~The Writer's Lounge~

.oOo..oOo..oOANNOUNCEMENTOo..oOo..oOo.

I've been considering the creation of a thread in the Ampitheatre where people can post their essays, commentaries, criticisms, etc. I don't know about others but I've retained many of my papers, inluding the advice added by professors and I wouldn't mind sharing my information with other JCers. This thread would serve two purposes:

1. It is a place for the JC to pool its knowledge so people can get help in terms of research on various essay topics.

2. JCers will be able to hone their writing skills by reading other people's papers and seeing how their professors have responded to them with feedback (notes, grades, etc.).

Posters who've submitted their work to this thread could then provide a cohesive list of links in either the Writer's Louge or they could be edited in to the first post the thread by a Mod.

EDIT: RMCOY has created this thread, it is called The Scholar's Lounge, a nice touch by Rogue 1 1/2. Feel free to stop by anytime folks.

~PAd

 

anyone?

 

Hey Valiowk, I just read Legacy, and I must say I thought the beginning was very well-done. The story is also pretty cool too. I think you really have a piece that could be expanded into a novel length, or at least a longer short story. Good job overall.

I'd post some of my writing if I got around to typing it up(I'm not one who writes at the computer), but that may never happen.

 

~~ANNOUNCEMENT~~

I know us "Reviewers" have not been reviewing lately, and I just wanted to say I am sorry, but you have to understand this week is the end of the Term for some of us. This week I have my finals. Once this Friday is over I should be able to get back to reviewing. Also, I'm sorry if it takes me awhile to get to your stories, but I go in order, so if you recently posted your story it's going to take awhile to get to it.

Thank you.

~~ANNOUNCEMENT~~

 

darth_name, good beginning. i like to read a fun story now and again. now i wonder what other misadventures will go on. keep us posted on any more parts.

a few small typos:



The guy when on for a little more. replace when with went.

that's what a professional hitman would think. hit man is two words.

...doorstop stealing bastards. great line. add a hyphen for doorstep-stealing.

Will grinned, "Plently, I'll tell you in a minute but first thing's first." make it plenty.

He left the room for a minute and came back with an enormus tarp. make it enormous.

A forty-year old red haired who greeted you the same way everyday. make sure you add woman so we know what you are talking about.

and then Will revieled his next part of the plan. make it revealed.

I said feeling as though this man was carzy...just a few minutes late of everyone else. make it crazy.

Just wait here and tie this rope around the the tarp and the desk." remove one of those the's.

I could've swore up a storm but I was too scared. it should be sworn.

The client wanted to see proof, sorry I should've explained that. try ...proof. Sorry, I...

Of course I didn't know I was gonna be unconsious...is that hand?" make it unconscious. and you might be thinking of is that his hand?"

Wow, there are some villianous people in the world. make it villainous

Uh oh spagettios. make it spaghettios. another great line, though.

 

Everyone check out the Scholar's Lounge if you have some free time.

 

lol yeah I'm known for horrible spelling.

 

ditto what Mrs. Kitty said. Finals this week and next... kind of hectic. But THEN I have winter break

-sj loves kevin spacey

 

What do you mean by Reviewers? Is it like only a certain group of people can review/edit a story posted here? Because I love reading stories (and am a Reviewer for the Archives ) and would love to comment on a few that are posted here (and in the Publisher?s Lounge).

Aun

 

The reviewers here are simply three formal reviewers of sorts who actively review stories that are posted here. Anyone can give their comments, of course .

 

Ugh! I just reviewed (more like beta-read) a story, and then checked out more fully over here, and saw that nobody else did that kind of a thing? But since I took the time to beta-read it extensively, I will just post it here, and keep it in mind to not do that for other stories.

Valiowk : I did your story, the Legacy .

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Legacy
A gust of wind blew violently upon the frail, tattered cloth that acted as a curtain. The tiny three- [ room ?roomed?] apartment that I lived in was pitch black, save for the rays of light from the fourteen-inch television that illuminated a small part of the kitchen. I sat on a wooden stool, my eyes fixed on a screen before me; a small square piece of paper, folded twice over, within my clasped hands.

[ On the blue background of the screen, white numbers appeared the sentence would flow better if you said: ?White numbers appeared on the blue [background of the ? can be deleted: extraneous information] screen?] , [ sound muted dangling modifier, I believe. It is the television that is muted, not the screen.]. 37, joining the 3, 7, 18, 23 already there. I shut my watery eyes, not daring to pray, just waiting for what would happen to occur. Five seconds passed, and I opened my eyes. 44, the screen showed, with a clarity that stung me bitterly. I buried my face within my hands and sobbed uncontrollably. Within my mind, there was only misery.

The lottery ticket slipped from my hands and unfolded itself on the stone floor. 3, 7, 18, 23, 37, 44, it read. *Sniffle*
---

[ My name is Mara Mirga. It is a Gypsy name, as befits one who is of that race. Try combining the two sentences into one for a better sentence-flow.] I am not ashamed of my heritage, [ nor is my elder brother Roman Hmm; after reading further down the paragraph, I realized that ?Roman? is his name. You do realize that the clause has a double-meaning, don?t you?]. [ The Gypsies of Russia were a good people ? and are a good people, what is left of them. Awkward sentence. Consider revising.] Yet to others whose only knowledge of Gypsies is our fictitious palm-reading, we are a race not to be trusted. So it was in Russia, where one Midsummer?s Day my father disappeared without a trace when I was but a ten-year-old child; so it is in Canada, [ which my mother spent the last of her [ meagre spelling error: ?meager?] savings to send Roman and [ I ?me?] to, two months later awkward. Try something like ?to which my mother spent the last of her savings ??] . [ No doubt I think the phrase you were looking for is ?But even?] in Canada life is hard for a Gypsy [ who remains untrustworthy after ten years in the same neighbourhood nope. Can?t put it here because the sentence comes out saying that life is hard for a particular kind of Gypsy (one who remains untrustworthy) not all Gypsies. I don?t know if that?s what you intended?.] ? my brother Roman, who has first class honours in physics, can only get a job as a lowly-paid technician [ who ?and?] has to slog day and night for a living; I [ as ?was?] luckier [ , ?;?] [ with my blond hair and blue eyes few recognise me as a Gypsy I think ?with my blond hair and blue eyes, I am rarely ever recognized as a Gypsies? would work better] , and I have a decently-paid job as an accountant. Yet I am grateful to my mother for sending us to Canada; at least we no longer have to fear Russia?s powerful military, controlled by the Kremlin.

When the night grows dark, and the rain lashes at my window, I am reminded of the fair land that I call ?home?, and of my mother who promised us that she would join us in Canada once she managed to obtain the money for another ticket. One month after Roman and I arrived in Canada, we received a scrawled letter from a relative in Russia, informing us that our mother had died o

 

a_s, that's pretty high speed! as far as i know, we usually do not review like that in order to keep this thread from getting extremely oversized.

if you see something like...

The cat walkd towards me. replace walkd with walked.

hopefully the author remembers the story enough to find which sentence we are referring to. that will keep the size of the thread down.

 

Just posted a short story I recently wrote titled "The Bell." It's based on a short piece known as "A Christmas Memory" for those of you who might have read it, though quite different. All the contructive criticism and feedback anyone can give me will be well appreciated!

~*Senoj*~

 

I've been having writers block

 

I've been having writers block

1. Go put on some really great music and try to translate the sounds you hear into the english language.

2. Sit down and write a bunch of gibberish, an unintelligible sequence of random words until you stumble on to something.

3. The best thing you can do is to go out into the outside world and live your life, but you can call it homework if you'd like. That place, "out there" is one the greatest sources for inspiration, and it is constantly renewing its facilities.

~PAd

 

i just want to know what people think of this i wrote this but it means nothing- im not depressed or anything so dont worry about me!

All I think about is the things ive done,
As my trembling hands hold up the gun
Thinking back I realize it was all the past
With my life in my hands, it just wont last
In my brain I realize that there is no light,
I just gave up, it knew it couldn?t win the fight.
The figt of my life, my will to keep living,
Whether or not to fill up the grave I was digging.
Standing above it I feel just so tall,
To bad my life is about to take a fall.

Ive slit my wrist and ive cut my chest,
Im not sorry I feel this way, im not like the rest.
Their happy lives, their joyous lil smiles,
My anger and hate are hidden in ecstatic piles.
My suffering isn?t enough, I cant stand another day,
I?ll do it now, this bullet is my lifes pay.
If I could show u what I have achieved,
It would be next to nothing I just cant believe.
Im ready now, my mind is settled,
I feel the cold from the metal.

Yet I see my mom?s face slowly appear,
The moment though brings up my fears,
My happy thoughts slowly shine though,
I remember when she mouthed out ?I love u?
The gun slowly lowers along w/ the tears,
Im just feeling the force that was against my ears.
The thoughts of fun flow through my head
Im starting to think im better off not dead.
A smile takes over my wicked frown,
The light flickers off the wet ground.

The gun wasn?t on safety when it fell out of my hands,
I thought I would be safe wherevere it lands.
I remember thinking the times would get better,
I was even thinking of writing my girl a letter.
But the gun hit the ground w/ such a force,
For I moment I thought my breath had gone hoarse.
But the stabbing pain of a lifeless heart,
I figured out my life and I would have to part.
It wasn?t my fault the gun accidently went off,
Just when I felt I was gonna start all new, or so I thought.

i know its not the best guys ive only been around for 17 years so dont expect the best

 

thanks Pad

I'll try that.

 

jedisenoj, very good visualization. your story made me feel like i was there with Athy. the character development was strong for such a short story. according to my sub-par english skills, there were no errors except for the intentional ones.


acklaybreeder, that was... depressing. graphic as well. there were a few spelling errors, so:

several missing punctuations like ive, im, etc.

The figt of my life. make it fight.

To bad my life is about to take a fall. make it too

I?ll do it now, this bullet is my lifes pay. add an apostrophe for possession. my life's pay.

I thought I would be safe wherevere it lands. change to wherever.

It wasn?t my fault the gun accidently went off, make it accidentally.

those were all the errors i could find. i'm not a huge poetry fan, so i will let someone else critique the stanzas and the flow.

 

Thank you pkloa!

And Aunecah, actually, many of us would love it if people went through our stories and gave a good deal of constructive criticism. I'd kill for anyone to beta-read my story. *hint hint, nudge nudge, *

~*Senoj*~

 

id like to write a novel, but the only little problem i find is what to write about? then i can get started, i might continue on my unfinished My Great Plane Allegory for Life . it started off good but i stopped when i had to write my critical essay for 1984 and Brave New World . i hate writing critcal essays they are way too controlled.

~~Lady Legolas~~

 

JediSenoj451 : Your wish is my command, milady. Anyway, here's the story:

~*~*~*~*~*~
[ Look up! I think the exclamation point here is unneeded. ] A mobile of sparkling stars, glittering presents, dancing elves, twists and twirls as it hangs from the chandelier.

[ Mountains of brownies, gangs of gingerbread men, and cookies lack of parallel construction; consider revising] showered with snowflake-like sprinkles clutter the counter.

Sniffing the air, [ one ?you? or ?I? would work much better] can detect a whiff of chocolate and hint of cinnamon creeping out of the oven?s cracks.

I love Christmas, for it is a time when [ reindeer fly shouldn?t it be ?reindeers fly??] , angels visit the [ earth ?world? would work better] , and most importantly, a fat, friendly old man named Santa delivers presents.

I watch as a black mouse clad in cherry red shorts and cream-colored gloves [ sings grammatically incorrect: ?sang?] ?Jingle Bells? on the TV.

?It?s not [ FAIR, how about an exclamation point instead of a comma? ] ? I holler and begin pounding the wooden table with my fist.

?How am I s?posed to sing along [ if I can?t read Mm.. confusing. When reading this story for the first time, I thought this kid was young enough to not be able to read. Modify the sentence; perhaps say she can?t read it as fast as the words scrolled along.] ??

My mother stops stirring the garlic-mashed potatoes [ that she is preparing for dinner possibly redundant] and glances at me.

(My real name is Athoa, which my mother [informs not very likely that a kid uses these words. Just say ?tells? ? that sounds much more like a kid?s thoughts] me means ?innocence? in Greek, but she likes to call me by my nickname [ "," ] Athy.)

["]I think I?ll tell you a story called [ ?The Polar Express.? Technically speaking, quotes inside quotes should be single quotes: ?Polar express? ]

I slide [ into ?onto?? ] her lap.

[The next sentence could benefit from a new paragraph of its own.] My mother is gone now, and there is no one left to play the instrument.

When I think about it, the nine-foot Christmas tree towering about me does not appear as high as it once did, and the star perched at its top seems to shimmer a little less than I [ remember ?remembered? I think] .

I look back at the ornament placed in the palm of my hand. A teardrop falls onto the [ heart?s surface redundant: ?heart? ] .

Shrieking, he runs in circles around the rocking chair, grasping the toy airplane I gave to him [ for ?as? I believe ] an early Christmas present.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Overall, this was a wonderful story. I take it Athy's mother has some kind of a cancer? At any rate, I have some overall comments to give (I hope I'm not being too cynical):

Firstly, a lot of times, you wrote dialogue like we speak it: "Whaddja say" and "How am I s'posed ..." etc. The problem is that authors usually don't write like that because it detracts the readers from the story until they can figure out exactly what the words in the sentence are.

Secondly, the ending was a little awkward. The whole story brought along a sad yet poignant feeling and suddenly the ending just evoperated it all away. By the ending, I'm talking about the conversation (the last three lines). That was a little odd, and it isn't entirely clear when you're reading at high-speed as to how exactly it fits in.

Thirdly, I'm still a little confused about exactly how old Athy is. At first I thought she was five or six (in the beginning paragraph). Then I thought she was really, really young (after I read "I can't read" part). Then I thought she was ten ("ten-year-old memory" part). Now I'm confused.

Finally, I want to say that I really like this story. There aren't many present-tense stories that I like, mainly because they tend to lead to

 

Thanks a million, Aunecah! I'll definitely be taking a few of your suggestions.

Yes, the mother does die of cancer.

The age was confusing even though in the first paragraph I mentioned Athy is five? Is it because most children can read at five years of age? I was a late starter myself, so I wouldn't know the average age one begins reading. Should I change the sentence in the first paragraph to make Athy three or four instead? I wonder if that change would be sufficient to clear up the confusion... maybe I'll give the story to a few more people to read and see if they find the age(s) clear...

Hmmm... about the ending. I was a little unsure of it myself. It used to on a more depressing note with Athy whispering, "May you hear the ringing of the bell for a long time to come..." Upon someone else's suggestion I changed it to how it now reads. I turned this story in for an assignment about a week or two ago, and my teacher liked the ending. I'll admit, I think the story ends a bit abruptly. Would throwing in a few more lines or paragraphs to lead into the ending line improve the conclusion's overall impact?

Anyway, thank you once again for your feedback and comments! I'm trying to make this story as good as I can. In about a month in a half I'm going to send it as a submission to my high school's literary magazine that is published yearly. The competition is tough, and I am dying to get one of my pieces accepted.

~*Senoj*~

 

Thank you so much for the comments, Aunecah! I didn't realise that I'd glossed over Roman so much until you pointed it out - will definitely be taking your advice and fixing that part!

 

one more day of finals, then I'm back!

-sj loves
llyod chasseur

 

Thankyees. Actually, I just realized how badly I typed up my story. I have it written down, but when I typed it I was tired. It looks like hell to read right now

Thanks, though, for the revisions and help