The Unofficial Humorous JPIII Thread

Alan: Will you shut up?

Harry: Is that kid from Patriot in it? Oh, what about Darth Kimball? I heard that...

Alan: SHUT UP!

 

Cut to a paleontological dig in Montana. Alan's partner, graduate student Billy Brennan, is showing a female student how to unearth a velociraptor fossil with a fine brush.

Billy: ...You see, you do small, light strokes. By the way, do you want to see the huge bone I've got?

Grant pulls up in his truck.

Grant: Billy, *ahem*.

Billy: Oops, got to go!

-Dubya Fett

 

Billy: Hey Dr. Grant! I've been meaning to show you something.

They walk over to the tent, and inside is a cardboard box with what looks like a piece of cardboard in the form of an arrow pointing to different labels attached to it. The labels read:

Beer
Raptor Talking Organ
Beer
3D Studio MAX and Commotion bundle
XXX PORN
More Beer

Alan: What is this?

Billy: It's a transmografier. Remember it from Calvin and Hobbes? Anyway, you put something into it, and out pops something else.

Billy places a square into the cardboard box, and hits the button.

Box: BOINK!

 

Billy removes a strange object from the cardboard box.

Alan: What is that thing?

Billy: It's a magical kazoo that will allow us to talk to velociraptors. See what happens when I blow into it... roarr-arr!

Alan: That's great, Billy. Even though I'll never use it because I will never go back to that island with the dinosaurs on it, I'll just put it right here in my pocket.

-Dubya Fett

 

Billy: So how did your request for more money go?

Grant: Great. I told Spielberg, "Look, I wasn't in 'The Lost World' and it sucked. If you want me back you're going to have to give me the bling-bling."

Billy: No, I meant funding for our velociraptor intelligence theory research.

Grant: Oh that. They said no. But that's just a plot contrivance so that we can have the Kirbys offer me a gazillion dollars to go to Isla Sorna. According to the script they should be showing up right about now.

-Dubya Fett

 

Mr. Kirby: Hello Dr. Grant!
Alan: Who the **** are you?
Mr. Kirby: Hey, wait! Remember, this one has almost no cursing!
Alan: Sorry.

 

Mr. Kirby: I have a proposal for you...
Alan: No. I won't go back to th island.
Mr. Kirby (whispering): Sam, we haven't gotten to that part yet!
Mr Kirby: I'd like to take you to dinner...does Hooters sound good?
Alan: Sure! I'll bring my 23 year old junior palentolegist with me...

 

Alan, Billy, Paul Kirby, and his wife Linda sit down at Hooters.

Paul: Dr. Grant, Mr. Brennan, this is my... lovely wife Linda.

Linda: Hello.

Paul: Me and... Linda are wealthy adventurers with millions to burn.

Alan: You got to be to afford a fancy place like Hooters.

-Dubya Fett

 

Mr. Kirby: Exactly. And this is why I've brought you here.

A fine lookin' waitress walks up. Mr. Kirby's jaw drops. Mrs. Kirby slaps him.

Mr. Kirby: Er, ah, as I was saying, my wife and I have travelled to many places in the world...Mount Everest, the North Pole, the Congo, Mars...but there's one thing we haven't done.

Alan: Go to Hooters?

Mr. Kirby: Yes. I mean, no!

 

Linda: We love danger. Heck, we even drive a Ford Explorer. So we want to visit the most dangerous place on Earth: Isla Sorna.

Paul: Because we are such wealthy big whigs the Costa Rican government has given us permission to fly over the island. We want you to come with us and be our guide. I'm willing to write a cheque in any amount you want, Dr. Grant. Just tell me the number.

Alan: Hmmm, from what I've heard no one's allowed to visit that island. How do I know you're telling me the truth and that that cheque won't bounce?

The Kirbys appear nervous.

Alan: Ah, forget it. You two look like you have honest faces. Besides, what's the worst that can happen?

-Dubya Fett

 

Alan: However, you must promise me that you will only fly over the island and make no attempt to land.

Paul: I promise.

Alan: Cross your heart or hope to be eaten by a T-Rex?

Paul (hesitantly): Uhm... sure.

-Dubya Fett

 

The Kirbys are busy paying their bill. Billy turns to Alan.

Billy: I don't get it, Dr. Grant. I thought you were you scared to death of going anywhere near the dinosaurs again?

Alan: I was, Billy, until I realized that I'm a major character, and the dinosaurs only eat supporting characters and bad guys.

Billy: I see... but hey, where does that leave me?

Alan: I don't know, Billy. I don't know.

-Dubya Fett

 

Next scene-on a beach. A burly looking guy is painting an airplane to have a big smiling mouth. Then he walks away, and blows the hell out of it.

1st Burly Guy: Yeah!
2nd Burly Guy: Why'd you do that?
1BG: The movie was getting boring, I thought I'd spice it up.

 

The first burly guy is named Cooper. The second burly guy is named Nash. A third guy, Udesky, who isn't as burly, answers his cell phone.

Udesky: Udesky here... oh, hello Mr. Kirby. Yes we're all ready, but I was wondering, how am I sure that you're telling the truth and that your cheque won't bounce? Ah, forget it. You have an honest sounding voice.

-Dubya Fett

 

Udesky: Don't worry, sir. We're very well prepared. It should be a walk in the park... hey, that almost sounds like a tagline!

-Dubya Fett

 

Cut to a small passenger plane flying towards Isla Sorna. Udesky and Nash sit in the cockpit, while Alan, Billy, Cooper, and the Kirbys sit in the back.

Alan: I've got you to thank for convincing me to come along, Billy. Now that I'm back in the "Jurassic Park" franchise, I can build that new addition to my vineyard in New Zealand. No more of that arthouse film crap for me. Did I tell you I once turned down playing James Bond?

Billy: Only a gazillion times... sheesh!

-Dubya Fett

 

The plane flies above Isla Sorna.

Alan: Now, there you see the Siplosycuacus. It's over 90 feet long!

Billy: Alan, that's a tree.

Alan: Darn it Billy, I told you not to ever correct me!

 

Alan turns to Cooper.

ALAN: So where do you know the Kirbys from?

COOPER: My church.

ALAN: Say... didn't you play Zito on "Miami Vice"?

COOPER: Uhm, I think you're mistaken.

ALAN: That was so sad when you got killed. By the way, whatever happened to Philip Michael Thomas?

-Dubya Fett

 

ALAN: Anyway, I think I'll have a nap. Billy, you can wake me up when we start to see dinosaurs.

Alan falls asleep. Alan then opens his eyes and sees that nobody is flying the plane. He looks to his side and sees a velociraptor next to him.

VELOCIRAPTOR: Alan...

ALAN: My god! You can talk!

VELOCIRAPTOR: Yes, Alan, and there's something I want to tell you... about your father.

ALAN: My father is dead.

VELOCIRAPTOR: No. I am your father!

ALAN: Noooooooo!!

Suddenly Alan awakens from his nightmare.

BILLY: Alan, wake up. We're over the dinosaur herd.

-Dubya Fett

 

(Dinosaur herd moves below.)

Alan: My god I've forgotten.

Cooper: Forgotten what.

Alan: Who do you play on Miami Vice?

 

(Cooper Punches Alan.)

Alan: Hey! What was that for?!

Cooper: So you won't resist landing

Alan: Wha-

(cooper knocks him out.)

 

Alan wakes up. He is groggy and rubs his head.

ALAN: Now I remember, it was Zito! Oh, we've landed. Landed... ON THE DINOSAUR-INFESTED ISLAND! AGGHHH, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Billy slaps Alan in the face.

ALAN: Thanks Billy. I needed that.

-Dubya Fett

 

Cooper: Hey look at me! haha Im on the Dino-Island. Take a picture.

(Spinosaurus comes out and Eats Cooper.)

Billy: cool

(Spinosaurus destroys Airplane.)

 

(I may have skipped a scene or two. If I did, just fill it in.)

Amanda: Wer'e really divorced, he doesn't have money, he scrubs toilets for a living, the checks gonna bounce, were look ing for our son and a guy we don't care about, does that anser your questions?

(Skeleton of GWDCA falls infront of her face, smacking her)

Amanda: AAAAH! Ow my nose job! Where was I? Oh yeagh, AAAAAH.

Billy: Oh my God! They killed Kenny!

 

(Slimybug jumped ahead quite a bit, so I'll backtrack to my last post)

AMANDA (speaking through a megaphone): Eric? Where are you, honey? If you haven't been eaten by dinosaurs yet please respond.

BILLY (to Alan): I think they're looking for someone.

ALAN: What's going on Mr. Kirby? I told you not to land the plane.

PAUL: I know, I know, Dr. Grant, but if we didn't we wouldn't have a movie, would we?

ALAN: I guess you're right.

-Dubya Fett