The Vader Monologues (humor)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by BlindMan, Dec 31, 2001.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. JediClare Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 8, 2001
    star 4
    ::Gasps for air::

    Oh, Force...

    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    = Clare =
  2. Tahiri Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 9, 2001
    star 4
    LMAO!!!! Anakin is SO cool in this fic!!! Trickster and joker ;) Hehe, I like him much more here than he was portrayed in the Jedi Quest book! Great work!
  3. Mcily_Nochi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 23, 2001
    star 4
  4. TheDarth Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2001
    star 4
    ROFLMAOWTIME (explanation on page 2 :D)
  5. SuperFilly Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 16, 2001
    star 2
    LOLOL!! ROTFLMAOWTIME!! (lol, thats contagious and by the way the explanation is on page 3, not page 2! ;) )

    anyway...I should check these more often! BlindMan, these are HILARIOUS!!

    :D *superfilly*
  6. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Zoinks. Up to four pages on this...

    Thanks, all! :)

    More to come... :)

    :) Blind Man
  7. TheDarth Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2001
    star 4
    yes well , im going by a different thingy... :D
  8. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    ABOVE ENDOR (2):


    (Aboard the newly reconstructed Death Star, Vader leads Luke into a turbolift which will take them to the Emperor. The turbolift's door closes, the car begins to rise, and muzak begins to pipe in through the speakers. Neither of them speaks.)

    ANAKIN: Say something to him, man.

    VADER: Like what?

    A: Oh, I don't know: "Sorry I'm leading you down the path to damnation"? Or "Sorry I missed your second grade school play--I was out destroying the Jedi"? Or "Hey, how's Threepio these days?"

    V: We really have nothing to discuss.

    A: C'mon, man. You can't just hand him over to Palpatine without saying *something*.

    V: Well...

    A: It doesn't even have to be a big something. Make it small. Small talk, y'know?

    (The turbolift continues to rise. The muzak continues to play.)

    VADER: (to Luke--but without looking at him) I hate the music in these things. Makes you want to go out and destroy a planet.

    (Luke regards his father a moment.)

    LUKE: I...know what you mean. We've got the same problem with the lifts in our Rebel bases....I keep asking them to play something cool, like The Dead Jawas, or something, but they always turn me down.

    VADER: (turning to face Luke) You're into The Dead Jawas, too?

    LUKE: Are you kidding?

    (Luke rolls up one sleeve to reveal a tattoo of a Jawa corpse on his bicep, with the words "The Dead Jawas" above it.)

    VADER: (to Luke) Wizard! Uh...I mean, most impressive.

    LUKE: Isn't it? I got it at their concert on Ord Mantell a couple of years ago.

    VADER: I think I heard about that one! Isn't that the one where they had a drum solo that lasted for--

    LUKE: --fourteen days! Yeah! It was bitchin', man.

    VADER: Cool...

    (There's an awkward moment of silence. They both look away.)

    A: Dude, I think you guys just bonded! I'm so proud of you.

    V: Be quiet. There'll be no time for such frivolity once the Emperor begins his training.

    A: Whoa, whoa, whoa there, buddy! This kid's too cool to turn over to Palpatine! He likes The Dead Jawas, for cryin' out loud! Most young folks these days are into The Backstreet Bith, or crap like that...

    V: True...

    A: I say you just bail on this whole thing, ditch Palpatine, and go out club-hopping with the boy, here. A little wholesome father/son mosh pit action.

    V: And what am I supposed to do *after* the clubs, huh? Not a whole lot of employment opportunities for a former Dark Lord of the Sith...

    A: You could always become the announcer for the Corellian News Network. (in a deep voice:) "This...is CNN."

    V: I don't think so.

    A: You could be a bouncer...

    V: No.

    A: Door-to-door salesman? Who's gonna say no to *you*, right?

    V: Forget it.

    A: Motivational speaker?

    V: No.

    A: Circus midget?

    (silence)

    A: Okay, forget all that--you can figure things out later! Just *do* something, already!

    V: Well...

    (Vader's hand starts to stray toward the turbolift controls.)

    A: C'mon, man! We're running out of time, here!

    (Vader's hand gets closer.)

    A: Hurry!

    (Just as Vader's finger is about to touch the "stop" button, the turbolift door opens onto the Emperor's throne room.)

    A: Well...crapola.


    :) Blind Man

    Jarren_Lee-Saber likes this.
  9. Kitt327 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 23, 2000
    star 4
    LOL - Vader as a door to door salesman. I want to see that scenario in Short Attention Span theatre :)
  10. jendiggity Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 26, 2001
    star 4
    oh, i love it!

    <<<VADER: (to Luke--but without looking at him) I hate the music in these things. Makes you want to go out and destroy a planet.>>>

    my favorite line of this one! lmfoa!!! and anakin's trying to coach him and all, lol!!! another very good one!

    <<<Wizard! Uh...I mean, most impressive>>>

    i can just see the look luke would give him! hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee......okay i'll hee hee hee hee hee hee stop now hee hee hee hee hee hee!!!!!!!!
  11. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    >>>Vader as a door to door salesman. I want to see that scenario in Short Attention Span theatre


    *There's* an idea....I might just do that. :)

    :) Blind Man
  12. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    Another fabbo post Blindman!!

    Sorry I'm leading you down the path to damnation"? Or "Sorry I missed your second grade school play--I was out destroying the Jedi"? Or "Hey, how's Threepio these days?" Backackstreet Bith.... [face_laugh] [face_laugh]!!!
  13. TheDarth Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2001
    star 4
  14. JediClare Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 8, 2001
    star 4
  15. blueangel Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 8, 2001
    star 2
  16. DarthLothi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 4, 2001
    star 4
    A: You could always become the announcer for the Corellian News Network. (in a deep voice:) "This...is CNN."

    LMAO!!! [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

  17. Denny Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 29, 2001
    star 3
  18. Tahiri Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 9, 2001
    star 4
    This is absolutely wonderful! UP!!!!!
  19. Mcily_Nochi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 23, 2001
    star 4
    Oh my gosh! *wheezing with laughter* Never read these with a chest cold! *chuckle cough guffaw hack* I can barely breathe . . .

    That was soooo great! I was laughing so hard the whole time! "This . . . is CNN." I can sooo see that!
  20. SuperFilly Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 16, 2001
    star 2
    LOLOL!!!! ROTFLMAOWTIME!!!! haha!! i love it!

    *SF*
  21. Melyanna Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 19, 2001
    star 4
    I'm in so much pain from laughing too hard...

    Post more soon!

    Mel
  22. womp_rat208 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 8, 1999
    star 4
    Oh. My. Goodness. That was SO FUNNY! [face_laugh] I can hardly breathe now. This is GREAT! :D
  23. TheDarth Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2001
    star 4
    Say, do you have any more non-posted works? even not about star wars, id love to see em
  24. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    >>>Say, do you have any more non-posted works? even not about star wars, id love to see em

    Hmmmm...is it a shameless plug when someone else asks you to do it? :)

    Well, shameless or not, here's the plug:

    Most of my "Star Wars" stories are here on these boards, but my website, The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille has other, picture-related humor (i.e. oddball captions with pictures from the movies) and other items.

    For "Babylon 5" humor, there's my very first website (which was also my first foray into fanfic)...Useless Ideas For Babylon 5, a collection of plot ideas that would never be used on the show...

    There's also my review page, Three Bald Guys Review..., where Jean-Luc Picard (Star Trek: TNG), Michael Garibaldi (B5) and Teal'c (Stargate SG-1) review sci-fi movies and television.

    And last, there's my "Stargate SG-1" page, Glyphs Notes...This one doesn't have as much content as the others, though; haven't found a unique "voice" or "hook" for it. One of these days, though...

    And of course, (and this IS a shameless plug :) ) my droid tale, A Boonta Eve Tale/Rogue Droid Squadron could always use more readers... ;)


    :) Blind Man
  25. TheDarth Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2001
    star 4
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.