Thraxwhirl's Carnival Bizarre

lands in a tree

Cults are useful
They provide protection and offer enlightenment.

The Mandalorians are far more interesting that way.
Scrap the enlightment and declare war on the nearest planet

[Zombie] The honour and glory of battle is what matters [/Zombie]


The Sith cult is fun to
Much more fun then the Jedi, they don't even let you own material objects

 

*Waits with an air of wonderous anticipation for Thrax's next post.*

Good to see you again Buddy!

 

My most humblest apologies for taking several days to get around to posting this.

I'm actually in the middle of trying to deal with a few things here and there. I've had some PC-related troubles, including a problem on my motherboard... and this evening, as I write, I'm in the middle of composing an email to a chappie in California who's been waiting for me to get back to him about some important stuff...

...so, alas, I'm in a hurry and not stopping.

BUT, in recognition, gratitude and appreciation of your most generous praises, I shall quickly post for you all another cutting from the Gondor Gazette letters page, which I hope you will all find most informative and educational:

Sauron's Advice Column - Karaoke Selection

by Adz (17th November 2002)


A Short-Arse Writes:

Dear Sauron,

I'm feeling glum today, Lord of Middle Earth. I had arranged to meet with a kind yet bossy friend of my uncle in a tavern, so that he might escort me to a soiré just beyond the Ford. He seemed most insistant that I get here without delay, and he even had me sell my house to some miserable relatives of mine who frankly got it for a steal. Since then I've been pestered by my gardener who follows me everywhere - even into the bathroom - chased by a farmer's dogs, sniffed up and down by asthmatic horsemen, and held in a full nelson by a carniverous oak tree! The final straw came when I was forced to endure the busking of some patronising, sandle-wearing hippy with an irrepressible optimism that suggests he doesn't take my problems seriously, and I flipped out when he pinched my jewelry!

I now find myself drinking too much in this pub, where I've been stood up by my uncle's friend; my travelling companions are getting beered up and discussing all my private problems with anyone who'll listen, and a bearded stranger in the corner is eyeing me up while he smokes a pipe full of ganja like there's no bloody tomorrow. I think he fancies me, and that's deeply unsettling.

However, it's Karaoke Night tonight at the Prancing Pony, and I always find a good singsong lifts my spirits. Once my airheaded cousins have finished their duet of Let's Call the Whole Thing Off, my gardener is up for a turn at Blue Monday. I figure if these little sods can embarrass us all in this unfamilliar town, then I might as well let myself go.

So my question is this: what do you suppose I should sing? I enjoy songs about animals and cutlery - any suggestions?

Yours, Frodo Bag- err... Underhill, unemployed, a 2-star public house, Bree.

P.S. How do you shave, beneath that armour? Just curious.



Sauron Writes:

Dear Frodo,

You cannot hiiiide!! I see yoouuu!!

Impressive, huh? You should see the visual effects I've been working on. David Blaine'll **** 'imself, I swear!

Now, where was I?

Oh yes...Cry me a feckin' river, Honey! You think you've got problems? You want to try potty training 50,000 orcs sometime. The Dark Tower stinks worse than a frenchman's toilet, and the noise Gorbag makes when he eats 'Leg of Sindarin' would make a troll blush.
I've been a lone parent since the end of the First Age, when Melkor got drunk and picked a fight with the Valar. Social Services had his orphaned Balrogs taken away, and I was left to rear nine hungry Nazgul on my own. I didn't go crying to nanny, did I? No, I took a class in Metalwork, and built up a rather successful blacksmith's concern in the fires of Mount Doom. Long hours I worked, slaving over a hot furnace, and I was just getting things back on track when an industrial incident cost me a finger. My compensation has been with-held, and I'm still pursuing action against Minas Tirith for lost earnings to this day!

You've got things easy, mate, and I'm tired of taking your crap. Who gives a stuff what song you mangle with your feeble halfling accent?

My advice would be to get stoned with that ranger in the corner, then turn in early for

 

Genius!!!!

 

BRAVO!!!!!!!!!

Encore ... encore.

 

You are too funny. I'm sure it's a crime to be that funny.

 

Maybe
But Thrax is King, and no-one can better the King.

 

Yay, Thrax

 

All hail King Thrax!!!

 

Oh please, you folks are too kind.

I'm nothing special really. But Thank you.

Here's another nugget of the Dark Lord's wisdom:

Sauron's Advice Column - Gimli's Dilemma.

by Adam (5th January 2003)


A Transvestite Writes:

Dear Sauron,

People keep asking if I'm a woman! It must be something to do with my beard, although I do try to dress pretty butch. I want to look my best for tonight's battle, especially since Haldir can be so snide with his remarks. Unfortunately my chainmail suit is far too long. Legolas keeps making fun of me, and I don't know the Quenya for "take up the hem, and stop giggling like a pointy-eared schoolgirl." Anyhow, this all means that I feel my identity has been called into question, and my sexuality is now in doubt.

Also, I'm concerned that one of my close friends has taken a shine to me. Aragorn keeps wanting to toss me for some reason. Is it too slutty during the second film, or should I wait until the third, thereby showing him I'm not 'easy'. I know he likes me, but I want to be respected in the morning. What should I do?

I'd be grateful if you could answer these tricky problems, and while you're at it, tell me - how much are riding lessons?

Yours, Gimli Son of Gloin, beneath a pile of wargs, Rohan.



Sauron Writes:

Dear Miss Gimli,

You're not fooling anyone. It's a well-known fact that Dwarves are all the same sex, and that you reproduce like amoebas. Bloody good job too, as I wouldn't ** I CANNOT print this here, folks! ** if Saruman was pushing me in the back. Who cares what you wear to battle? No one's gonna see you behind the ramparts, but if you want to get even with Haldir, wear black lipstick - he's never mastered the gothic look, and it makes him so jealous.

As for the advances of your friend, I suggest you give in to your feelings and get it while you can. You needn't worry about whether or not he'll respect you in the morning - the uruks will have killed you by then!

And on the matter of horseriding, well Uvatha used to teach a trick or two, but his stupid nag drowned in the three-thirty at Bruinin. I lost a fortune on that one; the bookies were laughing all the way to the bank. Anyway, he does now teach a class on Fell Beast if you're interested. His fee is pretty steep, but to you my dear, One Ring should suffice.

I hope this answers your questions, doll. Good luck.

Death to the enemies of Mordor!!!

Yours, Sauron, Lord of Middle Earth, Mordor.

Due to age-rating issues, I just HAD to remove a part of that. If any of you are too blissfully naive, as a result of a sheltered life, to infer what the phrase I censored might be, PM me and I'll tell you.

 

Bravo!

How do you come up with this stuff?

 

Difficult to say, Richie. You'd have to ask the voices in my head where they get their ideas. Good luck. I've tried, but they refuse to elaborate... to me at least.

I very much suspect it's because they don't like me, but perhaps they'll take more kindly to an outsider. Who can say?

But, ack, 'tis a rum old business, wouldn't you say? And speaking of business, I was just leafing through an old copy of the Gondor Gazette the other day, which I was about to chuck out with the trash, when I chanced upon a few old Classifieds, and I wondered if they might be of interest to you...

Here they are:

Classified ADZ (obvious pun intended)

By Adz (March 2003)



Employment/Business Services



Situation Vacant:

Housekeeper required to clean up mess. I am in desperate need of the service of a cleaner/housekeeper to do 2-3 hrs per week, cleaning up the mess in my cave high in the mountains. I have acquired an enormous amount of paraphenallia these last centuries, which is strewn about the floor, and it's long past time I had everything put away tidily. Applicant must show great care with personal effects, as many such items are of inestimable value, such as an Arkenstone(one careful owner now deceased). Must also be trustworthy, as often you may be asked to attend to your duties while I am out committing one of my massacres. Essential to know that my trinkets are in safe hands, not greedy pockets. Must not be scared of heights, giant flapping wings, or loud roaring, nor wear highly flammable clothing. Tall non-smoker preferred. Dwarves and hobbits need not apply.

Contact Smaug the Golden, Lonely Mountain.



Bar Staff Wanted:


The Proprietor of the Prancing Pony at Bree, Mr Barliman Butterbur, wishes to take on new staff after recent resignations on grounds of mental health. Applicants must be thick-skinned, clumsy, able to take abuse, and have amusing phallic names, such as Willy, Dick or Pork Javelin.

Contact B. Butterbur, Bree.



Escort:


'Feathered Friends' Escort Services. Fast, efficient reliable. Will spirit you from A to B in style and comfort. Altitude to suit. Rescue missions a speciality. Will salvage client from wide variety of life-threatening scenarios, eg. burning trees, Tower of Orthanc and Cracks of Orodruin, at no extra charge(but cash up front). Rates negotiable, pending weight of customer(phone for details). Hobbits travel half fare. Double charge for grumpy dwarves and wizards.

Contact Gwahirr, Lord of the Eagles, Sky.




Would Like to Meet



Looking For Miss Right:


Lumberjack, M, seeks F for fun, laughter, romance and ****ting in woods. Must be caring and compassionate, broad-minded and understanding. Looking for someone not put off by excess facial hair, nor my double life as a bear.

Contact Beorne, far from civilisation.



Looking for a quick one before lunch:


F Seeks M for mating and no conversation. GSOH irrelevent. Must be huge and poisonous. Eight legs Minimum Requirement. Age unimportant, but must be able to manage stairs. Can pay travel expenses for one way journey. No timewasters please.

Contact Shelob, Mother of All Spiders, Cirith Ungol.



Planning a Reunion:


This one goes out to three Hill Trolls, Bill, Bert and Tom, who don't seem to have registered on Friends Reunited, so I thought I'd take out this ad. A big hello to you guys. Remember me? We met last summer in a woodland clearing. You were the three trolls, I was the short one with huge hairy feet. As I recall it was just before dawn and you three were cooking a stew. I hooted like an owl, you all turned to stone. If you'd still like to meet up for a meal, I'd love to oblige you. I suggest a vegetarian restaurant this time though.

Contact B. Baggins, Bag End, Hobbiton.





Trade

 

Excellent!

 

I dunno if you saw that Thread on Jesus Cheating at sports in the YJCC today, a-t-y, and the rest of you...

...but it reminded me of a curious chain of events that took place here in the strange environment that I laughingly call my mind, way back in the Summer of 2003.

In the July of that year I purchased a copy of Shakespeare in Love, a thoroughly enjoyable film that I had seen a few years back at the Cinema when it was first released. The movie tells the story of Shakespeare's relationship with a young lady whose ambition, or rather dream, is to be a player on the stage appearing in a production of a great romantic tale. Of course, in those days it was illegal for women to perform in theatres, and the female roles were played by young lads whose voices had not broken, and so her hopes of ever participating in such a venture are deemed impossible. However, upon meeting the bard himself and developing a relationship with him, she gets her opportunity to participate, alongside Shakespeare himself, in none other than the playwrite's most famous romantic story, Romeo and Juliet.

Of course, the above synopsis will be all too familiar to any who've seen the film(but for the benefit of any who've not seen it, I put it in). Less well known however, is that the picture is - I was amused to learn - "A Film by John Madden", according to the details, the precise words, upon the sleeve of the video case. And that's TRUE.

I therefore wrote the following piece:

Monday Night Shakespeare
aka Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet
brought to you by ABC Sports
with your hosts John Madden and Al Michaels

By Adz (13th July 2003)

Madden: "Now you see here Juliet has to plunge the dagger right in here ok? You can see it in slow-mo, and we're gonna use the telestrator to mark the spot... There it goes, in between the lungs and into the heart, and she is slain and collapses beside her fallen lover. Right there."

Michaels: "But ultimately, er, it's a bad call, since on the previous series, Romeo took poison unnecessarily on First and Goal."

Madden: "One thing ya can't do is force it. Timing is everything, and if you don't take an opportunity to 'Read' the situation, you're not gonna win this one. Romeo choked right there. It's game over."

Michaels: "A rookie mistake, John?"

Madden: "Hell no, we've seen plenty o' heroes in our time - respected players - foul it up and miss out on the big one 'cos they misread the situation. I'm thinkin' King Lear, I'm thinkin' Hamlet, MacBeth, Enobarbus. Hell, even Leontes messed up big, and he had the best coaching in all of Sicilia, though admittedly, he made a great comeback after the interval, just like the Bills in that awesome playoff game against the Oilers a coupla years back."

Michaels: "But it was close, John."

Madden: "Very close, Al."

Michaels: "You're watching Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet here live from the Curtain Theatre, London, with John Madden and Al Michaels. This game brought to you by Richard Burbage and Hugh Fennyman. We'll be back right after this word from your local sponsors."

Commercial: "Hi, I'm Bubba Parris, and like to talk to you about weight loss through Dysentry -" etc.

If you've not seen their marvelous telecasts, you haven't lived(well, not in my version of reality anyway). I never miss it.

 

I can just imagine Madden with his laser pointer, drawing all over the body. LOL!

 

How long does it take you to come up with this stuff Thrax?

 

*Dies laughing* Good lord, that's hilarious. I take it John Madden is some sort of sports commentator? *Is a dumb Canadian, knowing only Don Cherry of the eye-burning suits and terrifying politics* I just finished an eleven-page metaphysics paper, and your humour is exactly what I needed to keep my brain from exploding (always such a terrible mess when that happens).