The Vader Monologues (humor)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by BlindMan, Dec 31, 2001.

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  1. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Thanks, everyone! :)

    More to come! (But not much more... ;) )


    :) Blind Man
  2. Darth_Leia_6669 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 26, 2003
    star 4
    Wow! I come back after a few months and there's three new posts. Still shouldn't read these in the library though! [face_laugh] And what's this about a sequel? I can't wait to see what that's going to be like!!!!

    --later--
    6669 [face_devil]
  3. sheep21 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 27, 2004
    star 2
    long time lurker back again, nice one BM. Keep up the good work :)
  4. Stargazer-19 Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Dec 29, 2004
    star 2
    A: All right, just for the sake of argument, suppose the Jedi did take over. You know they could do it without bloodshed--and it'd actually be kind of wizard!

    V: It would be a nightmare. They'd just sit around meditating, and nothing would ever get done.

    A: Because the Senate gets so much done now, right?


    [face_laugh]
    Speaking as a political science major, this cracked me up!

    and after watching Stardust, I have to agree that the movie was fantastic , personally Septimus and his brothers were my favorite!!!
  5. Leia_Sith_Lady Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 17, 2006
    I found this today and have not stopped laughing since I woke up. I can't pick one part that I think is the best.
    One of the best fics I have ever read. I'd love a sequel!

    Keep up the awesome work!
  6. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Good to see some familiar faces back! :) And a new one, too! (Welcome, Leia_Sith_Lady :) )

    Glad you all enjoyed the last one...

    Just dropping in for a quick update: as far as I can tell, there are only a couple more monologues left. Ideally, I would have gotten the penultimate one started by now. But I find myself in an un-ideal situation, with an injured hand that's quite hampering my typing abilities. (I'm typing this now with one hand-- 'tain't easy, let me tell you. :p ) Until the bones knit, new posts might be scarcer than usual around here--and the sequel's definitely been pushed back...:mad:

    Hopefully it won't be too long a wait--I'm sure you've all had enough of that... :)

    I'll try to figure something out, but if you see even less of me than normal--now you know why.

    Thanks for your patience...it really is appreciated! :)


    :) Blind Man
  7. astroanna Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 8, 2002
    star 4
    Don't worry, BlindMan, we'll keep your thread warm for you! ;) :)

    Feel better, and let your hand heal properly...

    (Last thing we need is a BlindMan with carpal tunnel...)

    Later!

    :)
  8. Darth_Leia_6669 Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 26, 2003
    star 4
    Hang on there Blindman, and heal that hand up real good cuz you know that we'll make you work double time once it heals nice and proper. [face_devil] And don't think I won't send Vader after you if you start slacking too much! I'll give you some time first though, to make a complete recovery. But with the situation I'm in right now, I need a good dose of funny, so don't take too long!

    --later--
    6669 [face_devil]
  9. Shiro-Oni Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    May 3, 2005
    star 2
    Woah! I havent stopped in here since like...january. before that, even! But this stuff is still amazing, Blindman! I would love to see a sequel.

    Heal Well, and take your time with it. Health before work, man.
  10. Idrelle_Miocovani Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Feb 5, 2005
    star 6
    Just dropping a note that

    1) You are a complete GENIUS, Blindman! [:D] [:D]

    2) I've been reading off and on over the years and am finally not going to lurk anymore! :D

    A: All right, just for the sake of argument, suppose the Jedi did take over. You know they could do it without bloodshed--and it'd actually be kind of wizard!

    V: It would be a nightmare. They'd just sit around meditating, and nothing would ever get done.

    A: Because the Senate gets so much done now, right?

    V: Good point, but still.

    A: And the Jedi might not get anything done--but they'd be doing it with lightsabers! Which is just so much cooler than doing nothing *without* a lightsaber.

    V: Lightsabers do make everything cooler...


    [face_laugh]

    Tis true, tis true! :D

    A: And Mace would have made a great Chancellor. 'Cause you know he would have been all, "I am tired of these mother effin' filibusters on this mother effin' bill!"

    [face_laugh] [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    Oh dear. :p

    Anyways, I hope your hand heals all right and that you'll be back soon! [:D]
  11. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Thanks for the well-wishes, everyone! :)

    Still stuck with the one-handed typing, but getting more accustomed to using my "off"-hand for everything. Might even be able to squeeze the next monologue in sooner, rather than later! We'll have to see....Stay tuned! :)


    :) Blind Man
  12. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    Back in action (mostly)! Still dealing with some issues, but I can type normally again! Woo-hoo!


    ON MUSTAFAR (4):



    (Having slaughtered the Separatist leaders, Vader stands before the facility's holo-unit.)

    ANAKIN: So what now?

    VADER: Now...I call Palpatine and tell him that the Separatists are dead. But first...

    (Vader activates the comm unit, and the blue hologram of a Gungan appears.)

    GUNGAN: Tank-a you for calling da Gungan embassy. How-sa mesa helpin' you?

    A: By practicing your grammar?

    VADER: (aloud) I'm on a mission for the Senate, and require a piece of vitally important information from you.

    GUNGAN: (suddenly more alert) What information?

    VADER: Now listen closely. To the best of your knowledge...is your refrigerator running?

    GUNGAN: Why yes-a, it is.

    VADER: Well, you better go catch it! Hah!

    (Vader slaps his hand on the off button. Silence fills the room.)

    A: You. Have got. To be kidding me.

    V: What? That was beautiful!

    A: If by beautiful you mean completely stupid.

    V: Hush. I'm just getting started.


    (Ten minutes later...)

    VADER: (aloud) ...That's right. Thirty pepperoni pizzas and twelve orders of buffalo wings. For delivery. My name? Owen Lars...

    (Vader ends the call.)

    V: Classic!

    A: This is the most childish, inane thing I've ever seen.

    V: Childish? It's sinister! He's gonna have to pay for all those pizzas or be totally embarrassed!

    A: Ugh.

    V: Hey, just because you can't appreciate the subtlety of my evil...

    A: Please. This is about as subtle as "pull my finger".

    V: Another bit of evil-ness I'll have to try! Thanks!

    A: I wasn't giving you--whoops, heads up. Looks like Palpatine's calling *you*. Must have gotten tired of waiting.

    (Vader answers the holo-comm, and tells Palpatine that the Separatists leaders are dead. Palpatine orders him to send a deactivation signal to the droid fleets. As the call ends, Vader glances over, sees Padme's ship approaching on the sensors.)

    V: What's she doing here?

    A: Heading for disaster and heartbreak?

    V: Well, whatever she's here for, I've still a minute until she arrives. Enough time for one more call.

    A: Will you stop? What next, you gonna call Bail Organa and ask him if he's got Prince Xizor in a can?

    V: Oooh, yeah! You're just full of good ideas today!

    A: *sigh* I can see I've got my work cut out for me, here...




    :) Blind Man

    (Up next, the grand [?] finale...)



  13. Fanficfan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 12, 2005
    star 3
    V: Hey, just because you can't appreciate the subtlety of my evil...

    A: Please. This is about as subtle as "pull my finger".

    V: Another bit of evil-ness I'll have to try! Thanks!


    Just tell me this, who is Anakin to talk about being subtle? He's about as subtle as a baseball bat to the face.

    By the way, as you commanded I went and saw Stardust... =P~ So good. I hope they turn more of Neil Gaiman's stuff into movies.

    Good to see you back BlindMan, can't wait for the Grand(?) Finale...
  14. Raptor517 Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Sep 12, 2006
    star 4
    Lol. Go catch it! Man, where do you come up with these things? Good to have you back!

    Raptor517
  15. Jedi_Master_Cazz Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 13, 2005
    star 4
    Sardonic Skywalker humor. Awesome.:cool:

    Cheers_Cazza@};-
  16. Ascal_Elessar Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2004
    star 3
    VADER: Now listen closely. To the best of your knowledge...is your refrigerator running?

    GUNGAN: Why yes-a, it is.

    VADER: Well, you better go catch it! Hah!
    [face_laugh] [face_laugh]

    That was brilliant, so sad these are coming to an end.
  17. Laine_Snowtrekker Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 8, 2003
    star 5
    Coming to an end? That's sad.

    But this post was hilarious. [face_laugh]
  18. Healer_Leona Manager Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Jul 7, 2000
    star 9
    Well, looks like Vader has finally lightened up which was what Anakin wanted.


    Grand finale?!? Already? :( :(
  19. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    True, true...

    Now, if I could just get more people to do as I command, I could RULE THE WOR--! er, I mean, they'd see a fantastic movie. Yeah, no global domination schemes here. [face_whistling]



    Raptor517 : Thanks! Good to be back!

    Jedi_Master_Cazz : Thank you!

    Ascal_Elessar : Thanks!

    Laine_Snowtrekker : Well, they had to end sometime. Just plain ran out of scenes. As far as I can tell, anyway--there might be something I missed; in which case, there might be "lost" monologues posted at some point in the future...


    Oh, just wait...:p[face_mischief]



    Just so's you all know--the final monologue *has* been written. No months' long wait for you to endure! [face_dancing] I'll post it within the week, most likely. Unless I get hit by a bus, or something. In which case, you'll never know how it ends! [face_devil] AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--!

    (Sorry, maniacal laughs just seem to be slipping out more and more often...)

    See you soon!

    :) Blind Man
  20. amidalachick Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 3, 2003
    star 5
    Yay, a new monologue! So funny, as always!

    (Vader slaps his hand on the off button. Silence fills the room.)

    A: You. Have got. To be kidding me.

    V: What? That was beautiful!

    A: If by beautiful you mean completely stupid.

    V: Hush. I'm just getting started.


    [face_laugh] [face_laugh]
  21. BlindMan Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 25, 2001
    star 2
    And so...we reach the end.

    I want to take a moment to thank everyone who's read these silly little things over the years, and put up with my frequent--and often annoyingly lengthy--delays. I couldn't ask for a nicer group of readers. :)

    I hope you've had fun!



    ON ENDOR (3):


    (Having defeated the Empire and destroyed the Death Star, the Rebellion celebrates with the Ewoks on Endor. Luke Skywalker sees the spirits of Obi-Wan and Yoda; then, materializing next to them, the spirit of Anakin Skywalker--a distinguished-looking older gentleman, thank you very much. Leia arrives and leads Luke back to the celebration.)

    ANAKIN: Yeah, this is nice. Good triumphs over evil, and I'm back in the saddle, baby. Very nice.

    VADER: Kind of weird, though. I'm so used to being in the driver's seat.

    (pause)

    A: Uh...what the hell are you doing here?

    V: Beats me. I'm not in charge of these things.

    A: But you shouldn't even exist anymore! You sacrificed yourself so that the good could prevail. That's me!

    V: Calm down, you're going to blow a gasket. Heh. Gasket. Get it? Because I used to be all machinery and gaskets and--

    A: Yeah, I get it. But you should be gone, no offense.

    V: Offense taken!

    A: Come on, I spent decades trying to steer you back onto the right path--and that was hard work, let me tell you.

    V: Oh, please. You enjoyed tormenting me all those years.

    A: Well...yeah, okay, you've got me there. But still, after all that, I deserve to just head off into a quiet, peaceful afterlife. You know?

    SUZIE: Good luck with that, sport.

    A: You're here too, Suze?

    SUZIE: Of course! Can't leave my two favorite boys alone--who knows what kind of trouble you'd get into without me? Ooh, there's my boy Lando! Lookin' good Calrissian! Wooooo!

    A: This is so completely not fair...

    (pause)

    V: So, uh...you just going to stand here grinning like a lobotomy patient, or are you going to do something useful?

    A: Well, if I can ditch Obi-Wan and the Muppet, I think I might just head on over and join the party.

    V: Sweet. Gonna bust some funkilicious moves with those Ewoks?

    A: Bust some what?

    V: You know--boogie down!

    SUZIE: Yeah! Good to see you've finally taken the stick out, Vader! Let's boogie!

    V: Boogie!

    VADER and SUZIE: (in unison) Boo-gie! Boo-gie! Boo-gie!

    A: Man, what is with you? You seem uncharacteristically chipper all of a sudden...

    V: I know, isn't it weird? It's like a tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders--and dumped onto yours! Hah!

    A: You know, this isn't nearly as much fun when you're on the receiving end.

    V: Get used to it. Because we're going to be with you forever and ever--

    SUZIE: --and ever--

    V: --and ever--

    SUZIE: --and ever--

    V: --and ev--

    A: I get it! I get it!

    V: Heh-heh. I think I'm going to enjoy eternity. What's that old saying about payback...?

    A: *sigh* Man....Redemption sucks.



    THE END



    :) Blind Man

    (see you in the spin-off!)
  22. Laine_Snowtrekker Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Jul 8, 2003
    star 5
    [face_laugh]

    Great, as always.

    Now, if you ever write a 'lost' monologue, I'd be happy to know about it!
  23. Fanficfan Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 12, 2005
    star 3
    I think that the time between the second last monologue and the last monologue is the shortest we've ever had to wait... lol kidding ;)

    Seriously though, poor Anakin, he's gonna get an eternities worth of payback from Vader. I can't wait till they re-incarnate and Suzie is the main personality (Lady Vader). The two guys will giver her so much crap...

    Can't wait for the spin-off. Pop me a PM when you start it? [face_praying]
    fanficfan
  24. astroanna Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Jul 8, 2002
    star 4
    *applauds*

    Great ending to an even better series, BlindMan... :)

    I can just see it now, Anakin, Vader, and Suzie together forever...and ever...and ever...

    Oh, the possibilities...

    Loved it, Blind Man, and I can't wait for the spin-off...

    Congrats, again! :)
  25. Ascal_Elessar Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 3, 2004
    star 3
    Fantastic as always, gutted it's now come to an end. Cant wait to see what you've got planned next.
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