Tomorrow Can Wait (JA) : New post 23rd Feb!

I am so glad to see you posting on this again!

I can't help but think that the Jedi aren't very good with coping with 'normal' peoples problems. Jemmiah has been through a lot, yet they keep wanting her to react like they think she should and not how she wants/needs too.

I have a feeling Obi that when Rela said to just be there for her, that's what she meant. To be there for Jemmy while she works things out in her own way.

Fabulous post Jem!!

 

She waited until he had left before contemplating her next move. It hadn't been easy, freezing him out like that but it was necessary. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon were distracting her from all rational thought and now more than ever Jemmiah needed to have a calm head on her shoulders. Did she really feel calm? No, but she could always pretend?and maybe by playing the part well enough she could convince herself. Still, watching Obi-Wan's distinctly ruffled and unhappy appearance, slinking round shouldered towards the door as he'd left made her feel as if she'd kicked some small, helpless animal. He'd only been trying to help.

//Sorry, Ben. I'm sorry about this but I need today to myself. I probably didn't explain that very well to you, but it's just that sometimes you don't seem to pay attention to what I want. It's like you always know best and unfortunately that's not always the case. I'll make it up to you somehow, I promise.//

So, where did she start?

What should she do? The whole place was filled with memories of Evla. It was too early to get rid of them, not that any of it was hers to give away in any case. It had all come from Evla's family back on Florizan so it should all go back to them. How did she go about sorting it all out? What if anything should she keep? Of course Qui-Gon was the obvious person to ask these things but she couldn't comfortably speak to him again that day any more than she could speak to Obi-Wan.

A bath. She'd run herself a bath and hope to soak some of her troubles away. It usually worked and although it probably wouldn't in this instance it might help to warm the numbness that had enveloped her ever since An-Paj had told her that Evla was gone. Was it possible to feel so frozen and yet still be alive?

Diary first, bath later.

//Fingers feel kinda numb too.// Admitted Jemmiah to herself with not inconsiderable surprise. //After a day I had hoped that it might have gone away but it's still there. I feel like my whole body is drunk without having had the pleasure of getting intoxicated in the first place?and that's hardly fair. C'mon, Jemmy. Get a grip on things, girl!//

Keypad. Put fingers on keypad. Engage brain. Type with fingers.


Diary,

I've not felt so cold in a long, long time. Toxicity level is no higher than it was yesterday so it's not that I'm very ill or something. I can only put it down to honest-to-goodness shock. I have good reason to be shocked. Yesterday everything seemed more or less normal. I actually felt happy for a time, sitting on the couch next to Evla, watching a holo romance, sneaking the occasional chocolate when she wasn't looking?dreaming of snuggling up next to Ben sometime in the near future. I've got so many bridges to mend with him and I can't even begin to start right now. There's really no justice in the galaxy.

A day has come and gone: now I find that I don't have Evla anymore and I am in an apartment that seems emptier than I am, if that's possible. It's strange to believe that someone so full of life can be suddenly gone?

Everyone keeps telling me that she's NOT gone, that she's one with the force, but what good is that to me? I can't see her; I can't hear her voice or give her a hug. It's okay for them but they don't understand how I feel because they have the force and I do not. If Evla's at peace and happy then I am happy too?well, I'm not happy for me but I am for her. I just find it intolerable that I won't see her again in this lifetime. The worst of it is that I keep turning round, expecting her to come in the doorway at any moment. This is all going to take some getting used to.

It's not like I've never faced this situation before, I mean how many times have I had people I love just disappear on me? The circumstances are different though. Back in the old days I was taught to hide grief. Nadine always said it was for the best, because if you showed weakness to anyone they would soon learn to exploit it. Merdan would: it was his chief weapon against potential enemies. Levinstowe did too. I learned that the hard way. A

 

Upping this

 

BTW, I'm canvasing opinions - do you think there should be some romantic attachment between Obi and Corrine at this point or should we let common sense prevail for the time being? I have two scenarios I can follow and I'd be interested in your opinions. Thanks!

 

For being protectors of the galaxy sometimes Jedi are so thick. THey of all beings should know that everyone deals with grief in their own way and forcing Jemmiah to Evla's funeral is not the thing to do.

I will admit that I am a bit worried about Jemmy not remembering whether or not she's taken her pills.

I am so happy to see you posting on this again Jem!! (Now I can stop bugging you about it. )

Obi and Corrine?? I don't think so, at least not yet. I think the deal with Lauria would still be fresh in Obi's mind along with the fact that he almost lost Jemmy. I have a feeling that he would start being a bit overprotective of Jemmy to the point of almost smothering her.

 

I like this, but there's just not enough of it

 

"Padawan?"

Obi-Wan 's face was a perfect picture of brooding, misery - like a sculpture carved out of stone. Just one look at him told Qui-Gon where his apprentice's thoughts were dwelling at that moment. Nobody liked funerals but today was going to be particularly trying, no doubt for Jemmiah most of all. Possibly Obi-Wan was trying to think ahead, wondering exactly what kind of mood she would be in. Would she let him comfort her if she needed it? Would she cry? Would she just cut off everything that was going on around her just as she normally did?

//When the funeral is over I will invite her back with us. I feel that it's important to re-establish my identity and my bond with Jemmiah as her guardian.// Qui-Gon considered silently. //I know Evla would expect nothing less of me and I intend to do what is right.//

"I'm alright, master." Obi-Wan replied eventually, tracing a pattern in his breakfast bowl with his spoon. "I apologize for seeming distant. I'm just having some difficulty in being cheerful this morning."

"Understandable." Qui-Gon opined. "I didn't have the best of nights myself. Sometimes you cannot help but lie awake and think of things that you wish would not plague you. In the end," Qui-Gon admitted after a surprised Obi-Wan fixed him with a curious look, "I came to the conclusion that there is little that any of us could have done to change what has happened. Brooding will not alter the fact. Evla is past our help now and we have to continue. It's the only way."

"Yes, master." Agreed Obi-Wan. "I was thinking much the same."

"Indeed." Qui-Gon smiled. "Maybe we have even more in common than we thought. "

"We have Jemmy in common." Obi-Wan's face cracked into a smile.

"That too."

"If only we could find some way to make her feel better about everything?" Obi-Wan sighed, idly raising his spoon to eye level and placing his finger on the rounded end. "I know that it's something that only Jemmy can get over. When I think of all that has happened I keep wondering what will occur next."

"What do you mean?" enquired the master, puzzled. "Explain?"

"It seems like she's been subjected to a constant run of bad luck, right from the time when we went to the zoo up until Evla died. Any one of the things she's had to face could have broken someone. Jemmy's had to cope with them one after the other?"

"That's very often just the nature of things." Qui-Gon reached back to adjust the bands that tied his hair. Strangely, every time he did so now he thought of Jemmiah. Every time he trimmed his beard, tidying it up, he remembered the humiliation of Jemmiah's dare during the cantina crawl. "It's also the nature of Jemmiah. The reason she feels able to cope with these things that befall her is because invariably something worse will come along to surmount the previous hurt. I sometimes think she lives to hurt herself. It as if she feels she must suffer."

"That's ridiculous, master." Obi-Wan's frown became glacially cold. "Why would she want to suffer?"

"For being alive?"

Obi-Wan listened to his master's opinions but dismissed them after a brief moment's consideration. Jemmy often told him how much she longed for the day when she would be free of the plague of wraiths that had beset her this past half year. Besides, she couldn't be out to make trouble for herself: for example, how could she be responsible for Evla's death? If Evla truly had been trying to heal Jemmy that choice had belonged to the crèche master and not her daughter. There was no blame there to attach to Jemmiah at all.

"I respect your opinions master, even though I don't always agree with them." Obi-Wan nodded deferentially. "And I'm sure that however troubled today may get that we can come through it?" he flicked his spoon accidentally in an oblique angle, so that a huge globule of porridge winged its way straight across the table and landed in a diagonal line across Qui-Gon's brow.

Obi-Wan's mouth hung wide open.

"I beg your pardon, master." Kenobi hastened to fetch a cloth from the kitchen, leaving Qui-Gon s

 

Obi you better not let down your guard so quickly! Keep on your toes, that Valorum is a dirty old man! Maybe you should be aiming your porrage at him!

I'm so happy to see you posting on this again Jem! Thank you for a wonderful post and I hope you have another one for us soon!

 

*grin*

I'll see if I can't add something to this very soon. I'm working on it, I swear!

 

Okay...I lied. It took over half a year to post. But now I'm back, lol!

********

Jemmiah stood before the mirror once again, holding out the small black dress.

It was no good: she couldn't put it on. Every time she thought about slipping it on over her head something inside her went completely cold, as if someone were trying to get her to change her mind. Of course Jemmy knew that was ludicrous - it was quite clearly her subconscious playing tricks on her because deep down she detested the notion of having to wear such a baby outfit. Inside, Jemmy groaned. If she couldn't face getting dressed then she wasn't ready to face up to the prospect of a funeral, or watching her beloved Evla smouldering on an open funeral pyre?

If she wore something else then maybe she might feel more comfortable about standing there beside Ben and Master Jinn?the only problem being that she had nothing else that was fitting for the occasion. She'd been through her wardrobe ten times the night before and ten times since getting up in the morning, even though she knew that nothing suitable was going to astonishingly materialise before her eyes. There was her favourite red dress that she had managed to take in a little to accommodate her less shapely frame - the one that Ben seemed to like her so much in - but if she turned up to a funeral wearing that then she would most likely come in for considerable censure, not least from Qui-Gon. And on a day such as this, that was something she could well do without.

Jemmiah tossed the offending garment to one side, letting it join the massive heap of discarded outfits and shoes that lay piled up on the floor of her bedroom. Normally she was reasonably tidy but she didn't suppose that it mattered very much what she did, not when there was so much buzzing round her head at that moment. So much to think of?so much to do and organize?.

Wouldn't there have to be some kind of remembrance party? Wasn't she the one who would have to arrange it all? And did she really want to invite the world and his wife back to Evla's - to her - apartment? It wasn't as spotless as it could have been. Things would need to be bought in. Who did she invite? How the hell was she supposed to know what to do? On Nargotria, if someone died that you were close to, you mourned them in private and never let on to anyone how you really felt inside. Jemmiah much preferred it that way, too.

The notion to throw away the black outfit came back, only this time it urged her to venture next door, into Evla's own room. Perhaps there would be something in there that she could wear? Maybe an old robe or such like?at least that way she wouldn't stick out like a brightly colored Florizan Flamingo. Besides which, the idea of wearing something that had once been Evla's held a certain amount of appeal: it would be another way of honouring the woman who in many ways had become like her own mother.

Crèche masters generally speaking wore two colours of robes, blue and green, in various shades between. Evla favoured green; like Qui-Gon it had been her favourite colour. Thinking of the two of them, so different yet similar in many ways managed to bring a faint smile to Jemmiah's lips. What was it that had attracted them to each other, she wondered? So many times since finding out that they had briefly been in a relationship Jemmiah had wanted to ask Evla that exact question, but always her courage had failed her at the last moment. Now she would never know the truth, unless she were to put it to Qui-Gon, and frankly having an in-depth conversation about his personal life struck her as a scary thought! Whilst honest, Qui-Gon was above all gentlemanly and a Jedi to boot. His thoughts and memories were private, just as Jemmiah's were. If she couldn't admit her own chequered past then why should he?

"Evie, I'm such a mess." Jemmiah let her arms slump despondently by her side. "I want to do what is right and I want to make you proud of me this one last time?but I'm scared! I'll embarrass myself infront of everyone I know, for certain!

 

Poor Jemmy!

She's in the temple surrounded by all those Jedi and not one really knows how she's feeling at the moment. This is the time when she really needs Evla, but she's not there.

I don't know if this really makes me angry or want to cry...

A fabulous post Jem! I'm so happy to see you posting on it again!

 

Obi-Wan hovered nervously by the door for a moment, waiting for Qui-Gon to follow. Outside, through the windows that closed the apartment off from the balcony, he could see the sky beginning to clouds ominously. It seemed like a suitably sombre atmosphere for a funeral, as if even the sky was prepared to cry for Evla's passing.

//We shouldn't grieve.// Obi-Wan told himself, sighing deep down as he remembered the smiling face of the crèche master. //She is part of the force now?at peace. Still, it's difficult to feel anything but sadness at the moment. Evla will be much missed.//

Nor would it just be himself who would mourn her absence. There was his master, who had been close to her for many, many years. He at least had been given the luxury of knowing that Evla's death was imminent; for everyone else barring the healers, the news had come as a complete and total shock. How would the children cope without their favourite carer? What about the likes of Lenchen, so very close to her during the last year of Evla's life? Would the younger ones even understand why they would never see their 'Nanny Evla' again? No doubt today would prove a very difficult day indeed.

Qui-Gon appeared from his room looking immaculately pressed and cleaned, completely without any trace of the porridge his padawan had so carelessly managed to fling across him that morning. His boots were polished until the leather looked like buffed diamonds, whilst even the sash on his tunic somehow gave the appearance of having the pleats ironed into them with starch-like precision. There were few people in the galaxy who were less vain than Qui-Gon, yet the man managed to look tidy at all times. In comparison Obi-Wan always felt like a badly crumpled sock?

Qui-Gon stopped in his tracks and looked his padawan up and down. "Very smart."

"Really? I don't feel smart. I feel distinctly grungy?like I was back on Urior without the benefit of the laundry droids." Obi-Wan muttered as he examined his own boots. Why couldn't he get his to shine like Qui-Gon's? "It's all in my head, I suppose. Maybe I'd feel uncomfortable no matter what on a day such as this?"

"There's a lot of truth in that." Agreed Qui-Gon bleakly, giving the room a final look around before ushering his padawan out of the door ahead of him. "And I'm afraid it won't get any easier. We've got a fine line to draw, Obi-Wan, between making sure we don't leave Jemmiah feeling as if she's on her own and giving her enough room to come to terms with things by herself."

"She'll never come to terms with Evla's death if she's left to her own devices." Obi-Wan scowled, his chin jutting indignantly. "All she'll do is bury her head in the sand."

"What do you suggest we do?" Qui-Gon responded in a similarly gruff tone. "Make her listen to what we want to say?" He was about to admit he'd already tried those particular tactics with no real success to show for it, but thought better of it. It wasn't the time to start an argument. Funerals were about letting go of negative emotions: carrying extra in with them would only add fuel to the fire.

Fuel to the fire?

He could have cursed his unfortunate choice of phrase but instead laughed it off. No doubt Evla would have chuckled too, had she been around to hear it. Jemmiah?she wouldn't be laughing right now, not at anything. He'd seen the horror in her eyes when he'd mentioned the crematorium, or 'friary' as she had so delicately referred to it, and her words had left him in no doubt as to how she felt at the prospect of attending another funeral. She'd seen so many of them over the years but this one, next to the death of her birth mother, must surely have shaken her the most.

"I'm not sure." Obi-Wan admitted after a moment's thought. "As you say, master, she doesn't like people smothering her?stopping her from doing what she wants. All I know is - if the past is anything to judge by - she'll just suffer in silence. It's what she's best at." The padawan added ironically.

There was always Rela, Qui-Gon thought, as they headed down towards

 

I'm with Leona! I think Jemmy would feel more comfortable with the crechlings then with there with all older Jedi.

Although something about their attitude really gets me angry. They're supposed to be protectors and defenders of the galaxy, but they don't seem to understand that people mourn different ways. I'm sure the last thing Jemmy wants is to see Evla's funeral pyre. I would think that praising her life would be more important then mourning her death. Not everyone grew up learning 'There is no death, there is the Force.'

Sorry! I'll stop venting now.

 

Just giving this a little bump up to remind Jem that since TLST is semi-over that she can work on this some!

(Hint Hint)