The Vader Monologues (humor)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by BlindMan, Dec 31, 2001.

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  1. piratedreamer Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 2, 2006
    star 3
    A few favorite moments from the last two monologues:

    V: *gasp*! Obidala! The rumors were true!
    [face_laugh]
    A: Foot! I said foot!
    Gotta love the voice of reason there ;)
    A: There! You see? That synchronization was beautiful! You two should be working *together*, not against each other! It's almost like someone choreographed this entire thing!
    :eek: Who woulda thunk it?! [face_thinking] You know what? This whole thing works together so well someone ought to make a movie out of it!!! oh wait...nah, the dialogue can be a little too cheesy...it'd never make it in hollywood:p
    A: Yes, but that was a *dry* heat. This is more of a melt the flesh from your bones kind of thing...
    Yes, well, I suppose that might make a slight difference
    V: What's life without a little risk, eh?

    A: Longer! Definitely longer!

    [face_laugh]
    V: It's tucked into my left boot.

    A: Oh, bitter, bitter irony...

    Well, you are the master of irony, BM
    A: So... when's he building the other one?
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] :oops: :_| [face_laugh] [face_laugh] Bad image! bad image!!

    Loved them both, BM. PM me for the next?@};-

  2. Knight-Ander Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 19, 2002
    star 4
    Yeah, what everybody else said. :D

    Excellent job! =D=
  3. justicejedi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 8, 2006
    star 3
    my goodness, you are so funny! [face_laugh] espiecally the lightsaber fight!! that was just gold!!
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] Obidala! The rumors are true!! [face_laugh] [face_laugh]
    I just might put that in my sig, if it's alright with you...oh Master BlindMan
  4. Raptor517 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 12, 2006
    star 4
    I just read this thing in one shot, and I haven't laughed that hard in.....well, forever. Put me on the PM list, man.

    This has been difficult, reading it in the college library. I keep trying to suppress this laughter, and it's not working...

    Raptor517
  5. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    (After yet another too-long absence, Blind Man slouches into the room, having returned again from toiling in the vast wastelands of Real Life.)

    Hello, all! :)

    A quick welcome to the new readers; and another "thanks for putting up with me disappearing again" for the veteran readers. ;)

    Glad you enjoyed the last monologue! As penance for my absence, I was hoping to post a "double feature" with two monologues for the price (?) of one--but I ran out of time. So you only get one. :p




    ON MUSTAFAR (3):


    (Having slaughtered the Separatist leaders, Vader stands on a balcony overlooking the flowing lava rivers of Mustafar. A tear courses down his cheek.)

    ANAKIN: Are you...crying?

    VADER: What of it?

    A: I don't know, it's just...I didn't think Sith Lords were allowed to cry. Or, y'know...real men.

    V: Hey, I'm a tragically fallen hero. I'm emoting.

    A: Yeah--like an eight-year-old girl.

    V: You calling me a sissy?

    A: If the frilly little dress fits...

    V: I only wore that dress the one time! And I didn't have a choice--it was Padawan Hazing Week at the Temple. The older Knights made me do it, or they wouldn't let me become a Knight, too.

    A: Yeah, just keep telling yourself that...

    V: It was either wear the dress or endure a barrage of Force Wedgies. Not a tough choice. They say Yoda chose the Wedgies--and that's why he walks with a cane.

    A: Uh-huh, uh-huh...doesn't explain why you kept the dress, though.

    V: That's...I, uh...shut up!

    A: Hey, good comeback.

    V: Stop trying to ruin my moment, here! This is supposed to be a heartbreaking moment of reflection on choices made and paths not taken.

    A: Wow. Deep.

    V: Exactly. I'm a man of many layers, you know.

    A: Right. And some of those layers have no problem wearing nylons and high heels.

    V: They matched the dress, all right?



    :) Blind Man
  6. Laine_Snowtrekker Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 8, 2003
    star 5
    Great monologue! Hilarious as always!

    Thanks for the PM. It made me happy. :) Thanks for taking the time to send it. :)

  7. Fanficfan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 12, 2005
    star 3
    One word: Onions...

    Great stuff Blindman. I'm so glad I'd already swallowed my fool when I read that otherwise it'd have been sprayed. Hopefully not so lonmg between now and the next [face_praying] Please?

    fanficfan
  8. Raptor517 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 12, 2006
    star 4
    A man of many layers....right.[face_laugh]

    Raptor517
  9. Ascal_Elessar Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2004
    star 3
    They say Yoda chose the Wedgies--and that's why he walks with a cane. [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    Awesome, hysterical as always. Great job.
  10. Jedi_Master_Cazz Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 13, 2005
    star 4
    Oh Anakin! [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh] You da man!

    Somehow... the whole Yoda-wedgie thing *Waves hands about* That MAKES SENCE![face_laugh] :p 8-}

    Regular Pm's would be great!

    Cheers_Cazza@};-
  11. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Laine_Snowtrekker : Thanks for taking the time to read! Glad you enjoyed it...

    Fanficfan: Thanks! Hopefully not so long until the next. Hopefully...[face_praying]

    Raptor517 : Thank you!

    Ascal_Elessar : Thanks!

    Jedi_Master_Cazz : Thank you! Will do, on the PM request...

    (And if anyone else wants me to PM them when I've posted new monologues, just let me know... :) )


    :) Blind Man

  12. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    V: It was either wear the dress or endure a barrage of Force Wedgies. Not a tough choice. They say Yoda chose the Wedgies--and that's why he walks with a cane.



    Good lord!!! [face_laugh] [face_laugh] That image is going tp stay, I just know it! :p

    May I also be added to the PM list??? [face_praying] [face_praying]
  13. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Healer_Leona : Sure thing! Thanks for reading! :)


    :) Blind Man
  14. justicejedi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 8, 2006
    star 3
    Please PM me when the next one is published!
    Hilarious as usual...I thought onions = Shrek. [face_laugh]
  15. Stargazer-19 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 29, 2004
    star 2
    A: Right. And some of those layers have no problem wearing nylons and high heels.

    V: They matched the dress, all right?


    [face_laugh] It really is all about the accessories.

    Great post, can't wait for the next one!
  16. piratedreamer Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 2, 2006
    star 3
    Thanks for the PM!!!

    [face_laugh] All I can say is that Suzy's been around quite a while....
  17. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    justicejedi : Will do! Thanks! :)

    Stargazer-19 : Thanks! :)

    piratedreamer: You're welcome! She has indeed... :)


    Well, everyone, looks like we're heading into the home stretch on this; unless my memory's horribly faulty, there are only a few more scenes left to do. Next one should be up within the week. Thanks for reading!


    :) Blind Man
  18. DarthBreezy Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Jun 4, 2002
    star 6

    NONONONONONO!!!

    Sorry - just no. Sorry BM - the monologues are too deeply ingrained in our collective to ever really end -

    HOWEVER there's nothing wrong with a sequel you know - Obi-Wan verses Old Ben....


    Ben: Mos Eisly Space Port... You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villiany!

    Obi-Wan: Oh give me a break! You just don't want to risk running into Madam Sleebaggo and your souvenir - sorry, I mean - "Love child"...




  19. astroanna Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 8, 2002
    star 4
    DarthBreezy, I think I speak for all of BlindMan's loyal readers when I say...

    BEST IDEA EVER!!!!

    If you do decide to do Old Ben/Obi-Wan, BlindMan, rest assured I will be reading from page 1!!!

    In the meantime, great job on the latest monologue and post again soon...

    Please?

    :(

    :p
  20. piratedreamer Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 2, 2006
    star 3
    :_| BM, I hate to see the Monologues coming to an end, but as long as you continue to give an outlet to your creative [and quite hilarious] genius here at the Boards, I'll be first in line to read anything new!!![:D]
  21. astroanna Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 8, 2002
    star 4
    OK, not to steal BlindMan?s thunder, but I couldn?t resist... :p

    ON THE DUNE SEA

    Obi-Wan takes one last lingering look at the baby Luke in Beru?s arms, then, with a deep sigh, turns towards the dusty sands of Tatooine.

    When he wakes up the next morning, he spends several long minutes staring at the beige ceiling above him...

    Ben: What are you doing?

    Obi-Wan: Who?s that?

    B: Name?s Ben...what?s up?

    OW: ...not much...except that I apparently have gone mad...

    B: Not at all...I?m just here to bring you out of this...mood you?re in...

    OW: Mood? I?ve just lost my apprentice, my best friend...not to mention the entire Jedi Ord-

    B: Yeah, yeah, yeah, no use crying over spilled blue milk, ?kay there, Obi? What you?ve got to do now is start planning for the future...

    OW: And exactly what future would that be?

    B: *sigh* So dramatic...listen, buddy, you?re not getting any younger...retirement, college for Luke, those aren?t going to pay for themselves, OK?

    OW: Could I maybe get dressed before I start thinking about long-term financial goals, here?

    B: If you must....

    OW: I have a bad feeling about this.....


    OK, OK, so I'm no BlindMan, but hey, if it gets the ball rolling, I don't mind taking a few proverbial tomatoes to the face...

    *dons protective helmet*

    OK, fire when ready! :D
  22. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    DarthBreezy : A sequel, eh? That's a definite possibility. Must ponder...[face_thinking]

    astroanna : Thank you! And no tomatoes from me! ;)

    piratedreamer : No worries, I'll be sticking around the boards. :)


    And here's the latest!


    ON CORUSCANT (2):


    (After finishing his business at the Jedi Temple, Vader arrives at Padme's apartment, docking his ship at the landing pad.)

    ANAKIN: You sure this is the best idea, coming here? She's not going to approve.

    VADER: I have to make sure she's all right. I'm doing all this for her, after all.

    A: And what do you plan to tell her? "That smoke? Oh, somebody just burned a casserole in the Temple cafeteria. Don't worry about it." Or maybe, "Hey, honey! I just slaughtered the Jedi, and I'm starved. What's for dinner?"

    V: Don't be ridiculous. Although now that you mention it, I am rather hungry...

    A: Hungry enough to eat Padme's cooking?

    V: Hey, her food's not that bad. Besides, I didn't marry her for her cooking.

    A: I know. You married her because she's freakin' hot.

    V: No, I married her because she's a smart, strong, capable, independent woman.

    (pause)

    V and A: (in unison) BAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

    A: Dude, stop it. You're killing me!

    V: Oh, I knew I wouldn't get through that with a straight face...

    A: I mean, she *is* all of those things, don't get me wrong...

    V: I know, I know. But so freakin' hot...

    A: Oh, man...We are complete and total pigs.

    V: Oink. Wait, here she comes.

    (Vader and Padme embrace. Padme asks what's happening; Vader tells her the Jedi are revolting, and that he saw Master Windu try to assasinate the Chancellor.)

    PADME: Oh, Anakin. What are you going to do?

    (Vader turns away.)

    A: Abandon your ideals, betray everyone you know, and become the most heinous evil the galaxy has ever seen?

    V: It sounds so bad when you say it like that.

    A: How would it *not* sound bad?

    V: It's all in how you spin it. Watch and learn.

    A: Oh, please. She is *so* going to give you a swift kick in the power coupling and walk away.

    V: Just watch...

    (Vader turns back to Padme.)

    VADER: (aloud) I will not betray the Republic. My loyalties lie with the Chancellor. And with the Senate. And with you.

    V: Damn, I'm smooth.

    A: Don't go patting yourself on the back just yet, sport.

    (Vader goes on to tell her about his mission for the Chancellor, and asks her to wait for him. They kiss.)

    VADER: (aloud) Please, wait for me.

    (Vader boards his ship and flies away.)

    A: Okay, I've got to admit I'm a bit impressed. You didn't even have to use the Jedi Mind Trick on her.

    V: Nah, it wouldn't have worked anyway.

    A: Because she's so strong-minded?

    V: That...and because chicks are masters of messing with people's minds--I wouldn't have stood a chance!

    A: Oink!


    :) Blind Man (donning his asbestos and ducking for cover! ;) )
  23. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    A: I know. You married her because she's freakin' hot.

    V: No, I married her because she's a smart, strong, capable, independent woman.

    (pause)

    V and A: (in unison) BAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!


    Too funny!!! [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    V: That...and because chicks are masters of messing with people's minds--I wouldn't have stood a chance!



    Wow, he really is smart huh? :p

    I would love to see you do a sequel with Obi-Wan. [face_good_luck]
  24. piratedreamer Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 2, 2006
    star 3
    V: Hey, her food's not that bad. Besides, I didn't marry her for her cooking.

    A: I know. You married her because she's freakin' hot.

    V: No, I married her because she's a smart, strong, capable, independent woman.

    (pause)

    V and A: (in unison) BAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!


    Love it, love it, love it!!!! You truly have mastered the art of humor. Can't wait for whatever is next!

    ~piratedreamer
  25. justicejedi Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 8, 2006
    star 3
    I didn't believe him for a second! Thanks for the PM, and a sequel would ROCK!!
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