The Vader Monologues (humor)

Yeah, go Vader!

 

You tell him Vader!!!!

Wait...if you kill him, that means no posts.....

*screams in fear, then starts shoving Vader away.*

GET OUT OF HERE!

Vader: Huh?

YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN EVERYTHING!

*Vader, frightened by a woman with hormones and psychoness on her sides, runs out.*



He IS right, though.

 

OMG... that's just as funny as your V/A monologues... damn! How do you do that?!!

 

Gadzooks, I've been kidnapped!

Just don't forget to feed me, okay? And sleep...I get to sleep sometimes, right?

Blind Man

 

yes, protective custody....although don't do anything bad to my vadey! he's on OUR side here, trying to get us a post, remember?

 

Please post a new scene.... these are great!!

 

sorry... double post

 

omigosh!!

These are hilarious enough even without the readers being, um, *overly protective* of BM.

But.. Maybe Vader will provide enough motivation, don't you think?

 

CASUALTY AT THE VADER MONOLOGUES!!!

New arrival Jedi Ace Squadron member ARWEN JADE KENOBI collapsed in the thread known as THE VADER MONOLOGUES.

The cause of death is laughter

Never mind she jus woke up but is still laughing insanly

 

(*&$ing hilarious! I showed it to some SW nerd friends of mine and they all just 'bout died laughing. Which isn't necissarily a good thing... I prefer live friends to dead ones... oh well. This is worth losing a few friends for.

 

hehehehehe . . . *innocent look* No, I didn't play a part in the kidnapping, er, protective custodizing . . . *sneaks off to secret control room which she set up for Leona to mastermind the operation* I knew nothing about it, no sir, not me . . .

 

IN CLOUD CITY (3):

(Lando leads Han, Leia and Chewie to a dining room, where they find Vader and Boba Fett waiting for them. Han reacts instantly, pulling his blaster and firing. Vader deflects the bolts with his hand, and uses the Force to yank the gun from Han's grip and pull it across the room into his own hand...)

VADER: (to all) We would be honored if you would join us...

(Lando and Han exchange words, and the door slides closed, sealing them in.)

ANAKIN: Man, you go through more gloves with that "deflect the laser" trick...

VADER: Yeah, but it looks cool. Helps maintain that bad-ass image.

A: True...

(Han and the others take their seats. Vader gestures to the platters of food laid out before them.)

VADER: (to all) Eat.

(They hesitate.)

VADER: (to all) EAT!!!!!!!

(Everyone, Boba Fett included, quickly begins to dine.)

A: Very subtle.

V: I'm not in the mood for subtle. I didn't spend all this time slaving over a hot stove just so they could sit there and *look* at the food. And why are they making those faces?

A: They've probably got indigestion, worrying about being tortured and killed.

V: Is *that* why they think I've been chasing them? Heavens, no! I just wanted to try out some new recipes on them....I'll have to straighten all that out with them later.

A: Well, then...maybe you're just a bad cook.

V: I'm a fantastic cook. I won the "Iron Chef Coruscant" competition, didn't I?

A: You won because you skewered the other chef with your lightsaber!

V: Hey, there was nothing in the rules against that....Did Solo just spit some of that Poached Tauntaun into his napkin?

A: Yup.

(Vader turns toward Han, and starts to pinch his fingers together in the "Force choke" gesture.)

A: Whoa! Take it easy there, buddy. Not everybody has your refined taste for food. Let him try some of the other dishes, first.

(Vader reluctantly eases.)

A: Maybe you just used too much paprika.

V: You can never use too much paprika.

A: But--

V: You can never. Use. Too. Much. P--

A: Okay, okay! Sheesh!

V: It's the wonder spice.

A: If you say so. Hey, look! The Wookiee's really scarfing up those pigs-in-blankets.

V: At least *one* of these Rebels has good taste...

(Boba Fett groans quietly, clutching his stomach.)

A: I don't think that Steamed Rancor Toe Jam is agreeing with our bounty hunter friend. I told you there'd be trouble with that dish.

V: But it's a delicacy! Somewhere.

(Fett groans again, then dashes from the room; moments later, they can hear retching sounds out in the hall.)

A: Another satisfied customer...

V: Shut up.

(Leia sets her spoon down.)

LEIA: (to Vader) This Dianoga Delight isn't bad, but...do you have any ketchup to go with it?

(Vader stares at her.)

A: Uh-oh.

V: Ketchup? She asks for ketchup?

(Vader crushes a goblet in his fist.)

A: Now, just calm d--

V: KETCHUP?!

(The window in the room suddenly shatters.)

VADER: (to Leia) You know, I thought we were just going to share a lovely meal and then go our separate ways. But you want ketchup? You can have all the ketchup you want--in the brig! GUARDS!!!!!

(Stormtroopers hurry in and drag the prisoners out of the room.)

A: Man, you really don't take constructive criticism well, do you...?

V: Don't bother me, now. I have to find a doggie bag...


Blind Man

 

That was great!

 

OMG Blind Man! I'm serious, I was really crying! Really really, and I was laughing so loud...I was afraid my parents would come in and ask what the shwzbeep was going on! OMG! Haha!! ::wipes tears:: ahh.. I love it!!!

*Filly*

::BTW, I'm taking you into custody next time, after the others release you...if they don't I'll just join their team! It's worth it! LOL ::

 

your stories are hilarious. ive never ead anyhting funnier. keep up the good work

 

Vader was trained cooking by Yoda,right??

PLEASE GO ON IT`S TOO FUNNY !!!!!!!!!!!

NEED MORE !!!!!!!!!!!!!

ba

 

oh man, that was excellent!

 

lolololol!!!! another good one, bm! i was laughing the whole time, very funny!

 

LOL!

That was hilarious!!!

Next you have to do the scene at the end of ESB where they lose the Falcon and Vader just walks off the bridge.

 

I just read this straight through and laughed so hard I couldn't breath.

My favorite bits: Yoda's friends crashing Anakin's birthday party (Bert and Ernie slapping Mace around ) and the line about the Jedi Temple accepting boy bands (bring back Suzy!!!)

Need More Soon!

 

Everybody should have to read this!!

UP!

 

You should do one when the emporer is killing luke

 

I've got this image in my head of Vader wearing a white chef's hat over his helmet and flipping pancakes. lol