~The Writer's Lounge~

Discussion in 'Archive: The Amphitheatre' started by KnightWriter, Jun 9, 2002.

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  1. KnightWriter Administrator Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Nov 6, 2001
    star 8
  2. Spike_Spiegal Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Mar 11, 2002
    star 5
    I'd like more comments, if anyone's interested.
  3. solojones Chosen One

    Member Since:
    Sep 27, 2000
    star 9
    Sorry, I'm having difficulty finding time to review being here at camp. I barely ever have comp time. In a week I'll be home and bored, so I'll have lots more time to read and review :)

    -sj loves kevin spacey
  4. Eugene_Meltsner_AIO Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Sep 9, 2002
    star 4
    I too still need someone to read my chapter.
  5. Spike_Spiegal Jedi Youngling

    Member Since:
    Mar 11, 2002
    star 5
    It's cool solojones. That sounds good.


    :)
  6. anakin_girl Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Oct 8, 2000
    star 6
    OK, reviewing the last two posted, and I'll try to do some more chapters later tonight or tomorrow.

    Eugene: Very good, very powerful. I could feel Kade's anxiety as he realizes he's been had and is being thrown to his death, and as he wonders what the real motivations are of the people who find him.

    Kade?s stomach turned at the grip of acceleration. He wondered what would happen next, and why
    Zino was treating him like this so suddenly, all over something that could start a galactic war. But
    deep down he knew it was just the greed over the money, and he sighed.


    Dude--that's what you get for mixing in with people who are just after money.

    But the reader still feels sympathy for him, even knowing this.

    Terr_Mys:

    :eek:

    I love it.

    The story about the bear was haunting, and you could feel exactly how cold the runaway teenager was. You're also left sad at the end for the fact that she did choose to run away. :(

    The one about the old woman and the shovel--poetic justice on those horrible kids. YES.

    One of the fleeing youngsters who escaped death swore to his inquisitive mother hat his injuries had been caused by a flying shovel which, after delivering its blow, had said in a stern, human voice, "That's for my wife!"

    Get 'em, Marty. :)
  7. Terr_Mys Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 19, 2002
    star 6
    :D Thanks for the comments, anakin_girl. It's funny how much you can do with a picture in the newspaper. ;)
  8. 4thBG5thBTL Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Feb 28, 2003
    star 1
    hey...can i join this shindig? i've got a few things i think you might like to read:

    Jay and Jess

    ?Jess! Just come out. It won?t be that bad. If you give up now things will go much easier for you.? His voice echoed off the cliff walls so loudly he almost missed what the voice in his earpiece was saying.

    ??ead or alive. She is reported to be arm?angerous. Approach with extreme caution. Repeat. Approach with extreme caution.?

    Jay pulled the ear piece out and left it in his tracks on the canyon floor. His heart pounded in his chest. He was having second thoughts about leaving the plane to search for this girl. No, not a girl, he told himself. She became a woman a long time ago. It just took me ?til now to notice.

    ?You shouldn?t have come after me.? Jay turned to see her slipping out of a fissure in the rock face. The fissure was so well camouflaged that he hadn?t noticed it in passing. ?I?m not worth it.?

    ?Don?t talk like that.? He took a step nearer to her. With the light at her back her face was lost in shadow. ?The plane won?t leave without me and I won?t leave with out you.?

    ?If that line is supposed to make me come back with you, you might want to leave and practice it a few more times, because I?m not going anywhere.?

    ?But you can?t stay here Jess, you?ll starve. At least in jail you?ll be given proper meals and shelter.?

    ?That?s only if the angry crowds of people allow me to get that far.? He unconsciously rubbed the bruise on his arm, remembering the most recent incident involving Jess and a crowd thirsty for her blood. ?Besides, what makes you think I intend to live in this place.? Sensing his confusion, she went on. ?I?m not staying here to start a new life in the wild. I?m staying here to end it.?

    He ventured another two steps closer and took a firm hold of Jess?s shoulders. ?You?re talking crazy, Jess. Listen to you?re self.?

    ?Get off of me, Jay? She pushed his arms away, and in doing so stepped back so the moonlight fell on her face. It was the same face he remembered from his childhood, but sunken and worn with tire and lack of sleep. There was a nervous twitch in the corner of her left eye, barely noticeable to anyone who didn?t know her features as well as he did. ?If you want to drag me back, kicking and screaming, go ahead, but you?ll be dragging me to my own death. You know just as well as I do that even if I make it past the mobs, they won?t give me a fair trial. And I?d just as soon die of starvation in this hell hole than lose what dignity I have left, by humiliating myself in a courtroom.?

    Her words hit Jay hard. She spoke truth, and he had always known it to be true but never wanted to believe it. He was always the type to believe that the morals and ideals of human kind would always be more powerful than the primal instinct of revenge. Innocent until proven guilty. But such noble regards were quickly tossed aside when Gordan?s body was found. Jess had always been the obvious suspect and everyone believed it to be her. Even Jay, against his better judgment, couldn?t deny the evidence.

    ?You should still try to defend yourself.? His voice had faded to a mousey whisper, a plea for sanity. ?What if you are innocent.?

    ?What if?? Fierce anger boiled behind those two words. ?So you think I did it, too??

    ?I didn?t-?

    ?I don?t blame you,? she said taking control of her voice. She wrapped her arms around herself. ?He was your friend.?

    ?He was like a father to me.? It was all he could do to keep his composure. ?And you?re like a sister, so you can understand how hard this is for me.?

    For a moment, her eyes flickered with the same empathy Jay remembered from before all this mess.

    ?I?m sorry, Jay. I really am. I can?t imagine what this must be like for you.?

    They stood there in awkward, unnerving silence for a moment that lasted a thousand years. Suddenly, Jess reached up and touched Jay?s cheek. She traced the handsome lines of his young face with her fingers; brushed a wisp of bleach blonde hair behind his ear with her other hand. His baby blues
  9. ArnaKyle Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 12, 2000
    star 4
  10. Aunecah_Skywalker Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 25, 2002
    star 5
    4thBG5thBTL: Here's your story.
    Jay and Jess

    ?Jess! Just come out. It won?t be that bad. [If you give up now things will go much easier for you. This sounds a little awkward.]? His voice echoed off the cliff walls so loudly he almost missed what the voice in his earpiece was saying.

    ??ead or alive. She is reported to be arm?angerous. Approach with extreme caution. Repeat. Approach with extreme caution.?

    Jay pulled the [ear piece "earpiece"] out and left it [in "on"?] his tracks on the canyon floor. [His heart pounded in his chest. He was having second thoughts about leaving the plane to search for this girl. Try combining these two sentences into one. As of now, the sentences read like a broken tape.] No, not a girl, he told himself. She [became ?had become??] a woman a long time ago. It just took me ?til now to notice.

    ?You shouldn?t have come after me.? Jay turned to see her slipping out of a fissure in the rock face. The fissure was so well camouflaged that he hadn?t noticed it in passing. ?I?m not worth it.?

    I?m confused. I first thought that perhaps the voice in the earpiece was cautioning Jay as he went toward Jess, but now I?m not sure.

    ?Don?t talk like that.? He took a step nearer to her. With the light at her back her face was lost in shadow. ?The plane won?t leave without me and I won?t leave [with out ?without?] you.?

    ?If that [line is usually, people don?t say ?line is? but rather ?line?s.? Because Jess seems to be somewhat testy and angry, I think ?line?s? would work better.] supposed to make me come back with you, you might want to leave and practice it a few more times, because I?m not going anywhere.?

    ?But you can?t stay here Jess, you?ll starve. At least in jail you?ll be given proper meals and shelter.?

    This is entirely surreal. If Jay loves Jess, then he isn?t showing enough emotional depth to make the reader (me) feel as if he loves her. If he doesn?t love her, the sentence above sounds melodramatic. If Jay?s a cop, which I?m assuming he is, I don?t think he?s going to say that in jail she?ll get meals and shelter--people get murdered and raped in prisons, and he should know that??

    ?That?s only if the angry crowds of people allow me to get that far.? [Start a new paragraph here: The quote was by Jess, and the next sentence is about Jay.] He unconsciously rubbed the bruise on his arm, remembering the most recent incident involving Jess and a crowd thirsty for her blood. [Another break.] ?Besides, what makes you think I intend to live in this place.? Sensing his confusion, she went on. ?I?m not staying here to start a new life in the wild. I?m staying here to end [it I don?t know if you can say ?it? here because, technically speaking, it?s referring to ?new life in the wild,? and you want it to refer to ?life.? Perhaps ?I?m staying here to end my old one? would work better?].?

    He ventured another two steps closer and took a firm hold of Jess?s shoulders. ?You?re talking crazy, Jess. Listen to [you?re self yourself].?

    Again, the dialogue is bland and unemotional. If Jay loves Jess, he is showing too little emotion. If he doesn?t love Jay, he?s showing too much compassion.

    [?Get off of me, Jay? Nope. He isn?t on her. She can?t tell him to get off. How about: ?Leave me alone??] She pushed his arms away, and in doing so stepped back so the moonlight fell on her face. It was the same face he remembered from his childhood, but sunken and worn with tire and lack of sleep. There was a nervous twitch in the corner of her left eye, barely noticeable to anyone who didn?t know her features as well as he did. ?If you want to drag me back, [kicking and screaming Just want to be sure, but you know that ?kicking and screaming? is referring to Jay, not Jess, right?], go ahead, but you?ll be dragging me to my own death. You know just as well as I do that e
  11. freak-pudding Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 29, 2002
    star 4
    I was wondering if this is the place to get a possible beta for a few original one-shots I'm writing?
  12. KnightWriter Administrator Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Nov 6, 2001
    star 8
    Sure :). Just put it in the Publisher's Desk (link in the first post) and check back here for a possible review.
  13. Terr_Mys Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 19, 2002
    star 6
    Just to keep this place going...

    I read your story, freak-pudding. First of all let me say that it's certainly worth continuing, I'd be very interested to read more. :) The only spelling/grammar errors I noticed...

    "newly-cleaned" should just be 'newly cleaned', without the hyphen.

    ...I begin to soundlessly ponder the idea that life I left behind...

    I assume you just missed a 'the' in between that and life.

    Also, there were a couple of fragments: A small gaggle of children, perhaps? and But what if this is the wrong way? I realize you're writing in a sort of personal narrative manner, so fragments don't really matter, but just thought I'd bring that to your attention anyway.

    Now, my thoughts. You've got a great start here, a very good set-up for what sounds like it could be a great story judging by your writing style. Some of the phrasing of words and occasionally the overall flow seemed a bit awkward, but I realize that's due to the narrator's manner of thought. I'm sure after multiple reads you can fine-tune anything that's necessary. I could definitely relate to the narration, though - the sporadic thoughts and philosophical questions are things that go through my own and everyone's minds. I can tell you've got a very promising story here so I'd be happy to read more! :D
  14. freak-pudding Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 29, 2002
    star 4
    Thank you so much, Terr_Mys! I've always been nervous about having people read my personal fiction.

    I'm very glad you caught those things. I read over it three times but still missed those. [face_blush] Oh, and I knew about the fragments, but thanks for pointing them out anyway.

    I'm so glad that you liked it. The rest of it's coming slowly, but there will definently be more stories from me like this. I've decided to move out from fan fiction and out into original fiction. I'm going to start by writing several one-posts based on songs.
  15. KnightWriter Administrator Emeritus

    Member Since:
    Nov 6, 2001
    star 8
  16. Katana_Geldar Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 3, 2003
    star 8
    hi knightwriter

    i assume you write
  17. hypercube Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 16, 2003
    star 1
    I've just started writing my first novel which I will probably call

    "Destiny of the Lotus"

    As soon as I finish the first chapter I'll post it in the Publisher's Desk.
  18. Terr_Mys Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    May 19, 2002
    star 6
    This seems to be rather neglected as of late. Maybe I'll try and review some of the stories over at the desk that haven't been read yet.

    freak-pudding, I just read the second part of your story, and I must say you're doing a very good job! Your style shows skill and is enjoyable to read, and the flow, with the plot build-up is very nice. I'll reserve any criticisms until I read further into the story, but you must continue writing! :)

    Katana_Geldar - Interesting story! I hope you continue with it. A few corrections and recommended changes:

    The courtroom was rather generic: synthetic wood panels reinforced with transparent steel lined the room. The same stuff made the box for the accused. This is where Mauri Bowes sat, her fingers pressing against the bubble slightly.

    She sat facing the prosecutor, also typical of the surrounding. An LK model 247 mechno, it had a half humanoid shape. But its singular viewscreen and obvious artificial voice box gave the mechno the appearance of something alien and menacing.

    High on the wall behind Mauri was a small viewscreen, a camera lens, a heat-motion detector and a sensitive microphone. This was all that was needed to judge the case; it was addressed as the adjudicator.

    Eve Kaltie sat facing her client, though they were quite some distance from each other. They were the only humans in the room and Eve found this rather disturbing, but didn?t show it.

    ?Citizen M. Bowes, do you admit to killing your unborn child?? the prosecutor?s tinny voice bounced off the courtrooms walls. ?Do you admit or deny this??

    The prosecutor had risen from the computer panel and hovered near where Mauri sat. Eve watched Mauri look straight into the viewscreen, remembering that this was crucial to her trial. She swallowed slowly and prepared her answer.

    ...

    ?Made the right decision?? the prosecutor paused to compute and then continued with the cross-examination. ?How can you justify this? The child is dead, the child cannot speak on its own behalf.?

    ...

    ?So you arbitrarily made this decision for your child?? the prosecutor droned.

    ...

    ?I?m not one to abandon a sinking ship,? Eve said defiantly. ?Besides, I need to be here for this girl. Even her parents have abandoned her.?

    If you continue writing, I hope you elaborate on the characters, and perhaps provide a bit more exposition to this opening section. You have some interesting ideas, and hopefully you can put them together seamlessly. Keep it up! :)

    I'll review a few more stories tomorrow, perhaps. I hope some others will take the time to review these as well.
  19. Scare_Mys Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Oct 27, 2002
    star 2
    More reviews:

    Handmaiden_Yane - [face_laugh] I love your random weird stories! I always get a kick out of reading and/or writing funny stories like that, and yours are most amusing. I especially love the exchange between the two frogs, Mort and Jane. Random = hilarious. ;)

    Sam_Skywalker - I can tell you have some interesting ideas in your A Stained Dawn - is this a part of a larger story you plan on writing? I would suggest first of all to run your work through a spell/grammar check to make it easier to read and work on in the future. Also, there are many places where the sentences seem to lack cohesion. Try to group sentences that present similar ideas together, and in a logical order. The main idea is not very clear, and it wouldn't hurt to expand on the themes you've already presented, which would also make the story longer and a more satisfying read. You've got a good start, and I'm sure your style can improve without excessive effort.

    I hope more people can be encouraged to either post their work or review some of the stories already posted...I'll do my best to keep this thread going.

  20. ArnaKyle Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Nov 12, 2000
    star 4
    Just an alert/poll to see if anyone else is on NaNoWriMo.

    November is National Novel Writing Month, where your goal is to write 50,000 words by the end of the month. It's a great idea to just write and not worry about making everything perfect. Revisions can be made later, but it's just about getting your story down.

    Do a search for NaNoWriMo if you're interested in joining. Several other JCers are involved, and there's a good chance you can find other writing locals. :)
  21. Rogue_Eleven Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Jul 25, 2002
    star 1
    *raises hand*

    I'm doing NaNoWriMo! It's almost... satisfying, in a way, to go for quantity, rather than quantity. My stuff always ends up extremely random, and when I go back to read it, none of it makes any sense.

    :D Fun though.
  22. Aunecah_Skywalker Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 25, 2002
    star 5
    All right, I'm back. I recently had some problems with my password and the IGN board - and a hectic college life to top it - so I apologize for not reviewing anything in the last couple of months like I'm supposed to.

    Anyway, here's Kathryn's story:
    She was tempted to think about the [reasons why sounds a little awkward; consider revising]she didn?t want to be here. About the other things she could have been doing in her last few weeks of freedom before the end of summer holidays.

    She hurried to catch up [to with]him, and heard him mutter under his breath something about the crowds.

    The familiar figure was nearly unchanged by time ? small, slender, yet solid, the posture need a comma here ramrod straight. [the sentence sounds a little awkward.]

    [Might want to add her coming toward the them; the previous paragraph got me to think that she was on the other end of the room or something like that.] She took each of them into a strong hug.

    "It?s wonderful to see you all. Good journey?"

    "Yes, it went fine Thanks for meeting us, Eema."

    "[Good, and it isn?t any trouble. I don?t think this is normally how people would speak ? that is, the construction is odd.] Well, shall we?"

    They began to walk toward the doors.

    "How have you been since we last talked?" [Would be better if you tag the dialogue (say who?s talking).]

    "Fine[,]" Ben began. "The business is going well, we?ve taken on a bunch of new clients. Shelly sends her love[, unnecessary; delete] and her apologies once again." Shelly was Miriam?s mum[, need at least a semi-colon (or a period) here; a comma isn?t enough.] she was a nurse[, delete] and needed at the hospital until they could hire new staff, which was why she hadn?t come along. Jake told [adding who he?s talking to (?them? or ?Eema? or whatever) would make the sentence read a little smoother.] about how he?d found out the day before that his next assignment was to report on a trade summit in China. [She Use ?Miriam?; since we aren?t really that familiar with Miriam, and there are two women here, it?s going to be clearer this way.] thought her uncle was lucky to have a job where he got to travel all over the world. He wasn?t home often[,] and when he was he lived in[, delete] Regina, so it was nice that he?d come to see them in Toronto, and traveled with them to see Grandma in Montreal.

    "And how?s my Miri?" Rose who?s this? I thought it was ?Eema??:confused: ][/b] asked, placing her arm around the girl?s shoulders, drawing her close. "Looking forward to school?"

    Naomi was married to Miri?s uncle Samuel[, a semi-colon is more suited] they lived across the street from Grandma. Miri felt that she?d like to be that close [to grandma :confused: ]. She said hi, then took her things [near ?to? might be better] the cot that had been set up in her father?s old bedroom.

    She went to play with the boys. At 6 and 8 years, [they had a lot of energy that seemed to be in excess as their mother tried to work. Awkward construction; revise.] Her cousins were great kids, so she didn?t mind, really.

    It was a few hours later that Sam came home[, need at least a semi-colon.] Isaac and David heard the door and ran down to their father.


    "I?m sorry Eema. I got held up at work, and traffic [is ?was,? I think] awful."

    "It?s all right. Hurry and get ready, or you won?t be on time for shul." [And as if was part of the same thought, Rose asked. ???]

    This is a good chapter and it has a lot of potential. But there are problems: number one, I felt that 3/4 of the chapter was boring. The chapter needs a LOT more elaboration. We also definitely need a little more character development. Since this is the first chapter in the book, I think it's important for you to hook the readers i
  23. Kathryn Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    May 1, 2002
    star 4
    Hey Aunecah! Thanks for your reply, and you certainly did a lot of work in smoothing out the style, that I'm grateful for.(sorry it was pretty bad, I know, all of it :p) Ok, my response: I guess first thing is to clarify your one slight confusion: Rose is Miri's grandmother's name, but Rose's sons call her Eema (Mother or Mum in Hebrew)
    And I totally get what you mean.. I had (still anm having) so much trouble thinking of a good beginning to this, though the story that will unfold, in my head, is totally there. It's just getting that hook in the first sentences, without giving to much away (trust me, the character development is the main aspect of this story)..sigh.. well, hopefully looking it over again will help me get some ideas.

    Oh, I know what I was going to ask, did you get the last part, after they come back from Sabbath service, and Miri and Rose and Rose's husband's prayer book?

    Thanks again,

    Kathryn
  24. Aunecah_Skywalker Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 25, 2002
    star 5
    Kathyrn - You're welcome. I figured the part about the grandmother eventually, but I'm just saying it was a little confusing in the beginning. :) For me, openeings are top priority. They can make or break the book.

    And yes, I did get the part about the Sabbath service and the prayer book. :)

    Aunecah
  25. Aunecah_Skywalker Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 25, 2002
    star 5
    Are people still interested or is the topic dead?

    -Aunecah
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