirr-click.
    THREEPIO: Artoo, have you been sampling the punch in the green room again?
    ARTOO: Whzzzz-click-beep-beep-whistle.
    THREEPIO: Artoo-Detoo! We have to present some very important awards tonight and you're as tipsy as a lord!
    ARTOO: Beeeeeeeeboop.
    THREEPIO: That is entirely different! I did that purely for medicinal purposes! I--oh, Artoo, watch out, you have a swirling-psychedelic-colored monkey trying to chew your face off!
    ADAM: Have Jay and Silent Bob been dealing backstage? I gotta fix this.
    (He heads out. THREEPIO turns to the camera.)

    THREEPIO: The nominees for Best Scene are...


    THREEPIO: An essential element of science fiction is world-building. The Senate scenes of "The Phantom Menace" the us inside the previously unseen corridors of power in the galaxy while at the same time building drama and visually astounding us.


    THREEPIO: Lightsabers clash and emotions soar in this action-packed climax that puts all prior swordplay to shame. As grand_admiral_ewok so eloquently puts it, "here we finally see what it means to be a Jedi."


    ARTOO: Beep-whirr-click-buzz. Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep. Whistle! Beep.

    THREEPIO: And the winner is...

    (Vote totals: Duel - 23, with 5 of those being specifically geared toward the Obi-Maul duel. Senate - 3. Anakin leaves home - 2. Everything else - 1 or nothing.)

    ANNOUNCER: Here to accept the award on behalf of the duel is stunt coordinator Nick Gilliard.
    (APPLAUSE. NICK does a back flip out of his seat, cartwheels down the aisle, blows something up and lets the explosion propel him onto the stage, then kicks THREEPIO over.)
    NICK: Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed the scene and I hope that the duel in Episode III will be just as much fun.
    (He walks offstage on his hands.)
    THREEPIO: Oh, my aching head. Artoo, you'll have to continue without me.
    ARTOO: Beep-beep-beep.
    ANNOUNCER: For the remainder of the presentation, the words of Artoo-Detoo will be translated by Tiffany Sanders, local high school junior, aspiring homecoming queen and employee of the bagel shop across the street.
    (Polite APPLAUSE. TIFFANY enters, giggling.)
    TIFFANY: Hee-hee! Wow! Gee, it's, like, supercool to be here with you all!
    ARTOO: Beep-beep-beep-beep.
    TIFFANY: Um, like, Artoo says that the votes in the Worst Scene category were so spread-out that, like, there's no clear way to define nominees.
    ARTOO: Beh-da-beeeep-beep.
    TIFFANY: Hee-hee-hee! Anyway, the winner is...


    (Vote totals: Anakin meets Padme - 4. Anakin's friends make fun of him - 3. Everything else - 2 or less.)

    TIFFANY: Oooh, I gotta get back to work or the boss is gonna be maaaaaaad. But these awards have been sooooo cool! Bye bye everyone!
    ARTOO: Beeep-boo-beep.
    THREEPIO (from the floor): No, I do not believe that you could have had her, even if you tried.
    ADAM: Stay tuned for the next and final award!

    Rick McCallum loves you!
  15. Jedi_Suzuran Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 22, 2002
    star 5
    Great job Adam.

    But what the *&*&^%$## was up with Gustav?
    Please, please, please, PLEASE never invite him again!
    His interpretative dances nearly killed me.

    Aw, this awards is nearly over.
    Maybe you should hold one for the EU. [face_laugh]

    Okay, don't kill me everyone. :)
  16. Yodaminch Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 6, 2002
    star 6
    Smithers wheres my brandy!
    i'm sorry sir he drank it all
  17. Yodaminch Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 6, 2002
    star 6
    Smithers get me that brandy!

    Homer:Uptown girl...
    Yodaminch: Adam I need to talk to you. Jay and Silentbob are selling drugs again!
    Adam: Im working on it.
    Yodaminch: Look at Homer!
    Flanders: Hidily ho Homer wahh! Must call the reverend.
    Helen: Oh won't someone please think of the children!
    Yodaminch: He's working on it
  18. AdamBertocci Manager

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2002
    star 7
    There is one award left. I shall post it tonight. But I wanna build the suspense first.

    If people want more awards... well... I'm not sure I can pull this gig off much longer. But how's this? After the final post, in addition to whatever praise and declarations of love you have for me ;), please answer the following survey:

    (1) Would you like to see more awards?
    (2) For what? (e.g. more TPM, Classic Trilogy, ANH, EU, etc. etc. No more AOTC, please, we've beaten it to death.)
    (3) Would you be interested in presenting?

    Think about that for a bit. But for now, stay tuned for the final TPM award of the show... Best Jar Jar Moment.

    Rick McCallum loves you!
  19. AdamBertocci Manager

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2002
    star 7
    (ADAM strolls out, with MALAYLAVESPIN on his arm.)
    ADAM: This is our final award of the show. I hope you've all had fun.
    AUDIENCE MEMBER: Get off the stage, you idiot!
    MALAYLAVESPIN: I thought you said they didn't shout at you and mock you any more.
    ADAM: Must not cry in front of her... must not cry in front of her... Ummmm, on with the award. Now, I kind of like Jar Jar. Not all of his stuff, mind you. But the little guy really makes me laugh sometimes. And I wanted some kind of way to find out, "What do other people like about Jar Jar?" Hence this award.
    (Long silence.)
    ADAM: Anyway, here to present the award for Best Jar Jar Moment is the one and only George Lucas.
    (Wild APPLAUSE. GEORGE LUCAS takes the stage; everyone else clears off.)
    GEORGE LUCAS: Thank you. Thank you all. It is a great honor to celebrate my film with you. Of course, why you ungrateful people are here on the Internet and not going to see "Clones" one more time is quite beyond me.
    (Long pause. GEORGE LUCAS glares at the audience.)
    GEORGE LUCAS: Anyhoo, I wrote a little song about our pal Jar Jar... I believe it goes a little something like this.
    (STRUMS on a guitar and sings:)

    Jar Jar
    From a galaxy far far
    Jar Jar
    He's... um...

    GEORGE LUCAS: Okay, I'm blanking out here. Help me out.
    ADAM (trotting onstage): Maybe we could get a musical act to do a song for you?
    GEORGE LUCAS: Good idea! How about my favorite, N*SYNC?
    ADAM: I was thinking more along of The Smiths, with "Bigmouth Strikes Again".
    GEORGE LUCAS: Sure, what the hell.
    (THE SMITHS come in and play and sing:)

    Sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking when I said I'd like to smash every tooth in your head
    Sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking when I said by rights you should be bludgeoned in your bed...

    GEORGE LUCAS: Do you really think this is a good Jar Jar song?
    ADAM: You ever spent time with the nut jobs on these boards?
    GEORGE LUCAS: Of course. I registered under the name chewycharmy.
    ADAM: Really?
    GEORGE LUCAS: Of course. And Rick's count_spooku.
    ADAM: Holy crap!

    Bigmouth, la-da-da, daaaah
    Bigmouth strikes again
    ... take my place with the human race
    And now I know how Joan of Arc felt...

    ADAM: Okay, Smiths. You can stop now.
    THE SMITHS: Rightyo.
    (They exit.)
    GEORGE LUCAS: Anyway, the nominees are...


    GEORGE LUCAS: A truly electrifying moment.


    GEORGE LUCAS: This shot was based on Gary Kurtz's reaction to my plans for Ewoks.


    GEORGE LUCAS: We were actually going to have the eopie fart on him here, too, but Ben Burtt couldn't find the fart sound any more.
    ADAM: Why DID you have that stupid fart in the movie?
    GEORGE LUCAS: Spielberg dared me to. He said if I did it, he'd wear a pink chiffon dress to the premiere of Episode III.
    ADAM: Mr. Lucas... it's been a fascinating experience sharing this stage with you.
    GEORGE LUCAS: Well, thank you. But let's move the awards along, shall we? Otherwise I won't make the midnight showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show".
    (As he begins stripping down to fishnets and a corset:)
    GEORGE LUCAS: The winner is...

    (Vote totals - Conversation - 6. Energy binders - 4. Wacky reaction - 3. Everything else - 2 or less.)

    (JAR JAR rushes onstage.)
    JAR JAR: Wheeee! Mesa win award!
    ADAM: Um, Jar Jar, you were guaranteed to win this one.
    JAR JAR: Oh, yousa big killjoy. George! Yousa ready ta go to bombad Rocky Horror?
    GEORGE LUCAS: Did you bring the rice and toast and newspaper?
    JAR JAR: Yousa bet!
    (GEORGE LUCAS and JAR JAR walk off, arm in arm.)
    ADAM: Well, I guess that's it. It's been fun, guys, I really--
    (RICK McCALLUM rushes onstage wearing fishnets and high heels.)
    RICK McCALLUM: Did they l
  20. Obischick Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 25, 2001
    star 4
    Lol yodaminch!!! I looove the Simpsons!!


    (1) Would you like to see more awards?

    (2) For what? (e.g. more TPM, Classic Trilogy, ANH, EU, etc. etc. No more AOTC, please, we've beaten it to death.)

    ANH, ESB and ROTJ seperatley, then maybe together. More TPM is always fun!

    (3) Would you be interested in presenting?

    Naaa...I'm not really good at that sort of thing! :p

    MORE!! Best JJ moment! This ought to be great!!

  21. SW3TheHolidaySpecial Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Oct 19, 2001
    star 4
    GEORGE LUCAS: Of course. I registered under the name chewycharmy.


    Anyway I would like to see the same awards for the classic trilogy.I never did see the ones for AOTC,saw the thread but I couldnt find the results in it.

  22. Red-Talon Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Jul 12, 2002
    star 3
    Woooo! Good awards Adam, OT awards (all films together) would be great.
  23. Jedi_Suzuran Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 22, 2002
    star 5
    GL in fishnets and corset....
    Probably flannel.
    Thanks for that image Adam. :p

    Maybe one more, even if we do beat it to death.
    Presenting, nope. Not good, if I did, all I'd use is Simpson references. :p

    I still say you should try the EU.
    It would be interesting.

    Not that I'm a EU fanatic, you understand, but the responses would be interesting. :p
  24. Yodaminch Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 6, 2002
    star 6
    1) Would you like to see more awards?
    (2) For what? (e.g. more TPM, Classic Trilogy, ANH, EU, etc. etc. No more AOTC, please, we've beaten it to death.)
    eu would be great although i don't care
    (3) Would you be interested in presenting?
    yes burns and palpatine want to make fun of more nominees

    Burns:the awards are over Smithers take me home.
    Smithers: Sorry sir this was the only vechicle left.

    And I leave you with Homer on drugs
    Homer: Uptown girl she's been living in her whitedressed world
    O won't someone PLEASE think of the children
    Yodaminch:Shutup or Ill kill you. the awards are over.
  25. Obischick Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 25, 2001
    star 4
    Excellent! Can't wait for more!

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