Before Tragedy of the old republic pt. 1 The final battle of Malachor V

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction- Before, Saga, and Beyond' started by DarthKasslar, Jun 23, 2011.

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  1. DarthKasslar Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 21, 2011
    My life and my soul will be engrained into the lifeless ground of malachor V, I will be one of those republic soldiers remembered for fighting a unwinnable war to kill every single one of those dreaded mandalorian?s, just like the other soldiers, even the Jedi, we were all angry and cold hearted killers, we enjoyed nothing but the satisfaction of killing one of those damned abominations, this was the end of my life, a flash a big white nothing had occurred and the next thing I saw was my blurry eyes came to and I was full of blood, my left arm was blown off and all my armor was melting, all I saw was a lifeless wasteland, everyone was dead, even the Jedi, next thing I saw was a mandalorion full of blood, he seemed to be in critical condition such as I was, he spotted me moving and charged straight for me with a vibrosword, I was panicking , I got up to find a Jedi laying on my legs dead, I looked for any kind of weapon to defend myself with, he was rushing at me, coming faster and faster , the crazy look as if he had no other purpose but to take me down, the only thought going on in my head was ?I would rather be dipped in carbonite alive then be striked down by a mandalorian? then I noticed something connected to his belt, I picked it up! He was right in-front of me about to take one swing next thing! I pressed the button and! ???. Nothing but the humming sound from the light saber could be heard, I didn?t know if I got cut or stabbed from the sword or not, all I could feel was pain and anger, I felt blood running down my face as if it was water, I was colder and every second felt like I was reliving a painful death, at that moment i saw in the distance repupblic ships fleeing the planet, thats when i figured out that we had won this war and it was worth fighting for, in shock i hooked the lightsaber back onto the utillity belt of the dead jedi and i picked up a blaster 2 meters away from me, i put it to my temple and with one blast, nothing was heard but silence and my life flashing befour me! i died honorably, being one of the many soldiers and kedi to have died in the self destruction of malachor V.


    this is a prologue for the story im writing about a republic soldier and my story will make the reader witness the battle of malachor V through the eyes of a soldier hopefully. i will post the whole story possibly but for now i want to some feedback, ive really taken interest in fan fiction and this is my first peice in starwars so tell me what you guys think, i tryed to write this prologue out to be as close to the kotor/kotor2 canon as i could.
  2. JediDingo Force Ghost

    Member Since:
    Mar 27, 2005
    star 3
    You've got some talent, I enjoyed reading that. I like the idea of a first person story of a Republic Soldier on Malachor. Perhaps you could even start from the enlistment period all the way to the end of the war, but it's totally you're story! But just to help, you may want to space out your story into different paragraphs. Like so:

    See, it's easier on the eyes. And also to attract more readers, capitalize the letters of the story to: Tragedy of the Old Republic Pt. One: The Final Battle of Malachor V.

    Keep it up! And don't get down if not a lot of people review it at first. You just need to push through and tell the story you want to tell! I will keep my eye on this and if you need any help at all with anything just give me a PM.
  3. Commander-DWH Shiny Costuming & Props Manager

    Manager
    Member Since:
    Nov 3, 2003
    star 4
    Welcome to fanfic, DarthKasslar! This is a really interesting idea for a fic.

    Here are my suggestions: first and foremost, find a beta reader. Betas can be invaluable- not only do they help with mechanics like spelling and grammar, but they'll also help check for consistency, readability, and general sense-making of the story. You can find one in the Beta Reader Index over in Resource.

    Second, listen to JediDingo. :p Those are some excellent suggestions for readability, and are pretty minor changes to make. It's a really good habit, and you'll pull in more readers that way.

    That said, keep it up! I'll be interested to see where you take this story.
  4. DarthKasslar Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 21, 2011
    Thanks for the feedback guys :D
  5. darthfarticus Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jul 19, 2011
    that was enteresting not bad
  6. DarthKasslar Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 21, 2011
    Hey guys just to let you know i have read all ur guys feedback and have tried my best to understand and use some of these tips! i am currently writing the 4th chapter of my fan fic and its going well! i carefully spell check and read over everything now and its starting to look pretty good for my first starwars fanfic! thank you all.
  7. gaarastar58 Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Dec 19, 2010
    I really liked reading this. I felt the desperation and pain of your character. Keep writing.

    Conor
  8. DarthKasslar Jedi Padawan

    Member Since:
    Jun 21, 2011
    Thank you! im looking forward to everyone reading my story soon, i have written 5 chapters and i will probably end it at around 7 since im pretty much near done.... because of school coming again, im going to have to proof read and what not so you can expect me to be posting an update again on this topic next month when its complete, il try and figure out how to show it to you all who seem to have taken a real interest in it!

    the fact that people seem to find enjoyment in this one prologue of a story i was thinking i was probably never going to fully write, because of you guys i got inspired and now im near the end of writing this story..... and if i get a bigger reaction from it then maybe il continue, fanfics have been amazing to read and very fun to write so again

    thank you all and have a pleasant day!

    Scott
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