The Twin of Evil (for all you Qui-Gon lovers) please respond to this thread.

Second page?!?!
Does nobody appreciate good writing anymore??

 

HI!!! I saw this funny looking green thing that said "Twin of evil" an I clicked it and it got me inta this! Anyway, I scrolled all the way down and there was this funny little button that said post reply. So here I am!!!

 

Patience is a virtue, Hiroko01.

[This message has been edited by Sie'a Kandra (edited 10-20-1999).]

 

The Qui-Gon part is coming soon. Sorry, but Lwyn IS my master.

Five minutes passed, it seemed like an hour. All of a sudden, light came pouring down the middle skylight. Must have be a stray ray from the... He didn?t get to finish his thought, for suddenly, a shadow fell onto the warehouse floor. Daxer looked up just in time to see a figure drop from the skylight to the ground. The drop was at least fifty feet. For a moment, Daxer was sure he was going to have to bring jelly to justice instead of a rogue Jedi, but the Jedi abruptly slowed before reaching the floor.
Either I?m seeing things, or he had a rope somewhere. he thought. Daxer never had quiet believed all the things he had heard about the Jedi, but that fall made him wonder.

Like a dangerous cat, the Jedi moved across the clear space, in the direction away from Daxer. He halted abruptly at the edge, as if he sensed something.... Suddenly he whirled and stared directly at the place were Daxer was hiding.

Daxer sighed, I should?ve known better than to try to hide from a Jedi. he thought ruefully.
He jumped up and pointed his blaster at the Jedi, while pushing the button on the transmitter at the same time. The Jedi started and stared at the south side of the warehouse, right at the place where Daxer had put the Heat-Flash.
Nah, he couldn?t sense that... Could he?
Daxer didn?t have time to wonder.
Abruptly the Jedi, from a dead stand still, was flying through the air toward him.
All Daxer could do was throw himself to the side as the Jedi came hurtling toward him. His quick reflexes were all that saved him from being crushed against the wall.

Daxer did a quick roll and leaped to his feet. The Jedi was already moving.
A feint to the left and a quick jab with the Jedi?s foot disarmed Daxer and sprained his wrist.
Daxer jumped back and rubbed his wrist, trying to dull the pain that was shooting through his arm.
The Jedi was crouched four feet in front of him, like a giant spider poised for attack. He was between Daxer and the stairs. Daxer spotted his blaster and the transmitter on the walkway, one foot behind the Jedi. He hadn?t seemed to notice them yet, and if Daxer could just keep him from noticing a few seconds longer he might just reach it before the other did.

Daxer feinted a punch to the others head and with a flying leap, flung himself headlong at the blaster and transmitter, only to have them kicked off the walkway by the Jedi a split second before he reached them.
Daxer didn?t have time to watch as they fell to the floor twenty feet below him.
Turning, he sprang to his feet, and raced for the stairs, the Jedi following close behind him and gaining swiftly.

 

Aaaarrrrggghh! You are a student of Lwyn'nya, I see!

Welcome to Lwyn'nya's School of Reader Torture!!

Qui-Gon soon, yes????

 

The Qui-Gon part is coming soon but a certain master of mine won't tell me what she thinks of my stuff or give me suggestions! Anyway, I did my best and will post every day so keep reading (and posting.)

Daxer got to the stairs first and basically threw himself down them, almost tripping at the end when a box hit the back of his knees.
He skidded to the right, and raced toward the place were the blaster fell. It was lying by a huge pile of crates, but the transmitter was no where to be seen.

Daxer thought hurriedly about were it could have fallen. He didn?t have a chance against this Jedi if he couldn?t get reinforcements here soon. He glanced around while scooping up the blaster.
That moments pause earned him a crushing blow to the head from the Jedi?s foot.

Daxer leaped up on the pile of crates and ducked behind a huge box. Taking aim over the top, he started to shoot at the Jedi.

With lighting movements, the Jedi dodged bolt after bolt, twirling and leaping across the room. He leaped behind some boxes and disappeared.
All of a sudden crates started flying toward Daxer, barely missing him as he dove and twisted out of the way.

As one crate came at him he spotted the transmitter wedged between two huge boxes about three feet away from him.
If he could just reach it before he got smashed....

Daxer picked up a small, metal box and started to use it to block the crates flying at him. Weaving his way through the flying objects, Daxer reached the spot were the transmitter was wedged.
He first tried to shove the closest box away from the other, but it was to heavy. With a grunt, he heaved himself up onto the box. Shoving his blaster in its holder, he crammed most of his body down in the crack between the two crates.
Straining, he reached for the transmitter. His fingers brushed the side of it. He reached farther, wedging his body in till he could barley breath.
He shoved his hand forward roughly, hit the transmitter... And shoved it further down, out of reach.

?Rats!!? he muttered, and started searching for alternatives. An idea started to form in his mind.
Yanking himself out of the crack, he jumped down in front of the box, in view of the Jedi.
He started laughing loudly. The boxes stopped hurtling through air and dropped to the ground.
The Jedi jumped up onto the box he was hiding behind and looked at Daxer, confused. Daxer stopped laughing, and put on a mocking face.

?And they called you a Jedi. HAH! If throwing boxes is the best you can do then it?s no wonder the council threw you out!?

The Jedi went livid with rage and shoved his hands out in front of him with a convulsive gesture. The box Daxer was standing in front of rose into the air and hurtled toward him.

Daxer was waiting for just that. He dove out of the way and toward the now exposed transmitter.
The Jedi was standing right in the way as the box gained momentum, too fast to be stopped. He leaped out of the way... Too late.
He caught a crushing blow to the shoulder that threw him onto the floor and dazed him.
Daxer picked up the transmitter. wires were hanging out of it, and a piece of the plastic coating was missing. He groaned and popped open the back.

?Shoot!? he exclaimed, ?the switch is fried. I?ll have to find another way to contact Ha?san.?
A thought hit him like a ton of bricks. The comlink that Ha?san had given him for Talis!
He slapped himself on the head, wincing as his hand hit a bruise that was forming from the Jedi?s kick. Of course! How could he not have thought of it before?

Daxer leaped behind a box and started pulling wires out of the comlink and hooking them together. He would have to alter it to the same frequency as Ha?san?s comlink.

 

post post post post POST POST POST!!!!!

I need encourgment, please!

 

Go, li'l writer chica, GO! I think Lwyn's pretty busy right now- have you given a shot at emailing her?

I wanna see Qui-Gon!

 

Hiroko01: Patience is a virtue. Qui is coming. Just wait two more posts. (I have inside information! )

Encouragement?! Okay, fine. Here is some encouragement: YOU ARE THE GREATEST!!! Next to Lwyn, of course. Everybody agrees with me... Don't you??

 

I know this post has been late in coming, but honestly, I haven't had time to really sit down and read this through.

I'm very impressed, my Padawan!!

It took a few chapters till the plot became evident, but its developed very well! You, like Sie'a and Hiroko, develop your story through dialogue, but you also balance it pretty well with commentary and description.

Hmmm, the only things I could suggest to work on is how to built the emotion in the reader. I love what you've done so far, the only thing I might want to edit slightly is the part where Talin realizes that Daxer is truly dead. I like the idea of running down the clock, but maybe some 'emotion building'? Like this:

6:00

He's fine. They're in the middle of squadron drills. They're in the middle of squadron drills, and the electromagnetic field can't send a communication through. That's all. He's fine.

7:00

The tightening in her chest increased to a crushing force, but still she choked it down. A chill sensation breathed across her arms as if she had lost blood circulation, and yet physically she was fine. But why was it so hard to breathe? The air was clear, and yet she felt as if she were two leagues under a sea of syrup, struggling to breathe without drowning. He'll call soon. He'll call. He-

8:00

-he's dead.

Hmmm, just a rough, but do you see what I mean about emotion building? It's one thing to feel the emotion yourself as a writer, but one thing entirely to play it in the soul of the reader Just something to work with

Keep it up! I'm curious how he dies! And what of the twins??

AND WHAT THE SITH HELLS IS THIS DOING ON THE SECOND PAGE???? A LITTLE DECENCY, PEOPLE!!

Love always,

~ Lwyn'nya

 

It's one thing to feel the emotion yourself as a writer, but one thing entirely to play it in the soul of the reader.

I second that! I've been trying to say it but couldn't get the words out right. redface.gif The characters are talking, sure, but the dialogue is only the part of the action that the characters say out loud. There's way more to a story than that. (Look who's talking, of course. )

<Warning: I'm about to tell you way more about description writing than you're likely to ever use. Just smile and nod and don't worry about it until you're really comfortable with the whole description thing.>

A warning- stay away from "purple prose." Example: As the sun threw its dying rays through the silent forest, Eirtae finally felt all at peace with the universe. Okay, that was a bad example. Just make sure as you get into more descriptive writing that it doesn't start to sound like a romance novel. It's full of cliches that just kind of zoom by unnoticed because they're so common, and it's so obviously tear-jerky that it can really annoy readers.

I walked just under the shelter of the pines, my heels deep in the needles... Let's hear it for Robert Penn Warren! He wrote this in All the King's Men. RPW, whatever else you can say about the book, is a master describer. He comes up with weird and unconventional ways to say things and doesn't get purple about them. He uses the emotions and pictures that different words bring to mind to say things without saying them directly. If he wants to use the dictionary meaning of one word but its connotation doesn't go with what he wants to say, he uses some totally off-the-handle description that brings not only the image but the emotions that he wants to the reader. It's weird, but MAN does it work.

<if that wasn't enough information overload, I'm reading that book for class and have a detailed analysis of that passage that tells exactly how and why it ain't purple. Don't worry about getting that fancy with description yet. For now, just work on seeing where it should go and putting it in. >

 

Great story! Keep posting it. I can't wait to read more.

 

HEY PEOPLE!

sorry I haven't posted, but I'm having a little trouble with a master of mine.....
glaring menacingly at Lwyn'nya.
Anyway, I am still proof reading and can't post today. So sorry I couldn't yesterday either, or the day before. I am having a busy weekend.

By the way.... the Qui-Gon part is NOT coming in two more posts, miss-Wryin-smarty-pants!

Hiroko01: understand that I dearly love Qui, who doesn't? But my rough draft has me writing a lot about other things first. PLEASE have patience with me.

I will do my best to satisfy your cravings for Qui.

Can we make a thread that's a organized group of people that LOVE Qui?
I'll be president!

Kirla'an, president of the official fan club for Qui-Gon lovers.

I kinda like the title.

 

Lwyn'nya,
The 6,7,8 were the tollings of the clock.
please read it again and you'll see.

I didn't want to draw it out to long cuz people like Hiroko01 want me to get to the Qui part fast.

 

Obi-Wan: Master Yoda says to be mindful of the future.

Qui-Gon: Yes, but not at the expense of the present.

Be a good Padawan and listen to Qui-Gon! He's a smart man.

It's ok if your story has to go through other stuff first. The Qui-Gon-less stuff is just as much a part of the story as the parts that he is in- don't skimp on it because it takes the quality of the whole story down.

Of course 6, 7, 8 were the tollings of the clock, I think Lwyn' knew that. I think what she meant was that you could not only show the time passing, but use it to show how Talis's panic built over that time if you wanted to.

 

Hiroko ~ Right you are!

 

I hope ya'll like this!
Lwyn, I didn't realy get your opinion or help on this, so don't expect to much.

The Jedi groaned and got shakily to his feet. How could he have not seen what that insolent CorSec agent intended? How could he have been so blind as to let that happen?
I shouldn?t have let myself get so angry at that taunt. he thought furiously,
But how dare such a pathetic life form say that about me, Ki?dan!?
He closed his eyes and concentrated on the force.

There.

The idiot was trying to hide behind a crate! Well, he?d put a stop to that!
He crept up to the crate that was concealing Daxer.

Daxer had been keeping an eye on the Jedi through a crack in the boards. When Ki?dan had gotten to his feet, Daxer had pulled out his blaster and crept away from the crate.
He had almost finished cross-wiring the transmitter. If he could get just a few more moments of safety he would be able to call Ha?san.

Ki?dan sensed that Daxer was moving away and changed tactics.
He must have gotten hold of that device. thought Ki?dan I don?t know what it is, but I?ll bet anything it?s some kind of communication device.

Daxer watched as Ki?dan crept stealthily toward him, unaware he was being watched. Ducking down again behind the line of boxes he worked on snapping the wires into place in the comlink.

Click.

That small sound resonated in the large room. Everything became deathly silent as both adversaries froze to see what followed.

When nothing had happened for a few seconds, Daxer let out his breath slowly and relaxed.
YYYYAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

The Jedi vaulted over the box and wrestled Daxer to the ground.
Ki?dan grabbed for the comlink that Daxer still held in is hand, but Daxer hid his hand in his pocket and pushed the transmitter button.

?HELP!? he screamed, ?Ha?san, get your rear....?

Crunch! Ki?dan slammed a box onto Daxer?s pocket, crushing both the comlink and his hand. Daxer screamed and with inhuman strength slammed the Jedi into a nearby crate with his feet. He shoved himself into a sitting position against the wall of the building, gasping as what felt like fire rushed up his arm and into his body.

Ki?dan jumped to his feet and listened as the sound of booted feet came rushing toward them from outside.

?Well, my friend, your little plan worked.? he said with a sneer, ?I may be caught by your friends, but you?re not getting out of this alive.?
With that he closed his eyes, concentrating. His hand raised and slowly clenched into a fist.

Daxer felt what seemed to be iron bands suddenly wrap themselves around his throat. Choking, he reached up and started clawing at his throat in a vain effort to free himself.
Ki?dan opened his eyes and glared at Daxer with a sickening, gleeful expression on his face while the sound of people pounding on the door echoed in the room.

Daxer was losing his sight and his legs and arms were going numb. He struggled with all he was worth but it was no use; the Jedi had him and he was not about to let him go, Daxer could see that in his face

As he felt his life slip away, Daxer focused his thoughts on Talis. Talis, I?m sorry. he thought faintly, I?m sorry.... The bands released as his eyes drifted shut and his body slumped over onto the floor.
Ha?san and his men came rushing toward them.

It was eight o?clock.

 

Please don't critize so much!
I am trying my best to please!

Hiroko01 and Lwyn, I am so sorry that I didn't make your expectations. If you could post your suggestions or maybe e-mail me them I might be able to write better stuff.
My e-mail address is KirlaKenobi@juno.com
Feel welcome to use it when needed.

 

Don't get all down on yourself, Kirla'an, you're a good writer! The point of writing here is to make a story that you want to tell, we're just trying to tell you about things you can do to express it better. Don't do this to please an audience (although it's a REALLY nice side-effect. ) When you rushed to get to the Qui-Gon part, you were sacrificing the integrity of your story for the audience's sake.

Keep going, you're doing good so far!

 

Well... to tell the truth, I didn't REALLY rush cuz I thought people wanted me to get to the Qui part sooner. I was just getting over writers block. (I am not very good at suspense sences.) What i had said was just a convenient excuse. Please forgive me!

(I desperately need help!)

 

Kirla`an ~

Shhhhh, apprentice-mine. No need to stress out (your Master's been doing enough of that for a whole squadron let alone two people) Your post was very good!! You write action parts very well! I often have difficulty with action, and you pulled it off nicely

I think you are starting to understand what I meant about getting into the reader's head. You took the thoughts of your main character as if it would be in someone's mind. Works very well! Then the reader sees his thoughts as their own, and then the story becomes alive with emotion: anger, anticipation, fear, love, etc.

Remember, you must have faith in yourself. You forge the path. I only trim it a little

Ever on your side,

~ Lwyn`nya

 

(Echoing)

HELLO

Anyone out there?!?

PLEEEEEEASE respond!

Oh well, no one likes me, <pout> I guess I'm just gonna curl up in a corner and die.
:0

 

I think you are doing a great job on this story!! Keep it up!

 

I am LOVIN' this story you are doing very well and .... my personal opinion is... it's your stroy write it how you want it... that's what works best for me.... and more then likely if it pleases you then it will also please others... Kepp Going!!!!

 

I am LOVIN' this story you are doing very well and .... my personal opinion is... it's your stroy write it how you want it... that's what works best for me.... and more then likely if it pleases you then it will also please others... Keep Going!!!!