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Tiime Shiifters - Siith Fic (AU Humour thru all era's) *updated 4/11*

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by C-3PX, Mar 14, 2003.

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  1. C-3PX

    C-3PX Jedi Master star 6

    Jul 2, 2002
    Time for another Siith fic, JC.

    This one is set during what the galaxy knew as the age of the wrong they were.

    Written by me and Daarthe_Lemelemie (maybe others if we get lazy.)

    Turmoil had engulfed the galaxy. The humourless group that called themselves the ?Sith? had broken away from their parent group, the fun loving Siith. The easy going Siith went on without the others but the Siths? lack of personality caused rabid infighting. To quell the civil war a Sith Master named Darth Attorney created an item of such power its bearers could rule the universe - the One Bin.
    The Siith sent a small task force to steal the One Bin and bring humour to the galaxy?

    The blackness of space was shattered as a lime green on black star cruiser lumbered towards the grey orb of a space station. At the helm of his ship sat a figure clad in a green robe with black trim, his weathered features barely visible beneath his cowl. The cruiser glided effortlessly into a hold on the mighty space station. A ramp lowered and the green robed figure walked out.

    A small man dressed in a darker green marched up, ?Darth Attorney, what an unexpected pleasure. We are honoured by your presence?.ack!?

    Darth Attorney?s bony right hand came up and wrapped around the mans throat, ?I?m quite displeased with your apparent lack of progress on the One Bin. I?m here to make sure it?s done on time.?

    ?B?ut sir, the One Bin is completed already.?

    ?No! You may not have more men. Finished it with what you have or suffer my wrath.?

    ?Siir? One is alrea..dy,? a gurgling croak came from the man before her fell to the floor, very much in the physical state known as ?dead?.

    ?Can anyone tell me how project ?One Bin? is coming?? DA?s sunken eyes leered at all gathered.

    This request was met with nervous mutterings of, ?Not me,? and, ?Nope,? and ?Sorry, can?t help you grampa.?

    ?Enough!? DA stomped his feet and failed his arms, ?if someone doesn?t tell me NOW I?m going to scream.?

  2. New_York_Jedi

    New_York_Jedi Jedi Grand Master star 6

    Mar 16, 2002
  3. flying_fishi

    flying_fishi Jedi Knight star 6

    Mar 26, 2002
    Why isn't it spelt Shiifters in the title? ;)

    Tiitles are spiffily important.
  4. C-3PX

    C-3PX Jedi Master star 6

    Jul 2, 2002
    There oh evil Madam, Fishi. :p
  5. Daarthe_Lemelemie

    Daarthe_Lemelemie Jedi Padawan star 4

    Aug 2, 2002
    :D great. now this means i'm in the middle of three Siith fiics... go me! :cool:

    well well, lookie here! a post! an update! a giant penguin!


    ?I can tell you,? a voice interrupted them.

    DA turned to see a cloaked figure standing nearby, surrounded by other cloaked figures. The one who had spoken was wearing a dark blue cloak, and was obviously female judging by the sound of her voice.

    DA frowned suspiciously. ?Oh??

    She stepped forward. ?Your One Bin is complete.?

    ?How do you know?? he asked even more suspiciously.

    ?Do not question my genius,? she replied darkly, ?Because it is unquestionable.?

    ?Why are you here?? DA asked curiously.

    She threw back her hood, revealing dark blonde hair and a wicked grin. ?I am Daarthe Lemelemie, Siith Maaster and Goddess of Various Things. I have a request.?

    ?What is this request that you speak of??

    ?Can I have the One Bin?? Lemel asked sweetly.

    ?No.? DA replied.

    ?Why not?? Lemel enquired.

    ?Just no.?


    ?No.? DA was obviously starting to get a little irritated.

    ?Please?? Lemel repeated even more sweetly



    ?What part of ?NO? do you not understand?? DA demanded.

    Lemel considered this. ?Well, mostly the ?N?, but the ?O? is still a little confusing.?

    There was a pause.

    A long pause, during which DA picked up the One Bin from the hands of the dead assistant person he had killed roughly five minutes ago.

    Suddenly one of the other cloaked figures spoke. ?Plan B then, Maaster Lemel??

    Lemel nodded. ?Plan B, Deestructo.?

    The other cloaked figure - a gold cloak with black trim - leapt into action, knocking DA to the floor and taking the One Bin. Avoiding DA?s bony hands of Death, Deestructo rolled stylishly, landing on his feet, then turned and tossed the One Bin to Lemel.

    Lemel smiled and examined the One Bin. It was fairly small, which made it hard to believe that this object actually held awesome power. Gold plated and decorated with various gems, it was quite alluringly shiny.
    Looking closer, Lemel noticed that something was engraved in fancy writing on the side:

    'Please Recycle'

    yayness! go me-ness! :cool:-ness!
  6. C-3PX

    C-3PX Jedi Master star 6

    Jul 2, 2002
    Woo! Update! Take that DA. :p
  7. Daarthe_Lemelemie

    Daarthe_Lemelemie Jedi Padawan star 4

    Aug 2, 2002
    ::has live explosive device::

    take this as well! :p
  8. Corran_OHorn

    Corran_OHorn Jedi Youngling

    Mar 16, 2003
    I always knew DA would be the bad guy [face_laugh]

    So, are all the siith gonna be in this? pretty please [face_puppy_dog_eyes]
  9. Elfsheen

    Elfsheen Jedi Knight star 5

    Feb 9, 2003


    Okayyyy :D

    This is funny. Hillarious to describe it better. Go DA [face_devil]
  10. C-3PX

    C-3PX Jedi Master star 6

    Jul 2, 2002
    Ok, update time again. :p

    They stood in silent awe for a minute not knowing what to do next.

    They continued staring in awe at each other until finally a brash Siith Soldata stepped forward.

    "I say we use the One Bin to [b]kill[/b] the geezer, then zap the rest've them dirty Sith traitors," he snatched the bin from Lemel and pointed it at DA. "Zzzzzzzap! Zap! Zap! Zaaap!"

    He held it out before him like a gun and thrust it forward in time with his zaps. DA just sat there with a sneer on his twisted face.

    "Psssst? InFerNoo? I don't think it works like that," Deestructo placed a hand on his fellow Siith's shoulder.

    "Enough of this! Give me my bin back or I?ll?. I?ll do something bad," Darth Attorney's pasty white face reddened a bit.

    Another of the robe-clad Siith stepped forward. She threw back her hood revealing her mischievous face, then walked towards the old Sith, waving her hips in a most inviting way. Once she got close to him she pursed her lips then kicked him in his neck. DA fell back gasping for air, while she smirked and said silkily, "I say we leave now before we have to listen to this old gas bag anymore."

    "Awwwww Monogpfm, you're so beautiful when you beat on the elderly. I love you more each day." InFeerNoo's lips curled back in a smile.

    Monogpfm smiled back? then kicked him in his left knee. He fell to the floor whimpering in a most annoying fashion.

    Lemel took the One Bin back and finished her inspection of it; "There's a small dial on it," she observed softly, "I wonder what happens it I turn it."

    "Stop, you fools! Don't touch that!" DA was still wheezing.

    Lemel looked down at him and smiled. Before the old man could object again, a flash of light engulfed the docking bay. When it faded, DA was alone. The Siith were gone? from his time at least.


    Will DA get the bin back? Tune in next time. Same bat time, same bat channel.>
  11. Daarthe_Lemelemie

    Daarthe_Lemelemie Jedi Padawan star 4

    Aug 2, 2002
    yay! update! though im not too surprised, seeing as i got a preview ;)

    my turn then :D
  12. C-3PX

    C-3PX Jedi Master star 6

    Jul 2, 2002
    Yes, update already! :p

    Now what will DA think of this update?
  13. Daarthe_Lemelemie

    Daarthe_Lemelemie Jedi Padawan star 4

    Aug 2, 2002

    i can see it now... ;)

    as for the update... all in good time ;)

  14. Daarthe_InFeerNoo

    Daarthe_InFeerNoo Jedi Youngling

    Dec 10, 2002
    A kick in the shins? Whatever :p ;)
  15. Daarthe_Lemelemie

    Daarthe_Lemelemie Jedi Padawan star 4

    Aug 2, 2002
    and look! i've posted!



    ?Where are we??

    ?Who knows?? Then, Lemel looked around and actually considered the question. ?Actually, Fishi, I think the appropriate question is, ?When are we???

    Deestructo nodded. ?That would be the appropriate question.?

    Monogpfm glanced around. ?What exactly did you press on the One Bin, Lemel??

    Lemel studied the Bin in question. ?I turned the dial thingy to ?Sometime In The Future.?

    Deestructo walked over to a control panel at the side of the room. ?Look at this,? he said, ?Shiny button thingies.?

    Lemel looked up, suddenly interested. ?Shiny button thingies?!?

    Deestructo glanced over the control panel, and found a button labelled, Red Laser Walls - Do Not Push.

    ?It says Do Not Push.? he said thoughtfully.

    ?Which means you have to push them,? Monogpfm replied, while studying more shiny button thingies.

    ?Alright,? Deestructo agreed. Finding a button marked Red Laser Wall 1, he smiled and pushed it.


    Several hours later, several hours had passed.

    An hour after that, a parade went through the streets of Theed, complete with confetti, large ugly creatures and Gungans. Lemel and her Siithly crew stood in an alley, watching the festivities.

    ?Oh, what I wouldn?t give for some explosives right now!? Monogpfm sighed.

    ?I know!? Lemel agreed.

    Suddenly, a group of people went past, talking excitedly about something.

    ?Did you hear, the laser walls in the place where the Jedi were fighting malfunctioned, and caused the older one to die a horrible death at the hands of the Sith?? the first guy said excitedly, ?Apparently the buttons were pushed at a most inopportune moment.?

    Deestructo glanced at his fellow Siith. ?Do you suppose they?re talking about the buttons we pushed, in the control room for the room of the melting pit??

    Indeed, which buttons are they talking about? It should be obvious. Your turn, C-3 :p
  16. C-3PX

    C-3PX Jedi Master star 6

    Jul 2, 2002
    Woo! Pushing buttons!
  17. Elfsheen

    Elfsheen Jedi Knight star 5

    Feb 9, 2003
    Interesting, Interesting, Interesting,

    Did I say it was interesting?


    Well done, me likes!
  18. Daarthe_Lemelemie

    Daarthe_Lemelemie Jedi Padawan star 4

    Aug 2, 2002
    upness times a million :p

    come on, come on, c-3. you're slacking off ;)
  19. DarthAttorney

    DarthAttorney Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Nov 8, 2000
    I better get that Bin back or there's going to hell to pay back in the Bantha, droid......


    //wrings hands together.....
  20. C-3PX

    C-3PX Jedi Master star 6

    Jul 2, 2002
    Update? Where? :p

    ?Well we caused the death of a jedi and a sith, anytime that happens it?s a good thing.? InFeerNoo smiled and winked at Monogpfm.

    ?Listen to yourself man! You sound like freakin? Martha Steward!? Monogpfm/Fishi smacked him and turned to the others, ?I saw we get outta here before that wrinkly freak comes after us.?

    ?I agree but let me hit the buttons this time!? InFeerNoo rubbed his head and grabbed the Bin. He hit a few random buttons; then the Siith were gone again.


    DA stormed down the corridors of his space station, killing anyone who was stupid enough to get in his way. He stopped before a door that read: [i]Doctor Valyn - Ladies leave your clothes at the door[/i]. The weathered old man threw open the door and leered down at the doctor who was sleeping with his feet on his desk.

    ?Valyn! Get up now! The Siith stole the One Bin!?

    ?Huh? Wha? Where am I??

    DA grabbed him by his collar, ?Wake up and get me that Bin back, NOW!?

    ?No need to yell... Phew, and brush your teeth more often, you smell like a wampa.?

    ?Quiet fool! I need something to follow the One Bin and get it back!?

    ?Just take the Hot Pants of Doom. They are in the Lair of the Taco Clams. Find them and you can alter space and time plus they make your butt look good.? The Doctor rubbed the sleep from his eyes and looked DA over. ?Just make sure I don?t see you in them.?

    DA?s eyes hardened then he smiled, ?thank you. Now you can think about that attitude while you rot in prison.? He flicked his wrist and the floor under Valyn?s chair fell away.


    ?I?m coming for my Bin Siith. No one steals from the one, the only, the perky Darth Attorney.?>
  21. Elfsheen

    Elfsheen Jedi Knight star 5

    Feb 9, 2003
    [face_shocked] he made his presence know, you're in trouble now ;)

    Well done! Good post me thinks.
  22. C-3PX

    C-3PX Jedi Master star 6

    Jul 2, 2002
    Just wait til DA see it. :p
  23. Daarthe_Lemelemie

    Daarthe_Lemelemie Jedi Padawan star 4

    Aug 2, 2002
    Dude, it?s incredible what copious amounts of caffeine and sugar mixed with a particularly twisted episode of SVU does to your thought processes? I really should cut down? but then you wouldn?t have such a long and legendary post from myself :D


    ?Gods, Goddesses, Daemons and whatever else, what the hell did you press, InFeerNoo?? Lemel demanded irritably. ?Where and when are we??

    InFeerNoo shrugged. ?I changed the dial to DS - Future, Maaster.?

    Lemel frowned. ?DS - Future? What does that mean??

    Suddenly, they heard a wheezing sort of breathing sound. It echoed strangely off the metal walls in the dark room they were in, and was accompanied by heavy booted footsteps.

    ?What?s that?? Deestructo said uneasily.

    Monogpfm looked at him scornfully. ?Obviously it?s someone breathing, Deestructo.?

    He glared at shorter Siith. ?What I meant was, who exactly is breathing??

    ?Well why didn?t you just say that?? she demanded. ?It would have saved a lot of time and breath.?

    ?Shhh?? Lemel waved her hand at them to be quiet. ?They?re saying something.?

    Sure enough, when they listened closely, they could hear a deep voice muttering to itself.

    ?Damn Emperor? It?s so unfair? Just because I?m his minion, it doesn?t mean he can eat all of the toffees and leave just the strawberry creams! And now he wants me to capture this stupid little Jedi? I have to do everything around here and he gets all of the credit!?

    Lemel snickered to herself. ?I reckon this guy has a bit of a problem,? she murmured to Fishi, who smirked and shook her head.

    ?A bit of a problem? More like he?s got one big problem.?

    They heard more voices. Some smooching. Then, a smuggler-or-pirate-kind-of-person was lowered into a pit, with lots of steam and smoke and hissing.

    InFeerNoo studied this scene. ?Who do you reckon that guy is?? he asked softly.

    Deestructo glanced at him. ?Which guy?? he replied sarcastically. ?There appear to be several ?guys? over there.?

    InFeerNoo?s answering expression showed exasperation. ?You know exactly which one I mean,? he said mildly. ?The one being lowered into the pit with all the steam and smoke and hissing.?

    Another voice interrupted their conversation, a female voice. ?I love you!? she called. ?I love you like a hippy loves a tree!?

    ?I know,? the smuggler-or-pirate-kind-of-person replied smugly. ?I know you love my tree.?

    Lemel gagged. ?Force, did he have to say that??

    Fishi laughed softly. ?He could have been talking about an actual tree, Lemel. You just have a sick mind.?

    Abruptly, they heard the sound of an unexpected appearance, then the unmistakeable voice of none other than Darth Attorney.

    ?Alright, Siith. I know you?re here. Show yourselves, and bring my Bin with you.?

    ?What is this?? the deep voice demanded. ?Who the hell are you??

    ?I am Darth Attorney,? was the haughty reply, ?And I am looking for the One Bin.?

    Lemel laughed wickedly and stepped out of the shadows. ?DA. How nice of you to show up.?

    DA grinned. ?How nice of you to bring my Bin.?

    ?Actually, I don?t have your Bin,? Lemel shrugged innocently.

    ?WHAT?!? DA shrieked. ?ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?


    ?Where is it, then?? he demanded.

    ?Somewhere other than with me.? Lemel said sweetly.

    ?Tell me right now you dirty Siith!? DA took hold of the edges of his cloak in a threatening fashion. ?Right now or I?ll do the unthinkable!?

    Lemel raised an eyebrow. ?The unthinkable? What does that mean, then??

    DA grinned evilly? and opened his cloak.


    :eek: :eek: :eek: (did i really write that?! :p)
  24. Daarthe_Lemelemie

    Daarthe_Lemelemie Jedi Padawan star 4

    Aug 2, 2002
    no replies? :eek:

    thats not very nice! :_|


  25. CptCorranHorn

    CptCorranHorn Jedi Master star 5

    Oct 16, 2002
    I'll reply as soon as I see Daarth_Hoorn in the story 8-}
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