Beyond - Legends Thoughts From Orphans (Ben Skywalker introspection vignette)

Title: Thoughts from Orphans
Author: Briannakin
Timeframe: Post FOTJ
Characters: Ben Skywalker
Categorization: Legends Cannon
Notes: This hit me one night months ago as I was driving home in the dark and the rain and I had to get it out. It remained unfinished for a while, but I decided to finish it one night when I needed to.



Hey Mom.

I’m not sure why I am writing this. I guess I just wanted to talk to you. But you have been dead how many years? Fourteen? Yeah. It will be fourteen after the warm season.

You have been dead so long that I actually have to stop to think about the number. I have to do the math to figure out how many years it has been. And yet, the fact that you are dead sometimes strikes me as a sudden gut-punch. It will knock the life from me. It will still make me want to curl up and cry, as I just did.

I’ll be driving home from playing holo games with my friends, having a great time and laughing, then I will realize it has been so long since I’ve heard you laugh, so long since you have beaten me at some dumb game, so long since we just sat on grassy hillsides and talked.

I’ll remember that you were never at my knighting ceremony, and when I become a Master, you won’t be there to tell me how proud you are of me.

You’ll never see the newest episode of Healer Who, or even know they are making new Star Saga episodes (oh, you would have loved to mock this Ren guy). I’m pretty psyched that they are making a movie about how the original Death Star plans were stolen, and I think you would be too. I’ll make sure to see it twice, for you.

You would have been seventy-two this year. Kriff, thinking that makes me realize how long it has been and how young you were when you died.

I wonder, where would you be today? You know, if you were still “among the living”. Next to Dad. I think he is on Corellia right now, doing some conference. I honestly wasn’t paying attention past “trade negotiations” when he told me about it. I don’t think you would have paid attention either.

He misses you. I keep him busy - I have since you left. And he is really excited about the prospect of grandchildren, one day, in the far future. But he never moved on from you. I didn’t think he would. He still wears his wedding ring. But at least now, he smiles whenever your name is brought up, like he is remembering better times.

I told him the other day it was your fault I got a sunburn on my most recent mission, darn ginger genetics. He laughed and said I needed to be more prepared.

Now that 14 years since you died, you have been dead for more of my life than you were alive. That thought crushes me. You are such a huge part of me, and yet, you haven’t been here for so very long.

It was cruel, that you were taken from us when I needed you the most, but I’ve stopped blaming you. I blamed many people who didn’t deserve it, including myself. But I’m learning to forgive. I hope you have forgiven me, and can forgive me, for forgetting how many years it has been.

Love, always,

Ben

 

You’ll never see the newest episode of Healer Who, or even know they are making new Star Saga episodes (oh, you would have loved to mock this Ren guy). I’m pretty psyched that they are making a movie about how the original Death Star plans were stolen, and I think you would be too. I’ll make sure to see it twice, for you.

Apart from these text lines and the ones about Luke I was very sad & touched while reading Ben´s letter. Very poignant. Good job!

 

How heart-tuggingly and shockingly realistic this is! The it's been so long since I heard you laugh and then yet at the same time, it hits you all over again that this essential and cherished person is gone.

You would have been seventy-two this year. Kriff, thinking that makes me realize how long it has been and how young you were when you died.

Wow, somehow the concrete number makes it all the more stark, doesn't it?

And the stuff about Luke not moving on and still wearing his wedding ring. Uber!lovableness! Not a surprise, though. Glad he can laugh and remember with more sweet than bitter.

~~

Reading this particular section was an eye-opener. I had no idea until it was spelled out. It truly makes you realize how much life has moved on for Ben, in a growing up and experiencing fashion - although of course he still mourns:
Now that 14 years since you died, you have been dead for more of my life than you were alive.

~~

This also resonates in true-to-life emotional reaction for out time and place:
It was cruel, that you were taken from us when I needed you the most, but I’ve stopped blaming you. I blamed many people who didn’t deserve it, including myself. But I’m learning to forgive. I hope you have forgiven me, and can forgive me, for forgetting how many years it has been.

Exquisite and awesomely written. You have Ben Skywalker down to a science and an art.

 

Such a touching introspection. There is a certain guilt that comes when you realize you aren't really mourning a person anymore - and you feel like you've betrayed their importance in your life by having fun or just going about your life when you think you should be grieving. My own mom's been gone for almost ten years, so long that I have to think, well she passed away in September 2007 and it's almost September 2016 now, so... And you think about all the experiences you should have shared together. All the memories you should have made together.

I like how Ben has finally learned to reconcile himself with this terrible event. You always want to find someone to blame so that you can direct your rage, but eventually that all has to be put aside. He'll never be over Mara's murder, but he has found a way to live with the scar.

 

As I have said in comments to one of your other stories, you're an excellent, excellent first person writer and it somehow works much better with your style. And when it comes to letters, it's even better!

A letter to an absent parent, however, makes me wonder just how much of this may be influenced or shaped by your own experiences. Us who experienced that earlier than other people did, we tend to weave it into everything, even subconsciously, without even being aware of it. And the point where he says that Mara is more present now than when she was alive just about killed me. The moments tend to come alive so many years later, for whatever reason...

That said, from what I (think) I know, Ben never reached this age in the actual Legends universe, but if he did, such reflections about his mother would probably be a normal occurrence to him. Believable and beautiful.

Another thing I find striking is how the nu-canon universe is fictional here. Wow!

I'm doing this the other way round, my characters aren't quite sure if Revan was real and...this kind of stuff excites me!

 

Oh, how I miss my Ben Skywalker. Such a nice little viggie. I'm glad Luke is starting to remember the good times. I was always made they'd killed Mara. But as a writer, I guess I could see why. But still.

 

Ohhhhh Bri....

This was just beautiful. Heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, but beautiful. You captured Ben's voice so well, so real. He felt like a real person who genuinely missed his mother. The letter was just the right balance of being conversational without being informal. Just amazing.

THIS:

I don't know why, but that part got to me! The shared inside-joke type thing that they both would have zoned out when Luke began yammering....I just love that. What a Mara thing to do, and a Ben thing to remember, and almost immortalize.

You kill me. You really do. But in the best darn way. I love your face.

Irish

 

Some ultra-late replies:

Thanks

Thanks. The memories can be so distant. You learn to live with the loss, but there are the moments that just come out of nowhere that make you realize how long it has been, yet it might have well been yesterday.

And yeah, the harsh numbers can be the true gut punch, because then you realize it wasn't yesterday and so much has happened since then.

Thanks. I've always said I've identified closely with our dear Ben Skywalker.

Thanks. It has gotten to the point where I now have to do the math for my father's death, but every milestone is still bittersweet, because they should be celebrate with you.

And yeah, having someone to blame is always hard, because having someone to blame means you are justified in your rage, which isn't healthy to hang onto.

Thank you. I'll totally admit that my personal feelings and experience inspired and shaped this fic quite a lot.

No he didn't. He would be about 27-28 in this fic, and I believe the oldest he appears in Legends is at 18/19 years old. Thank you. I really identify with Ben and as sad as I am that we wont get new stuff with him, his future is in the best hands... MINE

Well, I couldn't resist a nod to the nu-canon.

Thanks. I'm mad they killed off Mara too, even as a writer, there was no reason for it (ugh).

Thanks. And yeah, Ben would totally immortalize his mother when it came to ignoring Luke