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  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

The Unofficial Humorous JPIII Thread

Discussion in 'Lucasfilm Ltd. In-Depth Discussion' started by EagleIFilms, Aug 10, 2001.

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  1. EagleIFilms

    EagleIFilms Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 6, 2001
    Hi, and welcome to the Unofficial Humorous Jurassic Park III Thread.

    In it, we will write a humorous version of Amblin Entertainment's latest, Jurassic Park II.

    Here's the rules-

    I. You can write up to two lines, and one action sentence.

    II. What you write must be humorous.

    III. Please do not stray from the plot of the movie. Keep the general structure of the scene in the same structure as in the movie. While you may not be able to remember a scene from the movie, try to keep it close to what actually happens.

    IV. If 2 posts are made right after one another, we only count the first one.

    V. Note, there may be spoilers here if you have not seen Jurassic Park III.

    Have fun!




    Unlocking and upping, 'cause why the hell not.
     
  2. Ozzel

    Ozzel TF.N Foreign Book Covers Staff star 5 VIP

    Registered:
    May 14, 2001
    One problem with rule #3, EagleIFilms: there was no plot to JP3. How can we stick with or stray from the plot if there isn't one? ;)
     
  3. Dubya_Fett

    Dubya_Fett Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 2, 2001
    Okay, here goes...

    FADE IN

    EXT. ISLA SORNA - DAY
    The Costa Rican island of Isla Sorna comes into view.

    TITLE
    Jurassic Park III: Attack of the Dinosaur Clones

    -Dubya Fett
    Fettism of the Day: GEORGE W. BUSH: "The clones are attacking? Golly, why didn't anyone tell me?"
     
  4. EagleIFilms

    EagleIFilms Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 6, 2001
    Guy we don't care about: How close can you get to the island?

    Mexican Boatman: Close enough that we can all get killed by dinos, of course. We need a plot device to get Grant on the island.
     
  5. Dubya_Fett

    Dubya_Fett Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 2, 2001
    Guy We Don't Care About: So Jeff Goldblum isn't in this one?

    Mexican Boatman: No, senor, he's in the film with the talking cats and dogs.

    -Dubya Fett
    Fettism of the Day: GEORGE W. BUSH: "The clones are attacking? Golly, why didn't anyone tell me?"
     
  6. EagleIFilms

    EagleIFilms Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 6, 2001
    GWDCA: Oh, I see. Well, lets get on with the story. The audience is getting bored.

    MB: Yes senor.

    Scene changes and we see the Man We don't care about, and a kid suiting up...
     
  7. Dubya_Fett

    Dubya_Fett Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 2, 2001
    GWDCA (to Mexican Boatman): I'll give you a little extra if we see something really good.

    GWDCA (to Eric): Are you excited Eric? We're about to go parasailing above a restricted island which is home to giant prehistoric creatures known for their ability to outsmart and kill seasoned professionals, let alone an unprepared, unlikable yuppie like me. And your dad says I'm a bad role model.

    -Dubya Fett
    Fettism of the Day: GEORGE W. BUSH: "The clones are attacking? Golly, why didn't anyone tell me?"
     
  8. EagleIFilms

    EagleIFilms Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 6, 2001
    Eric: Don't worry, GWDCA, I'm sure it will be all ok. You brought your expensive digital video camera with you?

    GWDCA: Sure did, Eric. Sony, the makers of fine expensive digital cameras.
     
  9. Dubya_Fett

    Dubya_Fett Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 2, 2001
    The parasail is let loose. Eric and GWDCA take to the air, dragged by a towline from the boat.

    Eric: Wow! This is great! More fun than going to Burger King!

    GWDCA: Hey, look Eric, some trees! And down below, a fog bank!

    -Dubya Fett
    Fettism of the Day: GEORGE W. BUSH: "The clones are attacking? Golly, why didn't anyone tell me?"

     
  10. Dubya_Fett

    Dubya_Fett Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 2, 2001
    The boat disappears into the fog bank. When it appears on the other side the Mexican Boatmen are gone and there is blood all over the boat, as if the men were attacked by some large monster.

    Eric: Where did they go?

    GWDCA: Oh my god... now I'll never get my deposit back!

    -Dubya Fett
    Fettism of the Day: "Thank you very much, Mr. Loboto, for helping us escape from Cloud City, thank you..."
     
  11. EagleIFilms

    EagleIFilms Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 6, 2001
    Eric: Darnnit! Look! It's heading for that thing of rocks!

    GWDCA: Don't worry, Eric. Let me just get my knife out. There!

    Their parasail detaches from the ship, and as they look down, they see the ship go on past the rocks. Then, they see the crew come out from below deck. They wave to the parasailers quizzically, and then, uncaring, turn back to the bloody task of skinning their fish.
     
  12. Dubya_Fett

    Dubya_Fett Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 2, 2001
    GWDCA: D'oh!

    The parasail carrying Eric and GWDCA drifts towards the dinosaur-infested jungles of Isla Sorna.

    -Dubya Fett
    Fettism of the Day: "Qui-Gon Jinn. Obi-Wan Kenobi. Count Dooku. Ki-Adi-Mundi. Bail Organa. Sio Bibble. George Lucas. Al Gore. Who has the worst beard?"
     
  13. Dubya_Fett

    Dubya_Fett Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 2, 2001
    Cut to Ellie's infant son playing with a toy brachiosaur and triceratops in a sandbox. Paleontologist Dr. Alan Grant is watching over him holding a tyrannosaur and velociraptor action figure.

    Ellie's Son: Roarrrr!

    GRANT: Now wouldn't you rather play with these OFFICIAL "Jurassic Park III" toys? Uncle Alan gets a percentage of the merchandising profits!

    -Dubya Fett
    Fettism of the Day: "Qui-Gon Jinn. Obi-Wan Kenobi. Count Dooku. Ki-Adi-Mundi. Bail Organa. Sio Bibble. George Lucas. Al Gore. Who has the worst beard?"
     
  14. Dubya_Fett

    Dubya_Fett Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 2, 2001
    Paleobotanist Dr. Ellie Satler appears and picks up her son.

    Ellie: He's only two, Alan. I don't think he's ready for toys from a PG-13 rated movie.

    Alan: Are you kidding, Ellie? The guys at Universal were test marketing "Jurassic Park" to fetuses while they were still in their mother's wombs. The drooling little crib-lizards can't get enough of dinosaurs (Grant pauses for a second and looks more serious)... but I, for one, am still haunted by my experiences on Isla Nublar.

    -Dubya Fett
    Fettism of the Day: "If at first you don't succeed... have Hollywood do a remake!"
     
  15. EagleIFilms

    EagleIFilms Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 6, 2001
    Alan: Do you remember the sounds they made?
    Ellie: I try not to.
    Alan: Well, if you can, try to explain it to the guys over at JP toys. They're trying to make a chip to put in the raptors.
     
  16. Dubya_Fett

    Dubya_Fett Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 2, 2001
    Ellie's husband Mark walks by. Ellie hands her son to him. Ellie and Mark then kiss.

    Ellie: Alan, you know Mark.

    Alan (muttering to himself under his breath): Oh, so this is the jerk she married instead of me. I wonder what she sees in this bozo? Probably just wanted a guy who would knock her up every two years and give her lots of whiny brats...

    -Dubya Fett

    EDIT (Mr. P): No spoilers!!!
     
  17. EagleIFilms

    EagleIFilms Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 6, 2001
    At dinner, Ellie and Alan are talking:

    Alan: Where's Mark?
    Ellie: Oh, who knows. He's a minor character, put in so I could have a kid for a funny part later in the movie.
     
  18. Dubya_Fett

    Dubya_Fett Jedi Youngling star 3

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    Jun 2, 2001
    Ellie (suddenly remembering something): ...And oh yeah, I almost forgot. Mark is involved in international relations between the Costa Rican and US governments for the Department of Plot Contrivances. That little tidbit of information is going to be really important later on.

    -Dubya Fett
     
  19. EagleIFilms

    EagleIFilms Jedi Grand Master star 5

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    Apr 6, 2001
    Alan: Hmm...well, like I was saying earlier, you remember the sounds they make?
    Ellie: I try not to. At night, they come back to me. Loud, honking, and it seems that they're right next to me. Wait, come to think of it, when Mark is out of town, the nightmares aren't there!
     
  20. Dubya_Fett

    Dubya_Fett Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 2, 2001
    Alan: Anyway, I believe the raptors were talking to each other!

    Ellie: Oh my god... so we were right!

    Alan: They were smart, Ellie. Smarter than dolphins, smarter than primates, and definitely smarter than screenwriters!

    -Dubya Fett
     
  21. EagleIFilms

    EagleIFilms Jedi Grand Master star 5

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    Apr 6, 2001
    Alan: I couldn't ever go back...and I mean it this time!
    Ellie starts laughing.
    Alan: No, really! I won't!
     
  22. Dubya_Fett

    Dubya_Fett Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 2, 2001
    After dinner, Alan gets into his car and is about to leave.

    Ellie: It was nice seeing you again. You're still the best, Alan.

    Alan (thinking to himself): Hey, is she still hot for me? I think she is! Hmmm, Mark's not around... should I put the moves on her? Ah, maybe I'll wait till "Jurassic Park IV".

    Alan: Thanks, Ellie.

    Alan drives off.

    -Dubya Fett
     
  23. EagleIFilms

    EagleIFilms Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Apr 6, 2001
    Next Scene (correct me if I'm wrong): Alan is at a press conference talking about his new blah discovery that blah will change blah blah blah.

    Alan: ...and so, that is why T-Rexs CAN see you if you don't move, even though they CAN sometimes. Any questions?

    Every hand in the room goes up.

    Alan: ...that don't have to do with Isla Nublar?

    Still up.

    Alan: ...or the incident at San Diego, which I didn't witness because I was doing another movie?

    Still up.

    Alan: ...or the new Star Wars title? I've told you guys, I don't have any views on the subject!

    Every hand goes back down.
     
  24. Dubya_Fett

    Dubya_Fett Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 2, 2001
    A geeky looking guy in a "Mummy Returns" T-shirt puts his hand up.

    Alan: You, over there. Do you have a question?

    Geeky Guy: Yes, I'm Harry Knowles from Ain't It Cool News. I was wondering, is this movie set before "The Lost World"?

    Alan: *sigh*

    -Dubya Fett
     
  25. Dubya_Fett

    Dubya_Fett Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Jun 2, 2001
    Harry Knowles (The Geeky Guy Formerly Known as Geeky Guy): Okay then, second question: would you go back to that island with the dinosaurs on it if someone offered you, say, millions of dollars?

    Alan: Well, that is a lot of money... No! Do you think I'm crazy? Those things almost ate me in the first movie! Trust me, it would take a mighty big plot contrivance to get Dr. Alan Grant back on that island!

    Harry Knowles: Are you sure? Because I've already read the fifth draft of the script, and in that version...

    -Dubya Fett
     
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