Story [Twilight] The Shirtless Test (Him or Me) - New Moon parody/humor - oneshot

The Shirtless Test (Him or Me)

By Serena

A/N: OK, so I've read the books. Didn't really like them. Seen both movies now. And if I had to choose, definitely, absolutely, hands down, Jacob. I always felt like he got the raw end of the deal. But I despise Bella because she's got zero personality. And I despise Edward because he's just downright creepy. I know I'll probably get a TON of flames for this, but it's just my opinion.

Anyhoodles, I should warn you that this oneshot is short and off the charts random.

Disc: Don't own!

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My breath caught, frosty in the crisp spring afternoon. The sun glittered through the trees, speckling down on my stricken face. Its rays also caught hold of the two men who currently held places in my heart.

Jacob Black. Werewolf.

Edward Cullen. Vampire.

Both looked like they wanted to kill each other. Which, I?m sure, they did.

Don?t get me started on guys and their idiocy. I mean, geez louzie? there?s always another girl out there somewhere. It?s not like it?s the end of the world when I don?t choose one of them.

And I thought GIRLS were drama queens.

?Stay away from her,? Edward ordered sharply, his golden eyes blazing into Jacob.

Drama queens? hmm, I wonder where that phrase came from? Why not drama princess? Well, not as catchy.

?Don?t tell me what to do, bloodsucker,? Jacob growled in return, baring his very white teeth. He had really fine canines. Well, let?s face it. The guy was a really fine canine himself. Whew.

FOCUS, Bella. Where were we? drama queens?

?Or drama princesses?? I thought.

?What??

I blinked and saw the two guys staring at me weirdly. Oops. Must?ve said that last thing out loud. ?Did I just say that out loud??

They both nodded slowly. I shrugged.

?Oh. Never mind.?

?I?ve lost you once,? Edward said, returning to his glaring at Jacob. ?I won?t lose you again, Bella.?

?She?s not yours, blood-sucker,? Jacob snarled, drawing closer to me.

I raised my hand. ?Uh, last time I checked, Edward, you didn?t lose me. You broke up with me.?

?I was lying.?

?I didn?t know,? I said irritably. ?I?m gullible. So sue me.?

?I love you,? said Edward pleadingly. Those eyes now bore onto me.

?Tcha? you know what? Anh-anh!? I shook my head. ?I?m done with you two idiots fighting over me like I?m a piece of meat. Might as well cut me in half and share dinner.?

?I don?t want to eat you, Bella!? Jacob protested.

?Yeah, well, you never know.?

?You have to end this, Bella,? Edward commanded angrily. ?Him or me.?

I frowned. Looked one way. Looked the other way. Oh, this was so hard. I felt tears spring up in my eyes. How could I do this? How could I bring pain to one ? the one I refused? When I shared such a deep connection, such a loving bond with each man? both were so close in my heart. We each shared experiences neither of us would forget.

But it all boiled down to one thing, I decided heavily.

I glanced at Edward. Closed my eyes. Remembered Volterra. Remembered him taking off his shirt. Revealed icy, sparkling skin. A rather slender figure for a man.

Hmm.

I opened my eyes and glanced at Jacob. Well? I didn?t have to close my eyes for this one. I gazed at him. Remembered the time he was shirtless. In the rain. On the beach. Lots of other places. Warm, bronze skin. Rippling, muscular figure. Sexy six-pack, bulging biceps.

Hmm.

?Him or me,? Edward repeated.

I shrugged. ?Him,? I said simply, and walked over to Jacob.

Needless to say, Edward was shocked. Jacob looked a bit stunned, too.

?What? Why?? Edward demanded.

I looked at him as if it were obvious. ?You failed the Shirtless test.?

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END


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[i]I'm sorry, that was really, really, really random. But hey... I warned you.

Reviews are appreciated. :)

- Serena[/i]

 

Well you certainly bring up many of my chief objections to the 'saga' ... and have used just the right epee to point them out. Nicely done.

 

One word: awesome.

Really great parody, Serena. Like ratna said, you bring up a lot of key arguments against the series. Good job. (I'm not a fan of the series, in case you didn't know ).

So... is it drama queens or drama princesses?

 

Loved it. New Moon made me fairly certain that the makeup artist was Team Jacob, just because of the shirtless test.

 

This is great!! I saw the movie and spent a lot of time looking at Jacob's abs

 

LOL! That was great! Team Jacob all the way (even before the New Moon movie hehehe) got to admit...I wonder if any Team Edwards switched due to the new movie?

Well done, glad you posted it to share with us!

 

That was priceless. I dearly applaud you, both for your thoughts and for the fic. Gotta love Jacob and his chest.

 

Personally I'm just waiting for the next bestseller to take this ones place in the long line of movies people obsess about.

I must say though I really enjoyed this.

What I find funny though is the way they sold the movie to the teen girls out there. And I think you captured that very well in this story.

Although I must say the method works. I mean I spent all of Prince caspian oogling the fauns.

 

Great parody.