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  1. In Memory of LAJ_FETT: Please share your remembrances and condolences HERE

Chic, IL This weeks horoscope

Discussion in 'MidWest Regional Discussion' started by NOT_JediJeff, Mar 7, 2001.

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  1. jedigal

    jedigal Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Sep 21, 2000
    Have a great trip, 'Femme!
     
  2. Le_Penguin

    Le_Penguin Jedi Youngling star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 26, 2000
    They have an eerie ability to hit dangerously close to home on a lot of mine...

    -Le Penguin
    -whose horoscope around this time two years ago was "There are more important things in life than the new Star Wars movie, just not in your life."
     
  3. Stardreamer

    Stardreamer Jedi Youngling star 3

    Registered:
    Nov 26, 2000
    Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
    Your hatred of the strange and unfamiliar leads you to open hundreds of identical fast-food restaurants.


    Coming soon, to a strip mall near you:

    The Rancor Grill!

    ::chuckle::


    Thom
     
  4. JediJeff13

    JediJeff13 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 27, 2000
    3/28/01: Penguin - not picking up my slack. Geeeeez.....

    Aries: (March 21--April 19)
    Stop worrying so much about what your friends think. You should only care about the opinions of decent people.

    Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
    You pride yourself on learning something new every day, but next Wednesday will provide you with a greater education in primate anatomy and high-energy physics than you really wanted.

    Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
    The monsters that rampage through your slumber party will be different from the ones that terrorized Party Beach just a few days ago.

    Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
    You might be feeling down about your choice of careers this week, but look on the bright side: You're still the best deal in town.

    Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
    The story of your life turns out to be a ripoff of Donald Westlake's 1975 crime-caper novel Two Much!

    Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
    Just keep telling the officers "No hablo Ingles." Unless they're Mexican. In that case, run.

    Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
    When the girl you picked up at the bar said she could "peel a banana with it," she was actually talking about the Peelerator, a handy, labor-saving device she sells out of her bedroom.

    Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
    There's just something about you that screams gay. But that's okay, as it's your voice, and you're doing it on purpose.

    Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
    A word of advice: Though drywall cement is a substance, it is not the kind that can be abused.

    Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
    You've always thought that kicking the tires on used cars was smart, but next week you'll encounter a dealer who fills them with nitroglycerine.

    Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
    You just don't have time for any so-called "rocking" song that doesn't have cowbell-banging in the chorus.

    Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
    Two-time Academy Award winner Jack Lemmon will call you at home next Thursday to inform you that he has no intention of ever portraying you.
     
  5. JediGemini

    JediGemini Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 28, 2000
    Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
    The monsters that rampage through your slumber party will be different from the ones that terrorized Party Beach just a few days ago.

    Wow! I must be in Townsville with all these monsters causing havoc! PowerPuff Girls! HHHHHHEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!

    "Fighting crime, trying to save the world, where they are just in time... The PowerPuff Girls..."
     
  6. JediJeff13

    JediJeff13 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 27, 2000
    4/4/2001 (a day early.....I'm so psychic)

    Aries: (March 21--April 19)
    There comes a moment in every person's life when one must honestly evaluate one's worth as a human being. You should put this moment off indefinitely.

    Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
    Your replacement by more than 10,000 miles of super-efficient fiber-optic cable is scheduled to begin next week.

    Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
    No one will catch your witty, conversational George Romero reference next week, embarrassing you and the entire courtroom.

    Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
    You will inspire a disappointing, half-hearted Lifetime Channel original movie after waking from an eight-hour coma.

    Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
    You will go down in medical history as the first North American to succumb to foot-and-mouth-and-kidney-and-eye-socket-and-lung disease.

    Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
    Armed government agents will again prohibit you from attending Milan's oh-so-very Spring Fashion Week.

    Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
    All the time and effort you've put into preparing for your future should come in handy over the next nine days.

    Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
    After years of using, selling, and enjoying the stuff, you still can't figure out why they call it "dope."

    Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
    Though you've never even heard of the "Cool-O-Meter," you'll score a measly three on it next Wednesday.

    Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
    You'll set the custom of open-casket funerals back years when you demand that a rather non-traditional part of your casket be left open.

    Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
    Your flagging interest in the arts will be rekindled by the realization that there is a Bat-girl.

    Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
    Though it's demonstrably true that "[you] do not have problems; everyone in the rest of the world does," knowing this will do nothing to help you get along with the other members of human society.
     
  7. MaraJadeSkywalkerFF

    MaraJadeSkywalkerFF Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 27, 2000
    Wow... that really sucks!
     
  8. JediGemini

    JediGemini Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 28, 2000
    Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
    No one will catch your witty, conversational George Romero reference next week, embarrassing you and the entire courtroom.

    Yes, I may be witty :D ,but who's George Romero? ?[face_plain]
     
  9. Mos_Eisleian_Radio

    Mos_Eisleian_Radio Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 26, 2000
    George Romero is the director of Night of the Living Dead and its 2 sequels, Dawn of the Dead and Day of the Dead.

    Phil
     
  10. JediGemini

    JediGemini Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 28, 2000
    Oh... Thanks, Phil! This Romero sounds like a happy guy...

    Jeff, you gotta keep track of which name you post under...
     
  11. BoB

    BoB Moderator Emeritus star 4 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Jul 8, 1998
    Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
    Your replacement by more than 10,000 miles of super-efficient fiber-optic cable is scheduled to begin next week.

    With my company I wouldn't be surprised.
     
  12. JediJeff13

    JediJeff13 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 27, 2000
    I just beat that pseudo JediJeff wanna-be this week.
     
  13. NOT_JediJeff

    NOT_JediJeff Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Dec 18, 2000
    Yeah.....whatever loser.
     
  14. JediJeff13

    JediJeff13 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 27, 2000
    Geeez......take your pill Not_JJ. :D
     
  15. Bobafemme

    Bobafemme FF Jedi Council Member, Chicago IL RSA Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Nov 25, 2000
    For March 20 this was my horoscope:pisces:
    You will be worshipped as a god when you demonstrate your lighter to the natives, all of whom smoke but forgot to bring matches.

    If I would have listened, it would have come true. On vacation, this guy with uber hot tattoos asked me for a light. Why didn't I pack a lighter? I could have become a demigoddess.
     
  16. JediJeff13

    JediJeff13 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 27, 2000
    Jokes on you, Femme - he needed a bulb for his desklamp. :)
     
  17. Mos_Eisleian_Radio

    Mos_Eisleian_Radio Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 26, 2000
    Since no one else did, I may as well post The Onion's horoscope for this week:

    This Week's Horoscopes - 4/11/01

    By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
    Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer

    Aries: (March 21--April 19)
    When you said no one could tell you how to live your life, you forgot about the warden and all those guards.

    Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
    You will receive an urgent transmission from the Martian government informing you that Mars does not, in fact, need women, so please stop sending them.

    Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
    The people who brought you Beethoven and Beethoven's 2nd have had time to think about it and are now willing to take them back.

    Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
    Your insistence that mere psychology is behind the recent stock-market swings will go largely unheeded by the other panhandlers.

    Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
    Does anybody want a perfectly good coffeemaker? The stars are giving up coffee and just want to get rid of the thing. It's a nice one, barely used.

    Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
    You'll learn from experience that appointing a 10-member steering committee isn't the best way to drive a truck.

    Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
    Be assured that the gods of Love and Mercy have heard your pleas for help. They have taped them and enjoy playing them for huge laughs at their god parties.

    Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
    Scorpio would like to point out that it's a lot easier to predict exciting futures for people who leave the house sometimes.

    Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
    You will be struck with an incredible flash of near-divine insight next Tuesday, suddenly making you aware of the reason the chicken crossed the road.

    Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
    Your biting, acerbic sense of humor will be magically transformed into a lightly irreverent, playful one by Hollywood executives.

    Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
    You just can't shake the feeling that, while he might not have shot anybody, Puffy must be guilty of something.

    Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
    Money woes will continue to plague you for the foreseeable future. But, gee, you should be used to it by now, right?



    Phil
     
  18. NOT_JediJeff

    NOT_JediJeff Jedi Youngling star 1

    Registered:
    Dec 18, 2000
    Nobody picks up the slack.....thanks. That's the last time JJ and I go on vacation together! :D

    4/25/2001
    Aries: (March 21--April 19)
    You will learn that you are 1/64th Chippewa. Honor your heritage by finding a use for every part of the burrito.

    Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
    Strangely, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.

    Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
    A vision of Christ will appear before you, page through His Heavenly Book Of Geminis, read your chapter to Himself, and disappear laughing.

    Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
    You will make People's list of the 25 Most Fatiguing People Of 2001.

    Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
    This will be a lucky week, indeed, since no one enjoys a good concussion more than you.

    Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
    When you boasted last week that "nothing can stop me now," you apparently forgot about syphilis.

    Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
    The Publishers Clearinghouse Prize Patrol will cruelly prank you this week by presenting you with an enormous novelty check for 63 cents.

    Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
    Your near-illiteracy and slavish devotion to '70s retro kitsch lead you to shock and disturb your friends when you unveil your new Pet C*ck.

    Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
    Investigators from several federal agencies will conclude that the failure of an 89-cent O-ring caused you to explode over Florida.

    Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
    Your innocent inquiry regarding the origin of the term "panhandler" incites three bums to beat you to death with cast-iron skillets.

    Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
    Your attempt to double-cross the mob ends badly when you discover that most crooks are not as bumbling as Disney had led you to believe.

    Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
    Your fascination with the Vietnam War, combined with your love of romance novels and vampire myths, cause you to produce the worst work of fiction ever.
     
  19. JediJeff13

    JediJeff13 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 27, 2000
    5/9/01 It's that time again. And in advance, I just want to say - sorry Virgos. Sorry.

    Aries: (March 21--April 19)
    Please help clean up your world! After all, your mother doesn't live here, at least not after next Thursday.

    Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
    It might not be a comfort, but if we lived in a parallel universe where bulldozers are sentient beings, a certain one would be apologizing profusely right now.

    Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
    The stars aren't exactly Cole Porter, but "If I Can't Have You, I'd Like A Small Order Of Fries" doesn't seem to have "hit" written all over it.

    Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
    You will meet dozens of people as cold and unfeeling as yourself after taking out an ad in the impersonals section of your newspaper.

    Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
    Try not to beat yourself up over your failings. After all, there are plenty of people willing to do the job for you.

    Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
    There's no easy way to say this, but a falling plate-glass window will shear you in half next Friday. Actually, that was pretty easy, come to think.

    Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
    After all these years, the arresting officers still get a little flustered when you try to tip them.

    Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
    Though you may never actually find your soulmate in this lifetime, any decent supermarket will provide you with a lifetime supply of Coffee-Mate.

    Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
    Sometimes, you think that becoming a corporate lawyer stained your soul and destroyed your faith in humanity. However, there is the money.

    Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
    Your ex-wife says you're six feet of stunted emotional growth in a bad tie. Better get a new tie.

    Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
    Remember those less fortunate than yourself next week. You can find them in burn wards and leper colonies.

    Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
    You will be the 37th overall pick in this week's NFL Slow-Old-Guy Supplemental Draft.
     
  20. Shara

    Shara Jedi Padawan star 4

    Registered:
    Dec 4, 2000
    I don't know about all you other Gemini's, but I like to associate love with fried startches. Shouldn't we all? ;p
     
  21. Bobafemme

    Bobafemme FF Jedi Council Member, Chicago IL RSA Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Nov 25, 2000
    Forget the horoscopes, The Onion's front page is spectacular this week. Those porn stars demand too much!


    Yes, I know there are lots o' edits. Trying to make the link visible. :)
     
  22. JediJeff13

    JediJeff13 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 27, 2000
    I was TEMPTED to post that, Femme - but let's face it. Adults only this week.
     
  23. JediJeff13

    JediJeff13 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 27, 2000
    Wow.....been a while. Not_JJ is slipping (the b@stard). Hmmm.....I wonder which of our posting/luking Geminis is named Steven? :)

    6/20/01

    Aries: (March 21--April 19)
    Your execution by lethal injection will spark endless debate on whether capital punishment in America is cool-looking enough.

    Taurus: (April. 20--May 20)
    Don't be superstitious: The camera doesn't steal a piece of your soul every time it captures your image. Just look at all those people on the TV.

    Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
    The stars have decided that you, Steven P. Kreindler, wannabe Eurotrash vulture, will never get laid again.

    Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
    If there were a way to foretell next week without a tall dark stranger, a journey over water, or an old flame who still burns for you, we would. Sorry.

    Leo: (July 23--Aug. 22)
    You've always felt that your father is in Heaven watching over you, a belief that's kept you from getting a good night's sleep for 24 years.

    Virgo: (Aug. 23--Sept. 22)
    At the end of the day, the important thing is that you stood up to the shark and didn't run away like a sissy.

    Libra: (Sept. 23--Oct. 23)
    Nailing the parrot to your shoulder may keep it secure while you're climbing the rigging or sailing rough seas, but it'll also make it harder to replace.

    Scorpio: (Oct. 24--Nov. 21)
    You will be overjoyed next week to meet the most shameless slut the world has ever known, at long last ending your search for your real mother.

    Sagittarius: (Nov. 22--Dec. 21)
    You've changed, man. The stars remember when it was all about the future and your fortune, not all this other bull****.

    Capricorn: (Dec. 22--Jan. 19)
    Jesus isn't likely to accept your last-minute deathbed repentance, so remind Him firmly that He doesn't make the rules.

    Aquarius: (Jan. 20--Feb. 18)
    You have no idea how petty your ethnic squabbles seem to people outside of the Des Moines area.

    Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
    Your academic reputation will be ruined when the truth comes out that your dissertation's central thesis is identical to the plot of Monkey Trouble.
     
  24. DarthJurist

    DarthJurist Admin Emeritus star 5 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Dec 10, 2000
    :(

    *Sniff*

    What, no updates?

    And yes, I am too lazy to go the Onion site myself. Besides, it's much more fun to make JJ make N_JJ do it for me.

    Ok, now my brain hurts.

    ~H~
     
  25. JediJeff13

    JediJeff13 Jedi Grand Master star 4

    Registered:
    Nov 27, 2000
    I'll check with NOT_JJ, but I believe there is no new Onion this week.
     
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