Memph, TN The Vader Monologues - By Blindman

This is HILARIOUS -

A taste.. (What goes on inside Vader's head)


Aboard The Executor

(The Millenium Falcon, exiting the asteroid field, makes a daring attack run on the Star Destroyer pursuing it, and vanishes from their scopes. The captain decides to take full responsibility, and sets off for a meeting with Vader, who waits aboard his flagship.)
ANAKIN: Captain Needa's coming over? This is gonna be so awesome!

VADER: Indeed. He is a bit of a scamp.

A: Scamp? The dude's a wild man! Remember that time when he programmed Admiral Ozzel's coffee maker to serve nothing but ronto urine?

V: That was classic.

A: Or the time when he put that whoopee cushion on the Emperor's throne?

V: How could I forget? I think he was the one who toilet-papered the Imperial Palace last week, too.

A: What's he coming over for, anyway?

V: He had the Millenium Falcon in his sights, but allowed them to slip away.

A: Uh-oh. You're not gonna, y'know, do the strangling thing to him, are you? He gets us into all the cool parties...

V: I'm shocked that you would even suggest that.

A: Of course. 'Cause you're just the soul of restraint, aren't you?

V: Well, maybe I'll surprise you.

A: Right...

(Needa arrives on the Executor, and is brought before Vader. He sketches a nervous bow, apologizes for losing the Millenium Falcon--and Vader strangles him.)

VADER: (to corpse) Apology accepted, Captain Needa.

(A pair of guards haul the body away.)

A: So which part was supposed to surprise me?

V: I used my left hand to make that pinching gesture with my fingers--not my right hand.

A: Wow. Coloring outside the lines, huh? Thinking outside of the box?

(Vader walks over and talks with Admiral Piett about the pursuit of the Millenium Falcon. He orders Piett to calculate every possible destination along their last known trajectory, then stalks off. In the corridor, one of the guards who hauled Needa away approaches him.)

GUARD: Sir, we found this on Captain Needa's body.

(The guard hands Vader a small package wrapped in bright paper and ribbon, then leaves.)

A: A present? What's the card say?

V: Let's see..."To Lord Vader: Happy Birthday, From Needa and the Guys".

A: That is so sweet of them.

(Vader opens the package.)

V: Helmet polish?

A: Cool!

V: I *am* running low.

A: Yeah--and you just killed the guy who was nice enough to give you more. Nice going, genius.

V: But I didn't--

A: Don't you just feel like a jerk, now?

V: I--

A: The guy goes out of his way to get you something special and you just up and whack him. I can't believe--

V: Hey, my birthday was last week! He deserved what he got.

A: Uh-huh. Sure. So how are we supposed to get into all the cool parties now, brainiac?

V: We don't need Needa for that. I'm a party machine. Everyone knows it.

(pause)

V: Why are you laughing?





IN CLOUD CITY:

(After his duel with Luke, Vader watches as his son steps gallantly off the platform and plunges down the air shaft, vanishing from view.)

ANAKIN: Dude, did you see that? Did you *see* that dive?!!! WOW! That would have gotten him an 8.5 at the Galactic Olympics, easy!

VADER: It was courageous, I'll give him that.

A: Does the old man proud, doesn't he?

V: Indeed.

A: Kind of harsh on him, though, weren't you? I mean, you chopped his freakin' hand off. What's THAT all about?

V: He needed to be shown his place. He needs to be disciplined, turned from this foolish course he's chosen.

A: Man, if you want to discipline him, you smack him across the knuckles with a ruler. You give him a "time-out". You don't CHOP HIS FREAKIN' HAND OFF!

V: I have endured far worse. It builds character.

A: You know, I don't think you're going to win the "Parent of the Year" award.

V: Nonsense. I'm an excellent parent.

A: Puh-lease! I mean, you cut off your son's hand, you blow up your daughter's home planet--

V: What?! What dau

 

A: Scamp? The dude's a wild man! Remember that time when he programmed Admiral Ozzel's coffee maker to serve nothing but ronto urine?

just hilarious lol

 

That is the funniest. Thing. EVER!

The "bling bling" hand.

"ow, ow, ow, ow, ow"

"Boing!"

 

Aaaaah!

I just read "ow, ow, ow, ow, ow" and "Boing"

God, these are hilarious! And they sound just like Ankin and Vader!

 

These have got to be the funniest SW humor I've read since Boba Funk's infamous TESB Deleted Dining Room Scene from several years back.

"Lobot starts to cry."

 

Wierdness...

So I'm not the only one who writes crazy stuff like that.

-Darth Grace*

 

This has GOT to be my favorite part....



(Inside the briefing room, Imperial officers sit around a table while Motti and Tagge argue about the Rebellion and the threat they may pose to the Death Star. Vader and Tarkin enter, and Tarkin begins to explain about the Emperor dissolving the Senate. Tarkin and Tagge then discuss the use of the Death Star as a deterrent, and Tagge worries about the Rebels finding a weakness.)

MOTTI: Any attack made by the Rebellion against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it.

VADER: (to Motti) Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignifigant next to the power of the Force.

ANAKIN: Ooh, "technological terror". I like that.

V: You don't think it's too much?

A: No, no. It's nice and alliterative. One might even call it snappy.

V: Snappy? Really? Because I was originally thinking about going with "engine of destruction" or--oh, wait. Is this idiot still talking? <---Rhonda

MOTTI: Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader...

A: Uh-oh...

MOTTI: Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not allowed you to conjure up the stolen data tapes.

A: Ohhh, boy.

Rhonda ----->

 

"Cloud City #6" is my favorite:

ANAKIN: Far be it from me to question your technique, but is there a reason you're swinging that thing around like a drunken Wookiee?

VADER: Yes.

(pause)

A: And that reason is...?

V: I...just like making the pretty sparks.

A: Oh. Well, I suppose that's all right, then.

(Vader forces Luke backward out onto the narrow walkway, and knocks him to the ground.)

VADER: (aloud) You are beaten. It is useless to resist. Don't let yourself be destroyed as Obi-Wan did.

(Luke bats Vader's lightsaber away, regains his feet. After a flurry of blows he lands a strike against Vader's shoulder. Vader cries out.)

V: Hey! I just polished that armor you little--!

(Vader launches another attack.)

A: Whoa, calm down, chief! You want him alive, remember? Find your happy place! Find your happy place!

(Vader severs Luke's hand.)

V: Found it!

(Vader lowers his blade.)

VADER: (aloud) There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you.

(Luke begins crawling backward along the gantry, away from him.)

A: Oh, man. It's all fun and games until someone loses an appendage.

V: No, that's when the fun and games *start*. Besides, once he joins me, I can always take him out to get a new hand. Maybe a nice gold number like that arm I used to sport.

A: That flashy, useless thing?

V: Oh, c'mon! A brutha's gotta have a little bling-bling.

A: A little what? What does that even mean?

V: I don't know. It sounds cool, though, doesn't it?

VADER: (aloud) Luke, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy.

A: Wow, when you put it like that it almost sounds reasonable.

V: Almost?

A: Well, the homicidal rampages kind of undercut your credibility.

LUKE: I'll never join you!

A: See?

VADER: (aloud) If you only knew the power of the Dark Side....Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.

LUKE: He told me enough. He told me you killed him.

A: Why, that lying sack of--!

VADER: (aloud) No. *I* am your father.

(Luke recoils in horror.)

A: I don't think he's buying it, dude.

LUKE: No. No! that's not true! That's impossible!

VADER: (aloud) Search your feelings; you know it to be true.

LUKE: Nooooo! Nooooooooo!

A: This is going well...

VADER: (aloud) Luke, you can destroy the Emperor. He has foreseen this. It is your destiny. Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son!

(Luke glances down into the chasm, then looks back at Vader.)

A: He's going to jump. Better hold onto your hat.

V: He is not going to jump. That "Skywalker" thing isn't literal, you know.

A: He is completely going to jump. And I'm not kidding about holding onto your hat--the way that helmet's wiggling around in the wind, it looks like your head's about go airborne...

V: Ten credits says he doesn't do it.

A: You're on.

V: All right, we--hey, wait a minute. You don't have any money!

A: Eh. You'll float me a loan, right?

(pause)

A: Buddy?

(pause)

A: Pal?