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The Vader Monologues (humor)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by BlindMan, Dec 31, 2001.

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  1. Kitt327

    Kitt327 Jedi Master star 4

    Dec 23, 2000
    Yeah, go Vader! [face_devil]
  2. Jacinta_Kenobi

    Jacinta_Kenobi Jedi Padawan star 4

    Sep 23, 2001
    You tell him Vader!!!!

    Wait...if you kill him, that means no posts.....

    *screams in fear, then starts shoving Vader away.*


    Vader: Huh?


    *Vader, frightened by a woman with hormones and psychoness on her sides, runs out.*


    He IS right, though.
  3. jade_angel

    jade_angel Jedi Padawan star 4

    Apr 4, 2001
    OMG... that's just as funny as your V/A monologues... damn! How do you do that?!!
  4. Healer_Leona

    Healer_Leona Squirrely Community Mod star 9 Staff Member Manager

    Jul 7, 2000
    Hmmm, as fans of Blindman we may have to do something rash in order to protect him from Vader.

    Leona and others locate the suburban apartment and politely knock on the door.

    BlindMan: (looking down at the small woman and the crowd assembled behind her) Yes, can I help you?

    Leona: Good, we made it in time! (Leona pushes past BM, waving the others to follow)
    You, quick grab the computer! (she orders one of the fans and hurriedly makes her way to the bedroom.)

    BM: Hey!! Wait a minute... what's going on?? (BM follows Leona, finding her throwing clothes haphazardly into a suitcase)

    L: We're getting you out of here.

    BM: What are you talking about?

    (BM jumps at the sound of breaking glass coming from the frontroom)

    L: We're taking you to a safehouse where you won't have to worry over Vader's evil intentions.

    BM: Wait, you can't do that, I work tomorrow.

    A voice yells from the frontroom: Hey Leona, what about the TV?

    L: Forget it, he won't need that where he's going!

    (Leona snaps shut the suitcase, looking up at BM with a benevolent smile.)

    L: We've found a nice little room for you work in. You can continue your writing without the silly distraction of work or tv.

    BM: You guys are nuts!

    (BM makes his way from the bedroom, trying to escape only to be hemmed in by four really big guys.)

    L: It's for your own protection BlindMan... we're only thinking of you... and the fans or course. (Leona chuckles gleefully.)

    (BM tries to struggle as his hands are tied behind him and a hood is placed over his head. He's physically hoisted over the shoulder of a 6' 6", 340 pound fan.

    L: Ok, let's get out of here! (She closes the door to the apartment, now in a state of shambles.)

  5. BlindMan

    BlindMan Jedi Youngling star 2

    Nov 25, 2001
    Gadzooks, I've been kidnapped! :D

    Just don't forget to feed me, okay? And sleep...I get to sleep sometimes, right?

    :) Blind Man
  6. Healer_Leona

    Healer_Leona Squirrely Community Mod star 9 Staff Member Manager

    Jul 7, 2000
    As long as there's posts you'll get your choice of foods, but should writer's block strike, I'm told Yoda's gruel is the best remedy. :D :D

    Sleep, yes of course. Gotta keep those gray cells recharged.

    Oh, and BTW... kidnapping is such a nasty word. I prefer to look on it as protective custody. :) :)
  7. jendiggity

    jendiggity Jedi Padawan star 4

    Sep 26, 2001
    yes, protective custody....although don't do anything bad to my vadey! he's on OUR side here, trying to get us a post, remember?
  8. val solo

    val solo Jedi Master star 4

    Jun 22, 2000
    Please post a new scene.... these are great!!
  9. val solo

    val solo Jedi Master star 4

    Jun 22, 2000
    sorry... double post
  10. JediKristin

    JediKristin Jedi Youngling

    Feb 18, 2002

    These are hilarious enough even without the readers being, um, *overly protective* of BM.

    But.. Maybe Vader will provide enough motivation, don't you think?

    [face_laugh] [face_laugh]
  11. Arwen-Jade_Kenobi

    Arwen-Jade_Kenobi Jedi Knight star 5

    Feb 9, 2002

    New arrival Jedi Ace Squadron member ARWEN JADE KENOBI collapsed in the thread known as THE VADER MONOLOGUES.

    The cause of death is laughter :D

    Never mind she jus woke up but is still laughing insanly
  12. StickmanLt

    StickmanLt Jedi Youngling star 1

    Feb 20, 2002
    (*&$ing hilarious! I showed it to some SW nerd friends of mine and they all just 'bout died laughing. Which isn't necissarily a good thing... I prefer live friends to dead ones... oh well. This is worth losing a few friends for.
  13. Mcily_Nochi

    Mcily_Nochi Jedi Padawan star 4

    Sep 23, 2001
    hehehehehe . . . *innocent look* No, I didn't play a part in the kidnapping, er, protective custodizing . . . *sneaks off to secret control room which she set up for Leona to mastermind the operation* I knew nothing about it, no sir, not me . . .
  14. BlindMan

    BlindMan Jedi Youngling star 2

    Nov 25, 2001
    IN CLOUD CITY (3):

    (Lando leads Han, Leia and Chewie to a dining room, where they find Vader and Boba Fett waiting for them. Han reacts instantly, pulling his blaster and firing. Vader deflects the bolts with his hand, and uses the Force to yank the gun from Han's grip and pull it across the room into his own hand...)

    VADER: (to all) We would be honored if you would join us...

    (Lando and Han exchange words, and the door slides closed, sealing them in.)

    ANAKIN: Man, you go through more gloves with that "deflect the laser" trick...

    VADER: Yeah, but it looks cool. Helps maintain that bad-ass image.

    A: True...

    (Han and the others take their seats. Vader gestures to the platters of food laid out before them.)

    VADER: (to all) Eat.

    (They hesitate.)

    VADER: (to all) EAT!!!!!!!

    (Everyone, Boba Fett included, quickly begins to dine.)

    A: Very subtle.

    V: I'm not in the mood for subtle. I didn't spend all this time slaving over a hot stove just so they could sit there and *look* at the food. And why are they making those faces?

    A: They've probably got indigestion, worrying about being tortured and killed.

    V: Is *that* why they think I've been chasing them? Heavens, no! I just wanted to try out some new recipes on them....I'll have to straighten all that out with them later.

    A: Well, then...maybe you're just a bad cook.

    V: I'm a fantastic cook. I won the "Iron Chef Coruscant" competition, didn't I?

    A: You won because you skewered the other chef with your lightsaber!

    V: Hey, there was nothing in the rules against that....Did Solo just spit some of that Poached Tauntaun into his napkin?

    A: Yup.

    (Vader turns toward Han, and starts to pinch his fingers together in the "Force choke" gesture.)

    A: Whoa! Take it easy there, buddy. Not everybody has your refined taste for food. Let him try some of the other dishes, first.

    (Vader reluctantly eases.)

    A: Maybe you just used too much paprika.

    V: You can never use too much paprika.

    A: But--

    V: You can never. Use. Too. Much. P--

    A: Okay, okay! Sheesh!

    V: It's the wonder spice.

    A: If you say so. Hey, look! The Wookiee's really scarfing up those pigs-in-blankets.

    V: At least *one* of these Rebels has good taste...

    (Boba Fett groans quietly, clutching his stomach.)

    A: I don't think that Steamed Rancor Toe Jam is agreeing with our bounty hunter friend. I told you there'd be trouble with that dish.

    V: But it's a delicacy! Somewhere.

    (Fett groans again, then dashes from the room; moments later, they can hear retching sounds out in the hall.)

    A: Another satisfied customer...

    V: Shut up.

    (Leia sets her spoon down.)

    LEIA: (to Vader) This Dianoga Delight isn't bad, you have any ketchup to go with it?

    (Vader stares at her.)

    A: Uh-oh.

    V: Ketchup? She asks for ketchup?

    (Vader crushes a goblet in his fist.)

    A: Now, just calm d--

    V: KETCHUP?!

    (The window in the room suddenly shatters.)

    VADER: (to Leia) You know, I thought we were just going to share a lovely meal and then go our separate ways. But you want ketchup? You can have all the ketchup you want--in the brig! GUARDS!!!!!

    (Stormtroopers hurry in and drag the prisoners out of the room.)

    A: Man, you really don't take constructive criticism well, do you...?

    V: Don't bother me, now. I have to find a doggie bag...

    :) Blind Man
    Jarren_Lee-Saber likes this.
  15. The_Dead_Parrot

    The_Dead_Parrot Jedi Youngling star 1

    Jan 1, 2002
    That was great!
  16. SuperFilly

    SuperFilly Jedi Youngling star 2

    Oct 16, 2001
    OMG Blind Man! I'm serious, I was really crying! Really really, and I was laughing so loud...I was afraid my parents would come in and ask what the shwzbeep was going on! OMG! Haha!! ::wipes tears:: ahh.. I love it!!!


    ::BTW, I'm taking you into custody next time, after the others release you...if they don't I'll just join their team! It's worth it! LOL ::
  17. DarthXioExodus

    DarthXioExodus Jedi Youngling

    Feb 11, 2002
    your stories are hilarious. ive never ead anyhting funnier. keep up the good work
  18. blueangel

    blueangel Jedi Youngling star 2

    Dec 8, 2001
    ;) ;) ;)
    Vader was trained cooking by Yoda,right?? ;)

    PLEASE GO ON IT`S TOO FUNNY !!!!!!!!!!!

    NEED MORE !!!!!!!!!!!!!

  19. Lieutenant_Page

    Lieutenant_Page Jedi Padawan star 4

    Mar 17, 2001
    oh man, that was excellent!
  20. jendiggity

    jendiggity Jedi Padawan star 4

    Sep 26, 2001
    lolololol!!!! another good one, bm! i was laughing the whole time, very funny! :D :D [face_laugh]
  21. JediKristin

    JediKristin Jedi Youngling

    Feb 18, 2002
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh]


    That was hilarious!!!

    Next you have to do the scene at the end of ESB where they lose the Falcon and Vader just walks off the bridge.

  22. greencat336

    greencat336 Jedi Knight star 5

    Jan 27, 2001
    I just read this straight through and laughed so hard I couldn't breath.

    My favorite bits: Yoda's friends crashing Anakin's birthday party (Bert and Ernie slapping Mace around :D ) and the line about the Jedi Temple accepting boy bands (bring back Suzy!!!)

    Need More Soon!
  23. Kriare2

    Kriare2 Jedi Youngling

    May 9, 2001

    Everybody should have to read this!!


  24. DarthXioExodus

    DarthXioExodus Jedi Youngling

    Feb 11, 2002
    You should do one when the emporer is killing luke
  25. Kitt327

    Kitt327 Jedi Master star 4

    Dec 23, 2000
    I've got this image in my head of Vader wearing a white chef's hat over his helmet and flipping pancakes. lol
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