The Vader Monologues (humor)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by BlindMan, Dec 31, 2001.

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  1. blueangel Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 8, 2001
    star 2
    G R E A T ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

    The idea of the birthday present is so cute!!


    V: I´m a party machine.
    Pause
    V: Why are you laughing??

    That was a fantastic end !!!
    Can´t wait for more !!!!!!!
    ba ( Still laughing ;) )
  2. Jedi-Jae Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Feb 12, 2001
    star 4
    ROTFLMAO!!

    Blind Man, these are fantastic! Keep 'em coming!
  3. TheDarth Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2001
    star 4
  4. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    ROFLMAOWTIME ?[face_plain]

    Haven't seen that one before...

    Translation? :)

    :) Blind Man
  5. Qwi_Xux Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 5, 2001
    star 4
    Hehehe...those last few were great, BlindMan! Thanks!
  6. Endermunkee Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 15, 2000
    star 4
    These are wonderful. My first foray into fanfic, and I read this thread. Wonderful. :)
  7. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    ABOVE ENDOR:

    (Vader's shuttle lands in the docking bay of the new Death Star. He strides down the ramp, and is greeted by the sight of row upon row of troopers standing at attention.)

    ANAKIN: Wow, quite a turnout, huh?

    VADER: I deserve nothing less.

    A: I don't think you've had a crowd this big turn out for you since...since...

    V: My eleventh birthday party.

    A: That's right! That was so wizard! They held it at the Jedi Temple, and there were all the balloons and cake and--

    V: Yeah, it was really wizard--until Yoda's friends showed up.

    (pause)

    A: Oh. Yeah. Forgot about that.

    V: I wish I could.

    A: Who was it that crashed that party? I seem to remember a whole swarm of 'em.

    V: I don't wish to discuss this. I have to make preparations for the Emperor's arrival. The Rebellion will soon--

    A: I really wish I cared. Oh! There was that one guy, I recall, who kept hugging all the five-year-old padawans--whether they wanted him to or not. What was his name?

    V: Grover.

    A: Right, right. Weird-lookin' guy. And those two others, Bert and Ernie--they got drunk and started pimp-slapping Mace Windu around...

    V: Yaddle never let Mace live that one down...

    A: And that Cookie Monster that attacked anyone who tried to get near the dessert table--until they finally had to tranquilize him. And we had to listen to Snuffleupagus yammering on and on and ON about how he was going to go to Tatooine and liberate his "bantha brethren" from the shackles of oppression...

    V: Frankly, I don't know why they didn't drum Yoda out of the Jedi Order for that incident. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to be menacing...

    (Moff Jerjerrod approaches Vader, and they discuss the progress of the station's construction. Vader informs Jerjerrod of the Emperor's impending arrival, threatens new ways to motivate the workers, and Jerjerrod vows that his crew will double their efforts. He and Vader then walk away together.)

    JERJERROD: Oh, by the way, your associate arrived the other day.

    VADER: (to Jerjerrod) Associate? What associate?

    JERJERROD: He...said he was with you, m'lord. I had him wait over here while your shuttle was docking...

    (They approach a door, which hisses open to reveal...The Count.)

    THE COUNT: Two! Two Death Stars! Ah! Ah! Ah!

    A: Uh-oh.

    V: Hmmmm....I wonder what a lightsaber will do to a foam body?

    A: Oh, man. I can't watch...

    *snap-hiss*...


    :) Blind Man

    Jarren_Lee-Saber likes this.
  8. Jacinta_Kenobi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 23, 2001
    star 4
    THAT WAS GREAT!

    "I wonder what a lightsaber will do to a foam body?"
  9. JediClare Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 8, 2001
    star 4
    LOL!!! [face_laugh]

    Said that before...hmm...maybe I should launch into another adaptation of Westlife's songs...never mind. :p

    BTW, you forgot to mention Big Bird and Elmo. :D

    = Clare =
    Jarren_Lee-Saber likes this.
  10. blueangel Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 8, 2001
    star 2
    Funny Story, go on!!!!
  11. Tahiri Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 9, 2001
    star 4
    LOL "That was wizard! Until Yoda's friends came."

    "Oh. Yeah."

    This is a great fic!!!! :D
  12. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    That was hilarious!!! I checked here not really expectling to do much more then nag you for more BlindMan... instead I find a post that has me choking over my lunch at work!!

    Now co-workers are asking to read these so I'd better print them out! :) :)
  13. Darth_Fruitcake Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 18, 2001
    star 4
    *rolls on the floor, trying desperately to catch her breath*

    MY DEAR SWEET MOTHER OF THE FORCE!!!! THAT WAS FUNNY!!!

    More! :D
  14. JediASolo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 13, 2001
    star 4
    :D :D :D :D :D
    "Two. Two Death Stars. Ah! Ah! Ah!"
    "I wonder what a lightsaber will do to a foam body?"

    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    OMG...this is hilarious!
  15. TheDarth Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2001
    star 4
    Blindman: ROFLMAOWTIME: Rolling on floor laughing my ass off with tears in my eyes :D


    btw: ROFLMAOWTIME YET AGAIN :D
  16. Queengodess Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 18, 2000
    star 4
    ROTFLMAO!

    Can't remember the last time I laughed this much, and I use to do quite a bit of laughing...

    This is great! Just lovely...! You keep it up!
  17. jendiggity Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 26, 2001
    star 4
    that was great! the count...two death stars....and anakin "i really wish i cared" and....and.....*gasps for breath then starts lmao again*
  18. Ana_Labris Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 31, 2000
    star 4
    *roars with laughter*


    *barely catches breath*

    GENIUS!!!

    *laughs even more*
  19. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    IN CLOUD CITY (2):

    (Han Solo, strapped to the torture chair, is lowered down toward a table bristling with pain-givers. Vader leans in to watch.)

    ANAKIN: Where do I know this guy from?

    VADER: He's one of the rebels helping Skywalker in his attempts to overthrow the Empire.

    A: No, no, I've seen him somewhere else....Wait a minute! Now I know! He was in that holovid we saw the other night!

    V: What holovid?

    A: You know--the one with the guy looking for the artifact, and when they opened it, the villain's face melted off? "Corellia Smith", or something like that.

    V: I thought it was "Coruscant Jones".

    A: Whatever.

    SUZY: He's a hottie!

    (pause)

    V: Um...what the hell was that?

    A: Hm? Oh, that was Suzy.

    V: And who, pray tell, is "Suzy"?

    A: She's your feminine side.

    V: I don't *have* a feminine side.

    SUZY: If you say so, cupcake.

    V: Hey, I'm 100% man!

    A: 'Fraid not. Remember back at the Jedi Temple, when they decided to start letting boy bands join the Jedi Order?

    V: Yeah...

    A: And you thought it was just the best idea EVER...?

    V: That was temporary insanity! The doctors said so.

    A: Nope. That was Suzy.

    V: No way.

    A: Way.

    V: No chance. I got over that craziness, once the medication started working...and then I destroyed the Jedi for letting those punks in.

    SUZY: You were just jealous, because they had all those cool coordinated lightsaber moves...

    V: I'm not talking to you. You don't exist.

    A: She does, man. You know all those ideas you've been having about redecorating your meditation chamber?

    V: Yeah...

    A: In pink polka-dot drapery?

    V: Well, I think it'd add a nice decorative--holy crap! You're saying that's HER influence?

    SUZY: *smooch*

    V: Oh, man. I need some air. I need to go push somebody around...

    A: That's it, dude. Re-assert your manliness!

    (Vader leaves the room, and talks with Lando and Boba Fett in the corridor outside. When Lando protests giving Han to the bounty hunter, Vader--stepping into the turbolift--threatens him with the prospect of leaving a garrison in Cloud City. Lando backs off fearfully, and the door hisses closed.)

    A: Feel better, now?

    V: I do, yeah.

    SUZY: Man, I'd love to share a Colt .45 with that hot slab of--

    V: La la la--I can't hear you--la la la...

    A: *snicker* Give it up, man. You don't know the power of the Suzy...*snort*

    (pause)

    V: Wait a minute. Wait just a minute--I know what's going on here. There is no "Suzy", is there? It's just you, trying to mess with my head!

    A: Would I do a thing like that?

    SUZY: You sure wouldn't!

    V: Now cut that out!


    :) Blind Man
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  20. Lilu Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Mar 15, 2000
    star 3
    *LOL* Somebody bring the pink bunny slippers.

    Now all we need is the inner child, that would just be sooooo wizard! :D
  21. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    Again, just when I was in need of a laugh!!! Blindman, you did that amazingly well. *still laughing*

    I love that there's so many scene in the OT for you to do your magic on! :D :D
  22. blueangel Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 8, 2001
    star 2
    ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

    That´s so funny, poor Vader Ani is really an evil ;)

    GO ON
    ba
  23. jendiggity Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 26, 2001
    star 4
    i've been saying for years, vader is misunderstood. see, anyone that would have to put up with that anakin in his head would do the stuff he did! ;)
  24. Mcily_Nochi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 23, 2001
    star 4
    [face_laugh] O my gosh, I can't believe I wasn't keeping up with this! This is hilarious! They get better every time!

    More, please! :)
  25. Kitt327 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 23, 2000
    star 4
    :eek: Anakin is more evil than Vader! :D
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