THE WEEKLY TRUE NEWS OF THE SITH

This thread is dedicated to the memory of the true Doctor of Gonzo Journalism and one of the greatest writers of our time.

DR. HUNTER S. THOMPSON ? R.I.P

(This news article is based on actually events that will happen in the future. I know this because I have a time machine and you do not.)

April 2nd the foul year of our lord, 2005

THE WEEKLY TRUE NEWS OF THE SITH
Fear and Loathing ? The death of the collector

Some people could have called it the lullaby of a thousand nations. When the chaos begin at 12:01 in the AM.

There are rare moments in your life when you stop and say.

?HOLY CHRIST!!! DID I JUST DO THAT????

This was one of those moments. At an old Native American burial ground now known by its new name, WAL-MART where I put my fist through the nose of the lowest form of life this side of the cosmos.

THE LINE BREAKER.

This poor soul had been caught red handed breaking line to be the first to try the new Star Wars Fritos. This fool must have lost his mind. Could he not see that my friend and I and six midgets had been waiting in this line for a good 26 minutes in anticipation of the treat from a galaxy far, far, away.

We quickly took the free promotional stickers that we had been given and used them to tape his eye lids wide open as his mint on the card buttocks cried in terror for his mother at the sight before him. I started to tear into the blister of the mint on card 3 and 3/4 action figure of Perky Pregnant Padme. After 7 minutes and 32 seconds of this hell on earth the poor line breaking fool passed out in his own cold sweat.

He awoke in the morning in the tent of the old burial ground to the high pitched squeals of children laughing and attempting to use the force to get more Star Wars fruit snacks. Then the pain set in again as he realized that six midgets with light sabers were now demonstrating the new interactive star wars game for the children with his head as a training remote.

My friend and I left the tent that morning to the sound of silver shopping carts bashing the pavement of the parking lot as a horde of Star Wars fans marched toward their destiny like Orcs marching from the black gate. With credit cards held high over their heads they began to buy plastic toys with plastic money and swiped their souls through these card readers that immediately knew. How many children you had, what time you used the bathroom and that you liked to play in peanut butter with your action figures while humming the star spangled banner.

My friend bought the early bird. I, well I bought Darth Tater. We were only 8 hours into the 48 hours of the force. Who knows what?s in store for the next 40.

May the force be truly with you all?

 

awesome read, thank you for the news updated.

 

man, you guys are crazy!


i can so see this happening!