Story [Twilight] Selfishly Holding, Selflessly Leaving

Title: Selfishly Holding, Selflessly Leaving
Author: JmsBndGrl
Fandom: Twilight Saga - New Moon
Genre: Romance, Drama, Angst
Characters: Edward Cullen
Summary: Edward Cullen's thoughts on what he knows he must do, the night before he leaves Forks in New Moon. A ?Midnight Sun? like scene.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight Saga. I?m just borrowing Stephenie Meyer?s characters for a bit. I also do not own the few Romeo and Juliet references throughout, those are Shakespeare?s.

***

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? ?It is the east, and Bella is the sun.? I offer a sad smile up to her lighted window as I finish my thought and allow the heavy weight of pain to settle upon my chest. Reflexively my hand comes up and rubs a small circle around my stilled heart. If my heart still beat within my chest, I know it would be shattering in pain. However, that will not change my decision. As much as it hurts me, as much as I long to keep her for myself, I know I cannot.

She is the joy of my existence, but I know I must let her go. My time was long ago, and Bella?s is now. Our paths would never have met had it not been for the myth turned reality which stole me from death. I by no means am angry with Carlisle for changing me, it did bring me to my Bella. However, as I should be dead I know I cannot selfishly cling to her life and soul. She belongs to the Mike Newtons? the humans, of the world. I grimace at the idea of Bella in Mike?s arms rather than mine, but how can I deny her love and safety, even if it is with Mike. Although I long to give her those things, all I can guarantee her is danger.

A sigh escapes my lips as I press myself deeper into the shadows around her house. Images from her birthday party assault me as they have every second since that day: the slice of wrapping paper against her delicate skin, the heavenly fragrance of her blood, the menace in Jasper?s eyes as he launched himself towards her, and the most disturbing memory of all was the knowledge that my own instincts urged me to do the same. The greatest horror of them all was not the injuries she sustained, those are healing and disappearing with time, but the knowledge that I could have easily taken her life myself. That knowledge haunts me when I know she deserves much better.

I?ve seen in her eyes the last two days, her attempts to convince me the events of her birthday were not the horror we both knew them to be. Sometimes I wonder if she realizes how hard she is making it for me, for what I know I must do. I had thought about sneaking out of her bedroom the evening of her birthday and walking out of her life for good. After all, she would be? will be, safer without me.

I told myself I would not blacken her birthday further by leaving her that night, it could wait another day. However, if I was truly honest with myself, I was not staying for her, I was staying for myself. I already knew I had to leave her, but I needed one more night with her.

From the moment I walked into her room that night my fingers ran against every surface of her furniture as I catalogued the room for the years to come. As I settled on her bed, I can remember fighting back a wave of anger at the tiny silver wrapped packages I had brought up for her from her truck. I wanted to blame them for the pain they were causing me, but as I had growled out on the ride to her house, I knew that no one at Mike Newton?s house would have had the urge to drain the blood from Bella?s body because of some accident she had suffered. The gifts were an easy target rather than the true guilty party, me.

My wallowing must have shown on my face as she entered her room that night. I can remember her climbing into my lap and snuggling close to me in an attempt to distract me. It might have worked had I been human, but my vampire mind could still process the guilt and self loathing. However I did push it towards the back of my mind and just focused on her for a moment. Memorizing her sc

 

That was so beautiful!! And so very sad I love the R&J comparison!

 

Nicely done! Great job!

 

NYCitygurl: Thanks! This was a plot bunny that had been nagging me for a while. Bella describes Edward as Romeo in the book, but I thought it would be interesting to get his take on it.

Miana Kenobi: Thanks!

 

Bumping in case people missed this. Besides, I'm in a "Twilight" mood today. Once again for those who did read, thanks for your support!

 

You have made Edward's decision quite believable. Irrational, but believable.

 

ratna: Apparently undeath doesn't help with logic. When I first read New Moon I wanted to scream at him and Bella, but now its probably my favorite book in the series. Thanks for reading.

 

I'm not even a Twilight fan, but I enjoyed reading this. It's so tragic. You have done a good job capturing the noble and selfless (and irrational) side of Edward's character.

 

DarthCynique: Thanks for reading, especially if you aren't a Twilight fan.