Amph The Writers' Guild

Would anyone be interested in turning this into a slightly more formal process. Nothing to indepth, but having a rolling review list where we can submit something for people to critique, and then have people commit to feedback on it?

Just an idea for perusal.

 

I'm not sure if this has been asked here before, but I was wondering people here focus on more- story or characters?


Personally, I've always believed that a lackluster, not-so-epic plot can be made amazing by the right characters.

 

Or absolutely brilliant writing. Such as in Ursula K. LeGuin's case, with A Wizard of Earthsea.

 

So i got sick of hearing all the false allegations so i have decided to create a short story labeled "Ninjas and Pirates" it is a conclusive and detailed explanation of what would happen in the situation where the two faced off against eachother. It will be glorious, because the outcome is so apparent, yet some people have false assumptions about who would win. Idiots, really. I will post it here when i am finished, if you want.

 

ooh, interesting. I'd love to read that one when it's finished. Maybe you could write one about Pirateninjas vs Ninjapirates too...

And for the first time in ages I actually wrote down a story I had in my head. A rather short and silly little story. Here it is for anyone interested: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/40901989/

 

Please take some time to review my latest work: "Stalker."

 

Oh dear, what is this thread doing down here?

I just read it, and I must say that I'm impressed by how well-written it was. Good story too. "...but that thought was immediately taken behind the outhouse and introduced to a .30-30 slug." I just loved that quote, hahaha.

 

It was a good story.

The starting didn't grab my attention. But it did slowly pick up. and turned out to be a good story overall.

I enjoyed it.

 

Coruscant told me about this place I have a small story which i've done for homework

What do you think of it?

sorry about the long post


story:

The year is 2980 and earth has begun to explore deep into space. Technology has evolved in some what a slow manner in parts but has greatly improved in others.
5 years before this story begins humanity runs into an alien race that sees humans as a danger to them and so they begin a war against the humans. Humanity retaliates and so war across the galaxy begins. The story looks through the eyes of one solider who has been through 2 years of this war and begins to wonder if either side will ever win.


The storm clouds were gathering as I turned a looked back and from then I realised that they were back. The enemy was back again and it was starting to hit us that they would never cease. This war doesn?t seem to be changing, although I haven?t been in the military as long as some of the others here, I?ve watched and seen most of it on the news stations. This whole war started because of our beliefs that we are not the only ones out here and now we know we are not alone, but maybe we were better off not even knowing. I don?t know much about them ones that attack us but we have given them the name of ?Ruhn? and they seem to have technology same to ours. The best way to describe the Ruhn is that they are lizard humans; they had the eyes and skin of a lizard and the body of a human. They always bring storms to wherever they attack, maybe as a way to strike fear into us. I?ve lead a battalion of men for only a month after our last commander was killed and it is very hard work. Most of the men who were in the battalion from the beginning have been killed and replaced by other soldiers, I never really got to know them as well as I have the ones who were here from the beginning. The ones I know well are: James parks who is our coms unit, Pete Jones a sniper, James Anderson a medic, Paul and Mark twins who are both basic troopers, Kurt Fredric a heavy weapons specialist, Eric Adams who is a standard trooper and Me Alec Watson once a standard trooper but promoted to battalion leader. As the clouds gathered the thunder began to rumble we could see on the horizon their army marching forward and in the sky their mechanical terrors all heading towards our base. In total their army marching towards us must be around 6000 and we only have 8 battalions which give us a total of 4800 men altogether. It had only been 6 hours after the last attack and the commanders were given a procedure to follow if the base was attack which was every unit there would split into groups to cover the 3 sections of the wall (the base is backed against a mountain): a battalion on each section of the wall, another battalion to man the heavy cannons dotted all over the walls, one battalion to cover the wall where the gate is, one battalion to man the tanks and vehicles and the rest dotted around where the weak points of the base is. As the time went by we only managed to be fully ready for them just as the Ruhn arrived outside our walls. They had boarding portals which was placed against the wall and the Ruhn would simply step into it and be on our walls, they also had assault cannons which was usually used as a weapon to fire on infantry positions and buildings, along with Ruhn ground units they also had with them the terrifying ?crows? flying machines with mechanical arms used to grab soldiers and pull things apart, They were named crows after the pest bird back on Earth. As I was standing there staring at the Ruhn I noticed one of them looking straight at me., It?s yellow eyes glairing at me seemed to have me captivated but just the base commander gave the order to attack. The heavy cannons opened fire letting out massive bursts of heat rays that teared apart sections of the Ruhn?s army. The Ruhn returned with fire from their assault cannons shooting large balls of heated yellow plasma that at first missed many of our building and hitting into the mountain. All of the commander?s got a message from t

 

I'm sorry, but I'm a stickler for presentation.

I would love it if you broke it into paragraphs.

 

How in the name of...

 

If any of you are interested, here's a sample from a short story I did. It's actually the last bit of writing I've done for a month or so, as I've become discouraged by countless rejection letters from agents and publishers.


Anyway, I hope some of you enjoy


ETERNAL NOCTURNE

Analise could not bring herself to meet her husband?s eyes. By the look of him, Garrett had been beaten before he was dragged here to hang numbly in front of her in the grip of two women of the night. Blood leaked from his torn lip and onto the neatly trimmed beard growth of his chin, and the flesh around one of his eyes had begun to swell. His clothes, simple garments consisting of a dark tunic and trousers, were ruffled and made filthy with the grime of his ordeal.

Unable to look at him, she nervously glanced about the midnight panorama around her. They were atop of a high hill, just on the outskirts of the town of Suttonsville. The only source of light came from the twinkling stars in the heavens above, serving as witness to the evening?s horror. Apart from Analise herself, only the two night women holding Garrett and the man responsible for this tragedy were present.

Valian, her personal tormentor, kept himself close to her, standing just a single step behind her, as if he were drinking in the scent of her presence.

This is his fault, his doing! Anger and anguish almost encouraged her to spin about and strike that accursedly seductive face of his. But her hand remained still, burdened by the guilt of knowing that this was as much her doing as it was his. My fault?my sin was the carriage that brought us to this dark place. Traveling deeper into the fragile sanctuary of her mind only reminded her that it was her own weakness to temptation that had allowed Valian to sway her with his charms when first they met at the local pub. Within herself, she could muster no defense against the horrible truth. She had been all too eager to forget and betray her husband and the marriage they shared that night, and now she confronted the consequence for weakness and wickedness.

A breeze swept through the evening air, stirring the hair of the night women across from her. Yet still they stared at her, both of them smiling with mischief in their eyes as their tresses cascaded over their fair faces. The one to her husband?s right was gorgeous in her flowing dress of white, her golden hair stroking at the wind as though with a lover?s affection. Her curves were ample, her lips full, and her smile was something promising of both pleasure and pain. The woman to Garrett?s left was almost the exact opposite, but no less alluring. She was a lithe and slender thing, with long dark curls and large, doe-like eyes set in a round, pretty face. Between the two of them, Garrett looked sorely out of place as they each held him effortlessly with a single arm beneath each of his.

?Do it,? she heard Valian whisper into her ear from behind, his lovely lips nearly caressing her pale flesh. She shivered at the sound of his voice, ecstasy mixed with terror. So soft his voice, a commanding song to which I have become a slave. The agonizing sensation was made all the more intense as the wind brought a ticklish touch of his long, auburn hair onto her cheek. ?Prove your love for us, Analise. Prove your love for me?and remove him.? As he purred into her ear, his hand slid into hers a delicately curved dagger fashioned with a golden pommel.

Her fingers coiled about the hilt and she nearly squeezed her eyes shut in some attempt at retreat. Again he was tempting her, making her feel the seductive fire of pleasure in his words. She wanted to thrust her arm out, to plunge the knife into Garrett?s soft chest and watch as his blood gushed forth. The thought instantly brought to her a surge of panic, and she bit down on her lower lip. He?s my husband, she tried to remind herself. I love him!

This was wrong, she knew, terribly wrong. It had been her choice to walk down this

 

Hey Valyn, I really liked that sample. Nice amount of suspense. And I was so happy that she actually used the sword when she turned on them. It feels like I've read a lot of stories where characters doesn't use their weapons, they just drop it in fear when they need it the most.

I finished another short story today. For the easily amused I hereby present "Sticky Situations": http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/44208207/

 

I'll be checking out your story in a bit. Thanks for reading mine

 

In the meanwhile, here's an excerpt from the Fantasy novel I'm currently working on. Hope you enjoy.


Though forgotten and buried by time, the lore of ancient Darnok Terien was often the abode of great wisdom. The elapsed words of that secret convent once taught that the past is but the foundation of the present, not the diktat by which we forge the future.

The future is made in every breath we take here and now.

-From ?Tragic Truths? by the Dreamer of the Bloodied Blade and Shadow of Sorrow


BURDEN OF HISTORY

400 years ago?

Keil Las?Demar, Shadow Warrior of Darnok Terien, stood alone in a secluded chamber within the upper level of Darnok S?Ludos, the Citadel of Shadow, home and heart to the outcast elves of Darnok Terien. He stared out a large, faceless window that overlooked the desert spread before him, rolling on and on as far as the eye could see. The fading day?s heat danced upon the faraway dunes in waves of menace and oppression.

The young elf looked down at the stone around him. Darnok S?Ludos, a massive spherical dome that took the painstaking labor of more than three hundred human slaves to shape and erect, had stood here, in the heart of the Spurna?else desert for more than a thousand years. Across from the window he now stood by, he could see one of the four soaring sentinel towers, each of them shaped in the likeness of robed and hooded elves.

A breeze came from the desert to whisper through his long locks of silver hair, stinging his face with beads of hot sand. So thick was the silence in the ancient fortress that the wind made an echo around him, eerie and imploring, as if warning of death to come. Once that wind would have been drowned in the noise of gathering elves, of battles between Shadow Warriors waged in the arena below, of lectures and diatribes hosted by venerable sages and masters of the Order.

Now only the silence of looming death lingered, brought here as if by the harsh desert wind, a creeping storm beseeched by the human Meithcael?s ascendancy to supreme power within the order. Meithcael, Keil?s mentor, his Kressil, revered teacher and sponsor in this, the coterie that elves of Shanakri had deemed to be called Darnok Terien, the Cult of Shadow.

Keil?s faint, crystalline blue eyes continued to stare out into the desert, as if attempting to thrust his vision through the blurred waves the desert lifted in defiance to beings of flesh and water. Somewhere across that vast, empty distance was Meithcael, Master of Darnok Terien, the Lord of Shadow.

Meithcael would come, he knew. The human?s patience was not eternal, and he would expect Keil, his honed and trained assassin, to have completed his assigned task of decimating the Order?s last voice of significance.

?Keil.? Her voice was a caress upon his pointed ears, soft but strong, possessing of a power he himself felt forever deprived of. He turned to look at her from over his shoulder, watching as she approached him. She walked with a grace that defied time, the fabric of her swishing, gray robes pouring from her body like the cascading water of an Amastrian waterfall. As she drew near to him, he temporarily lost his breath in awe of the dance of sunlight upon her crimson tresses. From beneath that veil of red hair, brilliant eyes of emerald stared up at him, the corners of which were ever so slightly sharpened and defined by elvish age. ?What are you doing here? We have lessons that must be covered.?

He looked from her and to the desert beyond the exposed window. ?I was trying to find time,? he murmured in a tone that mixed rebellious scorn and boundless sorrow.

The combination brought a brief look of pain into her eyes, but she quickly pushed it aside, regaining an air of composed superiority. ?We haven?t the time for you to find more. Meithcael??

?He would have expected me to have killed you by now,? the Shadow Warrior coolly interrupted. ?This has been my argument since you began to teach me without his knowing. You a

 

Aside from a few typos (and lack of spacing to help my aging eyes! ), it was funny. I laughed

At first, I was kinda' wondering how Criff was going to get down. I thought he would just snake his way along the branch's length until he reached the end and then just scoop the rope up over the end. But then...

 

Got another story that's ready for some more reads. It has been sent for publication in a revised form.

 

Thanks for liking the story . Great to hear that someone think it's funny.

Ah, typos... I'll never get rid of them it seems.

 

It's great to see my little thread is still going, in any case though I'm working on a story tentatively titled Brimstone and Traildust, it's about one of Satan's children usurping him and casting (and banishing him) from Hell, he is unable to return to do to a barrier erected during the banishment process and so he is forced to wander the Earth as he still has dominion over that.

I've come up with a decent enough plot outline (I never plan this terribly much though, my stories are mostly character driven, and Satan is too dynamic to pre-script terribly much) but would like opinions to what direction I should head with this story, if the plot-line is believable, and are there any "must see" scenes I should throw Satan in, the options for tongue in cheek humor is limitless. (Though it isn't a comedy)

-The Scummy-

 

The very beginning of Twilight.


This is not the full first chapter and the first chapter is more of a prologue that introduces us to the antagonist of the story.


Any feedback will be appreciated.



The storm had hit hard and fast, Turannos stood valiantly at the steering oar trying to hold the small bireme steady as his two remaining deckhands Estevao and Zotico valiantly tried to drop the large square sail that was pulling the boat about. The wind whipping back and forth gave the two men little chance to take up any slack on the lines holding the sail in place.
?Cut the damn thing? Turannos shouted through the noise.
What had started out to be a simple fishing trip for his village, had turned into a death struggle against nature in all it vicious glory.
?Poseidon should look out for small boats as well as Brizo? he thought as he grimly held onto the creaking oar.

He saw one of his deckhands running through the gloom towards the mast and thought he saw the glint of light of a blade. ?The lines at either end, cut them and the sail will flap free? he shouted. ?We lose this drag and we can sit the storm out, make some repairs and then head in.?

He watched on as one side of the sail suddenly came free and started flapping uselessly in the wind which had just started to intensify again, he saw then that it was Zotico who was trying to cut the sail free and that Estevao was standing idly yet again, he was about to get Estevao to start getting the galley oars out when the bireme started bucking against the waves as the wind dragged it about. Turannos lost his footing and the steering oar slipped from his hand as he tumbled to the deck he skidded on the wet surface as he scrambled to his feet desperately trying to grab hold of the oar before it fell over the side into the raging sea.

?Damn it all? he muttered as he just missed grabbing it, ?we?ve lost control now boys, we have to get that sail down or we?re done for? he shouted to the deckhands as he jumped down into main hull to assist. He saw that Zotico was already cutting furiously at the other line as he got to the mast, with a twang the line broke free and the sail started flapping uselessly against the mast. ?The trailing lines may be dangerous so we?d best take cover until the storm dies, get over here? he instructed the two men as he hunkered down towards the rear of the small craft.

?These wallowers aren?t meant to take this kind of beating? he muttered
?We could push out the oars and me and Estevao could try to bring us about boss? Zotico suggested muc to Estevao?s dismay.
?It?s not worth it? Turannos replied, ?The wind is too strong and it?s whipping up too much swell, the two of you could never hope to guide us in or even hold us in place and the effort you?d put in to try would kill you, if we had the rest of the men I would have considered it but as there?s only three of us left?.?
Turannos continued ?We?re only a short distance from shore and we should get pushed back in sooner rather than later so we may only have to make a few repairs before we get back to the village, we may not have many fish for them but at least we?ll be alive and if we can get some more men we can go out again to find the nets we dropped.?
?But boss we have no idea where we are? Estevao responded ?and even if we did we have no idea how to fix this boat if we beach, it may be small but it was at least in one piece when it was found on the beech.?
?Your point being?? asked Turannos
?Well, this was a small warship and we?ve turned it into an undermanned fishing vessel and it gets used for trade down the coast but none of us have a clue how to fix it. We have no tools for the job and no one experienced in repairing boats as Timon?s went over the side with the first big wave. If we beech and we beech hard or we come up on a rocky beech we?re going to have no way of repairing any damage done to the hull, without getting back out to sea we?re going to have no idea on which way we need to go home, we could be stranded boss.?

Turannos could

 

I tend to write soft(er) sci-fi and dark fantasy (read: vampires, werewolves, you get the idea) more than anything else. I'm trying to prepare a few short stories for publishing right now. I've hardened some of my science so Analog and Asimov's would be a bit more willing to accept. And, in case that dark, Earthian fantasy isn't acceptable to my known fantasy mags (Realms of Fantasy, World Fantasy Magazine), I'm writing a medieval fantasy novelette. In the meantime, I'm trying to write my full-length sci-fi novel (think Lord of the Flies/Dread Empire's Fall). This means that my fanfiction has suffered, but I just want to get published in some form and get a check in the mail, so to speak.

I actually wanted to write mystery/suspense novels first, but trying to break through in those genres is almost impossible. It took Dean Koontz twenty years before he wrote a bestseller, and that was in the sixties-seventies-through the late eighties before his novel Strangers popped up on the lists. I can't imagine what it's like now.

Once I think one of the shorts are publishing-ready I'll show you guys soon. In the meantime, if you want a general idea of what my prose looks like (I have two styles: a plainer one for sci-fi, which you guys don't really see on this site, and a fancier, more detailed one for fantasy which is the one I generally use here) check my profile and sig for fanfics.

 

I'm trying to write a book atm, and it's not going too badly, though I am a little busy so I've not had much time to write it. The problem is that, while parts of it are going well, there's little to keep it together, the chapters don't flow continuously in one story, it's like a lot of stories joined together. Does anyone have any ideas how I can change things so that it flows better?

 

Don't attempt to make chapters. Just write out one big narrative and worry about dividing it all later, or even let your publisher/editor worry about it.

I stopped making chapters in my manuscripts in 2003 and haven't made a single chapter since, on any of my projects.

 

Hello, i'm new to this forum, but this thread looked interesting.

I'm working ojn a fantasy novel called soulless right now, here's an exert, please tell me what you think.
Soulless
By Daniel Morton


4543A.T.L.E.K Artus, the dead moon?..

Imperator Mortuussomes looked over his throne room. Even after spending many centuries unmoved in there, it was still interesting. The walls were filled with portraits, many wonderful portraits, but these were not normal portraits. He saw the painting of an old human woman suddenly change into a portrait of a 4 year old elfin boy. These portraits showed death, and with each death, a new subject in the kingdom whether it be spirit, spirtless, or half spirit??..

His second in command Animusin, Imperator Vernula, stepped inside. His face was emotionless as always, for he was a half spirit strong in body, where as Mortuussomes was strong in spirit ever remaining on his throne. Animusin always depressed him, for his body was that of a young fourteen year old cut down in his childhood. ?Lord Imperator, the Prophets of the Soul Taker have answered your question? Animusin said in his ever emotionless tone.

?Yes?? Mortuussomes asked.

?They said that your visions have been confirmed? Animusin said with a little curiosity shown in his face. The emotion must have been strong for it to even show a little bit.

?You seem curious? Mortuusommes said.

?Yes.? Animusin told him ?it must be fairly urgent to ask the Prophets during the summer.?

?It is,? Mortuussomes confirmed ?I have had many visions as of late, which tell of a time when our world of the dead, and the world of the living, will be intertwined??

? Impossible sir, as you know the only way to and from our worlds are portals which only spirits and half-spirits can generate? Animusin said.

?The visions were confirmed Animusin, Mortuussomes replied , ?you doubt the worlds of the almighty soul keeper??

?Of course not sir, but I still can?t??.? Animusin tried to state but Mortuussomes interrupted.

?Then you must take a small party to the world of the living, sign an agreement with the king there, understood??

?Yes Imperator? Animusin said, and left the throne room?

 

Alright...I write (a bit) and have been viewing this thread for some time w/o posting. And I was inspired to get an account at this oft-used Writing.com site. And I'm bad at making links, so if anyone cares, you can view my story here:

http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1216507

It's short, so far...and kinda weird. If anyone likes it, I could write more.

Thanks in advance to anyone who cares.