The Vader Monologues (humor)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by BlindMan, Dec 31, 2001.

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  1. piratedreamer Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 2, 2006
    star 3
    Wonderful wonderful fic!!! I've loved every single moment of it, and am greedily waiting with the rest of your fans for another monologue!;)
  2. Lea-El Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 13, 2005
    star 4
    I'm steadily working my way through these and they are so funny. I especially like Suzy that is an original aspect of Vader I never thought of before.[face_laugh][face_shame_on_you][face_laugh]

    I love the interaction between Anakin and Vader. You have some interesting word fights there.[face_beatup]

    Good work
    =D==D==D==D=
  3. Darth_Leia_6669 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 26, 2003
    star 4
    In order to pass the time between new posts, I decided to copy all the Monologues and stories from Short Attention Span Theater into Word to read in the mean time. The Monologues took the longest to copy down, and took up 133 pages in Word! Hope to see more soon, as I've been waiting for the promised fight scene for some time now. However, I do totally sympathize with the pressures of DRL, and hope all is well.

    Anyway, gotta go before my teacher gets mad because I've only been half paying attention.

    --later--
    6669[face_devil]
  4. Fanficfan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 12, 2005
    star 3
    Hey Darth Leia is there any chance of getting that word document? Did you put all monologues in chronological order too?
  5. Darth_Leia_6669 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 26, 2003
    star 4
    No, I haven't had the chance to do that yet, but it has been on my mind to do so. I could send the whole thing by email, if you would pm the address to me. I also have all of Short Attention Span Theater as well, if you're interested in that as well. Just let me know.

    *Looks around* Anyone seen that pesky author anywhere? Where are you, Blindman? Can't you see that we're desperate for another fix? Like that fight scene you hinted at all those months ago? Please?!?!?!?!

    --later--
    6669 [face_devil]
  6. JediKlea Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jun 19, 2002
    star 3
    What? We don't even get a nice Christmas present? *pouts* I want a 'tory!

    *nice face* please? O:)
  7. Fanficfan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 12, 2005
    star 3
    Well it's not Christmas yet JediKlea. No need for panic.
    But it would be a lovely chrstmas gift Blindman, give a story back to the community that have given you... erm... uh... yeah...
    Just give us a story please [face_praying] ;)
  8. Qui-Not-Here-Jinn Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jun 21, 2006
    I've been a fan of your stories for almost a year now... but I haven't replied until now. I love your work, blind man.
  9. dm1 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jun 9, 2004
    star 4
    My goodness, I just caught this on the last few posts! Hilarious, now I have to go back and read from the beginning!!!

    I loved the middle management thing, and re-doing the holorecording from the Jedi temple incident! Taken down by a bunch of younglings, wow!

    [face_laugh]
  10. General Cargin Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 15, 1999
    star 4
    Blind Man - that last one just violated possibly the most poignant scene in the entire Star Wars Saga... I love it!
  11. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    ANAKIN: Woo-hoo! Happy New Year, everybody! Wooo!

    VADER: Must you be so loud about it?

    A: Hey, we've been gone a long time, buddy. We've gotta make some noise to let people know we're back. Speaking of which, where is Blind Man, anyway?

    V: I think he's cowering in the other room.

    A: Hey, BM! Get your lazy butt out here and say something to these *way* too patient readers of yours.

    BLIND MAN: (voice muffled with distance) But they're gonna be mad at me!

    (Vader shakes his head, walks from the room, and returns moments later, dragging Blind Man in by the hair.)

    BM: OW-ow-ow-ow-OW! Will you stop?! (he extricates himself from Vader, rubbing his sore head.)

    A: Now, do you have something to say to everyone?

    BM: They're gonna kill me for being gone so long.

    V: (chuckling) I know. It's going to be great. I've got the camera set up and everything.

    A: Just tell them you're sorry...

    BM: I am, but--

    (Vader smacks him across the face.)

    V: Stop waffling and be a man, already!

    BM: Ouch! All right, I'm sorry!

    A: Don't tell us, tell them.

    BM: (facing the readers) I'm really sorry for being gone so long.

    A: And it'll never happen again...

    BM: Well, I can't really guarantee that, Real Life being what it is and--

    *smack*

    BM: Ouch! (glares at Vader) What is your deal?

    V: Hello? Evil? My New Year's Resolution was to be more domineering...

    A: You're off to a great start, buddy.

    V: Thanks!

    BM: (to readers) I'll do my very best--

    (BM flinches as Vader raises his hand warningly)

    BM: --to make sure it doesn't happen again and I thank everyone for their kind words regarding the last monologue and I'm working on the next one right now and it's going to cover the entire fight on Mustafar and I'll post it just as soon as it's ready and I appreciate your patience with me! (takes a breath)

    *smack*

    BM: (glaring at Vader) What the hell?!

    V: Heh. Sorry. It was just...y'know...a reflex. Now get to work, you hack...

    BM: I'm going, I'm going...

    (Blind Man wanders from the room, muttering obscenities about the Sith...)

    A: (to the readers) Folks, don't worry. We'll make sure he gets back on track.

    V: If he doesn't, we'll cut off his supply of rocky road ice cream.

    A: Oh, now that's evil even for you!

    V: Isn't it?

    A: See you soon, everyone!



    :) Blind Man

  12. Handmaiden_Rabe Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Nov 2, 2003
    star 5
    [face_laugh] Oh, you make me love those two. :p *gives BM ice cream and hopes for more soon* [face_praying]
  13. Stargazer-19 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 29, 2004
    star 2
    Donating a dozen cookies to the Blindman Fund.

    Here's hoping for a quick posting!
  14. Ascal_Elessar Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2004
    star 3
    *smack*

    BM: Ouch! (glares at Vader) What is your deal?

    V: Hello? Evil? My New Year's Resolution was to be more domineering...

    A: You're off to a great start, buddy.

    V: Thanks!


    [face_laugh] Can't wait for the big fight scene.


  15. Master_Kiona Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Sep 20, 2002
    star 1
    *.* I was two behind!!!

    New years resolution: spend more time on theforce.net :D

    Awesome awesome awesome.

    V: Heh. Sorry. It was just...y'know...a reflex. Now get to work, you hack...

    Reflex..lol Vader has such highly attuned force powers... Or something.

    And the comments from the post before about the chicks? Awesome. I had a giggle fit. :)

    EDIT: btw, Darth Leia, would you be willing to send me your word version of the monolouges? Pretty please?
  16. amidalachick Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 3, 2003
    star 5
    (Ten minutes later, Vader regains consciousness on the chamber floor.)

    A: (laughing) Dude, did you just get your butt handed to you by a bunch of five-year-olds?

    V: I most certainly did not!


    [face_laugh] :_| [face_laugh] This monologue gives a whole new meaning to this exchange in RotS...

    Obi-Wan: "I saw a security hologram of him...killing younglings."
    Padme: "Not Anakin. He couldn't."

    VADER: (aloud) Nothing can stop that now.

    A: Except, y'know...medical treatment.


    [face_laugh]

    Hilarious as ever, BlindMan!
  17. Darth_Leia_6669 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 26, 2003
    star 4
    Master_Kiona asked: Darth Leia, would you be willing to send me your word version of the monolouges? Pretty please?

    As long as the much revered Blindman doesn't mind, I would be willing to send a copy of what I have to anyone who wants it. Just PM me with an email to send it to.

    *taps her fingers imaptiently on the desk*

    I'm still waiting for that fight scene, along with your other loyal readers. I'd really hate to have to send Vader to pay you another visit!

    --later--
    6669
  18. DarthBreezy Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Jun 4, 2002
    star 6
    [face_laugh][face_laugh][face_laugh]

    Poor B.M. He gets double the thwacks!!


    We'll be here!!!
  19. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    V: Hello? Evil? My New Year's Resolution was to be more domineering...

    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    Always happy to see more here. Mustafar??? Oh now I'm all excited. [face_dancing] Any chance on a PM when that's up? [face_batting]
  20. LilyHobbitJedi Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Aug 29, 2005
    star 5
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] HILARIOUS! Can't wait to see the Mustafar scene!! [face_dancing]
  21. AnakinsFavorite Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 10, 2006
    star 5
    A: Hey, we've been gone a long time, buddy. We've gotta make some noise to let people know we're back. Speaking of which, where is Blind Man, anyway?

    V: I think he's cowering in the other room.

    A: Hey, BM! Get your lazy butt out here and say something to these *way* too patient readers of yours


    *falls out of chair laughing* I love how you write like this? I can?t exactly put it into words, but? *sobs*

    V: Stop waffling and be a man, already!

    BM: Ouch! All right, I'm sorry!

    A: Don't tell us, tell them.


    Ah! So THAT?S the secret! We have to sic Vader/his multiple personalities on you for posts *evil plots*[face_mischief]

    BM: --to make sure it doesn't happen again and I thank everyone for their kind words regarding the last monologue and I'm working on the next one right now and it's going to cover the entire fight on Mustafar and I'll post it just as soon as it's ready and I appreciate your patience with me! (takes a breath)

    *smack*

    BM: (glaring at Vader) What the hell?!

    V: Heh. Sorry. It was just...y'know...a reflex. Now get to work, you hack...


    *Snorts into cereal* This is just too funny? you?re killing me here!

    Oh, please update soon!
  22. DunedinJedi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jan 22, 2007
    star 3
    Great youre back again .. and even with yourself :D
  23. piratedreamer Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 2, 2006
    star 3
    That was too funny!

    V: Heh. Sorry. It was just...y'know...a reflex. Now get to work, you hack...

    hehehe. Love it.

    *stands in line with BM's other loyal readers for the next fantastic monologue*
  24. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    *slinking back in a month later*... :p



    ON MUSTAFAR (2):


    (Padme's ship arrives on Mustafar. She rushes out to meet Vader.)

    ANAKIN: Man, look at the gut on her. She's really let herself go.

    VADER: She's pregnant, you idiot.

    A: That is *not* the run of a pregnant woman, dude. I think she's been hitting the pork rinds a little too hard...

    (Padme hugs Vader, tells him she's worried about him.)

    PADME: Obi-Wan told me terrible things.

    VADER: What things?

    PADME: He said that you'd turned to the Dark Side. That you'd killed younglings.

    A: Yeah, you sure showed those younglings, huh?

    V: Hush up...

    (Padme tells Vader that Obi-Wan knows their secret, wants to help them. Vader explains that he's doing this to protect her, plans to overthrow Palpatine and rule the galaxy with her. Padme begins to back away.)

    PADME: I don't believe what I'm hearing. Obi-Wan was right. You've changed.

    VADER: I don't want to hear any more about Obi-Wan. The Jedi turned against me. Don't you turn against me.

    PADME: I don't know you anymore. Anakin, you're breaking my heart. You're going down a path I can't follow.

    VADER: Because of Obi-Wan.

    PADME: Because of what you've done. What you plan to do. Stop. Stop now. Come back. I love you.

    A: She's making sense, man. Maybe you should just--

    (Vader see Obi-Wan inside Padme's ship, at the top of the ramp.

    A: Oh, this is *so* not going to end well...

    V: *gasp*! Obidala! The rumors were true!

    A: Don't be ridiculous. He's way too busy with all those handmaidens!

    VADER: (aloud) Liar!

    A: It's true! He's got so many notches in his belt, there's no belt left--it's all notch!

    V: Well, this just seals it--no more Mr. Nice Guy.

    A: You left Mr. Nice Guy territory quite a while back, man. But it's not too late to turn back.

    V: Yes, it is. Even if I wanted to, she's with him, now.

    PADME: (looking at Obi-Wan) No!

    VADER: You're with him. You brought him here to kill me!

    A: They aren't together. Even if they were, you could still win her back.

    V: How?

    A: The key to a woman's heart is two words, my friend: foot massage.

    V: You're kidding.

    A: Try it!

    (Vader reaches out a hand, and begins to Force Choke Padme.)

    A: Foot! I said foot!

    V: Sorry, sorry! It's all this damn ash in the air--it's throwing my aim off...

    A: So let her go, already!

    V: Oh. Yeah.

    (Vader releases Padme, who drops unconscious to the ground.)

    V: You think she'll be mad...?

    A: Strangulation's not much of a turn-on, I'm afraid...

    V: This is all Obi-Wan's fault!

    A: Oh, sure, it's always someone else's fault...

    (Vader and Obi-Wan begin to circle each other, Obi-Wan telling Vader that the Dark Side has twisted him, Vader countering that he sees through the lies of the Jedi and has brought security to his new Empire.)

    A: Your new Empire?

    OBI-WAN: Your new Empire?

    A: Is there an echo in here?

    VADER: (aloud) If you're not with me, then you're my enemy.

    OBI-WAN: Only a Sith deals in absolutes. I will do what I must.

    VADER: You will try.

    (Vader flips through the air, and their lightsabers clash.)

    A: This is so pointless...

    V: No, it most definitely is not. I'll teach this lousy wife-stealer not to cross me! Mr. High-and-Mighty Jedi Master! Mr. Look-at-my-sexy-beard! Mr.--

    A: Oh, now, come on! Just because you can't grow any facial hair doesn't mean you should take it out on him!

    V: Yes it does! Yes it does! I've been living in the shadow of that beard for years--no more! Beards will be outlawed in my new Empire! Beards will be a death sentence!

    A: You have got some serious issues, dude...

    V: Said the voice in my head.

    A: Okay, you've got a point there. But still...


    (The fight takes them onto a walkway over flowing lava.)

    A: Hey, while we're on the topic of policies for your new Empire, you might want to look into some kind of handrail initiative.

    V: What?

    A: Look at this--you're on a walkway over liquid hot magma, with no handrails. One wrong step and *poof*! This place is a work
  25. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9

    V: *gasp*! Obidala! The rumors were true!


    Screams with laughter!!

    A: Strangulation's not much of a turn-on, I'm afraid...

    Well from what I've heard.... ;)

    A: You have got some serious issues, dude...

    V: Said the voice in my head.

    A: Okay, you've got a point there. But still...


    HA!!!

    OMG, Blindman you made me laugh at that scene. I can't beleive it possible to laugh while Vader's burning up. [face_blush] [face_blush]

    Brilliant post and always worth watching this thread. :D :D

    Edit: And I got first post?!? Whoo-hoo!!!! :p


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