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Discussion in 'Archive: The Amphitheatre' started by KnightWriter, Jun 9, 2002.

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  1. KnightWriter Administrator Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Nov 6, 2001
    star 8
    Hmm, I hope there's still some interested people out there.
  2. Valiowk Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Apr 23, 2000
    star 6
    I still am interested, but if anything it appears that the story reviewers aren't here... :(
  3. Ophelia_Summers Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Nov 7, 2002
    Hey all

    well I promised to read stories and post replies, then I drop off the edge of the earth and not live up to my promise :/ To make a long story even longer :) I had a LOT more to moving than I thought and it took FOREVER to find a new place. :/ So I'm back and reading now. I bet I'll be done sometime in the next century. o.0 Plz be patient with me k?

    Ophelia
  4. KnightWriter Administrator Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Nov 6, 2001
    star 8
    You're always welcome here, and hopefully you'll find more time to join in soon :).
  5. Ophelia_Summers Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Nov 7, 2002
    Mrs Kitty
    "The Face" posted 10/31/02

    I read this a while back and didn't get to post my thoughts before I moved. :) I like the twist at the end. I thought the guy was the exboyfriend but I didn't know for sure till you revealed who he was. As a stand alone segement very good. If you were thinking of it as a piece of a larger story then maybe put in some more background into that part while Bev leaves and Jenny is thinking to herself. Still all and all a good read. :)

    AdmiralZaarin
    "Untitled" posted 11/02/02

    Very nice! :) I can't really help on grammer or punctuation cause I suck at it. :/ But the storyline is way awesome. :) Any back story tho? I like how you put her past into the action and all, but why the attack? That may help the reader understand why the attack is happening in the first place. Tho good explaining on how the "state of affairs" is in that section of space. :)

    Solojones

    "untitled(Specter maybe?)" posted 11/02/02

    Well I loved it. :) I like the way you bring the plot out and still give the characters the chance to bring out their depth. Very well laid out and a awesome piece of a short story. :)

    Mrs. Kitty
    "Stranger" posted 11/02/02

    heh interesting story you have here. lol A sense of humor like mine. :) Well you explained the setting enough that I could picture it in my head. good job there. :) Is there anymore to the story?

    k I'm not done yet, but I didn't want this post to be LONG. :) more to come as I read

    Ophelia
  6. solojones Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 9
    Woah. Haven't been here in a long time! I should review some stories but I have reviewed most of them so far... let me see if there are some I haven't read yet :)

    -sj loves kevin spacey
  7. Ophelia_Summers Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Nov 7, 2002
    hey solojones. yeah I haven't been here in a while either. :/ and I got a LOT of catchup reading to do too. :) oh whee

    Ophelia
  8. Ophelia_Summers Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Nov 7, 2002
    K here's some more stuff on stories :)

    JediSenoj451

    Reflections of a Dying Man posted 11/03/02

    very nice. :) I see you like stories that have a moral lesson. Good work and keep writing :) I like how you "tied up the ends" at the last paragraph (The patient in bed 207 searched his solitary room with his eyes, but before the old man could grasp an answer, he involuntarily shuddered and drifted into an uneasy sleep, his last question dying unheard in the empty medical room.) You gave the lesson quick and that's key I think to maintain the reader's interest :) good work


    Mrs_Kitty

    Lost Love posted 11/03/02

    Ah a love story! *sigh* I'm such a hopeless romantic so of course I love it. :) Vamps in a romance tho, who would have thought. ;) And as always your humor shines though. I laughed at outloud when I read-"Brianna stands up from the table, ?Well, it?s getting very late and I?d better get to bed where I can get some beauty sleep.?

    Then I suggest you sleep for months. Victoria had to stop herself from laughing out loud. Xavier and Victoria tells Brianna goodnight and she walks upstairs to go to her bedroom." lol Kitty :D

    k I need to post this so I don't lose it by accidently hitting the back button o.0 like I already did :/ heh

    Ophelia

  9. solojones Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 9
    P.O.E.M.
    by tabbafett


    I really love the premise behind this story. It's quite original and also hits really close to what people today are concerned with. I didn't really see any major technical errors in the story, but there may always be a typo, spelling, or minor grammatical error in a story so you might want to check closely on that. My biggest suggestion is that you add more detail to the story. It seemed at times that you were really telling what happened in a few short sentences rather than showing through descriptions what was happening. Yet you did have some excellent descriptions in there, too; but overall it seemed to need something more. Also, the "chapters" aren't really that, per say, since it's just a short story and not a novel or novella length.

    Very good work! I enjoyed your story a lot! :)

    -sj loves kevin spacey
  10. KrystalBlaze Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 3, 2002
    star 5
    My story was skipped. How sad. :(




























    :p
  11. solojones Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 9
    Valiowk I just finished reading your To be or not to be, that is the question. I didn't find it terribly unpolished, though it also did seem rather standard in writing style. Not bad, though. A very different story. I think my main contention with it was simply that the story didn't seem too intriguing to me. It wasn't bad, just not my thing. But I know that you have some great ideas, too :)


    Carousel I really like the intro to your war letters piece. It's very descriptive in a way that is quite pleasant. Very good set up to the story, I think :)

    -sj loves kevin spacey
  12. KnightWriter Administrator Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Nov 6, 2001
    star 8
  13. The Gatherer Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Aug 2, 1999
    star 6
    I wish to attempt to write short stories, can anyone recommend / give advice on the structure of a short story? Is it asically the same as a novel, just shorter?
  14. solojones Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 9
    For the most part, however short stories often don't have fleshed out expositions or expositions at all. They tend to jump right into things without a lengthy explanation of everything, as oposed to novels which spend a great deal of time building the plot before the actual action begins. That's what my experience has been, anyway.

    -sj loves kevin spacey
  15. The Gatherer Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Aug 2, 1999
    star 6
    Thanks for the advice!

    Anyone have any more?
  16. zeekveerko Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Apr 30, 2002
    star 5
    short stories usually span a day at the most, whereas novels can cover weeks, months, even years in their text.

    there are 2 types of short stories:

    the regular kind, which can be up to 3,000 words, and tells a complete story, and the short-short, which hovers closer to 1,000 words max and covers only a scene or two (basically one event).

    of course, like any story, it should have at least a little setup, a climax, and maybe even some resolution. usually shorts are more climax than anything else, though.
  17. solojones Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 9
    zeek about your paper Terra Risks?, what kind of paper was it supposed to be? The thing that I noticed about it was the fact that it didn't seem to take a clear stance. I think the idea of writing from a child's perspective is interesting, but difficult. You did pretty well, but as I said, I was confused on the point being made.

    budaki I didn't read any of yours yet, because I saw right away that you'd used a LOTR map and replaced it with different names. I also skimmed and saw references to dwarves and elves and the like. Now, I'm saying this only because you say this is part of a novel and so I assume it's something you'll be spending a lot of time on and might be thinking about publishing. I'm not saying this to be mean: No one wants to read a clone of a well-known novel. They can just read the novel they know to be great instead. To have a novel that is intriguing and sells, you have to have ideas that are entirely (or as much as possible) your own. I know this is hard with fantasy, but it's a truth that keeps that genre difficult and small. If you'd like me to read the chapter anyway and comment on its own literary qualities, I will, though. Not trying to be mean, just trying to be honest :)

    -sj loves kevin spacey
  18. budaki Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 19, 2001
    star 4
    Ah solojones, you are wrong on many, many levels.




    I did not simply take, a LOTR map and change the names, if you looked closer you would actually see. I will have you know that the developement of the map alone has taken me a fair ammount of time. And, I will have you know that there has been a great deal of development of languages to be used in the map and the text that are very distinct from anything Tolkien ever wrote. Not to mention a unique tapestry of backstory for my novel that is UnTolkien.

    And I will also point out to you that Dwarves and Elves were not merely the creation of Tolkien. To say he created them is to say Lucas created Aliens.

    I am deeply offended that you consider my story to be a carbon copy of Tolkien when you said yourself you have not even read it all! Does it have parallel? Sure, but all stories that deal with themes of humanity does. Ever read Joseph Cambell?

    Now, I will stop myself before I get angry.
  19. solojones Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 9
    I'm not saying it's a carbon copy by any means. I'm sure you have put energy into developing your own world and story, but I'm just trying to give you a friendly warning against making it look too much like Tolkein. Like I said, fantasy is really hard to make original because there are very many stories of lands with many races engaging in battles of good verses evil. To be fair, I'll read your story. I'm not trying to be mean and I'm sorry if I angered you. I'm just trying to give you some cautionary warnings. It's part of why I have this title, you see.

    -sj loves kevin spacey
  20. budaki Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 19, 2001
    star 4
    No Problem, I am sorry if I got a little steamed. And please keep in mind that what I posted is only the second draft of my first chapter (of about 20) so, it might not ammount to much yet.


    Thanks
  21. solojones Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 9
    Alright Budaki, now I've read the first chapter and I'm more equiped to comment. Let me say, this has been one of the more enjoyable stories that I've read here. It was fairly long, but it's a whole chapter so it should be. But the point was, it didn't seem that long when reading it. One of my favourite things was your use of humor. Right off the bat, I found it to have very funny parts, and that's always good. Also, I loved the songs you had in there. I see you've set a certain somewhat elevated pattern of speech for your characters, which is perfectly appropriate for fantasy, but which you must remember to keep up throughout (not that I have any doubt you will). I liked the foreshadowing you have going already (getting the sense that this little mission will be turning into something much larger, with the mentioned "shadow"). I like your characters and your races you've set up so far, for the most part...

    The only complaint I have is, still, the use of terminology that echoes Tolkein. Particurally the use of the word Orcs. That word is a Tolkein word, and while you may not be aware that you used it at first, it automatically sticks out to the reader and takes the reader away from your story and to Tolkeins. I suggest using your own word and simply re-naming this race to individualize your story. The same might be said for Wood Elves. Perhaps they could simply be called Forrest Elves or something of that equivalent. Same meaning, but it avoids sounding like a race taken straight from Middle Earth. The rest of your terminology seems like good, general fantasy-speak or your own wording, which is great. I just suggest you maybe step away from some of those words that are definitely associated with Tolkein's works.

    On the whole, I really did enjoy the first chapter, though. I would definitely like to read more. Good work!

    -sj loves kevin spacey
  22. budaki Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 19, 2001
    star 4
    Thank you very much solojones.

    Concerning the word Wood Elf, you see I use this word towards the first of my story, and then gradually (as the novel progresses) phase it out with the proper Prahaanese term jaolasouum. I did not want to blast the reader with terminology that he or she was not ready for, but ease them into it.

    Also, the word Orc is intentionally there. As you will see as my story progresses, I will play upon the stereotype people have, for my Orcs are no where close to Tolkien Orcs, both from a biological and thematic stance. I hope to suprise the reader when he or she gets to the Orcs and finds that they are not what he or she expects. ;)

  23. solojones Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 9
    Ok, gotcha ;) About your terminology... how do you pronounce some of that? I'm just thinking that the word you mentioned for Wood Elf is very long, and if readers see a word that long, they are most likely to think "woah" or just glaze over it. Also, the one character who's name begins with a Y, the elf, how is his name pronounced? I just wanted to know so I'll have that for a personal reference.

    -sj loves kevin spacey
  24. budaki Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Aug 19, 2001
    star 4
    Well, as the reader gets farther into the book, hopefully they will begin to figure out the words, for instance take jaolasouum (oh, btw a gazetter or whatever is planned for the back of my story) you have roughly:

    jaolas(Jay-Oh-Lass)=wood + ouum(Oo-Um)=Elf

    ooum is used frequently later on in the story when the Isouum or roughly "bitter elves" or Dark Elves, enter the scene. Jaolas is also used in words like Jaolasyoust, or Wood Town roughly.

    If this is ever published, in the back of the book there will be a section on how to say the words. Who hasn't stumbled over words like ainulindale or moriquendi (both from the Silmarillion)?

    Yuaen (You-ain)


    Don't worry, all my words aren't soft and vowelful, take my Dwarvish or Human tongues.

    In Dwarvish or Fukhul if you will, you have words like Tetuk (a lord), Fozlin(a king), Fukhulori(one of the old Dwarvish castles), and Ojonion(Wynorf's cousin).

    In Cliffican (the dominant mannish speech) you have words such as Oflrum (a sort of elite guard), Ric (which means Cooper, or barrel maker), Bipell (Wolvesbane), Cauquis (frost), Apal (butterfly). And the like.

    So far here are the languages I have created:

    Elf-Tongues
    Myadian Mode

    Halari (Mannish) Tongues
    Cliffican
    Ench
    Okiran
    Old Halari

    Dwarvish-Tongues
    Fukhul (Dwarvish)
    Oldadian Mode (Gnomish)

    Jadlur-Tongues
    Jadlurian

    Doriac-Tongues
    Kuarrouvi

    Misc Languages
    Byyn's Mode, used by servants of the God of Hate



    Each language has a lexicon of about 3000 words at the moment.

    I need to make a few more, for the Laijaxi, which are the jungle men, and the Dustari, who live in Dustarisodenalis (which is a Halari word for "Dustari residence" i believe).

    I am revising chapter 2 now, and hopefully will have it posted within a week or so.
  25. Eugene_Meltsner_AIO Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 9, 2002
    star 4
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