JCC Things I Would Like to Tell My Kids But They Have to Learn for Themselves

1. When the time comes for breeding, breed for intelligence and height first. Looks don't even come in third, but it doesn't hurt if they're fourth.

2. You do not have anything new or interesting to say about Star Wars Episode VII

3. Twenty years from now when you look back at the things that made you feel shame in high school, the shame will feel just as intense, plus it will be tinged with regret.

4. Don't miss a chance to see the Grateful Dead in concert. Oh yeah, Jerry's dead. Too bad for you.

5. Money can't buy love. All it can buy is an endless supply of all of life's accoutrements that will convince nearly everyone that you are a more attractive mate.

 

6. She's not that into you. Give it up.

 

7. Music was better when I was your age.

 

8. You'll be a better person if you have a dog.

9. The only time asking for help reveals your weakness is when you refuse to ask for it.

 

10. Half the things you learned in high school and college will be useless to you later in life. But you may not find out which half until much later.

 

11. Sweep the leg.

 

People will use you. Who those people are you just have to find out for yourself the hard way.

 

13. I won't tell you to brush your teeth after you're 18. Even though you really need to,

 

14. Being savvy with social media doesn't actually make you more interesting.

 

16. You're going to have to take care of me when I'm in my 70s and 80s, because I have not saved enough for retirement.

 

17. Whenever you talked to your dad about Twilight, he pretended to be interested.

 

18. Don't go down into Old Man Johnson's basement.

 

19. There is no God.

 

20. When you're my age, we'll have used up all your gas.

 

21. There is always money in the banana stand.

 

22. Forget your passions. Do what makes the most money with the least amount of effort.

 

23. Your suspicion that whatever character flaws you may have are all my fault is essentially correct.

 

Life sucks and then you die.

 

There's a reason why I own the DVDs for Alien and Aliens, but not Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection.

 

If we survived without the internet. So can you.