Before Thunderous Wrath (Best Child and Best Villian 2010) Updated 4/12/11

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by Raphire, Sep 13, 2009.

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  1. GlindaForJediCouncil Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 21, 2009
    star 1
    Nice post :)
    I think things are going to be looking up for our dear Kiren
  2. littleobiwankenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 5, 2009
    star 1
    :)

    wonderful story, just found it. if you have a PM-List, please put on it.

    don´t want to miss the next chapter
  3. HelloKelly Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 12, 2009
    star 3
    Yay! Kiren got rescued by some creepy guy!!!!!!

    Lol. Good post. But you should update soon.

  4. Raphire Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 19, 2008
    star 4
    Gkilkenny Lol. Yeah he doesn't exactly give off the homless vibes does he? Lol. No, its a goodly amount in my opinion. Lol

    GlindaForJediCouncil They might be but then again maybe he is about to die! [face_laugh] Just kidding.

    littleobiwankenobi Thank you! Consider yourself added!

    HelloKelly I know!!!! Oops. I took forever in updating. But Update now!
  5. Raphire Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 19, 2008
    star 4
    Hardwood panels lay above him and grey walls surrounded him. Mace felt trapped and utterly alone. He?d been in this bed for nearly two whole

    days and the healers gave no indication of letting him go. It seemed that no matter what he did in life he was ultimately imprisoned. In all

    areas of life he remained trapped despite his fevered attempts to free himself.

    Mace?s breathing quickened as he strained to get up from the bed. His wrists burned as he hurtled his body up in a vain attempt to free

    himself. His legs suddenly locked in place and he screamed out in pain. Then he felt nothing. No pain in his legs or feet no feeling of the

    sheets against his legs. Nothing; he was paralyzed.

    He tried to pull his wrists from their shackles but the metal cut deep into his skin. His warm blood trickled down his arm and he cried

    out as the shackles slowly shrank around his hands. The bones ground against each other and his eyes rolled back into his head. But his

    consciousness would not let go. His mind would not let him faint. Slowly his eyes opened again and he glanced around in panic.

    Why was no one investigating his cries? Didn?t they hear him? He drew in a deep breath and screamed. A note of rage, pain, and fear that

    resounded throughout the room. He turned his head and glanced at the door. There was no one there. Mace tried to look out the window but his

    neck locked. He tried to wiggle his fingers. They wouldn?t respond. He was paralyzed? Again.

    He could do nothing now but stare at the wall. The little chips and cracks held no interest for him and yet he had nothing else to do? One, Two,

    Three, Fo- The wall jumped suddenly forward. He quickly rolled onto his back. The whole room contracted on him. Now he was in a box, the walls

    pressed up against the sides of the bed and the ceiling touching his nose. He was buried alive!

    Mace woke up to a needle pricking his arm. He flinched to the side. ?Sorry Dear.? The nurse standing over him said with a tolerant smile. Mace

    looked around. It was dark. ?What time is it?? The nurse looked down at him. ?Three in the morning. Now go back to sleep.? Mace stared up at

    her. Sweat covered his body and he was breathing heavily.

    How unobservant can this lady get? Disdain laced Mace?s thoughts. Besides there was no way he was going to get any more sleep tonight.

    The nurse went swiftly out of the room and shut the door. Leaving Mace alone in the dark. Mace tried to sit up but a strap across his chest

    stopped him. Trapped again.

    Mace stared into the dark, refusing to close his eyes. He would not sleep. Not after a dream like that one. And especially not before a dream

    like his next. His mind kept him prisoner at night and right after a bondage dream, came the dreams of what had first imprisoned him. He was not

    ready to face that.

    Tbc
  6. Gkilkenny Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 27, 2004
    star 4
    I don't think Mace is in any condition to think straight.[face_worried]


    =D= Yahoo an update.

  7. littleobiwankenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 5, 2009
    star 1
    wonderful an update

    wonder what will happend to Mace, he is a little confused. But all will get well as always!?
  8. HelloKelly Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 12, 2009
    star 3
    Interesting. I was waiting for you to tell more about him.

    Please keep on this Windu thing. It's cool.

    KIU!
  9. Raphire Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 19, 2008
    star 4
    Sorry I haven't updated in awhile life hasn't been very nice to me. I'll try to update soon though.

    Thanks for reading!
  10. Gkilkenny Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 27, 2004
    star 4
    Here's a hug[:D] and keep on smiling.:D
    Life can be like that sometimes.[face_good_luck]
  11. QueenArdnassak Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 30, 2009
    star 4
    As he?d left the building to go home a foot snaked out and he found himself staring up

    from a puddle into the eyes of his classmates laughing faces. Tears had filled his vision, but that just made it worse.

    Their taunts still echoed in his ears. About his appearance, his tears, and worst of all, his mom. Some of the things said

    made his ears burn and his heart tremble. Things kids like them had no business knowing about. He fled and didn?t stop

    running until he had arrived here.


    Kids can be so cruel. :_|


    ?Where?s the boy!? The massive man charged into the room his jowls quivering in anger.

    A small frail woman cowered at his feet. Under normal circumstances she would be called petite but now she looked so thin

    her ribs were visible under her long sleeved sweater, the only article of clothing her husband had ever bought her. She

    could smell the booze on his breath but that was nothing new. He came home from the sewers and drank until he passed out.


    All that mattered was that she was his to do with as he pleased. And

    right now, as he leered down at her, the thing that pleased him was the way she cried out when he hit her. Fist after fist

    descended and still she wouldn?t make a sound. She collapsed onto the floor blood flowing from her mouth and he paused. He

    didn?t feel like bending over to hit her anymore. His boot smashed into her side and he chuckled as he heard the breath

    expel from her lungs. He cracked his knuckles and brought his foot back for another kick.


    Kiren cowered in the corner as his father came towards him. ?Where is she?? Kiren?s father roared as he came towards him,

    his hand fingering his zipper. Kiren shied away into a corner and tried to make himself as small as possible. He hoped his

    father would be too drunk to remember that his son used to be in front of him. No such luck. Within seconds his father was

    before him and swearing by everything he?d ever given a seconds thought about. ?Where?s my Kriff?n woman???!? He growled

    his face mere inches from Kiren?s nose. The overpowering smell of cheap ale washed over him and for a second his seven year

    old brain wondered if he could get drunk off of the fumes from his father?s mouth.


    I have a request. Can I write an I'd Rather Be Dead crossover with this story in which Ardy finds this guy and kills him in a non-TOS compliant way? :mad: (PS: You've done a very good job of making him hateable! ;))

    I'm also curious as to what Mace's secret past is...

    And what's wrong with Obi-Wan...

    UPDATE SOON.

    AND ADD ME TO THE PM LIST!!! PLEEEEEEEAAAAAAASSSSSSE! [face_batting]

  12. Raphire Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 19, 2008
    star 4
    Gkilkenny: *Bows* I know I know I'm just so awesome! And humble too! Yeah neither do I.

    littleobiwankenobi: Thank you! I'll try to update more frequantly now. It might...[face_devil]

    HelloKelly: Sorry I'm changing focus. Again! ButI promise we'll get back to him.

    Gkilkenny: Awww. Thanks and I'll try!

    QueenArdnassak: Ardy! Lol. If you want to you can. Actually I would very much enjoy hearing how you would kill him please do write one! Of course I'll add you to the Pm list!

    Update is now coming!!!!!!!
  13. Raphire Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 19, 2008
    star 4
    This happens at the same time as Mace?s dream and Kiren?s battle in the alleyway. Also Mace was found three days ago in the cell.


    Obi-wan stared down at his body in shock. All of his senses had simply vanished. He could

    no longer feel the sheets against his skin nor the smell of antiseptic. Even his hearing

    and vision had changed. Noises sounded muffled and reverberating, almost as if he were

    underwater. And as Obi-wan looked around the room he found himself growing very intrigued.

    All around him Obi-wan could see things down to the minute detail. He could see each

    individual dust speck clinging to the nurse beneath him?s hair. He could see the intricate

    patterns the fibers on his bedspread formed and strangely enough all shadows seemed to have

    disappeared. The whole room was lit equally and because of this nothing was hidden. Obi-wan

    saw and processed all.

    Obi-wan was so enraptured by his surroundings he barely noticed his nurse leave, however he

    didn?t miss a faint click as it echoed about the room. His master slowly slipped in and

    made for Obi-wan?s body. Obi-wan watched in silence as Qui-gon reached out and gently

    touched his body?s face.

    ?I?m not exactly sure how to start this, hell I don?t even know if you can hear me, but I?m

    going to try anyway. Qui-gon paused and took a deep breath. ?I just wanted to apologize to

    you for being a terrible master. I?ve been distant and uncaring and I want to tell you how

    sorry I am for that.? Qui-gon paused again and cleared his throat. ?Kriff!? Qui-gon

    swore. ?It shouldn?t be this hard! Just say what you have to say and get out.? Obi-wan

    slowly sank to the ground behind his master.

    ?What I?m trying to say is? Shavit! I failed you Obi-wan! I tried to keep you at a distance

    because I had been hurt so bad from Xanatos!? Tears slowly rolled down Qui-gon?s face. ?I

    had opened my heart so much to him and he spurned me. How the force was I supposed to react

    to that??

    ?I had no clue what I was doing and I tried to protect myself from you but now? No matter

    what I seemed to do you always ended up hurt. I never meant for this to happen and now you

    may leave before I can make it right.? Qui-gon grabbed onto the bed and shook it. ?Forgive

    me my apprentice! I can?t do it.?

    Swift footsteps rapidly approached from the hall and Qui-gon slowly stood to his feet.? I

    can?t bear the thought of opening up to another. I?m leaving; I hope you make it through

    this. I hope the Force smiles upon you and grants you a better master.?


    With that he turned towards the door and jerked it off its hinges. It landed in front of

    the fast approaching troop of doctors and they collapsed in a tangled heap. Then Qui-gon

    took his first step out into the world and away from the order he once called home.

    Tbc.
  14. QueenArdnassak Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 30, 2009
    star 4
    ?I?m not exactly sure how to start this, hell I don?t even know if you can hear me, but I?m

    going to try anyway. Qui-gon paused and took a deep breath. ?I just wanted to apologize to

    you for being a terrible master. I?ve been distant and uncaring and I want to tell you how

    sorry I am for that.? Qui-gon paused again and cleared his throat. ?Kriff!? Qui-gon

    swore. ?It shouldn?t be this hard! Just say what you have to say and get out.?


    :_| Qui-Gon was so emotional in this chapter. Personally, I think he said so much more not knowing what to say, but trying, than he would have if he had it all planned out. I loved it. *sniffle*

    Update again soon and I will! [face_batting]
  15. Gkilkenny Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 27, 2004
    star 4
    At least Obi-Wan heard his apology.
    Nice.=D=
  16. HelloKelly Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 12, 2009
    star 3
    Awwww. That was so sweet! Qui-gon's such a softie! Except the ending!!!! Thbbbt Meanie.

    KIU!
  17. Raphire Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 19, 2008
    star 4
    QueenArdnassak Yeah people are interesting that way. Glad you like it though and here is my update.

    Gkilkenny Thanks!

    HelloKelly Bwa-ha-ha. Glad you enjoyed it!
  18. Raphire Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 19, 2008
    star 4
    Obi-wan watched with dead eyes as his master walked out of his life. It felt as if his whole mind had been severed from reality. His thoughts

    bumped chaotically inside him and he slowly sank to the floor. His wispy hands slowly flattened against the stone and he lay on his back; his

    dry eyes staring numbly at the ceiling.

    He slowly let out a breath and felt himself letting go. Reality slowly started to slip from his grasp and he found he could care less.

    The fog like substance that he currently consisted of starts to deteriorate and little wisps gradually blew into the air. Obi-wan watched as

    parts of him spread throughout the room like a cloud.


    Qui-gon found himself striding quickly down the hall tears stinging his eyes. He should have done this years ago. It would have saved him so

    much pain. He could have just left the order after Xanatos had betrayed him and no one would have thought him wrong.

    Qui-gon chuckled to himself. Of course they would. It?s a Jedi?s job to cast judgment on based on what you?ve done and what they think is your

    reasoning behind it.

    A loud beeping broke though his reverie. A slow steady beep? Like a heart rate monitor! He spun around just as the shouts started.

    A mass of Healers swarmed in Obi-wan?s room, fussing over everything, and for a second Qui-gon thought he saw a fog at their feet. But when he

    blinked it was gone and a doctor was yelling ?I?ve got no pulse!? Qui-gon?s feet flew across the hall.


    Obi-wan stared blankly up at the doctors as they surrounded his body. They poked and prodded the corpse that had once been him completely

    ignoring the man dissipating at their feet. Typical. It was kind of relaxing, watching them try and save his life. Like laying in a warm pool

    or listening to the thousand fountains.

    Obi-wan was almost completely relaxed when something startled him awake. Qui-gon?s voice. Obi-wan?s head quickly re-formed and he jerked it

    upwards. His master was running towards the room! A small rippled passed though his mist as the Healers collectively sighed. The heart monitor

    had gone back to its steady beat.

    At that noise Qui-gon slowly stopped and turned back around. Obi-wan felt his heart grow cold. His master wasn?t returning after all! He slowly

    started to sink again. Then something caught his eye. Something else wispy and grey. A hand! Slowly stretching from his master?s shoulder to

    who knows where.

    It had been barely clinging on but now it suddenly let go. The hand fell slowly to the floor and then started to retract the way it came.

    Clouds billowed as Obi-wan?s body quickly re-formed. The hand was moving at a crawl and yet Obi-wan ran towards it with a spring to his step.

    He may not have his master but he could still keep him safe.

    Tbc.

  19. QueenArdnassak Jedi Master

    Member Since:
    Mar 30, 2009
    star 4
  20. Gkilkenny Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 27, 2004
    star 4
    Wow Obi-Wan?s body is dissipating and then re-forming and who?s hand is it if it?s not Jinn?s and why is he running with a spring in his step. Is he going to live or die.

    Either way Qui-Gon doesn?t deserve Obi-Wan, but it seems Obi-Wan can?t live without him.

    Thanks for the update.=D=
  21. littleobiwankenobi Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 5, 2009
    star 1
    [face_thinking] an update, at the moment I don´t know what to think about it. Maybe I have to reread the hole story.

    Please don´t let us wait to long for the next update.

  22. Raphire Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 19, 2008
    star 4
    QueenArdnassak[face_laugh]

    I hope you enjoy the next post!

    Gkilkenny He's running with a spring in his step because he now has a purpose even after his Master left him. He can keep his master safe and guard him in special ways. And Qui-gon can't send him away in this form!

    littleobiwankenobi Lol. Sorry for the wait I had an essay I had to write. Stupid College.

    Here's the next post!
  23. Raphire Jedi Grand Master

    Member Since:
    Dec 19, 2008
    star 4
    Khi-Lech watched the boy intently as he crushed the man?s neck beneath him. The child shuddered but never looked away. His eyes

    bored into Khi?s and Khi-lech was startled to find an unexpected depth there. The boy?s potential was vast. Even at a young

    age, knowledge shone through his eyes. He had Wisdom and Misery. Both of these things would help him shape the boy into a

    formidable Sith. However what really caught Khi's attention was the rage simmering from the boy. It hid barely beneath the

    surface, festering inside of him. It wouldn?t take much to draw the anger out but it had to be done in a way that would leave

    the child desperate for love. Khi needed to find a way that would leave the boy craving a firm supportive mentor. Someone who

    could bring the pieces of his life back together and shape him into someone stronger. Khi?s face broke into a grin. This kid

    was a good candidate indeed.


    Kiren?s body trembled as the noise penetrated into his soul. He would never forget this day. The screams as he made his first

    kill and the vision of the stranger murdering in front of him would haunt his sleep. The woman?s eyes as they drained of life

    would always be his after image and the sounds of shattering bones would be his echo. He had become like his dad.

    He turned and fled down the alley, tears running down his face. He swore he would never be like his father! That he would

    protect women and never inflict pain upon anyone! His chivalry was going to be told by millions and his mother would be proud.

    She?d be so ashamed of what he had become. He ran towards home. Despite his shame he knew his only solace lay there, mixed with

    the disbelief in his mother?s eyes.


    Khi-lech followed a short distance behind the boy. He could hear his crying and it made him feel unsettled. The boy?s heart

    wrenching sobs seemed to grim and serious for such a little boy. To make matters worse however was the fact that Khi himself

    had put them there. No child should be exposed to murder and a child should especially no have to commit one.

    He?d seen the corpse at the boys feet and knew immediately it had been no accident. The girl?s horror struck face and her

    already stiff body suggested swift rigor mortis. Something generally caused by an external force. In this case the kid. Khi was

    unsure what he?d done exactly but he knew it was through the force.

    Khi had felt it ripple and that had in turn led him to the alley. However the girl had already been dead when he arrived so he

    had no inclination how she came to be so. Soon though he would be finding out. He planned to get many answers from this trip

    chief among them where was the Jedi who did this to him.

    Although that wouldn?t come yet. After the he followed the boy, then he would pay a visit to a dear friend of his. And

    hopefully then he would find out exactly where his favorite bottom dwelling Jedi was residing. Then he would get what he?d been

    after for years now. Revenge.

    Tbc
  24. Gkilkenny Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 27, 2004
    star 4
    So he's planning to make him a sith, I hope he doesn't succeed.:eek:

    =D=
  25. HelloKelly Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Nov 12, 2009
    star 3
    Oh! He is so going to train him! Maybe Kiren will finally beat up his dad for a change!

    Keep It Up!
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