main
side
curve
  1. Welcome to the new boards! Details here!

JCC Toxic Relationship Advice

Discussion in 'Community' started by LilRebelArt, Apr 16, 2018.

  1. LilRebelArt

    LilRebelArt Jedi Padawan star 1

    Registered:
    Apr 9, 2018
    Hey Everyone

    I wasn't sure were to post this after digging around for a while. So if this is in the wrong spot, please just let me know. I'm fairly new around here and perhaps most people don't care to hear about another person's woes. I do want to state that I realize that everyone has their own issues. I also realize that my issue is not the worst situation in this world. So with that said, this is my own personal experiences, trauma and issues. I do not speak for anyone else experiencing the same issues.

    But if you do have a similar issue or have in the past, please feel free to share. I'm always looking for people to may be able to relate because a lot of my closest friends haven't experienced anything like this. And when I talk about it, most of them are like "Well, I don't know what to tell you, sorry." Maybe I'm just screwed. :rolleyes:

    Anyway, with that preface out of the way, this post may get really long and sort of rambling. If you need any clarification or more details on the topic, please just ask. I'm going to keep everything short and as brief as I can to help cut down on the overwhelming words on your screen. And if you've stuck through this so far and keep reading, I really thank you for your time and support. :)


    Okay, so to kind of begin, I'll give you a glimpse of what I've had to deal with in the past. I'm adopted and was adopted by great parents who did raise me well. As I got older, things of course happen within the family that may have, perhaps really damaged my own parents and maybe they should have had their own therapy for their own issues. There isn't an easier way to say it, but I was what most would consider emotionally and mentally abused by the time I was in high school until I moved out. I wont go into details so if you wish to know more, I'll expand on them. But in this case for this post, I'll keep it at that. I ended up moving to a different state where my Boyfriend (now fiancee) was living and I moved in with his family. That is where this story will continue from this point on.

    When I first moved in, it was obviously a stark difference from the life I had been living. His parents were great (His step mom and dad) and they helped us out a great deal in many situations. we lived with them for a year before moving in with my fiancee's aunt who needed help and unfortunately after 6 months or so, she ended up causing us a ton of problems and so we had to move out and ended up back in with his family.

    The reasons we did:
    - We had to move out quick because of the issues
    - There was plans for them to move out within the year to a different home and we were going to rent out of there. And at the time, we had no idea how bad things were going to get.

    After moving back in, things got super bad super quick. His parents had decided to foster a newborn right before we moved in and I knew that wasn't going to go well. Both of them have totally different parenting styles and they both had their own issues that never were worked out.

    So for the past year now we've had nothing but the two of them fighting, his step mom being terrible in the way of manipulation, pushing the baby on everyone (Despite her saying she doesn't want to and all that. ) and my days are spent cleaning up the house on my free time and getting pushed into babysitting or errands any chance I get.

    Now again, I'm being vague with no specifics because of the lengths of this post so once more, feel free to ask. But because of my past, a lot of tension has built because she's turning out to treat me a lot similar to how they did. I do want to say that I have NO issues helping out and cleaning and all that. But when it's expected from me all the time and she doesn't do anything hardly, that's when it gets to me. And her hypocritical nature is the worst. His dad is having major mental problems and has his own major issues. He does nothing but stir the pot and she sets him off more.

    The adoption for this little girl is planned in may. She made it clear that after the baby was adopted that if his dad didn't shape up that she'd leave him. And we'd be expected to help support them since she can't work and hasn't gotten her disability yet. I don't want my life to be ruined. And I have a feeling she's going to intentionally set his dad off and make it worse.

    Now the light at the end of the tunnel is they WILL be moving for sure in November. There were plans for them to move into her sister's home and it had gotten pushed off for a year because she's building from the ground up and paying out of pocket. I don't know how much more I can take. I work from home and I have to put up with her every single day with nothing but complaining and all that. I do my best to ignore her, as our room is in the basement.

    If you're asking why we don't just go get an apartment, I had been in between jobs for about six months and just started up. We don't have the money and this house would be perfect for the two of us once they are gone and much cheaper than an apartment.

    So the advice is how do I make it until November? What do I do? we can't say anything because it makes things a million times worse. my anxiety and panic attacks are worse than normal. I don't sleep. It's just a mess.

    Edit: I do want to confirm that after we ARE away from them that I plan on keeping my distance for a very long time. I realize that the first step in a toxic relationship is to move away or casterate it. However, that's currently not an option. I really am looking for possible ways to cope until then.

    Anyway, I'll leave it at that. If you've made it this far, you're a true friend. Thank you.
     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2018
  2. Mortimer Snerd

    Mortimer Snerd Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    Dec 27, 2012
    I came in here ready to dispense a ****ton of toxic relationship advice but the reality of this thread killed my buzz.
     
    cookeycat, Sarchet, Ender Sai and 3 others like this.
  3. DANNASUK

    DANNASUK Force Ghost star 7

    Registered:
    Nov 1, 2012
    Holy ****
     
    LilRebelArt likes this.
  4. tom

    tom Chosen One star 7

    Registered:
    Mar 14, 2004
    i would move. if you can't afford to rent an apartment on your own maybe look for people who are searching for roommates. if the situation is that horrible, i would try to get out of it asap. waiting until november seems like a bad plan for a couple reasons. one, it's entirely possible that their plans to move will get pushed back again due to unforeseen circumstances. two, if the parents are going to become your landlords after they move then they will still be at least somewhat involved in your life and you won't be able to get the distance that it seems like you need. just my two cents, best of luck.
     
  5. LilRebelArt

    LilRebelArt Jedi Padawan star 1

    Registered:
    Apr 9, 2018
    Didn't mean to kill your buzz, fo sho.
     
  6. LilRebelArt

    LilRebelArt Jedi Padawan star 1

    Registered:
    Apr 9, 2018
    I agree, for sure. That's what I'm on the fence about. The nice thing is the house isn't theirs to begin with. It's her sister's who happens to own this house, her house and her future house. So thankfully any sort of rent would go to her. I'm dying to move but my worry is it may take us several months to get caught up on things it may be at least till summer. But I've really been contemplating this for sure and want to just be done with them all. Definitely thanks for the advice!
     
    tom likes this.
  7. heels1785

    heels1785 JCC/PT/New Films Manager star 7 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Dec 10, 2003
    i think tom's advice is sound. overall, i'm more in line with dan - i don't even know what to think, it just sounds so terrible. it's not what you asked for, but you have my sympathies.

    on the bright side - your art is really fantastic. i hope that being a part of this community brings you some solace and much-needed distraction.
     
  8. LilRebelArt

    LilRebelArt Jedi Padawan star 1

    Registered:
    Apr 9, 2018
    Hey, I appreciate the sympathies and like of my art. :) It's been a great distraction so far; I just delve my free time (What I have) to you guys and my art. I've been digging around at some recommended threads and I hope to dig in a bit and start threading more soon.
     
    heels1785 likes this.
  9. a star war

    a star war Jedi Master star 4

    Registered:
    May 4, 2016
    If you really want that house just discosciate for a few months and when you snap back to reality they’ll be gone.
     
    LilRebelArt likes this.
  10. LilRebelArt

    LilRebelArt Jedi Padawan star 1

    Registered:
    Apr 9, 2018
    That's what I've been trying to do. Some days it's better than others.
     
  11. soitscometothis

    soitscometothis Jedi Grand Master star 5

    Registered:
    Jul 11, 2003
    Your art is gorgeous. Do you post in tfn's fan art forum? It's been years since I visited it, but it used to be a great community.

    As far as stress relief goes, exercise is good. I like running, but there are various workouts you can find on youtube where you don't need much in the way of weights or things that cost money. Anything positive is good.
     
    heels1785 , Sarge and LilRebelArt like this.
  12. LilRebelArt

    LilRebelArt Jedi Padawan star 1

    Registered:
    Apr 9, 2018
    Aw, thanks! :) And yes, everyone has been lovely in that thread. :)

    Exercise def helps for sure. I was walking every day until someone was murdered up the street and then a few streets down and they were never caught. Lol I hope to pick my gym pass up again hopefully in a few months. usually youtube and art usually help disassociate some for sure.
     
    soitscometothis likes this.
  13. Diggy

    Diggy Force Ghost star 7

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2013
    If moving isn’t possible right now, but you work from home, is it possible to work from another location? A friends house, Starbucks?
     
    heels1785 and LilRebelArt like this.
  14. LilRebelArt

    LilRebelArt Jedi Padawan star 1

    Registered:
    Apr 9, 2018
    Most of my friends are in a different state and with the job I do it has to be from a home office of sorts. But, I have been considering seeing if any of the extended family on his side may have a spare office I can use. Good suggestion. I appreciate it!
     
    heels1785 and Diggy like this.
  15. LilRebelArt

    LilRebelArt Jedi Padawan star 1

    Registered:
    Apr 9, 2018
    Okay, so a little unsettling update.

    The extended family is no longer moving. So we are doing our best to get out and on our own after we catch up. (Soon there.)
    However, of course there would be another ****storm to hit us in the face.

    Let me start by saying Both our families live in two different states. When I moved here my parents and his were not on good terms. The four have actually never met. His parents have been wanting to meet mine for some time now but my parents have an active farm and because of how toxic his parens came off in the beginning towards them, there has never been any desire nor has his family come up by mine. I've personally never have brought it up because his step mother wants to ruin my relationship with my parents after we've been working on mending. (Being vague for post sake.)

    Anyhow, we are going to be eloping next month (at least we planned on it.) Both families are aware that we want a single ceremony with just the two of us to help keep people from feeling left out. We then planned one picnic in July with my family and then another one in September with all his family because no one can/wants to travel.

    Yesterday, I spoke with his step mother about it and she freaked out and said all sorts of stuff about how stupid and how my family doesn't want to see them and all this stuff. My family asked if they were coming but I explained that the traveling with a baby over 7 hours would have been too much and we didn't want to not include any of his extended family. So with that said, I tried to explain this but she wouldn't have it. So my fiancee did his best to talk with his dad today who was even worse than her. In a long winded conversation it was clear that this was all my fault and my families fault and again, I'm being vague but it made me feel like ****.

    I don't even know why I'm posting this. Probably cause the stress of this has gotten to me so bad today Im on my lunch trying to zen down to make it through another almost 4 hours of work. The only way things are going to get better is if we move out. We are AWARE of this.

    I guess I did want to bounce one thought around... Let me first say that I'm embarrassed to even ask about this because I'm afraid it will get some negative feedback. But I'll ask, all the more because I've already been beaten down the past few days so what's a little more? Anyway, we are considering doing some sort of..Kickstarter or one of those similar platforms to help raise some cash in order to get a place of our own. We can afford a place on our usual salary, but we can't get out quick enough while trying to catch up on bills from when I was job hunting.

    So anyway, sorry if this sort of thing annoys anyone. Just venting to an awesome bunch of peeps.
     
  16. Diggy

    Diggy Force Ghost star 7

    Registered:
    Feb 27, 2013
    Do yourself a favour. Move out and away from your bf and his poisonous family. Get away from them all. And it will help because you’re poison to them also. Tell him when he breaks from them you’ll happily take him back

    But you won’t, he won’t, so whatever.

    Btw I want to begin a kickstarter to buy a single person submarine because I want it now and can’t be arsed to save. Yay or nay?
     
    Juliet316 likes this.
  17. SuperWatto

    SuperWatto Manager Emeritus star 6 VIP - Former Mod/RSA

    Registered:
    Sep 19, 2000
    Diggy, hush. Don't let slowpoke find out.
     
    Juliet316 and Diggy like this.
  18. heels1785

    heels1785 JCC/PT/New Films Manager star 7 Staff Member Manager

    Registered:
    Dec 10, 2003
    First, congrats on your nuptials. That day is for you, not your family - while I'm sure there's a lot of stress leading up to the event, don't let anyone ruin it for you. I don't know much about weddings, but I do know a lot about family stress. If you've got to keep the group small and exclude some (or all), I imagine that is preferable to trying to include everyone and inviting chaos. If I'm wrong about that, hopefully some more seasoned and experienced voices will weigh in.

    Second, have you considered Etsy or another similar online marketplace for your art? May be a more reliable outlet.

    Wish you the best, @LilRebelArt.
     
  19. darth_gersh

    darth_gersh Jedi Grand Master star 6

    Registered:
    Feb 18, 2005
    Whisky drowns out all other people's problems. Whisky does you good.

    Problem solved.
    Your Welcome.
     
  20. Ender Sai

    Ender Sai Chosen One star 10

    Registered:
    Feb 18, 2001
    gersh that your only relationships are toxic and abusive ones with alcohol does not actually qualify you to give advice.
     
  21. darth_gersh

    darth_gersh Jedi Grand Master star 6

    Registered:
    Feb 18, 2005
    Whisky never lies Ender. You should know this.
     
  22. tom

    tom Chosen One star 7

    Registered:
    Mar 14, 2004
    i definitely wouldn't do a kickstarter. save that option for an actual medical emergency or something. a patreon for your art could maybe help supplement your income though. i would repeat my earlier suggestion of looking for people who need roommates if you can't afford all the expenses of getting your own place right now. you'd at least get out of the toxic situation.
     
    Juliet316 and poor yorick like this.
  23. TiniTinyTony

    TiniTinyTony Jedi Grand Master star 6

    Registered:
    Mar 9, 2003
    There's gofundme. My wife's cousin lost her job and didn't have money to pay for her heating bill. Everyone in the family donated a little bit and she was able to pay her bill and have heat in the winter while she was able to secure a new job.

    I love my in-laws and the little errands they ask us to do pale in comparison so I won't waste your time with an example, but keep in mind that moving out won't solve all your problems especially if you stay in the area. We live 2 hours away and in our own home and they still ask for unreasonable requests but it's family so you just do it.

    Your best bet, and what we've discussed, is moving to another state completely to just get away from family for a few years. Sure, funds are an issue for you, but I don't know if you mentioned if your fiance has a job or not. It took me 3 months to find a new job, so assuming the same for you, you could be out by July with any luck sooner. Only go home to sleep or eat and just go to some place with free wifi like a public library to work on applying to jobs. The less interaction with his family, the better for you.
     
    Juliet316 likes this.
  24. LilRebelArt

    LilRebelArt Jedi Padawan star 1

    Registered:
    Apr 9, 2018
    @Diggy & @SuperWatto - I appreciate your input.

    @heels1785 - Hey, thanks for the congrats. That's why we've put our foot down with that. We aren't giving them what they want. It's ridiculous. Etsy is something I'm working on re-opening as we speak. It's a so/so thing for me. I haven't had TOO much luck in the past. But I really appreciate the reminder. :) I do use Patreon and have been trying to gather some business that way without being annoying.

    @darth_gersh & @Ender Sai - So far whiskey has failed me. But I'm thinking of switching to rum.

    @tom - Patreon is my go to. I've recently opened one and working on building that up. Trying to push it without being annoying. But it's a good idea for sure. We've been reaching out to people we know to see if anyone is available for rooms to rent and nothing yet. We are out of the house as much as we can be, for sure. I appreciate it!

    @TiniTinyTony - Thanks for all the input. I agree 100 percent with you. gofundme is an option. Like I said, it's kinda our LAST option. We aren't the type to not want to work hard and pay for our own stuff. My Fiancee works full time and makes decent money. As I do work (as stated) as well. It took about 6 months to find a decent job around here and all the time with interviews, applying, I worked hard on commissions and stuff to make the bills. I currently work at home full time as tech support.

    We plan on cutting ties at least for a long period to give that space. I don't mind helping them but yeah, taken to the next level for sure.
     
  25. Jedi Knight Fett

    Jedi Knight Fett Force Ghost star 10

    Registered:
    Feb 18, 2014
    I know I am a bit late to this, but it’s good to see that your putting your foot down on the matter. At least you now know that there are a bunch of fantastic people here.