To Paint a Starfighter (Now at Chapter 7)

Heres the first chapter of my SW comedy, To Paint a Starfighter.
Hope you enjoy!

Thanks to:
Scott, for adding wind-shield-wipers to starcraft.
Jyolia, for working at McDonalds.
Alex, my brother, for reminding me that elevators can talk.
Ken, my Youth Sponsor, for showing me the world of The Guide!
Steve, my other Youth Sponsor, for finishing what Ken started.
Douglas Adams, author of The Guide, for getting me stuck in this writing style?
George Lucas, creator of Star Wars, for starting this ?epic?.

CHAPTER 1

Suddenly the dots turned to streaks, then all was a blur.

He had finally done it. Sure he was in a cramped one man starship. And he had never been on a space "joy-ride", but he had done it. Suddenly, he realized that his stomach was twisting an turning as the galaxy outside his canopy.

Ignore it, he told himself. But was it the outside that made him sick? Or the inside? After all, this was the moment he had been looking toward his whole life. Think, he said to himself, about your life Kerdack, suddenly his life rushed in his mind, all at once. Slow down Kerdack, one step at a time. He thought about Geonosis. He thought about how he got there, and his brain froze, Not that far back! Then he realized, he couldn?t remember that far, nor could he remember his parents, only his life as an orphan. An orphan, he thought, who smuggled himself into every arena match he could. The arena... nothing could satisfy me like that, his life had been terrible, stealing whatever he could eat, hiding in the dark alleys, as the acid rain of Geonosis poured around him. And then, IT happened, just two people right? Wrong. As soon as they were sentenced strange robed figures appeared all over the planet. Reports never made it though, it was to late. The match was that day, and all the crowds favorite creatures were featured. It was the best match of his life, but dang, he thought, the finale...

An army amassed, it was all over as far as I knew... But it wasn?t, was it? The "war" as it was called, lasted less than a day, and after that... well... life as he knew was far from normal...



After that he awoke, asleep??? I was asleep? I thought I was--bweep--THWUMP--UGH-- It happened. Ahhh!!! *Hey- get out of the space lane!!!* He never noticed the intercom so, loud... NOR THE CANOPY SO CLEAR!!! A frigate!? Why!? Luckily the Delta-7 was made for this kind of stuff.

He had arrived, apparently... and right in the way of a Star Cruiser. Blast! He swerved, but the cruiser, made no attempt to avoid the accident. --Screeeech--His finish, was ruined. The bottom of the fighter would need more repair. And just for fun, he thought, just for fun... the pilot of the other starship, jogged his joystick to the left --THWUMP--UGH--familiar-- His chest was really starting to hurt now. And his starfighter, was going to need a new paint-job.


After that he awoke, asleep??? I was asleep? I thought I was--bweep--he braced himself --bweep--this, he thought, is a new sound. He slowly, oh so slowly, peeled his eyes open, he sighed. The canopy really wasnt as clear as he thought, going to have to have a word with sombody about that--bweep--there it was again, that annoying, he happened to peer down at that second, "Are you okay, I said" appeared on the monitor of his dash pad. "Of course!" he thought out loud, my r2 unit!

"My, we?re rather cheerful today aren?t we?"

Almost afraid to ask, he rather look outside himself, safe and sound, sweet earth, I love the ground... Apparently the r2 unit kicked in when he was "knocked out" and piloted it to the nearest docking bay.
"Well, now that I can see that all?s well, you have business to attend to."

What? What did he mean by that--
"For the last time!!!" So, he thought, my intercom really was that loud... "I-need-your-IDEE!!!" Going to hav

 

This is great! I will be following this!

Think, he said, about your life Kerdack, suddenly his life rushed in his mind, all at once. Slow down Kerdack, one step at a time. He thought about Geonosis. He thought about how he got there, and his brain froze, Not that far back!

When I read this, I immediately though of What About Bob?. Baby Steps!!! (Dont ask me why... I just did!)

After that he awoke, asleep??? I was asleep?

He fell asleep! And twice!!!

~Dot

 

Upity up!
I want so more posts before I post the second chapter... comon!

 

Up!
Comon ppl! You know you want to read it!

 

Hey... dont make me start dragging ppl in here!

::brandishes plunger menacingly::

~Dot

 

I warned you all...

::trudges out into the mist, plunger at hand...::

I'll leave some of my dwarves to guard the thread...

::an army of dwarves emerges from the mist, taking up positions throughout the thread::

 

CHAPTER 2

Okay, I?m not going to do this the hard way, Kerdack thought as he peered to the ground. Going to take this nice, and, slow... Gain my composure, he waited another second, and then, nice, and slowly step out, of the cockpit.

That should be good, he had waited long enough, and then,--THWUMP?ugh? he jumped out. Oi, shouldn?t of done that?

"You should not have done that," his r2 replied, "it appears you have forgotten to take into effect the new gravitational pull of Ord Mantell."

Okay, I?m going to do this nice and slow, just push up? For he had fallen face first on the ground.

"So, your adventure begins, or so it appears." Going to have to fix that, going to have to it...


Ord Mantell, finally. Finally, but man, what a dump... Wasn?t like this on half the pages on the holonet, but the other half... To Kerdack, it actually wasn?t that bad, but to him, anything worse, or the same as Geonosis, was a dump. Well, he wasn?t here for pleasure, Gotta keep my priorities straight...

First things first, need to find a place to stay, even if it is just for this night.

--Zwoomp?No "bweep", he thought, strange... "Agh!!!" ah, no "ugh" either, this is kinda nice... --Zwoomp?Agh?thump?Well, this is new, he looked around, again, it happened. ?Zwoomp?Agh?thump?Hmmm... then he look around the bustling streets, then finally up, a blast of laser light streaked from a once darkened window. That, he thought, was the "Zwoomp". He traced the bolt to where it hit?agh?Ah, that is the "agh." He continued watching as the man who was the "Agher" fell to the ground with a?thump?Well, that?s not right...


"What do you mean your full!?" Kerdack was getting really annoyed, and his jet-black hair was getting really messed up. He ran his fingers hastily through his thick-oily hair once more. This was around the tenth time he?d been through this.

"I mean just what I said, twit, we?re full, now go bother someone else." Well, this was one of the nicer folks Kerdack had talked to.

It seemed that this was one of the holidays of Ord Mantell, and that many families had come to celebrate it with other families.


Ord Mantell, we haven?t really described this yet, nor its history, so we will now. Ord Mantell, notorious for being infested by bounty hunters, and casinos. This was a chain not easily broken, for the reason the bounty hunters liked Ord Mantell, was the casinos, and the reason for so many casinos, was because of so many bounty hunting customers. So this will stay that way for a long, long time. But before that, it was a Republic outpost. Why the original Republic outpost was discarded is still unclear, but in its place are now the cantinas and casinos that Ord Mantell is known for now. Ord Mantell is not the place you would expect to find bustling crowds for some "holiday season"; and it wasn?t.


"Dang it!" Kerdack was about to burst now, "Why the heck is it so busy!? Ord Mantell is a thriving metropolis of bounty hunters! Not vacationing tourists! Since when is there a bunch of blasted holidays!?"

"Well, uh sir," Ah, thats right, I?m talking to a blasted droid! "You see, it?s not a holiday, rather an occasion."

"Well, whats the blasted difference!?"

"Sir, please try to calm down." The service droid tried to explain. "A holiday is a?"

"I know what a ding-dong holiday is! Just tell me what the occasion is?Please!"

"As I have been trying to say, Boba Fett is here."

"Boba Fett?" Kerdack had never heard of him, probably some celebraty. "Who the nerf is he?"

"Why he his the famous bounty hunter who, dismantled, a whole factory of Stormtroopers." Again, by its choice of words, Kerdack was reminded who he was talking too.


Stormtroopers, again we shall explain to help the reader along. The Republic is not as sturdy a government as it onc

 

It's cool so far! Keep going.

 

HAHAHA!!! DWARVEN FURY!!!

~Dot

 

Heres a nice short chapter for you.
Just mainly a description, I might feature it alone on my website... hmm...
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CHAPTER 3

Mandalorians were once a dominant race of humans. From the forgotten world of Mandalore, they became a race known for its supercommandoes. It all started when a man claimed Mandalore as his own. Though he crowned himself king in an unusual fashion? His crown, per say, was actually, a now infamous, helmet. This helmet had a "T" shaped visor, and was shaped, in all truthfulness, a lower-case "n." After time, and deaths, this helmet was passed from king to king, and became a symbol of power. The one king decided "Hey, let?s make an army with helmets like mine, that way they would be already terrifying!" So he did. And they were, terrifying that is. Years past, and this army became the whole planet of people, the whole race was, more or less, an army of supercommandoes. There were no more kings, rather commanders, and the commanders passed on, and new ones took his or her role as commander. Now over time a man named Jaster Mereel became leader. Another man named Montross decided he didn?t like this, and took less than half of the Mandalorians to form another group, the Death Watch. The Death Watch eventually were able to kill Jaster Mereel, so Jango Fett was to take his place. Again, there was a rivalry about this, and it split again, this tore the Mandalorians to much, and they were no more.

The Mandalorians were, in a way, resurrected though. The Mandalorian, Jango Fett, was hired for a job, a special job. This job was to stay on a watery planet while they probed him with needles. Now, being "probed with needles" may not be any fun, but he was paid a huge amount, and was able to leave the planet whenever he wanted. Now, why would someone want to "probe someone else with needles"? Well, there are many reasons, this certain one was to create clones of Jango Fett. These clones were turned into a second race of "Mandalorians" though these were "Mandalorian Clones". Known as Clone Troopers, they were extremely powerful. But that is not important to this story, what is, is that Jango Fett asked for one more thing, other than huge sacks of money, and free reign to leave the planet?an unaltered clone?Boba Fett.
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BTW, is that the actual history of the Mandalorians? I wrote what I knew, and filled in the gaps, if any mistakes are there, I would really like to know what.

Thanks again!
<--Bobo

 

MORE DWARVEN FURY!!!

Padawan : Dont really know anything about the Mandalorians, so cant help you there. Sorry.

~Dot

 

Up!
Someone MUST know about the Mandalorians!

 

up!

 

Hello, just want you to know you got me hooked, too.

 

Okay, after noticing that I probably should stop being lazy and format more of the story to this... I did, so... here's the next chapter!
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CHAPTER 4

Around the corner, was something Kerdack didn?t expect to see, especially after his encounter with the crazed bum. Let me start again. Around the corner was one of the most peculiar sights Kerdack has, and probably will, seen. Unfortunately, though, he only got to see the climax of the sight.

"?Get away from me, blast it!" some guy in a hockey halloween costume yelled. "I?m not going to stand on your nerf-ridden parade float!" Well, maybe not so much as, hockey, more like...

"But please mister Bo?"

"No, I?m not going to do it! And get this crowd away from me or I?ll nuke it?Blast it all!" The guy was yelling at... a crowd? Kerdack was confused. I thought that the droid said...

It snapped, that was Boba Fett. And he was aguring with a crowd, because he... wasn?t going to parade through the town like the hero he was, or was not.

Kerdack decided he better take another look at his hockey friends get-up. Er... Kerdack, or so it turned out, had missed a lot of details. There it was, a Mandalorian suite of armor. Just a plain-old-simple jumpsuit... With chestplate, knee rocket launchers, jet-pack, utility-belt, shoulder-pads with an insignia on them, and lets not forget, the cup. And of course, the traditional "T" visored helmet.

"I don?t car how important this is to you! I came here to relax, not to start a rancor-eaten-holiday!" Seemed to Kerdack, that Fett is getting really... annoyed...

"But sir!" Not another droid... "This could be one of those holidays that many families will come to celebrate it with other family?" It was then shot, in mid-sentence.

"See that!?" Boba exclaimed, "And remember what I did to the Stormtroopers!? NOW LEAVE?ME?ALONE!!!" He then turned to the street Kerdack was on, and with a boost of his jet-pack, was gone.

"That was soooo cool!" Some kid in the crowd yelped.


After that charade, Kerdack decided he might try his luck at finding a place to stay again. And wouldn?t you know it? This time he got a room the first time.

"Well, sure we have room!" Then inn-keeper explained, "We?ve had at least one or two rooms left for the whole cycle. And when that Fett guy made that press statement, half of my customers left! And they paid for the whole time to! So I?m happy."

"Yes, well, thanks for the room."

"Yeah, no problem, here?s the datapad for the door, room number forty-two, upstairs, to the left."

"Oh, great... my lucky landing pad?My lucky landing pad!?!?" He had forgotten to check up on his ship. He never did get reservations.

"What was that sir?" the inn-keeper asked, but when he turned around, Kerdack was already gone.


His gray-red jumpsuit was soaked with sweat as he ran to the docking bay, why does this always seem to happen to me?

 

Well, I figured while Im at it, Id post Chapter 5 too, especially since I dont have to format anything, hehe...
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CHAPTER 5

The Delta-7, or Jedi Starfighter, is a single-man, wedge shaped starship. The Delta-7 is nicknamed the Jedi Starfighter because, well, the pilots are usually Jedi. This ship has been designed for speed and manuvereuablity, in contrast, the average Delta-7 has less shields and fire-power than most other ships. The reason for this is so that the Jedi pilots would rely on their skills, and Force-powers instead of shields. The lack of weaponry is because Jedi try at all ends not to kill, the only reason why it has weapons at all, is for those tight positions.

Kerdack L?Dar?s Delta-7 was bought over years of saving credits. It turned out that by the time he had the amount of money that he had set out to get, that was more than enough. For this reason he put in some special modifications... like, a hyperdrive (instead of needing to be tailored the whole way), a better r2 unit, and more powerful shields. He had the traditional red and white paint job, though because of his adventure with the star-frigate a new silver color was added. The hyperdrive was the latest, or was a month ago, and few ships could outrun him. His r2 had an auto-pilot capability, that he had already experienced, though hoped he didn?t have to again. His shields were not only more powerful/protective, but also were aqua-blue his least favorite color. He didn?t care about blue, it was the Aqua part, that got him, but that would need another book, so I shall move on. He also had wind-shield-wipers, this was one of those features you always have to get, because there was a salesman that wanted to do his job, and the fact that there was no wind in space, never seemed to cross his mind.
__________
BTW, Impavid, glad you like it

 

CHAPTER 6

Kerdack had just learned why elevator music was so canny. "Dah, dee dum, do dee dee," the background music played. It was because "Dah, dah, doooo..." the music, was done by the elevator, itself.

"Could you please stop?NOW!?" Kerdack yelled, to no one seen.

"But sir," a mechanical voice pointed out, through the speaker, "it is in my programming that I should entertain the user, which would be you. And everyone knows that elevator music is extremely famous for its melodies."

"Yes, well, I?m not much of a music fan, I?m sorry. Now stop!"

"Oh, really? Woops, what floor did you say you wanted?" Kerdack hated droids, even if they were in elevators.

"392, 392 got it?" Kerdack growled.

"Ah, that?s what I thought. We just missed it, don?t worry, we?ll get it on the next pass."

"Well, why don?t we just go down instead of in blasted circles!?"

"Well, uh, um, the tubes seem to be busy."

"I don?t care if it?s busy, I?am?in?a?hurry!" Kerdack gritted his teeth as he talked, "Go down; now!"

"Uh, yes sir..."

For a few seconds all seemed well, but after that was a?kerchunk? Kerdack didn?t much care for "kerchunks" and when he heard the second, decided that he liked them less.

"What was that?" Kerdack slowly asked.

"We seemed to have run into some other elevators going up." Said the ever cheerful elevator. "But on the bright side, here is your floor."


The silver metal doors opened. And Kerdack stepped out into a cloudy day. As he took in his surroundings, he noticed that the docking bay was less full than when he landed, in fact, there were only two other starships. Must have been what that Fett guy said that got all the tourists away, like my hotel.

As he walked closer to his starfighter he noticed something that wasn?t there when he left it. A man. And not just any man, a big fat man, who also needed to shave. The man was holding a tape measure.

Kerdack watched as the man holding the tape measure attempted to determine his ships size. At first he tried putting one hand on the nose of the familiar looking Delta-7, and putting the other on the back end, but this didn?t work. Next he decided to try something different, he put one hand on the back end, steadied himself, then attempted to put his second hand on the nose. But, during the time between the two attempts his physical features had not changed, meaning that he still could not reach the other end. He fell down.

"Can I help you?" Asked Kerdack.

"Yeah, sure, can you hold this?" Said the man, pointing to the end of the tape measure on the nose of his ship.

"Why yes, I sure can." Kerdack said, slowly, so not to confuse the man.

"Thank you." The man took the other end of the tape measure, and put it on the back end of the fighter. "Hah! Just as I thought! It is a Jedi Starfighter."

"Why, so it is, huh, go figure." Kerdack found this more than a bit funny, "But do you know what type of Jedi Starfighter it is?"

"Uh..." The man pondered this for a moment. "Uh, one in need of a new paint-job?"


"Well yes, but actually, it is My Jedi Starfighter."

"Not according to the government of Ord Mantell, it isn?t." He said, proudly holding up a piece of paper.

Kerdack studied it, it appeared to be... A confiscation notice? Blast, this is exactly what I came to stop.

"Why is this?" Kerdack asked.

"Well, for a few reasons. First is that there isn?t enough room in the docking bays for people who don?t have reservations."

"There are only two other ships." Kerdack decided to make this easy on the man, "See? One, two..."

"Oh... Well, the second reason is because of the invasion. We need as much power to take that fleet up there," he pointed, Kerdack saw nothing because of the clouds, "down before they come down here." Again he pointed, this time Kerdack saw what he was pointing to, nothing much, just the planet Kerdack happ

 

HAHAHAHAHA!!! hehe... love this... keep it going... ALL HAIL THE ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYED BY THE TALKING ELEVATOR!!!

The Orange Wizard speaks...
~Dot

 

and so I was talking to this Kangaroo, and he said that my padawan stole the Mona Lisa, and I was like "really?". And the kangaroo was like "yah". and so i like came over here and decided to jump rope. The End.

::jumps rope::

 

Something must happen... soon...

~Dot

 

CHAPTER 7

The invasion, it turned out, was no less than two Star-Destroyers. These, of which, Kerdack had only heard faint descriptions of, were some of the newest additions to things to add to the "When You See, Start Running Around In Circles and Scream" list. These were the heart of the self-acclaimed Empire, the "government". At 150 meters long (at the least), able to carry 72 separate Imperial Starfighters, and last, but not least, the ability to carry 9,700 of the dreaded white shock-troopers, known as Stormtroopers.

If you recall, the author earlier stated the the Stormtroopers had no side, and would just blast who ever the nerf they wanted? Well, they sided with someone none the less, the sided with, themselves. That?s right, themselves, they had an army large enough to, so they did. With the leadership of, the once kind-hearted, Supreme Chancellor Palpitine they slowly destroyed all remnants of the Republic.

During all this time is when Kerdack, so hastily, decided he wanted to become a bounty hunter. Also during this time, did the New Empire, so hastily, decided "Hey, why don?t we take over every mynock-sucking planet this side of, well, everywhere?" and then the higher official said, while sucking his mynock, "Are you dissing on my mynock-sucking skills?" The lower official was then fired, and shot, but the thought still remained. The higher official, while wearing his medal for first place in the mynock-sucking contest, called the newly acquired Emperor Palpatine. Palpatine said that he had already issued orders to start taking over the galaxy, and that for not following orders the mynock-sucking official was fired and shot.

Well, now that the reader has a feel for the way the New Government works, we shall get back to the story.

The 9,700 Stormtroopers were rarely filled to it?s peek. Instead, the average amount of Stormtroopers were ten transports full (because Star-Destroyers were to big to land). Meaning, that, because of the two Star-Destroyers, there were twenty transports full of Stormtroopers.

Also, because of the same cut-backs, and credit grubbing officials (who, by the way, had to save credits to enter the Mynock-Sucking Contests) the Imperial Starfighters were cut more than in half.

So, with all this in mind, the author would like to resume Kerdack L?Dar?s life story.

(<---Sorry for the lack of updates... Been busy--->)

 

yay... an update... now if ppl dont begin to read this, im going to sever someone's legs and arms...

~Dot