Chic, IL This weeks horoscope

(from October 31)

Aries: (March 21?April 19)
Reviews will claim you have "reinvented the coming-of-age story" and "singlehandedly raised the bar for first novels," but you don't recall doing anything.

Taurus: (April. 20?May 20)
Though the theory behind your genetically enhanced egg-frying/toast-making humanoid is sound, it is an inelegant solution to a nonexistent problem.

Gemini: (May 21?June 21)
After spending countless hours in career counseling in an effort to identify the color of your parachute, the damn thing will fail to open.

Cancer: (June 22?July 22)
After weeks of pleading, the powers-that-be will grant your wish to be humanity's liaison to the fish, just to shut you up.

Leo: (July 23?Aug. 22)
Urban legends allude to babysitters microwaving babies, but they leave out important stuff like cooking times.

Virgo: (Aug. 23?Sept. 22)
The world is not ready for your way of thinking. Nor will it ever be while sensible men run the dental-supply industry.

Libra: (Sept. 23?Oct. 23)
The stars have announced a recall on all '66-'79 Libras. Please report to the nearest Libra service center.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24?Nov. 21)
You aren't sure where you got the idea to start your own business as a catbather, but you have to admit it's pretty stupid.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22?Dec. 21)
You will defy all conventional wisdom when you take a long leap without looking, but not without hesitating slightly first.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22?Jan. 19)
Your wacky plan to choose stocks using a monkey with a dartboard backfires when the damn thing turns out to have an M.B.A. from Harvard.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20?Feb. 18)
The moon is indeed rising in your sign, but no one can figure out what to do with it at the moment. Just enjoy the pretty moon for a while.

Pisces: (Feb. 19?March 20)
As long as people continue to ignore the lessons of history, there's always a chance that you will one day find love.

 

Phew. I'm not part of the recall. I think I finally have proof positive I'm NOT damaged goods.

 

Well, guess I'm not going to be jumping out of any planes anytime soon...

 

From January 16, 2002:

This Week's Horoscopes
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.
Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B.-Certified Astrologer


Aries: (March 21?April 19)
Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big f#&@!% problems you got, a#%@!#.

Taurus: (April. 20?May 20)
You will discover that, indeed, it is fun to stay at the YMCA, but that's hardly the whole story.

Gemini: (May 21?June 21)
After 90 healthy, prosperous years, you will die in bed surrounded by loved ones, bringing your life as a masochist to a bitter, tragic end.

Cancer: (June 22?July 22)
The old saying, "It takes all kinds to make a world," will be amended this week to exclude you.

Leo: (July 23?Aug. 22)
If you've ever wondered how long you could endure without the comforts of human love, you should find the next 57 years very illuminating.

Virgo: (Aug. 23?Sept. 22)
Though you say you don't believe in God, don't worry: He doesn't believe in you, either.

Libra: (Sept. 23?Oct. 23)
There are some things money can't buy. There are also some things money can buy, but that people won't sell to you out of sheer spite.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24?Nov. 21)
Your innovative new clock-radio design will be the subject of a three-page spread in next month's issue of Unpopular Science.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22?Dec. 21)
After a nice, private walk on the beach, you are disturbed to find a set of footprints where someone?or something?seems to have been walking beside you.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22?Jan. 19)
Your gym teacher will be forced to apologize after wrongly assuming that a little rain wouldn't hurt you.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20?Feb. 18)
Try as you might, you can't seem to drum up the enthusiasm society seems to expect of you.

Pisces: (Feb. 19?March 20)
Keep telling yourself that it's just a movie. It's not, of course, but doing so may make it easier to bear.

Phil

 

Ahhhh....I miss when NOT_JJ would get off his @ss and actually post those. He has now shown himself as totally useless.

Good riddance.

 

April 2002

Aries:
Powers beyond your control will soon determine your fate while you wait patiently in your car.
Taurus:
When your plane crashes in the Andes, you will be forced to eat the flight crew, making you glad you chose to fly Succulent Pig Airlines.
Gemini:
That old saying about cowards dying a thousands deaths while heroes die but once will occur to you at an extremely apt moment.
Cancer:
There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope finding love. None of them, however, are very good.
Leo:
You will be shocked & embarrassed when arresting officers inform you that cockfighting is not supposed to involve chickens.
Virgo:
Virgo os proud to introduce the 2003 Horoscopes, boasting twice the horsepower and 30% more rear seat legroom.
Libra:
Your mother's advice will fail you when you start carefully sounding out the hard words during a speech before the House Subcommitee For Millitary Appropriations.
Scorpio:
You will undergo a profound personal change that results in your finally paying your phone bill, if you know what,s good for you.
Sagittarius:
Forces are being set in motion that will forever change the way you look at microwaveble Mexican dinners.
Capricorn:
The Gods of Justice say they will hear your petition just as soon as they have finish discussing the designated-hitter rule.
Aquarius:
You will experience deep spiritual vertigo when you realize there is nothing else in the world you want to buy.
Pisces:
Though there is a patron saint of being finely minced, you remember his name far too late.