MN This Week's Horoscope - 4/4/01

I'm stealing this idea from the Chicago forum, but I'm feeling equally perceptive.

Aries: (March 21--April 19)
You will meet someone famous that you admire...and proceed to make a complete fool of yourself.

Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
Any contest you enter this week will have the same prize: A two dollar gift certificate to Saks Fifth Avenue.

Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
Couples around you will continue to break up, giving doubts to your own commitment abilities, never fear, your partner loves you dearly.

Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
You have brain clusters and two weeks to live. Have fun.

Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
Spring break is coming. Prepare to be depressed that you can't afford Cancun this year. Bummer.

Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
You finally realize that $4.25 is too much to pay for a video rental, and go on a hysterical rampage throughout the local Blockbuster video store, announce that you're switching to Hollywood, and burn your card in front of dumbfounded video clerks.

Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
Steve is cheating on you.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
You will go insane this week. I don't know why.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
You finally figure out that your ViewMaster is NOT a pair of binoculars.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
Ben Fong-Torres from "Rolling Stone" calls, wanting to know how the article is going, you reply, "Fine" and hang up, but suddenly realize that you don't work for "Rolling Stone".

Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
Events in your life resemble that of a Spanish Soap Opera. Hope you can read subtitles.

Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
The Harlequin Romance novel you're reading is not an instruction book on how to have a more fulfilling love life. Steve is ready to leave.

 

ROTFLMAO!

Guess I'll use that gift certificate well..

 

Reminds me of Weird Al's song on his album "Running With Scissors" called "Your Horoscope For Today". His horoscope for Taurus (my sign) is:
You will never find true happiness. What you gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.

If anyone wants their sign, let me know. I don't feel like typing out the whole song at once, though.

 

Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
Spring break is coming. Prepare to be depressed that you can't afford Cancun this year. Bummer.

Ummm... yeah... spring break was a week or two ago, and I coud've cared less about Cancun. Hawaii... now that I longed for, but the plans for a trip to Hawaii turned in to plans for a trip to Europe, so I can't complain.

~*~Bria

 

Here's your horoscope according to Weird Al, Bria:

Leo:
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your bosses face (oh no). Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding and wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.

 

I'm a Gemini, what's mine?

 

Gemini's a good one:
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence. Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest.

 

Ouch.

 

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your bosses face (oh no). Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding and wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.

LOL!!! I wish I could do that to Troy *quickly checks to make sure that her supervisor, Jennifer, who was sitting next to her is gone*

And I think I'll pass on the food. I just had a bag of pretzels and aren't really that hungry anymore.

~*~Bria

 

Bria, the phrase is "couldn't have cared less." If you don't care about something, then it's not possible for you to care even less than you do now. That phrase is one of those language pet peeves that I have to point out when someone gets it wrong.

Oh, and I'm Cancer.

Phil

 

Yes sir, MER!

~*~Bria

 

Cancer:
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test.

 

How about mine? I'm a virgo.

 

Virgo:
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you. Expect a big surprise today, when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.

 

OWW!!! That would hurt!!!

~*~Bria

 

you think?
Why did _I_ have to be a virgo?

 

Well, I guess it's because you decided to come into the world somewhere between mid August and mid September.

~*~Bria

 

I found the lyrics online, so here they are:

Your Horoscope For Today
------------------------
by Al Yankovic

AQUARIUS!
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes
to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-
Mole 17 hours a day

PISCES!
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what
those idiots at work say

ARIES!
The look on your face will be priceless when you find
that 40-pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a
hickey to Meryl Streep

TAURUS!
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna
do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch
of stuff and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

GEMINI!
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your
explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance
hurls a javelin through your chest

CANCER!
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the
rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while
taking your driver's test

LEO!
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and
staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it
down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

VIRGO!
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent -
except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with
your head impaled upon a stick

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least
a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets
and the stars could have a special deep significance or
meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let
me give you my assurance that these forecasts and
predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented
evidence, so you would have to be some kind of
moron not to realize that every single one of them is
absolutely true.

Where was I?

LIBRA!
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone
much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that
when your appendix bursts next week

SCORPIO!
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall
screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your
low self esteem, you stupid freak

SAGITTARIUS!
All your friends are laughing behind your back...
kill them
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine
you've got hanging in your den

CAPRICORN!
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful
person... but you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never
never never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

 

Wow! We Gemini's got it pretty bad, there!

 

Yeah, tell me about it. I used to be a Close Personal Friend of Al, but now, I'm reconsidering.

 

As the other resident Gemini of these forums, my opinion is that Al needs to write us an updated horoscope. I'm sick of going to the bacta tank for that javelin wound.

 

It could be worse - you could be Aries or Virgo or Scorpio.

 

Good point!

 

Ditto.