(Trial. I need help, +/- points) Brothers of Majesty

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction Stories--Classic JC Board (Reply-Only)' started by zaphod_beeblebrox, Dec 1, 2002.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. zaphod_beeblebrox Jedi Knight

    Member Since:
    Aug 21, 2001
    star 1
    Well, for quite a while, I had been wanting to write a bit of fic about an idea of mine: 3 brothers who are all Jedi Knights, all with different characteristics.
    So since late last night, I began to write it, and because I'm so aware of my writing flaws, I'd like to give it a little trial.
    I would like some feedback about how I'm not too good and where to improve.
    So here we go:

    ***

    The Brothers of Majesty
    Part I: Not the same



    Jedi Masters Yoda and Mace Windu sat cross-legged in a meditation room at the Jedi Temple, Coruscant.
    ?It?s good the Virtue brothers returned safely,? Mace said, out of the bloom.
    ?Yes, worried am I,? replied Yoda, ?Bain, much too reckless is he.?
    ?If anything, he?s got worse... he barely takes anything seriously anymore. It?s a good job we instructed his brother, Nain to watch over him.?
    ?Yes, a sensible one is he.?
    ?And when Nain is called for his medical assistance, the other brother, Cain, is there.?
    ?Mmm, Cain, much hurt there is within him. Ever since...?
    ?Yes, he loved Shen Huey dearly...?
    There was a moment of silence.
    Mace Windu continued, ?And then there?s their inheritance. It?s not right, a Jedi must not have any possessions. Possessions lead to the need for power to control them, and eventually greed.?

    Elsewhere, the Virtue brothers were travelling home, in their private speeder, through the cloudy sky of Coruscant.
    Cain piloted the speeder, he wore very un-traditional Jedi robes: black. His long jet-black hair hung over the sombre look, spread across his face.
    Nain sat directly behind Cain, he was a skinny man wearing the traditional Jedi robes. Atop his head a ring of bright green hair, about 2 inches long, stuck up, centring a spike of red hair that was slightly taller. the rest of his head was bald. He was busy writing in a holo-book.
    Bain was sitting to the right of Nain. He was physically bigger than his other brothers, he had taken off his Jedi robes to reveal a white tanktop, which showed off his muscled upper-body. Several strange black tattoos covered his arms and back. He had no hair on his head apart from his goatee beard. His face showed a different side of him, he carried a immature look.
    Bain leant over to look at Nain?s writings, ?Whatcha? writing?? Bain said while staring into the holo-book, trying to look interested.
    ?Well, I?m writing a log entry for today and the extensive trip etcetera as well as the invigorating discussion with the Masters,? Nain replied. Suddenly, Bain slapped Nain across the face and took his holo-book, ?You geek!?
    Nain recovered quickly and turned to Bain, ?Give me that back, you brute!? Bain held out his arm and pushed Nain away by the head, because of the sheer size of Bain?s arm, Nain could not reach Bain to get his book back.
    ?Will you retards just shut up for a minute? I?m trying to drive,? spat Cain.
    Nain stopped struggling, Bain threw the book out of the window of the speeder into the sky-lanes of Coruscant. Quickly, Nain grabbed the book back with the Force.
    Soon, the speeder arrived at the brothers? home: a penthouse suite on one of the tallest buildings in that district of Coruscant.


    The next day...

    Bain was awoken too early for his liking when he heard the routine screams Nain experienced during his sleep. Bain groaned and shouted: ?Turn the volume down!?
    Cain was already in Nain?s room, comforting him, ?You know, these prophetic visions of yours, perhaps they?re not so good after all.?
    ?I do what I have to.?
    ?What? Finding out some oblique details about what is going to happen in a few centuries time? Ridiculous.?
    Bain entered the room, still in his sleeping clothes, ?Do you ever see people in the nuddy in these dreams??
    ?Shut up, Mynock breath,? retorted Nain.
    ?Anyway, I contacted the tattoo guy, he?s coming ?round tonight,? Bain mentioned.
    That evening.

    Nain answered the door to a rather scruffy looking man covered in tattoos, ?Yeah, I?m the tattoo specialist,?
    ?Ah, yes. Come in sir.?
    The two walked through the hall into the large sitting room. Elaborate furnit
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.