Chic, IL This weeks horoscope

3/7/2001

Aries: (March 21--April 19)
The stars would have been amazed by your survival on that life raft for three weeks even if it weren't filled with hungry Alaskan brown bears.

Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
Though you've long known where babies come from, you're shocked to discover exactly how they got there.

Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
Your first attempt at playwriting might not have the "artsy" quality you were going for, but it will be a runaway hit thanks to its undeniable "fartsy" qualities.

Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
You will be struck by a taxi, dragged two blocks, and hospitalized for four months as part of a new "eye for an eye" crime-deterrence program.

Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
The sad truth about next week is that, for you, it's only four days long.

Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
After a lifetime of confusion, you'll finally figure out why they call those things "three-ring binders."

Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
You may be a damn good lawyer, but not even you can weather the trials of love with Brian.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
Circumstances compel you to finally come out of your shell next week. Unfortunately, you are a hermit crab.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
It doesn't matter how old you get--those pop-up books are simply the most fun thing in the world.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
How quickly things change: A self-immolation that would have been scandalous 10 years ago seems almost whimsical next week.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
Events in your life this week will closely mirror those addressed in the song "Rhinestone Cowboy." Next week: "The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald."

Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
You'll feel like you've missed something when the novel you're reading about the sexy lady hockey player turns out to be by Don DeLillo under a pen name.

 

Woohoo since I'm a taurus I'll find out how babies get in the momies tummy.

 

Well, hmmm.. this is my first visit to the "NEW' Chicago forum..and what do I get?? I find out love trials with brian are doomed..? Huh? Who is Brian?
I'm so confused....
Must...get..back...to...Hoosier...forum...
Love you guys!

 

I've reached day four... but will there be a tomorrow?

 

To Ani(kin) you listen: "The suns will come out tomorrow. Bet your bottom credit, there'll be suns."

Phil

 

Hey, I got "fartsy" qualities. Funny you mentioned that NJJ. I was actually thinking about writing my first play after just being in one...

 

Well, it looks like I get hit by a cab this week and will be out of it for four months. Hope I come out of the hospital in time for Convergence.

Mara, that horoscope mentions next week. So, you should be safe this week. Maybe it's not as dire as it sounds. Maybe after the 14th, you skip ahead to the 18th, meaning you'll be three days younger than those of us who had to live through those days. That also means you'll miss St. Patrick's Day.

Phil

 

It could be that she parties so hard on ST patties day that she won't remeber anything that happened the week before.

 

For 3/14/2001----->

Aries: (March 21--April 19)
There's a lot to be said for self-improvement, but making yourself more aerodynamic is probably a waste of time.

Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
Your generosity with others pays off this week when the terrorists spare most of the hostages in exchange for a helicopter and one million Swiss francs.

Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
You're one of those hyper-competitive sorts who believe that something as trivial as a foosball loss makes you a lesser person. Well, it does.

Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
It's time to end your long, foolish disagreement with an old friend. Her pronunciation of "tomato" is, in fact, correct.

Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
Look at it this way: Nine times out of ten, you probably would have charmed that snake.

Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
You will commit a classic dating faux pas this week when, at a classy French bistro, you shoot your dinner companion 17 times.

Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
Your theory that the human scalp is an ablative heat shield designed to burn off upon re-entry into the atmosphere will be disproved in government tests.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
Deny it all you want, but that giant robot from the Queen album cover is real and he hates you.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
Just because you once shoplifted a candy bar in Toronto, that doesn't make you a "suave international criminal."

Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
Try to overcome your fear of trains this week. Stand in front of one to prove it can't possibly hurt you.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
You can't shake the feeling that there's much more to life than watching Rockford Files reruns all day. However, you can live with it.

Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
The stars expect you to be professional and abide by their decision to kill you off to boost ratings and move the sluggish storyline along.

 

OMG, the Virgo one was hilarious!

 

I've never played foosball.

 

I have vested that super-competitive portion of my personality in my husband in order that I may appear to be wonderfully nice, sweetness and light, at all times, and yet still retain the delicious thrill of the Dark Side.

Ah! It's wonderful being a Gemini and being able to have two completely different personalities!

 

Getting nervous here... it's "day four"

 

Actually, yesterday was Day 4. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. I still like the theory that your partying on St. Patty's Day will make you blank out Thursday, Friday and Saturday of this week.

Phil

 

I'd just like to say that the horoscope doesn't really apply to me, but I had a dream last night that I met all of you guys here at the forum. It was weird. But maybe that means I'll be meeting you in the near future. Hmm... "Always in motion, is the future..."

 

Did the date March 25 and the Oscars appear in your dream? Stay tuned.

Phil

 

Hmph!! I ALWAYS charm the snakes!

 

For March 20:

Aries: (March 21--April 19)
You will find yourself torn between two lovers, one who is giving and kind and refuses to let you go, and another who chains you to the bumper of his truck.

Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
While it's true that deciding to begin is half the battle, the rest turns out to be a bloody contest of attrition in the treacherous Khyber Pass.

Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
The stars thank you for your interest, but you do not fit their needs at this time. Good luck in future endeavors.

Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
Your hatred of the strange and unfamiliar leads you to open hundreds of identical fast-food restaurants.

Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
Sooner or later, you're going to have to stop and think about whose money it is, what the girl's name might be, what's in the bags of white powder, and why that helicopter sound keeps getting louder.

Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
You will be disproportionately rewarded for your ability to manipulate a standard-issue baseball.

Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
Events that will eventually win you fame as the Human Tiddlywink are starting to come together in a Pittsburgh manhole-cover factory.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
You will never completely overcome your murderous rage at the people who turned an anti-corporate Devo song into an ad jingle for Target.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
Look on the bright side: After the next four years, they probably won't elect another Republican in your lifetime.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
Attempts to bring you to justice will ultimately prove fruitless, forcing justice to come to you with its own fruit.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
Though the moon seems large in the night sky, you can cover it up with a nickel. However, this will cause an eclipse, so don't do it casually.

Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
You will be worshipped as a god when you demonstrate your lighter to the natives, all of whom smoke but forgot to bring matches.


-Le Penguin
"You can to anything at ZomboCom..."

 

I guess I just can't hit The Onion fast enough this morning.....

 

Ouch! That hurt!

 

Don't worry, Gemmy!

The stars in THIS galaxy may not need us, but relax and bask in the realization that we are truly appreciated in a galaxy far, far away...

 

Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20) You will be worshipped as a god when you demonstrate your lighter to the natives, all of whom smoke but forgot to bring matches.

Adding them to my packing list now!

 

Even though it should have said goddess.

Phil

 

Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
While it's true that deciding to begin is half the battle, the rest turns out to be a bloody contest of attrition in the treacherous Khyber Pass.

You know that is why I never bother to begin anything

 

So true, Steph! So true!