The Twin of Evil (for all you Qui-Gon lovers) please respond to this thread.

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by Kirla'an Kenobi, Oct 12, 1999.

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  1. Kirla'an Kenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 12, 1999
    star 1
    ?Approaching Yavin8.? ?Approaching Yavin8.? A computerized voice announced through the gloom. Talis groaned and rolled over on her rumpled bed. Her hand fumbled around for a while inside the bunk before it found the switch.

    ?Click.?

    Light flooded the room with a suddenness that blinded her for a second. She had to blink several times before the spots stopped dancing in front of her eyes. Groaning, she wondered if it was really worth it to get up. A baby started crying. It was La?sar again. He always had trouble staying asleep in hyperspace. Oh well, since she was awake already anyway, she might as well go comfort him before he woke up Daalin.

    Getting up slowly, she stretched her tall form and grimaced as her bones creaked. She stood a head taller than most of the men she knew, but right now that just meant more kinks to work out. La?sar was not the only one that slept badly in hyperspace.

    ?I?m lucky Daalin doesn?t have that problem too, or between them both and myself, I would never get any sleep,? she thought, ?How can two twin boys who look so exactly alike have such different personalities?? She hurried over to the two, soft, bowl-shaped indentions that served as beds for the babies.

    Quietly she whispered, ?Ssshh, little one, its okay, mommy?s here. Everything is fine. Do you what to come to the cockpit with mommy?? Picking La?sar up, she quieted him while making her way to the front of the ship. La?sar normally enjoyed watching the stars as much as she did, but this time he just wouldn?t settle down. He seemed to be troubled about something and was making sure she knew it. Finally, he quieted a little and lay fitfully in her arms while sucking a lock of her long brown hair.

    As he lay there, she watched him play with her hair, studying his face.
    He was a strong baby, with leonine features and the beginnings of a sharp nose,
    ?He doesn?t look much like his father.? She thought.

    Father.

    Husband.

    Daxer.

    ?No.? She thought. ?I won?t get upset now, not when La?sar has just calmed down.? But she couldn?t stop the flow of memories that flooded into her head. Meeting him for the first time, under the bridge back home, on Corellia. How they had laughed when they ran into each other while chasing a sebor. Both of them flying back and landing in the mud. Memories of his smile that seemed to be brighter than the sun when it broke over his face. She remembered the wedding and the smiles of her family. The laughter and crying when she had the twins. Two tears trickled slowly down her face to drop on the blanket that she had wrapped La?sar in.

    ?You?re never going to see him again.? She chastised herself. ?You have to face that and move on.? But she couldn?t. She just couldn?t forget him.

    Daxer was a member of CorSec, or Corellian Security Force. He was an undercover agent and a hacker. One of the best. He had warned her when he proposed that his job was dangerous, and he could get killed or maybe place his family in danger. She had giggled and said she understood, which was true, but she couldn?t really believe that it was that dangerous. Her disbelief then was what made his death now so hard to accept.

    Three months ago the Jedi council informed CorSec that there was a rogue Jedi loose on Corellia. They said that he was a rejected padawan that had completed his training by himself after the council had gotten rid of him. He used the knowledge that he had gained for his own pleasure, not for the preservation of life. They wanted CorSec to use their best men to find this Jedi. And they wanted this matter to be kept quiet, because if the people knew that a rogue Jedi was on the loose, they would panic. Not to mention it would be bad publicity for the council. The first person they asked was Daxer. They said he was their best man and they could think of no one else more able to find this Jedi than him. He told them to wait a few days for his answer and he immediately went home to talk to Talis.

    He found her sitting in the nursery putting the babies
  2. Kirla'an Kenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 12, 1999
    star 1
    PLEASE respond to this. this is my first time writing Fiction of any kind.

    Lwyn'nya, Please read this and respond I need to know if this is any good, and I highly respect your opinion.
  3. Barbara Fett Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jun 23, 1999
    star 3
    Cool idea! Uh- is this pre-Classic Trilogy?
  4. Kirla'an Kenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 12, 1999
    star 1
    Barbara (sp?)Fett
    you bet this is before the trilogy!!!
    It's before the JA books too.
    (If you haven't read any of those yet then it's before TPM.)
    You just wait!!
    Surprises are in store for those who read.
  5. Nanai Akira Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 30, 1999
    star 1
    Nice start - I have always wanted to read a Qui-Gon Jinn origin story. Glad you are up to the challenge. Write some more!

    Just on a formatting note - it is easier to read if you separate your paragraphs. Like this!

    See, easier to read (also makes it look like a longer post - fools the readers into thinking you're a novelist )
  6. Wryin Shanraa Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Aug 25, 1999
    Whoa! What a beginning! You ARE going to post more, right? Come on, sis, do it for me. I told you you were good!
  7. Lwyn'nya Kenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 27, 1999
    star 1
    Kirla'an ~ Nice start! It'll be interesting to see a story just focusing on Qui-Gon, a story of the man behind the Jedi who made the realllllly cute Jedi.

    *rereads what she just wrote* man . . . behind the man . . .behind . . . ummm, you guys know what I'm talking about, right?

    No, I'm not crazy.

    Anyhow, its off to a great start! May I make a few suggestions?

    The ENTER key is your friend! Honestly, people can miss important stuff if its all put together in one paragraph. Sometimes it's actually harder to read that way. Putting seperate ideas into their own paragraphs not only helps the story to flow better, but also adds a bit of suspense if used correctly (well, so does writing up to a cliffhanger and not posting what happens next for a few days, but that's a Sith tactic)

    Be careful about starting too many sentences in a row with the same word or the same type of word. (ie, reading back I can count at least five sentences that begin with 'she', and when there's a break in that, it's followed by three sentences in a row that start with 'he') To help break from this, I learned a little tip from Yoda, believe it or not. Move the sentence around a bit. For example:

    "She got up slowly, stretching her tall form and then grimacing as her bones creaked."

    I'm just borrowing this one for an example. Instead of starting it that way, try this:

    "Stretching her tall form, she got up slowly, grimacing as her bones creaked."

    Now please don't think that I don't like your story and am trying to tear it up, really I'm not. I love where you're heading with it. You've got a good sense of drama going and that's a crucial thing. I'm just throwing out some ideas for just structure

    Can't wait to read more!!

    ~ Lwyn'nya Kenobi
  8. almost...there! Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 5, 1999
    Adding this one to my list...keep it up!!
  9. Lilith Demodae Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 1, 1999
    star 4
  10. Hiroko01 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 14, 1998
    star 3
    Leonine features... hmm... sounds like someone we know... ??

    Call me weird, but I've always been WAAAY more partial to Qui-Gon than Obi-Wan. Heck yeah, I'll keep reading.
  11. Kirla'an Kenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 12, 1999
    star 1
    Daxer contacted CorSec the next morning. A holographic figure of the commissioner appeared. He was of medium height and build, fit, but not muscular. Though he was in his mid-fifties, he was only balding slightly. The rest of his hair was iron gray. He wasn?t a handsome man but he kind of caught the eye. Something about him, a confidence or attitude, immediately identified him as a born leader. He emitted a sense of calm and assurance to those around him. The solid rock that anyone could lean on.

    ?The perfect guy to be in charge of an operation like CorSec.? thought Daxer.

    ?Ha?san,? he exclaimed warmly, ?Nice to see you! How?s it been??

    ?Fine, fine, I?m all right.? he replied amiably, ?You tell your wife about it yet??

    ?Yeah, she got and almost wouldn?t let me do it. You know how stubborn she can be.?

    ?Yeah I know, I got one just like her at home.? Ha?san said jokingly,

    Daxer turned serious at that comment. ?No, nobody?s like Talis.? Daxer looked down, preoccupied, before regaining his composure and continuing. ?Anyway, I just wanted to tell you, I?m in.?

    ?I thought you would be.? Said Ha?san happily. ?You always were one for a challenge.?

    ?I?d say this is about as challenging as you get.? Said Daxer wryly, ?I mean, well, a Jedi is pretty tough quarry.?

    ?Yeah, no kidding.? Ha?san said sincerely, ?So, when can you get over here??

    Daxer?s face turned sober. ?Look, Ha?san, I need you to do something for me.?

    ?Sure buddy, whatever you need.?

    ?Well, uh,? he stopped, not sure how to go on. Daxer was a proud man and hated to have to ask anyone for anything. Especially Ha?san. He decided to swallow his pride for now, besides, he needed this favor more than he needed his pride.

    ?I need a communication device. It has to be small enough for me to carry around and yet big enough for long distance. And it has to have a tight code on it ?cause I?m gonna use it frequently. Talis told me that only way she would even think about letting me do this, is if I contacted her every four hours while I?m on duty.?

    ?The communications device should be easy enough, I?ll get my people started on it right away, but every four hours? Don?t you think that?s a little much?? he said incredulously. ?I mean, what if your on a stakeout or something? Or what if you?re stalking your prey and have to be quiet?? He paused for a moment, ?I know she?s worried about you? he added understandingly, ?but I think she?s being over-protective.?

    ?Talis has had a bad feeling about this mission from the first, and to tell the truth, I do to,? Daxer said worriedly, ?But I don?t want her staying at home, not knowing if I?m okay or not. I agree with you that she is being unreasonable on the four hours, but it was the longest time I could get.?

    He had started looking for the Jedi the next day. Earlier, he had studied up on the history of that particular Jedi, and had a pretty good idea where to look.
    Daxer was gone almost every day, and sometimes for two or three in a row.
    A month later, he had made immense progress and was very close to his quarry.
    Just a few days ago, he had caught sight of the Jedi disappearing over the roof of a building.

    According to the Jedi council?s records, the Jedi was small and compact, barely 4?5 in
    height and extremely quick. His main strength in the force was telekinesis; a very useful ability for one who has to rely on stealth. His highest recorded leap was 15 meters, which meant that he would be hard to corner.

    Daxer thought about the problem; to corner him, He would have to get him inside a building, preferably one with few loose items. He was not in the mood for getting hit on the back of the head while facing off with the Jedi. Finally Ha?san called him with reports from a contact. He now had some inside information on the Jedi?s next move. It was time to act.

    The Jedi was going to plant a bomb in the main storage hangar of the south side spaceport on a small moon orbiting Daxer?s home planet. It was essential that he manage to catch the Jedi before the bomb was set.
  12. Kirla'an Kenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 12, 1999
    star 1
    Sorry about the spaces on the first one.
    I tried to fix it but I don't think I can edit an old posting.

    I'm glad Ya'll like this stuff!!!

    Lwyn'nya, I was reading some of your comments in "Masters taking a Padawan idea" And I understand what you mean about writers block!!! I'v got 4 books I want to write and the last part of the last one is my all tme favorite part!!! But I gotta struggle through 3 other books first and I'm not sure I can make it.

    Thanks for posting a reply!
  13. Lwyn'nya Kenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 27, 1999
    star 1
    Kirla'an ~ Editing an old post is easy Go up to the old post, there should be three little icons next to it. I believe it is the last on the right. Hold the mouse over it, and it'll tell you what its for. This is the editing option. It'll take you back into the posting screen, and here you can edit your post

    Glad some of my comments could help! I, too, am struggling with writer's block

    Are you still looking for a Master?

    ~ Lwyn'nya Kenobi
  14. Kirla'an Kenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 12, 1999
    star 1
    Hiroko01: Qui-gon's my favorite to!!!!!
    I just love the way he IS a Jedi Master,
    Liam just really got into the character.
    He's even rivaling Alec Guiness in acting.
    (ya know, the old Obi-wan)
    Thanks for posting!

  15. Wryin Shanraa Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Aug 25, 1999
    Yeah! Lovin' it!

    [This message has been edited by Wryin Shanraa (edited 10-14-1999).]
  16. Kirla'an Kenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 12, 1999
    star 1
    Hey everybody! I fixed my first post so it's easier to read. Thanks, Lwyn!
    Lwyn'nya: Look on the "Master taking a Padawan idea" thread for my reply to your acceptance.
  17. Kirla'an Kenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 12, 1999
    star 1
    I'm gonna try to post some everyday

    When Daxer left that first day, Talis just sat on the sofa brooding. Her thoughts were in turmoil. Not quite believing she had let him go. She knew he would be back soon, or she hoped so. But just knowing that he would be gone so often, and chasing such a dangerous adversary.... It was like a bad dream she couldn?t wake up from. Days passed, and the nightmarish world continued to get worse and worse. The times she saw Daxer were like oasis?s in a vast and bleak desert. The days weren?t so bad, majority of her time was spent either on her job, or watching the twins. It was the nights she dreaded. The long, lonely hours until dawn. She was beginning to look haggard, sleeping only two to three hours a night and then filling her days to the brim trying not to worry. She started welcoming the times when the babies cried at night, because that meant she could take her mind off Daxer, for a while, and concentrate on something else. When Daxer told her about the warehouse, she was both relieved and panicked.

    Soon. said one half of her mind, Soon all this worry and waiting will be over. Soon you will see Daxer again every day. No more lonely nights. No more crying yourself to sleep. Soon he will be home to take care of the twins with you! But the other half was saying, He?s going to confront the Jedi! He?s going to confront the Jedi! You can?t let him do this! He might not come back alive!

    She sat down on the couch while the thoughts tumble around in her head. One part of her wanted to leap around for joy and hug everything in sight. The other wanted her to throw herself down at his feet and beg him not to go. Finally she spoke.

    ?I don?t know what to say.?

    ?You don?t have to say anything.? he replied.

    ?Your sure you can do this safely??

    ?Yeah, I?m pretty sure I can pull this off.? he said happily, ?And if I can?t, well, Ha?san?s got a team that?s gonna be there to pull me out at any sign of trouble.? He looked at her compassionately, ?I?ll be okay Talis, but will you??

    She sighed, she wasn?t about to tell him her feelings about this, he had more than enough on his mind already without her adding her own private fears. ?I?ll live.? she stated simply. ?I just hope you will too.?

    The next day she remembered all too clearly. She sat on the couch when he left. An hour passed, then two. Daalin started crying, she didn?t budge. La?sar joined in. She didn?t move. The hours passed, the babies had stopped crying, the sun was setting, the clock chimed, she counted, 6, 7, 8.

    Silence.

    ?NOOOOOO!!!!!? She sprung for the couch screaming, ?Daxer, NOOO!!!? She fell on the floor, weeping, ?You can?t die! I won?t let you!!? She stopped, tears streaming down her face. She could hear the babies screaming in the back room but she couldn?t think of anything through the pain.


    [This message has been edited by Kirla'an Kenobi (edited 10-15-1999).]
  18. Wryin Shanraa Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Aug 25, 1999
  19. Sie'a Kandra Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Oct 15, 1999
    This is definitely the best story I have ever read by Kirla'an.

    [This message has been edited by Sie'a Kandra (edited 10-16-1999).]
  20. Sie'a Kandra Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Oct 15, 1999
    I like all of these SW reality stories, but I wish some one would write a altrenate reality one.

    [This message has been edited by Sie'a Kandra (edited 10-16-1999).]
  21. Kirla'an Kenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 12, 1999
    star 1
    Sorry I couldn't post sooner! The server's been down all day.

    Daxer crept quietly up to the building. It was 7:30 and it was time to move. The plan was for him to sneak in at the side door, while Ha?san and his group silently waited outside the building at a distance of roughly 300 feet. Daxer was to signal them to come surround it when the Jedi arrived. The signaler was a device called a ?Heat-Flash?. A Heat-Flash was an old fashioned beacon of sorts, that sent out, literally, a flash of heat. The flash lasted only half a second and left no residual heat behind. It created no light and could only be picked up by an infrared sensor that is pointed toward it. In other words, it is almost impossible to spot. Daxer had a transmitter that would send the signal to the Heat-Flash to make it go off. The transmitter was a little smaller than palm-sized and it had a big, flat, red button in the middle.

    Kinda obvious what this is for. thought Daxer wryly. He repeated to himself the code he had thought up with Ha?san, ?One flash means ?he?s here,? a second flash means, ?get your rear in gear and come help me!? He smiled at the thought. Ha?san had made up the second part of the code. After placing the Heat-Flash at the south side of the building, Daxer crept back to the side door, it was locked.

    ?Darn!? he exclaimed, ?Guess I?ll have to hot-wire it.? He opened the control panel and quickly pulled two wires out and switched them. ZZZZTTT!!!! Sparks flew while he watched the door slide open; one inch.. three inches.. six inches.. ten.. one foot...

    CLUNK! the door was stuck. Daxer sighed and tried forcing it but it was no use. Wedging himself, he tried to get through but only got halfway before his hip got stuck between the door and its post. With a grunt he yanked himself the rest of the way through.

    Man, That was a tight squeeze! he thought ruefully as he rubbed his hip. Snapping on his hand-light, he scanned the room. Boxes were piled everywhere. Some piles reached almost to the roof. It was like looking at a mouse maze from the mouse?s point of view. There was barely enough room for one man to creep through the cracks in between the boxes. The one other door in the warehouse was boarded over and rusty, just like the one he had come through. Three skylights were in the roof. One of the side ones had shattered and had been covered over with Flimsiplast. A narrow walkway ran around the second story of the room. The stairs leading up to it were on the side of the building nearest him.

    Daxer doubted anyone had come in yet, since all the openings in the building were still secure, except , of course, the one he came through himself. He was about to sit down and wait, when he noticed a small bare spot, only about as big as a air taxi, right under the middle skylight. How nice. he thought sarcastically, they even give him a landing space. He figured that no one would pass up a such a choice spot to enter, so he climbed up the stairs to the walkway and positioned himself so that he could see the clear spot but anyone who dropped In would be unable to see him. He crouched behind the railing and waited.
  22. Kirla'an Kenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 12, 1999
    star 1
    echoing

    HELLO!! anyone out there!?
  23. Nanai Akira Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 30, 1999
    star 1
    yes, yes, yes, now keep writing....
  24. Hiroko01 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 14, 1998
    star 3
    So when do we get to Qui-Gon? <pouts>
  25. Wryin Shanraa Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Aug 25, 1999
    (straining) Patience... Must.. learn... Patience!!!!
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