Memph, TN Two Hours of My Life I'll Never Get Back: The Absolutely, Obscenely Awful Movie and TV Thread

It's a little gem called "Big Jim McClain"

Watched it once for a paper...

And yes, there are no original ideas... Just semi-original ideas for re-hashing things that were fine before they touched them... They're like DelRey... Just out for our pocketbook contents...

 

Barry Lyndon

Kubrick was a genius but for some reason, I hated that movie

 

Speaking of Kubrick, Dale, here's another of his that just sucked out loud:

Eyes Wide Shut

Somehow this stinkeroo even managed to make full-frontal female nudity boring.

Let me repeat that for effect:

It made full-frontal female nudity boring!!!!

I didn't think that was possible. Well, perhaps with the exception of some of the after-dark fare on SkinaMax, but Kubrick even made "kinky" sex scenes dull and lifeless. I mean, even Caligula had some merit, but they had Gore Vidal's script and Bob Guccioni's sleaze to make it interesting. Kubrick, however, had neither, and the result is painfully obvious. So, what we were stuck with was a droll movie with two people- who, by the way, were married to each other at the time- who had no chemistry whatsoever running around trying to get their jollies by seeking a masked sex cult that obviously forget to pick up a copy of "Masked Sleazy Sex Cults for Dummies". (Or at least an Anne Rice novel or three. You know the ones! And don't pretend you don't! )

And then there was the music score that was so repetitive that Philip Glass called me up and said, "Hey, Tim, it's Philip. Click over to HBO right now. Eyes Wide Shut is on. You there yet? Good. You hear that music? Man, isn't that just so freakin' repetitive that you want to find out who did it, hunt them down, and stab them in the eye with a conductor's baton? See what I mean? Exactly! Annoying as hell! Well, I gotta run. I just found my conductor's baton in the bottom drawer of my bureau and I have a few errands to run. See you next Tuesday for Badminton." (Philip and I don't play Badminton together anymore since he hurt his hand in some bizarre incident involving a conductor's baton. I could never get a straight answer from him on how it happened.)

Oh, Clorox... Why don't you make brain bleach?

 

Can we add Armageddon to the list? Just watching the first few minutes of this a few days ago nearly sent me into "Hulk Smash" mode.

 

Dang, Ben... You just had to bring up that sorry excuse for a film, didn't you?

Armageddon was so bad that the cast of Showgirls sent it a sympathy card. Not that Armageddon's big rival at the time, Deep Impact, was any better, though.

 

Well, Deep Impact did have Morgan Freeman. Even though he plays the same role in. every. single. film!!

And the impact sequence itself was pretty good.

 

Well, we knew Armageddon was going to just suck out loud, Ben. After all, it was directed by Michael Bay, and we all know what they said about Michael Bay in Team America: World Police:

(Go on Traci and Nicki... Sing along. I know you want to!)

I miss you more then Michael Bay missed the mark
When he made Pearl Harbor
I miss you more than that movie missed the point
And that's an awful lot girl
And now, now you've gone away
And all I'm trying to say is
Pearl Harbor sucked, and I miss you.

Aw, heck... Let's just finish the song!

I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school
He was terrible in that film.
I need you like Cuba Gooding needed a bigger part
He's way better than Ben Affleck
And now all I can think about is your smile
And that $#!%%^ movie, too.
Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you.

Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies?
I guess Pearl Harbor sucked
Just a little bit more than I miss you

See, Michael Bay sucked so bad they had to mention it twice!


(Now go on and curse my name, Nicki, cause I know you'll have that song stuck in your head for the next several days.)

 

Two can play that game, Timmy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Qae_TUTeGo

You're the best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You're the Best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You're the Best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ow-own

 

[image=http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b24/abba_zabba00/nomercy.jpg]

It's like chemical warefare, isn't it?

 

I'm still pissed off that Michael Bay got to do Transformers. Even Spielberg as producer couldn't save it. Why didn't they get Robert Zemeckis is beyond me.

I mean, what scene do you remember the most from it? (and not in a good way) I bet it's someone getting pissed on by a robot.

 

Well, Transformers was also a complete waste of two hours of my life. There was so much potential that was wasted on overdramatic acting, overloaded special effects, an awful script, and a really thin story.

Every movie Michael Bay has been involved in has been a complete waste of celluloid and precious hours of my life.

And then add Jerry Bruckheimer to the mix and it's even worse. The real stinkers all have his mark on them. (And it was Bruckheimer who produced Armageddon aaaaaaaaaaand Pearl Harbor.) This man has been slinging cinematic poo for nearly 30 years, which proves that the general public will watch just about anything.


OK, here's a new submission:

The Day After Tomorrow...

Roland Emmerich should be shot, hanged, drawn-and-quartered, and guillotined for making this absolutely awful movie. And he only has one formula for every single movie he does, because they're all the same movie, only with different settings and character names. Independence Day and Godzilla are the same exact film as The Day After Tomorrow. And Emmerich writes, directs, and produces these gosh-awful flicks. Triple threat. He's like the unholy trinity of suck.

 

What scene do I remember the most from Transformers?

[image=http://www.scificool.com/images/2008/05/megan-fox-transformers.jpg]

Movie might have not been good but...

 

This got posted in a "mind-bogglingly stupid moments in films" thread on SomethingAwful.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRLSOmEVgIg


I saw Superman 4 in the cinema as a kid, but I never dreamed that anyone could make a film so staggeringly bad that every second of it leaves you with your mouth open. How do you top a mum suddenly forgetting all about her kid during a hurricane, the gayest ever supervillain in history (right down to the long nails - and he actually beats Superman by scratching him with his nails. Yes, you read that right. Shall I repeat it? He beats Superman by scratching him with his nails), the astoundingly bad flying effects and model work, the magic "rebuild the great wall of China" vision, and showing Superman and the screamingly gay villain apparently able to be in New York, the American midwest, outer space, Italy, space, China, space, and finally New York again, in actual consecutive shots. Because, you know, even superhumans only need to fly about 100 metres for a couple of seconds to repeatedly fly in and out of the atmosphere (which interestingly doesn't seem to exist in this film) or reach anywhere in the world.

And if your brain hasn't shrivelled up and died from the pure stupidity, look on youtube for the bit where the Liberace-wannabe supervillain gets created in the sun.

By comparison, this really does make Batman and Robin look like a masterpiece.

 

Moulin Rouge.

God, how I wanted to inflict misery on the director after watching this.

 

Baz Luhrman needs to have a spike driven down his throat for making that horrible excuse for a musical, Ben. For one thing, if you do a musical, get people who can friggin' sing. Ewan McGreggor was so flat that I wanted to chew my own ears off, and Nicole Kidman...

The only good performer was Jim Broadbent, who stole the show. I like Luhrman's other work, like Strictly Ballroom and his direction of "La Boheme" at the Sydney Opera House. This movie, though, was just rancid celluloid.

Oh, and Superman IV absolutely did suck out loud.

 

Superman 4 was a travesty...

But, Call me a girl if you like, but I really enjoyed Moulin Rouge. Ewan McGregor did a passable job at his role, and he was chosen for acting, not his voice. The choreography, cinematography, and visual direction was superb, never mind Kidman or McGregor. Which, while Kidman was only tolerable, I found her to be perfectly stunning in the role, visual wise.

You want an actor that should have been shot rather than be in the musical? Johnny Depp in Sweeny Todd. Nicely directed, and some of the songs I actually liked better than the original Broadway, but I have to quote the Depp himself. "When I started this movie, I didn't think I could sing. Now, having completed the film, I -know- I can't." Preach it, oh preach it, Brother Depp. *applies gauze to bleeding ears*

 

I remember two really foul movies from my youth...... "The Brinks Job" with Peter Falk from TV's 'Colombo'.

Even as a ten-year-old I remember thinking how crap the movie was while I was in the theatre.

The ONLY movie I've ever walked out on was "Neighbors" which teamed up John Belushi and Dan Ackroyd after their Blus Brothers effort. I can STILL recall how pitiful that shambles was.

HOWEVER.......

In the midst of converstation of Kubrik and Lurhmann and high brow films I HAVE to drag it back to a couple of kids shows.

Now I know kids fliks are usually crap and not meant to trouble the mind much but TWO really stand out.

There was an animated horse movie "Spirit - Legend of the Plains" or something about a wild horse getting tamed (of course) during the opening up of the west. With the VERY simple technology around these days I watched in disgust as these horses literally SLID across the plains as they couldn' quite get the movement right. The ONLY thing that saved this show was the scene where a steam engine slides sideways down a hill and takes out a big chunk of the town at the bottom. THAT in surround sound was worth sitting through the rest of the crap.

But my all-time shocker has to go to what would be the most imaginitive piece of scriptwriting ever put to a target audience. In fact I think they USED scripts written by six to ten year olds. Think of every story you wrote as a kid, and every story your own kids have ever written, and how they jumped for wierd plotline to wierd plotline with NOTHING resembling a storyline....why?, because you were using your IMAGINATION!!! So some studio exec has had the brainwave to put a movie together EXACTLY the way little kids think and write stories. Now I am pretty easily entertained, even by kids movies, but I have never so desprately wanted to see a set of credits in my entire life. This wasn't crap, this was so much lower and worse than crap.

The low point of my movie-going life:

"The Adventures of Shark-Boy and Lava-Girl in 3D"

Some months later the DVD, complete with glasses, appeared in our house. The thought crossed my mind..."Surely no court would convict me......."

 

Oh... JD.... AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

The pain!!! The pain!!!

I thought I had forgotten those two movies, and here you go dragging them back up!!!

Spirit was atrocious. From it's plot to it's crappy score by Brian Adams. (That's right. Canadian rocker Brian Adams. Cuts like a knife? Oh, yes it does.)

And I'll be damned if it didn't show up in my house on DVD.

And don't even get me started on that Shark-Boy and Lava Girl movie. It made Spy Kids: 3-D look like Citizen Kane.

Now that these are back on my mind, will someone please call the nuthouse and see if I can get my usual room?

 

Terrorvision. Not strictly awful, but certainly a good example of ultra-cheesy 80s sci-fi (saw it years ago and been wondering what it was ever since). And the monster looks fake enough to have been done in the 1950s. It's now my life's mission to find a copy, get absolutely ratarsed, and watch it again.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RwMehRpmqx4


EDIT:
Upon reflection, I seem to have made an alarming number of posts in this thread. Just to reassure you all, I don't actually have this bad a taste in films.