~The Writer's Lounge~

Please repost your story at The Publisher's Desk .

 

Oops, sorry. The section of my story is now posted in The Publisher's Desk.

 

Budaki it sounds like you've really planned out your story I'm sure the more I read the more I'll get used to the language and everything. Just curious

-sj loves kevin spacey

 

Upping because I posted the first two chapters of my novel and would like feedback. Keep in mind some of it is rough, I couldn't wait till school was over to fix and post it.

 

I have an idea for a screenplay. It will be put in The Publishers Desk soon. If I can put a screenplay.....pleeeeze

 

Ahhh, this is just what I was looking for . I lately began writing an original little story, so I'll post that in the Publisher's Desk as soon as I have finished the first part .

 

Good to see some activity here again I'm still more than willing to review stories, so post away

I'll be getting to Spike's soon

-sj loves kevin spacey

 

Ok Spike I've read the first chapter of your book and I must say I'm very intrigued by the story. That's the most important thing, but in order to convey that there are some *technical* things that have to be just so. Here are a few grammatical things that stood out to me. Maybe some are personal preference, and certainly as you do other drafts of your novel one of the steps will be to get the wording just so... but I thought I would give some of my own input now:

Unless of course, they?ve already woken up?
should be ?they?d?, unless you?re conveying the characters thoughts, which should be indicated

He looked around the shuttle, it was pretty full.
There are several ways to change this, but I?d do something like ?He looked around the shuttle and saw that it was pretty full.?

for his father?s feelings was ever give
given

Kaiyu didn?t think Krys fully understood how amazing the change she brought about in him was. For he was so terrified back then and had been distrustful of anyone who approached him.
Kaiyu didn?t think Krys fully understood how amazing the change she brought about in him was; he was so terrified back then and had been distrustful of anyone who approached him.

To help him she was designated as his guardian, actually a common procedure for new cadets.
I?d take out ?actually? to make it flow better

but also with a souvenir for Kaiyu, a Malkosian sword with his name engraved on it.
but also with a souvenir for Kaiyu- a Malkosian sword with his name engraved on it.

Kaiyu didn?t know how to respond to this, he didn?t like talking about his parents, not even with Krys.
Kaiyu didn?t know how to respond to this. He didn?t like talking about his parents, not even with Krys.

Ann imposing, gray statue
An

you are never usually absent.
This phrase seems rather contradictory?

Kaiyu tried to imagine himself there, with Krys on the Southern Continent. But he had a hard time picturing it.
Kaiyu tried to imagine himself there, with Krys on the Southern Continent, but he had a hard time picturing it.

shouldn?t haven mentioned
have (typos annoy me when I write, too)

five foot six
five feet six

sylph like face
sylph-like face

Her eyes though, seemed older than the rest of her.
Her eyes, though, seemed older than the rest of her.

Marcus?s lecture.
Marcus? lecture. (this *can* be done both ways, but this is the usual, I believe)

voice. Do I know you??
voice. ?Do I know you??

without meanness.
It seems a different word would do better? perhaps malice?



*Whew* Alright, now that the dirty work is out of the way, let me tell you what I really think as opposed to what I know I think this story is very interesting. The premises you've set up with The Sickness and the whole society are great hooks to get the reader to want to know more. Even better, the meeting between Claire and Kaiyu is mysterious and intriguing. I would read the next chapter right away were I not so tired.

I like your characters and so far where you're going with this. Keep it up, and keep posting. I want to read the rest

-sj loves kevin spacey

 

Unless of course, they?ve already woken up?
should be ?they?d?, unless you?re conveying the characters thoughts, which should be indicated

Yeah, there was a problem with formatting. That should have been in italics.


Everything else I pretty much agree with.



*Whew* Alright, now that the dirty work is out of the way, let me tell you what I really think as opposed to what I know I think this story is very interesting. The premises you've set up with The Sickness and the whole society are great hooks to get the reader to want to know more. Even better, the meeting between Claire and Kaiyu is mysterious and intriguing. I would read the next chapter right away were I not so tired.

I like your characters and so far where you're going with this. Keep it up, and keep posting. I want to read the rest

Okay, thanks. I'll post chapters 3 and 4 this weekend, so that when you read Chapter 2 and then them you can get an idea of where the story is going to go.

And I'll be curious as to what you think of that, and also what you think of the charachters as you see more of them.

Thanks again.

 

-----
I did your story, ST-TPM-ASF-TNE

-----

David lied in bed, cold. He had only a thin sheet to keep him [ warmth, "warm,"] and no nurses had come by in quite some time, so [ that delete] he could not ask for another blanket. He slept [ throughout through] most of the day, still sore from the accident. [ He had a broken leg and a fractured wrist to show for it. Awkward. Consider revising the phrasing.]

When he was awake those few times during the day, he spent [ his "the"?] time thinking. But not about Elizabeth [ (his old girlfriend) I assume this isn't actually going to be in the story] , or about his job. Nor did he think about [ his "the" might work in better here] friends who had not visited him yet, or about his home, or [ about comforting things. Screws up the parallel construction ? revise or delete]

He re-imagined the way the door looked when he broke through [ it's "its"] lock. But he tried not to imagine her horrified [ looks "look" might work better] , or about her cries for help, even when he had not done anything to her. But rather, he thought of her as if she [ was "were"] pleased by the event.

It wasn't until [ then when?] that David had remembered the picture he kept of Angela, folded in his wallet.

He couldn't remember her last name. The only thing he currently knew her by was [ 'Angela'. 'Angela.']

"I cannot see if she is here or not unless I know her last name," the nurse [ calmly replied. "replied calmly" might sound better]

David [ only ?] looked at her as if he didn't understand. "So is Angela here yet?"

"Tell me her last name and I can check for you." The nurse still had a calmness in her tone, but she [ was "sounded"?] slightly irritated.

"Where is Angela? Why haven't you brought her in yet?" [Are the hero's wounds worse than we thought?]

[ But "He"?]continued to ask the same questions, sometimes out loud, sometimes in his mind, about Angela.

He noticed how no nurses were present, and [ that "how"?] there was a large gap of empty bodies where the guest chairs sat, four of them. This is just ? awkward.

[ He looked outside the room, and everyone who had been passing by the room in the halls all day seemed to be gone. Break the sentence up along the comma.] They were no longer there. [ They seemed as if they no longer existed. Wordy and confusing; how about: "It were as if they no longer existed"?]

David felt a cold shiver through his bones as ["a"] draft came though. [ He clenched his arms and tried to warm himself, and could only watch as his only picture of Angela tumbled to the cold, rigid floor. The two clauses don't really fit together.]

It was then that he looked up, and looked into [ nothingless. "nothingness"] His eyes were fixated on [ nothing, second time in two sentences you used the word ? try something different] and he made no serious movements. He thought about his life. He thought about Elizabeth, and his small apartment that [ only ?] he lived in for years. [ And he thought about his small cubicle at work, and about the few friends he had, and how some had left, some had passed on, and only a few had stayed, but [ where "were"] disconnected from him. Awkward phrasing]

Then he thought about that empty hospital room again, and it's lifeless halls, and [ it's "its"] cold drafts, and his only picture of Angela on the [ ground. "floor."] And [ the delete] for the first time in his life, he understood everything.

Okay, I'm going to be honest here. Until the last paragraph (and line), I felt completely disconnected from

 

Spike I read chapter 2. Just a few quick things first:

Thoughts like those are just silliness?

For Krys didn?t love him.

Both these lines (which are one after the other) sounded a little awkward to me and kind of took me out of the story for a second.

Krys? surprise delighted Kaiyu.

Pretty sure you meant 'Kauyu's surprise delighted Krys.'

Ok, now to the meaninful part. I continue to be very intrigued by this story of yours. You have done a good job with the hook (the riddle) and keeping the reader as well as Kaiyu thinking about what it could be. Then there's the whole setup with the two main characters and their situation, which you've handled nicely. The biggest problem I see in your story so far is just som awkward wordings. It's not a huge problem. If you keep your story going strong, this should be an interesting book. Keep up the good work!

I'll read your next two chapters soon

-sj loves kevin spacey and darth_ignant

 

Thanx, solojones. I'll definitely take a look at those passages, I've already gone through and worked on those sections you pointed out in your first criticism.

I look forward to hearing more, especially when the riddle is solved and what happens happens.

In addition to your comments on all four sections I'd like to have your answers to three questions referring to Kaiyu, Krys, and Claire.


1) What do you like about this characther?
2) What do you not like about this charachter?
3) What do you want to know about this charachter?

That makes 9 questions, and then to make an even 10, please tell me which charachter is your fav.

Thanks again.

 

KRYSTAL, if u read my fan fic I will read yours. Remember me? I am Collin's friend.

 

Can someone please go over my latest Fan Fic.? any help would be hot.

 

Ok Spike, I'll do that when I get done with those sections

I'll be getting to other stories as soon as possible as well.

I'm going into the Big Brother house tomorrow, but I've been told since this is an official Amph duty I'll be able to review and post with my sock IamSpartacus, so don't fear, I'll still keep posting in this thread.

-sj loves kevin spacey and darth_ignant

 

Just thought I'd start posting here to get used to posting here with this sock. Ok, I had this idea.

I read a book about writing by Orson Scott Card (Ender's Game author) recently, and he had a really good idea. He said that, while it's good to have editors and a variety of people to comment on your work, it's also a good idea to have one person who will read it just to tell you how it made them feel. Not just the emotions, but what parts they felt compelled to skip over and etc. I thought it might be a good idea, for those of you evaluating (whether officially or not) it might be nice once in a while to record which parts you honestly felt where the most interesting, the most skimmable, etc. Just an idea of a little different kind of reviewing

Also, I have a question. Who here is writing a novel? Because I thought it would be nice to pair people up who are writing novels to read and review and critique each other's works, because I know it can be hard for everyone to dedicate themselves to reading every novel that's posted. Instead, this would guarentee that everyone would get some good, concentrated insight into their novels, because novel-writing is serious. So, if you are doing this, please post and identify the novel you're writing, a brief summary, etc. If we get enough people, I'll be able to pair you up for some added review-age

 

He said that, while it's good to have editors and a variety of people to comment on your work, it's also a good idea to have one person who will read it just to tell you how it made them feel.

That seems to echo something Stephen King mentioned in On Writing. He believes in an "ideal reader," and for him that has always been his wife, Tabitha. She's always told him what she thinks, both the good and the bad.

I do love that book .

 

I thought it might be a good idea, for those of you evaluating (whether officially or not) it might be nice once in a while to record which parts you honestly felt where the most interesting, the most skimmable, etc. Just an idea of a little different kind of reviewing

Yes, I'd appreciate this as well.

Oh, and I am one of those people writing a novel.

 

I am another one of those who's writing a novel - or several of them, anyway. Finished one, but it's still in the never ending editing process, and most likely will be for the next ten years. So, you can be assured that NOBODY will see it until 2013.

EDIT:

I Reviews Budaki's story:

Chapter One:


If there was one thing Dwarves loved more than gems and gold it was beer [ , A hyphen might work in better] and lots of it.

If it is possible, make it before the coming of the Fall, [that?s the did you mean: "that's when the"?] Orcs are surely to be at their nastiest. See you soon cousin!

That last part (no, not the laughter) perked many ears around the room, even some Elves, whose usually deaf ears [(figuratively of course) Hmm ? I think it was pretty obvious] were naturally perky. The words pay, gold, and gems were magic words in Riverside, especially for those who were particularly hard up.

A [lads "lad's"] place is ["in"] helping his family on a farm or being apprenticed to a craftsman, but never in a Dwarf Mine!?

This would not be too great [and "an"?] obstacle, as a sturdy stone bridge, built long ago, would provide easy passage across the rivers (actually river since they converged upstream of the bridge).

Ric tried to lift his legs but found that they were heavier than he expected, ?[Alright "All right"], you grab his feet,? the boy said.

All right, here's my take on the overall excerpt. They were relatively few grammatical errors, so I don't have anything to say about it than what I already said. However, this is the feel I got when I read the excerpt ? I felt as if I was reading a history book, especially in the beginning three or four pages. The trick as a writer is to NOT reveal everything about the book and the world in the first few pages. I felt like I was sitting through my least favorite professor's lecture and I just wanted to read the actual story. I would suggest that you cut down about half of what you told us about your world in this chapter and tell it via dialogue or songs, etc., during the travel over to Dara's mines. Disperse the information over many pages ? my thoughts were that all the info you gave us, while interesting, really didn't belong in this chapter because this chapter would have been better off without most of it.

On the bright side, you're doing wonderfully with characterizations. I'm already in love with the Dwarf. I also like the Elf and the man ? or should I say boy? Eighteen, eh? Old enough to be ? never mind. I wonder if there is a girl waiting there.

Wonderfully done, overall.

Aunecah

 

Spike I will be wanting to read the rest of this novel as well as what I have already. I'm going to review chapters 3 and 4 later tonight I hope. Also, since I'm also writing a novel, I was wondering if you'd be interested in being a sort of 'editing buddy' for our novels. Even if just to give me someone to bounce my story off of for a reaction to the novel. I'm going to answer those queries you had about your novel here, as well.

Then I have a few other stories here to review. Which is great. I love it when this place is actually alive

 

Okay, that sounds great.

Oh, and if you get a chance please review Chapters 1&2 too.

 

Terr_Mys ? here's your story:

They Shall Not Pass

He ["had"] fought in the trenches of Ypres in Belgium under the British Expeditionary Force for nearly two years before being appointed [ command "commander"?] of a special operations unit dubbed ?the Royal Surveyors,? who were dispatched to the front lines of the German assault on the French Second Army at Verdun.

Corbin?s unit had been sent to a supply depot at Bar-le-Duc where [they "it" ? because you're talking about Corbin's unit, which is a singular (collective) noun] joined a French military caravan heading to Verdun.

As the caravan of [faceless, confused a little; I think I know what you're trying to do ? but using "faceless" for trucks doesn't seem to fit in too well] [ mechanical One would hope that there are only mechanical trucks ? a.k.a., delete because of redundancy] trucks and awkward track-crawling tanks passed through an old French village, Corbin happened to notice the ironic name of [it: hmm ? you never mentioned anything about "emotion" to refer to it as "it," I think; just say "emotion" or the like] Regret. ?So much regret?[, Delete the comma? he thought to himself.

The right bank of [the delete ? Meuse is a proper noun] Meuse was an area of sweeping fields and forests, with shielding highlands facing the east, towards Germany.

?We?re here to [do "give" might work in much better] all that we can to help, Major,? replied Corbin.

[It was today the 5th of March, 1916, Hmm ? the "today" is stuck in an awkward place ? deleting it would be the best option, but if you really want to have it in there, try: "Today was the 5th of March, 1916,"] and Corbin?s unit took shelter in an unserviceable church for the night.

[It must be what the war has done to him, Corbin thought. Style inconsistency problems ? before, when Corbin thought, you used "?" to show it.]

?Well, might as well call it a night,? said Ari, with a tone of finality. He [distinguished I think you meant "extinguished" ? but I wouldn't use it if I were you; that always makes me feel as if I'm reading a fire-extinguisher manual rather than a story ] the candle on the church floor and the men unrolled their sleeping bags and slept, albeit uneasily.

The next morning the men awoke[","] not by their own will, but from Major Gigot?s voice, who rushed into the church to speak with the lieutenant. [Apparently Corbin?s unit had slept longer than intended, seems kind of awkward for somebody who's been in the military ? overslept??? Where did the discipline go ? ?] for it was now midmorning.

?There?s more,? added Gigot. ?The German infantry [have "has" ? "infantry" is, again, a singular (collective) noun] made significant advances on our northwestern flank, on the left bank of the river. They?re overcoming our trenches and will soon be within unsafe distance of the city ? they?re trying to surround us from the west. [I?m sorry for the change of plans, Hmm ? seems a little awkward for a Lieutenant to apologize; I've never been in the military before ? but I think there isn't going to be a lot of apologizing when you're in war, which is, by nature, unpredictable] but it looks like you?ll be going to Bois Bourrus, not Vaux.?

The men suited up and headed out of the city on foot. They marched through the thick, dark green French woods into a quaint village named Thierville [and upon a large ridge. ? do you mean: "and onto a large ridge"?][/b] This green mass that rose into the sky was known as Bois Bourrus. Corbin observed that the ridge was [well-fortified "well fortified"] [/b]? five forts overlooked the trenches and lines of barbed wire.

[They Who?] just weren?t expecting it.?

Although the thoughts of battle, the sounds of artillery grenades exploding and rocking the fo

 

Thanks, Aunecah, I really appreciate it.

I probably just should've clarified a few things in the story, that was an error on my part, considering I typed the majority of the story the night before it was due ; i.e. the men oversleeping...it had more to do with the fact that the men were very weary from previous fighting, I should've made that more clear. Also I should have explained that the unit was in fact there solely for intelligence relay and that sort of thing, not really for fighting, until they realized how much they were needed. And I'm not really an expert on the military or anything, but I figured Gigot's apology would be more of a polite thing to do, since the officers are in fact in different armies (British and French). I'm not sure though.

 

Damn, I can't believe I have never looked in this thread. How does this work here, I wonder? Are people posting things in The Publisher's Desk for review and then feedback given here? OR am I hopelessly confused and should be slapped and told to read the whole thread?

 

Darth_Dark_Helmet: You're right: the people are posting (excerpts) in the Publisher's Desk for feedback here, but that doesn't mean that you aren't helplessly confused and shouldn't be slapped.

Aunecah