The Vader Monologues (humor)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by BlindMan, Dec 31, 2001.

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  1. Chiss_Admiral_Thron Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2002
    This is frikking hilarious. Please, give us more schizo Ani/Vader soon!
    As in RIGHT NOW!
    Heheheh...
    That, or..hmmm...how 'bout turning this into a round-robin?
  2. EmilieDarklighter Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 19, 2002
    star 4
    This is awesome, more, I beg of you!
  3. Mcily_Nochi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 23, 2001
    star 4
  4. _Derisa_Ollamhin_ Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 31, 2000
    star 4
    B-Man, you are *dangerously* funny. The lawsuit risks from ruined keyboards and monitors alone makes me hesitate to share this with anyone else (that and I want to keep you all to myself, locked in a cage and writing hilarity for me and me alone, mwah-ah-ha-ha-ha...oh, um, sorry... *my* DarkSide getting the better of me there...)

    Seriously, I am so glad Rani Veko forced me to read this with many painful threats of reading it aloud over the phone... ;)

    Very, very funny, off to find and devour the rest of your works now... :)

    Keep it up!

    *Derisa Ollamhin*
  5. TheDarth Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2001
    star 4
    How bout making the Ani monologues? when vader starts being all serious and ani is like: DUDE IM ONLY FRIGGIN 9 YEARS OLD LAY OFF BIOTCH!@#!@#
    and then boom
  6. Lieutenant_Page Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 17, 2001
    star 4
    THis is GREAT!!! Keep it up. The Muzak park was the best!
  7. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    ABOVE TATOOINE:


    (Aboard the captured Rebel Blockade Runner, an Imperial officer informs Vader that there is no sign of the stolen Death Star plans. He mentions that an escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting, but no life-forms were aboard. Vader deduces that the plans must be in the pod, and orders the officer to send a detachment down to retrieve them. Vader then heads back toward his Star Destroyer...)

    ANAKIN: Hey, I've got an idea--why don't *we* go down and retrieve the plans? Huh? It'll be nice to visit the old stomping grounds again...

    VADER: Forget it.

    A: Why not?

    V: Because I'd rather not spend the next week cleaning sand out of every nook and crevice. Besides: black armor...scorching hot desert...not a good combination.

    A: Wow. When'd you become such a wuss?

    V: I don't have time for this.

    A: I'm sorry, what was that? I don't speak Wuss-ese.

    V: Oh, shut up.

    A: Come on, man. Let's just head down. We can round up Kitster and Wald, and go out boozin', and talk about the good old days.

    V: Not interested.

    A: I canNOT believe you're punking out on me like this. You used to be able to drink a Wookiee under the table!

    V: That was before I hand to drink everything through a straw. Kind of hard to chug through this mask.

    A: So what? It'll be fun to try!

    V: No.

    A: Why not?

    V: There are just...too many painful memories down there. Slavery...leaving my mother...that whole incident with the electric salad tongs and the dewback stampede...things I'd rather forget.

    (Vader reaches the bridge of his Star Destroyer, strides over to the viewport. He stands with his hands behind his back as he eyes the planet.)

    A: Dude, here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking we should go down there, knock back a couple of shots, and then go find Greedo and beat the crap out of him. Huh? Huh?

    (pause)

    V: Well, now. That *would* be interesting...

    A: Yeah, I thought you'd like that. Then we can go find Sebulba and kick *him* around, too.

    V: Now you're talking!

    A: And old what's-his-name...the kid who said you were going to be bug squash if you entered the Boonta Eve Race. We could teach him a thing or too, as well.

    V: Yeah. Yeah! And all those other kids--the ones who were always calling me "Ani Fanny". And everyone who ridiculed me for being a slave--I can show them *all* the power of the Dark Side! Hell, yeah!

    A: Okay, I think we're getting a little carried away, here...

    V: Oh, no, we're not. In fact, I've got a better idea.

    (Vader turns to the captain of the ship.)

    VADER: (to Captain) Captain, power up all the turbolasers and target Mos Espa.

    (The captain begins to give orders.)

    A: Um...Anakin to Crazy Person. Come in, Crazy Person. I think we should stop, now...

    V: No way. I'll show 'em all.

    CAPTAIN: (to Vader) Turbolasers ready, sir.

    VADER: (to Captain) Fire at will!

    (The laser blasts begin to rain down on the planet.)

    A: *sigh* One of these days, I'm going to learn to keep my mouth shut...


    :) Blind Man

    Jarren_Lee-Saber likes this.
  8. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    *sigh*

    You seem to know when I'm really in need of a good laugh!! Thanks!! :D :D
  9. SuperFilly Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Oct 16, 2001
    star 2
    HAHA! LOL!! Vader is the greatest!!!!

    *SuperFilly*
  10. Mcily_Nochi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 23, 2001
    star 4
    LOL, great stuff! Keep it up! [face_laugh]
  11. JaegerGhent Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jan 5, 2002
    star 5
    LOL!!!!! This is too funny!! [face_laugh]
  12. Lieutenant_Page Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 17, 2001
    star 4
    That was the best!!

    A: Wow. When'd you become such a wuss?

    LOL... I'm still laughing at that.
  13. Chiss_Admiral_Thron Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2002
    BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH

    "Fire at will!"

    Oh, that was just priceless. At least we now know why Mos Espa is (probably) off the Tattoine map now.

    Keep it up, Blindman!
  14. Kriare2 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 9, 2001
    Thsi is sooooooo hilarious!!!!!

    [face_laugh]

    Keep it up!!

    [face_laugh]
  15. Lady-Typo Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Feb 8, 2002
    Absolutely the BEST humor fic I've ever read, and I've read a handful. PLEASE continue!

    ROFLMAO
  16. TheDarth Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 30, 2001
    star 4
    OM*G ROFLMAOWTIME LOLOLOLOLOL :p
  17. DarthLothi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 4, 2001
    star 4
  18. Tahiri Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 9, 2001
    star 4
    Thank you for the post, it has cheered me up immensely :)
  19. blueangel Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 8, 2001
    star 2
  20. Denny Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 29, 2001
    star 3
    "I don't speak Wuss-ese"

    That was great!

    hilarious!

    UUUUP!
  21. jendiggity Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 26, 2001
    star 4
    *snickers on through the latest post* i do enjoy your story very much :)

    *snickers on by*
  22. JediClare Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 8, 2001
    star 4
  23. jendiggity Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 26, 2001
    star 4
  24. JediASolo Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 13, 2001
    star 4
    A: Um...Anakin to Crazy Person. Come in, Crazy Person. I think we should stop, now...

    ROTFLMAO...this is soooo funny [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]
  25. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Vader "chats" with Blind Man:

    (VADER approaches the door of a small suburban apartment, and with a wave of his hand the door flies off its hinges. He stalks inside to find BLIND MAN sitting on his couch, eating an Italian Chicken Melt "Hot Pocket" and watching "Iron Chef"...)

    BLIND MAN: Hey, what are you doing--?!

    (VADER grabs the front of BLIND MAN's shirt and lifts him to his feet.)

    V: Where is the "Vader Monologue" for this week?

    BM: What?

    V: You've been putting up a new installment each week. Where's the new one?

    BM: Um...there isn't one this week.

    (VADER grabs BLIND MAN by the throat, lifts him a foot off the ground.)

    V: Why...not?

    BM: *choke* I've been busy with work...*gurgle*...and overtime...*gasp*...but I did manage to put a new story, "Attack of the Klones"...*choke*...over in Short Attention Span Theater Presents......

    V: Silence! There will be no more shameless plugs of other stories in *my* thread! Do we have an understanding?

    BM: Sure! Yeah.

    V: And you *will* have a new Monologue up next week.

    BM: I'll do my best...

    (VADER releases BLIND MAN, who drops to the floor, rubbing at his throat. VADER leans in, points menacingly at him.)

    V: Don't...fail me...again.

    (VADER stalks back out, cape swirling)

    BM: *gulp*...


    :) Blind Man
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